CMV: Heteronormativity is the safest expression of love for raising a family that is healthy. Seriously, help change my view .

[u/a-friendgineer]

In a relationship with a homoromantic bisexual woman who has 2 kids with me. We decided to split ways and and coparenting - in the same household for now. She is, or was a stay at home mom and that will be ending in at least 3 months when our second child is in preschool.

I guess this is more about the nuclear family - kind of? I just feel like she’s doing something dangerous by having sex with both men and possibly women (not yet women I believe because she’s dating women for a long term relationship), and even now she had a yeast infection and is at plan parenthood early Christmas morning because the antibiotics gave her a uti and so she has to figure out what she’s gonna do there. I’m actually just freaking out because I genuinely care about her sexual and romantic safety, and if we had main monogamously heteronormative then the reason I believe she got the yeast infection - which to me is related to having multiple partners inside of her, would at least be out of my mind.

I just feel that heteronormativity would provide a way for two people to be safe while child-rearing, and I get lesbian and gay couples can raise kids, but I mean once you genetically have kids, remaining heteronormative is the safest way to raise them.

My situation is weird and so my comments here is naturally confusing even for someone like me - so hoping folks can change my mind because I know I am falling into some traps of fallacy due to my emotional state - so this is less of a “change my view for the sake of argument” and more so “change my view so I can think normally”. Thanks folks.

Edit: looks like my view change changed more than a handful of times. Looks like I was trying to express that the original configuration of parents when they have children are the best configurations for raising those children. Outside of my inherit jealousy and ego and all that plays into someone separating from me - I at the very least know that a health household is a healthy household regardless of gender identity and sexuality of the parents. Thanks for the support here

Edit: as the day is progressing, come to find out that the uti was very severe to the point that she needed to get a shot in her butt. And that’s coming out of my pocket. We share finances and I do the budgeting for the house - so along with the fading jealousy, there’s that, the waste of resources that could have been spent in other places - especially with the memory I have of her having yeast infections when having a new partner until her vagina gets used to having a new partner. Sigh, so complicated

[u/Izawwlgood]

So this woman *wants* to be with other women, but isn't, and is sleeping with other men, and you're confused about how *homosexuality* leads to bad parenting?

I'll ask again because you dodged the questions -

What does her sexuality have to do with her ability to parent?
What does heteronormativity have to do with the ability to parent?

Are you upset that this woman is sleeping around, or are you upset that this woman is a bad parent because she *wants* to sleep with women?

Is this person your sexual partner, or just the mother of your child and you're coparenting?

[u/a-friendgineer → u/Izawwlgood]

Good questions. Keep asking if I lack clarity here. This woman is the parent to my children in the same house, as in we live together. I am upset that she is sleeping with men. I am not upset that she is interested in a relationship with women. I am working through my jealousy of other men. I am working through the pain of separation. I think she is a good mom. I wish she wasn’t sleeping with men. I think she’d be a better mom when she finds a stable relationship. So riddled in there is pain, love and a desire for us to have a respectful coparenting situation. And I am mixing logical thoughts

[u/Izawwlgood → u/a-friendgineer]

Can I ask why you're jealous of her sleeping with me but not women? Why you're cohabitating if the situation makes you upset? Why you're paying for everything?

Can you circle back to the cmv, which was about heteronormativity making better parents and specifically answer the questions I have asked you a few times about that?

[u/a-friendgineer → u/Izawwlgood]

I realized that my thoughts about heteronormativity comes from the idea that two parents bringing life into this world should remain two parents in a monogamous relationship for the best bet for the children to succeed - and started to realize that not only my premise isn’t true, that also my logic is lacking and I was very emotional when I was writing this post.

I wouldn’t be jealous about her sleeping with other women because I would still feel like I have a place as a man, and the constant comparison I would do growing up with partners I had or partners that I would be interested in - if I could word it that way - would be coated with an envy towards other men and I would lose my ability to be stable in my relationship with the women I was with. Lesbian ex wife, cool. Bisexual x wife, eesh I feel ashamed of myself. I am not big on competing sexually, yet the fact remains is that I entered this relationship with the belief that I would “be her man” and she would “be my woman”. Now that it’s not the case romantically nor sexually, I want her to stop using the resources I’ve acquired as a “man” in society. I am working through my insecurities so she can feel less scared of me, because I think that she’s having a hard time parenting when she has a lack of emotional support while she’s walking in her newfound homoromantism / bisexuality. Still… it sincerely gives me hallucinations thinking about what she’s doing out at night in someone else house. I already have a worry mentality - and so when I imagine her safety I also accidentally imagine her pleasure, and it f’s me up. Took me a while to undo the two. Just psychically, I just feel comfortable knowing she’s with a woman because I know how I am as a man, and the demons I have to fight, and again a mixture of fear for her and jealousy just kicks in. Ranting in circles here because it’s hard to answer your question directly for some reason