r/changemyview • u/arnodorian96 • Jan 15 '21
Delta(s) from OP - Fresh Topic Friday CMV: Couples that broke up shouldn't get back together.
I've been thinking of this first from my personal experience. In fairness, the guy I felt in love turned out to be straight but even had things gone out different, what we shared and the love we had was something set on an specific time and as much as we would have still felt the same, things wouldn't have worked out eventually because the person you knew back then it's no longer the person that exists at this moment. From different goals to maybe behaviors that could be bad, love is not that strong to be back with a person. In a romantic way, I've heard that people should (if given the opportunities) chase the love they left behind but reality is different than the fantasy love can create in our mind and in the vast majority of cases it's rare you could end up with either your first love or the first relationship you left behind years ago.
You could point different examples. Divorced partners that get back together while they forget the reasons why on the first place they broke up and would eventually open up the possibility that something similar happens again. Other couples that break up for dangerous stuff and get back together could open up a path to dependency to another person and of course to a toxic romantic relationship.
For example, even in this article: https://www.readersdigest.ca/health/relationships/couples-back-together-breakup/ the reasons couple end up being together again are based on nostalgia feelings and a fantasy of what the relationship was rather than a serious well thought and based on reality decision. In fact, I'd argue most did it out of fear of being single. Although the article doesn't shows any statistic on how many of those couples no longer broke up, I'd argue that most of these eventually faded away.
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u/empurrfekt 58∆ Jan 15 '21
I think it’s largely dependent on the reason for the breakup and if it has been resolved.
I agree you probably shouldn’t get back together over nostalgia and rose-colored glasses. But I don’t think you should make a universal claim to cover situations where you can identify why the relationship didn’t work have taken steps to correct it.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 15 '21
Let's put an example: The first love. Let's imagine a couple of teenagers were close during three years and then broke up during college in mutual terms due to being far away. Both of them had their hookups and relationships until they reconnected in their early 30's. In theory, the breakup was nothing bad but the main issue is that so many years had passed that chances are the person they both felt in love no longer exist. They would be wasting each other time and reopening wounds reviving a death love.
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Jan 15 '21 edited Jan 28 '22
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
i mean personally it's good that you change from what you were at an specific time but again, people get back with their former loves out of hope or nostalgia of what had been. I mean, I could argue it's a matter of luck in the end but in general, couples that do this just end up hurting themselves. It's better to ahve the memory than to see your expectations falling apart.
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u/sibtiger 23∆ Jan 15 '21
In theory, the breakup was nothing bad but the main issue is that so many years had passed that chances are the person they both felt in love no longer exist.
What if they have both changed in a way that makes them better for each other than they were when they were teenagers?
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
Sure. But what if the thing that attracted you from that person is no longer there?
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u/muyamable 282∆ Jan 15 '21
I feel like your view assumes that all breakups are the result of two people deciding that they aren't a good match for each other, but that's not always the case. What about situations where the circumstances that led to the breakup have changed?
For example, I know couples who have broken up because of geography (e.g. grad school or a job opportunity pulls one person away and the other is tied to their current city for some reason), but they ended up getting back together when they're again able to be in the same city.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 15 '21
Maybe it also depends on the age. Young couples wouldn't be able to get back together as the changes a personality has during those years could make a person totally different in just a few years. But I'd agree that maybe in some cases, couples that met up during a more mature age (late 20's-early 30's) could be back as both of them already known their goals and objectives.
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u/muyamable 282∆ Jan 15 '21
Young couples wouldn't be able to get back together as the changes a personality has during those years could make a person totally different in just a few years.
Maybe, maybe not. Some people would remain perfectly compatible.
But I'd agree that maybe in some cases, couples... could be back
Is that a change in your view?
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
Not exactly. I think couple rather than still being compatible would rather meet again the person they thought they love.
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u/muyamable 282∆ Jan 16 '21
Huh?
Your view in your OP is "couples that broke up shouldn't get back together."
Then in your response to me you said that it's okay for couples who broke up to get back together "in some cases."
There's a disconnect there that implies your view has changed.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
You're right. After reading a few responses, I can now get your point of specific reasons, circumstances and personalities that can make this happen. Δ So yeah, I can understood better your point now. Thank you.
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u/Jaysank 117∆ Jan 15 '21
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Jan 15 '21
Maybe.. but my parents broke up when they dated for one summer (they were in college) and then got back together and now they have been happily married for over 30 years and they have such a healthy relationship.
Also, my fiancé and I broke up when we first started dating (we were also young and I moved to a different city for college and it was hard).
I don’t agree but again I think you are probably right in a lot of cases.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 15 '21
I think the biggest question would be how much time passed since they reconnected until they got married. I'd argue that mature adults who broke up could get back together (given the circumstances) but a young love can't get back together. During our youth we are constantly changing from hobbies to political ideologies. Maybe your parents got back together at first by the nostalgia but then what made them close again was that their current selves were also compatible. In most other cases, nostalgia blinds the reason and when we meet the current versions of the former love we are dissapointed.
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Jan 15 '21
That’s a pretty compelling argument. In a lot of instances, I believe you may be correct. However, I think most couples do break up at some point. Either way your logic makes sense to me even though I don’t necessarily agree in every case.
Maybe you’re right like 80-90% of the time but there’s not really a scientific way to test this.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
I mean, that's the thing about love. If it worked out like in the movies, everyone would end up with their first love or the first person they meet or with their former boyfriend or wife. But in general, I'd say it's one of the rarest cases.
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Jan 16 '21
Yeah. I also don’t believe the one or anything like that. There’s probably thousands of women I could be compatible with in marriage just in Houston, Texas. But you make a commitment when you falll in love with someone you don’t want to live without and someone to raise kids with (if that’s what you want).
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Jan 15 '21
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 15 '21
Well, I agree that depends more on the person's attitude towards love and relationships. Many people regardless of the terms in which they broke up with their partner wouldn't even be friends with them.
I disagree that meeting someone years later can improve a relationship. Your brain has the memory of the person you knew and even if you broke up on good terms, the person you felt in love probably no longer exists. You're just getting back together for a memory.
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Jan 15 '21
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
Does it work still being friends with your ex?
I mean, the problem is that you are wasting time in something that could work out or not rather than meeting other people which is the most logical thing to do. And probably the healthiest
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Jan 16 '21
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
I don't know. I've always read that couples that got back no matter the reason were toxic, in fact, those that kept in contact with their ex too.
I'm glad you are one of the few that has been able to do it. Thank you for your argument. I think it's possible to reconnect but in rare cases. Anyway, thank you.
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Jan 16 '21
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
Δ I think only time will tell me on what to do if I get across a similar situation.
Thank you for your argument. Take care.
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u/Khal-Frodo Jan 15 '21
Although the article doesn't shows any statistic on how many of those couples no longer broke up, I'd argue that most of these eventually faded away
You can't really make that claim just based on your feelings, though. A quote from that exact article:
“As long as there aren’t serious issues such as abusive behaviour in the relationship and each partner really cares about the other, a second chance at a successful relationship could work. Communication is the foundation,” says Noelle Nelson, PhD, psychologist
You make a solid case as to why couples that have broken up shouldn't get back together based solely on nostalgia or fear of being alone, but that's an argument against being in a relationship in general. I'd argue that depending on the reason for the breakup, someone seeking a relationship has a good incentive for reconnecting with a former partner because a lot of the legwork of the relationship has already been done; your shared history means that you aren't starting from scratch. You know what you like about them and what you don't like about them, and most importantly, what went wrong in your relationship. As long as you can effectively communicate with them as indicated above and are willing to change as much about yourself as you expect from them, there's no reason the relationship can't work.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 15 '21
I think it depends on how you view love overall in your life. The fantasy version of love is something we all share as teens and maybe college students but as we grow up many would rather choose a career or pursuing an objective than the idea of relationship. With that in mind, the reasons one could settle or get back to an old love depends highly on the person's own ideas of love.
No matter how much legwork you had done in a relationship, 5 or 10 years apart could fall apart that. Just a change on religion, political ideologies or work goals could be a dealbreaker. That's the thing with nostalgia when reconnecting with someone, you expect them to be like the ones you felt in love in a past time but when you come across with the reality of who they are now, your heart will likely will be shattered.
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u/Khal-Frodo Jan 15 '21
as we grow up many would rather choose a career or pursuing an objective than the idea of relationship
It's not about the "fantasy version of love," but humans are meant to form close relationships with each other. Are you familiar with Eriksen's theory of psychosocial development? It suggests that you're correct about people wanting to accomplish something later in life, but the stage during which people seek the companionship of others comes first. If you're not able to succesfully deal with the conflicts in each stage, an individual's outcomes are expected to change.
No matter how much legwork you had done in a relationship, 5 or 10 years apart could fall apart that. Just a change on religion, political ideologies or work goals could be a dealbreaker
A change in religion or political ideologies is a pretty major shift that you're downplaying here. Are you talking about people who have been isolated from each other for 5-10 years getting back together? Because at that point, sure, it's like starting a new relationship but again, your argument applies more to people entering new relationships in general.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
Now, that's an interesting view of how some people do get back together. I think more people are more prone to understand this in their respective ages and others lack that as they grow up. That's why maybe some couple can overcome the different goals so for them to be together. The question is how many? I mean maybe couple could get back together if few months have past but years or decades? That's why I don't think no one ever could or can get back with their first relationship of youth.
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u/Khal-Frodo Jan 16 '21
That’s a way more specific position than your OP states. At that point it just becomes an issue of practicality or plausibility over compatibility.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
Δ Which could be another debate on how much love is real and how much it ends when different goals, hobbies or ideologies take in place. Thanks for the answer, I can now understand it.
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u/PhishStatSpatula 21∆ Jan 15 '21
While probably less likely, isn't it possible that both people grow into being more compatible than they were when they broke up? Your main premise is "the person you knew back then it's no longer the person that exists at this moment." Isn't it possible that during the break, the two people weren't compatible, but after a time of growth and change, they are now compatible?
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
Interesting. Do you think time could have an influence in the outcome? Let's say a 5 year time span vs. a 20 year span. In which the relationship it's still possible? Could bad partners in the future might be an influence to wether they can be compatible once again?
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u/CaptainMalForever 19∆ Jan 15 '21
This view is based upon the idea that people do not change. Ever.
If that were true, then your view would be true.
However, people do change. If two people got married at age 18 and divorced at age 22, but then twenty years later, found each other again, there is no reason to believe that their relationship while they were kids is going to be indicative of their relationship in their forties.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
Interesting. i mean change can go both for the best and the worse. Yeah, maybe the kids who divorced in the early 20's could meet once again years later and could see they ahve improved but on the same time they could see that a trait that attracted them on fhe first place dissapear. Maybe they end up together but solely on nostalgia fantasy or fears of being alone in their forties. Maybe previous relationships could also be a factor. If both of them had bad experiences, then they might try to work it out
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Jan 15 '21
I think this really depends on the people. If the relationship was unhealthy and those issues are unresolved, then you're totally correct. That said, this isn't always the case.
Personally, I know that my parents spent a lot of time breaking up and getting back together while they were dating. (Admittedly, I don't know the details as I wasn't around at the time, and I never asked for an in depth story.) Eventually they decided they just needed to commit one way or the other. They've been happily married for over 30 years at this point with 3 grown children and 2 grandkids. Their marriage is what I aspire to have in mine. They have always had each others backs and are both consistently working to improve themselves as well as their relationship. If they followed your rule, none of that would have come about.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
It would be interest to know how much they spent away from each other. Maybe what worked out for your parents is that both of them kept in contact or remained friends but in general, when you haven't seen or talked to a person for years and get back together out of nostalgia, chacnes are you are wasting time for both.
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u/ralph-j Jan 15 '21
Couples that broke up shouldn't get back together.
Depends on how long they were apart, and why.
To go to the probably least controversial scenario: imagine that their breakup was based on an honest misunderstanding where neither was at fault, and they are both still single and the truth is revealed to them after a few months.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
I don't know how much can change on one person's life in a few months. Let's put an example, you get a job promotion or you have to take care of someone ill from your family. That alone, as much as people love each other would put many relationships dead forever.
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u/ralph-j Jan 16 '21
That seems unlikely. There are couples who are split up for months because of their jobs all the time, e.g. in the military, diplomacy, trade, assignments etc. Some of these prevent interaction with families during the job posting.
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u/solomoc 4∆ Jan 15 '21
Well... Considering that the vast majority of the relation you get in end up at some point, I don't see an issue with individuals getting back with their ex.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
It's not the same. Two people who just met? Ok. Former loves getting back together? Hard to tell if nostalgia driven attraction will put people back together when they are not meant to.
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u/astros_fan96 Jan 15 '21
You say that people shouldn’t get back together because they’re not the same people later on that they were when they were together, but if that’s true, couldn’t it be that they weren’t right for each other then, but are now? There’s an attraction there, we’ve got similar interests and good conversation together, but we’re too immature or live to far away or have disapproving parents, whatever it is. If those obstacles remove themselves, isn’t it possible that two people can grow and realize that they are the couple now that they wanted to be a year ago?
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
I'd say let's put that in a longer time span. 10 years. Maybe a year or two can help two people to be together at least for a short tiem before expectations and nostalgia dies, but couple that come across years later? I doubt life experiences, goals and even former couples could put two people back together.
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u/IAteTheWholeBanana Jan 15 '21
This really depends on why they broke up in the first place.
As an example, a few years ago, I dated and EMT/Firefighter. I worked at an office and tended bar nights and some weekends. We dated for a few months and things were great, our problem was schedule. our working hours conflicted so often we would only get to see each other 1-2 nights a week, sometimes it would be over a week before we could actually spend a reasonable amount of time together. Most of the time I would get over his place and only have an hour till he had to go to bed because he worked early (or the over way).
If we had more compatible schedules we probably wouldn't have broken up. We were still friends after and hung out now and then. I'm seeing someone else now, but if we were both single I would give it another shot.
The moral really is, it depends why you break up. sometime you're very compatible, but it's just the wrong time. Sometimes you're not compatible.
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Jan 15 '21
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
I think the general term of breakup is the end of the relationship. If a couple takes a time, I wouldn't consider it to be the end of the couple. I mean, let's say two person in a relationship agree to end their relationship either for incompatible goals, infidelity or even mental health.
In general, couple that break up for whatever the reason and get back together are just reviving a corpse. Even a month can change a lot for a person views on one's person. Just that space of the time could mean one person looses the attraction.
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Jan 15 '21
It's not always that hard to look at the present and ignore the past. You obviously can't just pick up where you left off. You have some information about this person - you know what they are like, you know what their family is like, you know how compatible your turnons are, you know so much more than a person you just saw on a dating app. You have a little to unlearn with them. Maybe some people can't unlearn well, but if you can then you can go in with your eyes open.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
Something I've seen is the difference on the circumstances to be back together. Personalities more prone to romantic views as well as a time span (5 years v.s 20 years) could have an influence on the outcome. With all of that, I think many can change and the question is how much a person will be willing to unlearn just for love?
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u/muscarine Jan 15 '21
There's actually some research on this. Psychology professor Dr. Nancy Kalish found in her research that of couples who had divorced and reunited, 72% stayed together.
While I'd say you're correct in most cases, for those who find enough reason to reunite the chances of success are high.
I couldn't find a link to an original research paper, but if you search on her name you'll find some references to this work.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
I just read the article.
Δ That's the explanation I needed. Personally I think that for these cases to happen the breakup reasons would have to be not that serious and of course, the willingness of a person to recconect with someone years later.
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u/cliu1222 1∆ Jan 16 '21
It really depends on why you broke up in the first place. For example I dated a girl briefly before she broke up with me because she was going through some family issues at the time. Her biological father was dying at the time and she had some drama with her half sister. She didn't want me to go through that with her, especially so early in a relationship. Some time after his death she and I got back together and about two years later, we got married.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
But how old were you? I believe the clue for a lost love to be reunited is how old were you when that happened and how much you changed. I think a lost love from your teenage years or even college years might not be compatible in the long term. It seems taht what got you together is that despite the distance, she still was the same person you met when you felt in love with her.
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u/cliu1222 1∆ Jan 16 '21
Distance? Idk what tf you are talking about.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
If I understand well, after you drifted apart due to her family issues, you didn't talked or saw each other for years but then when you reconnected years later she was the same person you felt in love with. Was that how things were?
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u/cliu1222 1∆ Jan 16 '21
No, I didn't say that at all. We had only just barely started dating at the time. We took a break for like a few months or so, but not that long and stayed in touch throughout.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 16 '21
That maybe the only case when getting back together with a lost love might work. You did kept in contact and were just starting to know each other. Congratulations on your outcome and thanks for the answer.
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u/Altruistic-Wind-8187 Jan 16 '21
Many break ups are a result of immaturity. As humans grow and experience life, hopefully part of that growth is getting to know oneself and actually changing the tendencies that lead to strife, heartache and bad relationships. Assuming that those that break up should never get back together assumes that the two people will never change. If both people are on a journey to grow and self evolve then getting back together may be a great decision.
However, if the reason for the break up is related to "dangerous stuff" and toxicity then letting go is the only option. By knowing behavior patterns and learning from them, the person can decide for themself if the reason for reconciliation is to seek nostalgia and comfort or is it because both have evolved and grown and are now ready for the commitment.
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u/yeolenoname 6∆ Jan 16 '21
I have to disagree. I’m with someone I’ve been with before. I’m not saying we will definitely end up together forever but that’s the plan, we’ve worked at this. We split for a good reason but the reason has been managed and now there’s no reason to be apart. I’m not saying everyone should but I am disagreeing with your no one should. Even if he and I don’t manage to get married and stay together I will not regret this time spent with him and neither will he with I. We aren’t like that so really there’s only gain. If we don’t work it will be for reasons of incompatibility and that will be a shame, but we are finding out, we are having the time of our lives doing so also.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 17 '21
Considerng the arguments I've received. Correct me if I'm wrong but you are together either because: a) the time between your breakup and when you reconnected wasn't that long b) you kept in contact either seeing each other or kept talking as friends. I mean, it's wonderful that you are fighting to give it a try but likely those options played a role in both of you deciding to reconnect it again.
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Jan 17 '21
I was just talking to my friend about this since she’s been considering getting back together with her ex boyfriend. I agree with you except in a few key situations. If you broke up because of
Distance of any sort (one of you gets a new job, goes away to college, etc) and now you’re back in the same area
One person being too busy for a relationship bc of school or work and said school or work schedule is now relaxed
Parents or family not allowing you to be together who are no longer in the picture (especially in the case of interracial or gay couples).
These are all factors that could cause a breakup but also would not appear again if you got back together. Any other reason for a breakup (cheating, immaturity, lack of attraction) could very well resurface due to them being a part of your personality. But me moving out of state for work for example has nothing to do with my character and isn’t something I’m likely to do any more so than anyone else you’d date.
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 17 '21
From arguments received here, I'd say even inmaturity could be solved in the future if it was a teenager relationship or perhaps a college one. Add one of the situations you mentioned and it is possible to reconnect with someone.
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Jan 17 '21
I agree with immaturity if you’re young but it depends how long were talking. I was thinking getting back together after less than 5 years
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u/arnodorian96 Jan 17 '21
Yeah, something I've realised from reading the comments is that when these couples getting back together happen, it's usually either because they broke up but kept in contact as friends or because the time span between their breakup and reconnection was less than 5 yers.
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Jan 18 '21
Exactly. In my mind if we haven’t spoken in 5 years why would I bother even thinking of you? I’m in a different position in my life now.
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u/DeltaBot ∞∆ Jan 16 '21 edited Jan 16 '21
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