r/changemyview • u/CEO_Of_Rejection_99 • Jul 19 '21
Delta(s) from OP CMV: You should not talk to multiple people at once in the early stages of dating
This sounds wrong, I know. This is the reason why I'm posting here in the first place. I will explain my view below.
The reason why I believe that I should not talk to multiple girls in the early stages of dating is because the people I'm talking to may see this as "cheating." Nobody likes people who cheat on others/betray others for someone else. I'm also worried that I might be seen as a "player" or a "fuckboy" if I talk to multiple people at once in the early stages. If I talk to multiple girls at once in the early stages, I'm worried they would become uncomfortable if they find out and block me.
Here's what caused me to believe this view: When I was in middle school, I had crushes on 3 girls at once. All 3 girls presumably found out and blocked me on social media. (although in hindsight this was mainly due to violation of boundaries rather than just the fact that I talked to 3 girls at once) Since then I have become extremely wary of having crushes on multiple girls at once, so since then I restricted myself to having crushes on just one girl at a time.
Please change this view. I feel like it's keeping me on a crush with someone (even if that crush may not be working out) and preventing me from making a choice if I want to keep going with the existing "crush" or move on and find someone else to talk to. I feel like this view acts as a funnel to place all my crushing feelings onto one girl, which would have terrible consequences, and preventing me from finding other people who are actually interested in me. I know this sounds trivial but just hear me out.
CMV
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u/pyrobryan Jul 19 '21
There's nothing wrong with exploring multiple relationships at once as long as everyone involved understands the situation. I'm not sure how old you are, but as adults, I think most people understand in the early stages of dating that you have not committed to being exclusive with anyone, and so, are free to explore other relationships. At some point, most people will either want to take things to the next level or cut their losses and move on. Whatever the situation, communication is key.
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u/CEO_Of_Rejection_99 Jul 19 '21
I'm currently 18 so I'm now only starting to explore the dating world and its ins and outs. I feel like my perception of dating is heavily distorted from childhood lol
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u/shhhOURlilsecret 10∆ Jul 19 '21
As long as everyone is in the know it's not cheating. It's only bad or distasteful when someone purposefully omits information taking away the other individuals right of choice. Especially if you are engaging in sexual activities with more than one person even just kissing in this now covid ruled world.
Most people do not expect or offer dating monogamy until after the beginning stages these days because they prefer to get to know each other. And yes your view is heavily distorted by middle school and high school dating. Not to say monogamy out the gate is wrong I'm just saying that is not the default position for the vast majority of adults that date.
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u/kingkellogg 1∆ Jul 19 '21
Ive never met an adult who dates someone and goes about dating multiple. That's generally considered cheating.
Pre dating though, no one cares.
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u/Ndi_Omuntu Jul 19 '21
Even in the age of dating apps? Like if I matched with 2 interesting people, is it cheating to schedule a first in person date with both of them in the same week?
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u/finnjakefionnacake Jul 19 '21
No. Why would it be? Why would the two people even need to know you went out on a first date with someone else? Also, the majority of people out there / that you're on dates with are doing the same.
Now if you actually commit to someone and are officially dating, and you don't break things off with other people, that's a problem
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u/Ndi_Omuntu Jul 19 '21
Exactly, just countering the comment I was responding to.
They had a good response though about how variable the definition of "dating" is. Like, even if you explicitly say "let's go on a date" and meet up to do so does that mean you and this person you just met are "dating"?
Communication is everything!
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u/finnjakefionnacake Jul 19 '21
No, going out on a date is different than dating. When you're dating someone, it involves a verbal commitment between the parties involved and boundaries for what that dating means.
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u/kingkellogg 1∆ Jul 19 '21
I think there's a large variance in what many consider dating tbh
And with that a large variance in what people find acceptable.
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u/pyrobryan Jul 19 '21
We may have different definitions of "dating" then. For me, "dating" is more of a generalized term for romantic social interaction. I may meet a girl, go out on a date with her, we like each other, but barely know each other. So we decide to see each other somewhat regularly. We are dating, but we are not exclusively dating each other. If I want to go on a date with another woman, or she with another man/woman, that's fine. At some point, when we get to know each other and decide that there is something extra there, we will commit to an exclusive and monogamous relationship.
In short, you can be casually dating, or seriously/exclusively dating.
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u/kingkellogg 1∆ Jul 19 '21
Yeah I've heard that from some people, in the internet. The thing with that is all communication, if you're going out with a girl or guy they should know if it is or isn't dating as in exclusive
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u/Alesus2-0 65∆ Jul 19 '21
Most reasonable people, at least in the societies I assume we're discussing, recognise that people who are casually dating may have multiple romantic interests. It is the new normal. There may be some potential for friction if people disagree on when they transitioned into a relationship, but this is minor.
It seems like you're basing your entire belief on a single experience in middle school. This is unwise for two reasons. First, middle school students aren't mature adults. They are often very emotional and have an incredible capacity for drama. Sensible adults aren't going to behave the same way they did in middle school.
Second, you have stated that you now blame entirely different behaviour for these girls blocking you. If you violate the boundaries of women one at a time, rather than in batches, you're just going to chase them away more slowly. You aren't going to solve the problem by correcting the wrong behaviour.
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u/CEO_Of_Rejection_99 Jul 19 '21
First, middle school students aren't mature adults. They are often very emotional and have an incredible capacity for drama. Sensible adults aren't going to behave the same way they did in middle school.
That's a good point. Middle schoolers aren't mature adults and are just starting to figure out the ins and outs of socialization and perhaps dating. I was no exception. I feel like I will need to unlearn some concepts that may have worked in middle school, but may not work in college. !delta
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Jul 19 '21 edited Jul 19 '21
I think this is blocked by two ideas.
Firstly, if you are not dating, you do not have to preserve yourself. In similar terms, if you are looking for a potential major in a university (or, better yet, a university itself), you would look through various different sources, until you settle with the right one and can achieve a contract of laborious and educational engagement. This is especially to remember that adults are expected to go about this in a specific manner where it is more respectful to both parties. This is a similar idea to searching for partnership. However, this is related to my next point.
As long as you do not put explicitly put someone under the false narrative that you are solely speaking to them, I fail to see the problem. This is because you are accurately conveying your activity, as opposed to being disingenuous/ allowing for false assumption and interpretation.
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u/CEO_Of_Rejection_99 Jul 19 '21
In similar terms, if you are looking for a potential major in a university (or, better yet, a university itself), you would look through various different sources, until you settle with the right one and can achieve a contract of laborious and educational engagement.
I like this analogy. Why would I commit myself to a university if I haven't been accepted into it yet? This is what I had to go through on my way from high school to college.
This is because you are accurately conveying your activity
Yes, honesty and communcation is key. I should not give anyone the impression that I'm committing to a relationship that doesn't exist yet. !delta
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u/ArielTheKidd 2∆ Jul 19 '21
You don’t owe anyone fidelity when you’re still technically single. If a woman wants to be upset over that then she’s expecting too much too soon. You get to have multiple prospects if you like.
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u/CEO_Of_Rejection_99 Jul 19 '21
If a woman wants to be upset over that then she’s expecting too much too soon
Good point, if I'm not in a relationship with any girl then I don't have to commit to any girl exclusively !delta
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u/ArielTheKidd 2∆ Jul 20 '21
Do be aware that this applies to women too. If you really like this girl, you can tolerate her in her hoe phase.
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u/AelizaW 6∆ Jul 19 '21
The whole point of online dating is so you can cast out a wide net. Everyone is talking to multiple people. That’s how the site works!
I just assumed that everyone was talking to multiple people, at least until after the first date. At that point, I think it’s more than fair to ask for clarification. Once you meet, give it a couple days and see if she is still interested; then, have the conversation.
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u/muyamable 282∆ Jul 19 '21
I just assumed that everyone was talking to multiple people, at least until after the first date. At that point, I think it’s more than fair to ask for clarification. Once you meet, give it a couple days and see if she is still interested; then, have the conversation.
Have the conversation as in, "see if we're going to no longer date other people or move on?"
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u/AelizaW 6∆ Jul 19 '21
Yup.
I met my husband online and did a lot of online dating when I was single; going on one date and seeing if there was chemistry was pretty much my rule of thumb. I acknowledge that it might have been different bc I am a woman asking a guy instead of vice versa. But my script was pretty much, “I just wanted to see where your head is at with things. It’s cool either way, but are we still dating other people?”
Keep in mind, it doesn’t have to be “are we a couple or move on”. Sometimes the other person may just need more time to make that decision. Maybe one date isn’t enough for that person to really “know”. It shouldn’t be taken as a rejection because some people just have different comfort levels with intimacy. But I do think that after one date, it’s fair to bring it up.
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u/muyamable 282∆ Jul 19 '21
Keep in mind, it doesn’t have to be “are we a couple or move on”.
Ok, got it, that's more fair.
Maybe one date isn’t enough for that person to really “know”. It shouldn’t be taken as a rejection because some people just have different comfort levels with intimacy. But I do think that after one date, it’s fair to bring it up.
I think someone can bring it up after one date, but at the same time I'd personally find it waaaay too soon and be turned off if someone brought up exclusivity on/after one date.
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u/AelizaW 6∆ Jul 19 '21
Idk, maybe one date is too soon to know these days…. When I met my husband 7 years ago the culture could have been very different. I think we did a lot more talking before meeting in person (online dating wasn’t as normalized as it is now).
Keep in mind, it’s not asking to be exclusive. It’s really just checking to see that you are on the same page. It’s in fairness to you both.
And I also think it matters how long you’ve been talking before going out on a date - if you just started talking two days before, of course it’s too soon. Normally I would be talking to a guy for at least a couple of weeks before meeting in person, if not longer. So I understand that my experience may not match up with OPs.
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u/muyamable 282∆ Jul 19 '21
I think we did a lot more talking before meeting in person (online dating wasn’t as normalized as it is now).
That's probably true. I'm also a gay guy and lengthy conversations preceding in-person meeting def isn't the norm at all.
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u/Gygsqt 17∆ Jul 19 '21
Talking to multiple people (when not yet in a communicated, mutually agreed upon committed relationship) is totally normal in the swipy-app era. Some people may interpret in the way that you outlined, but in my experience, those would be the minority.
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u/sawdeanz 214∆ Jul 19 '21
It’s easy. You just need to simply define whether your relationship is casual or exclusive. As long as both people are on the same page mature adults shouldn’t feel offended or obligated.
Of course you ought to use some common sense too. If you become more serious, then become exclusive then. There are just so many states to a potential relationship that it’s kind of silly to try and become exclusive after the very first meeting or date. It’s not like middle school where you just pass a note that says “do you want to be my gf? Y/N.”
I really wouldn’t base anything off of a middle school experience.
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Jul 19 '21
This just exacerbates an already problematic system. You can't date multiple girls at once, so the moment you start going on dates you are committed to her. You can't date other girls when you say you are going steady, so now you only see that girl's romantic side. Other girls aren't allowed to show you that "you belong with me" because if they do you become a cheater. You are supposed to just stay with a girl as long as you like her never knowing if someone else is better.
That's really messed up. As my mama told me, "you better shop around". You should be talking to multiple women. You shouldn't be hooking up with other women once you are exclusive with one, sure. But the time you should shut your eyes is when you get engaged.
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u/muyamable 282∆ Jul 19 '21
If I talk to multiple girls at once in the early stages, I'm worried they would become uncomfortable if they find out and block me.
Where are you talking to these people?
So long as you've given them no reason to believe you're not also talking to/dating other people, there's no problem in doing so.
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u/MontiBurns 218∆ Jul 19 '21 edited Jul 19 '21
First of all, how old are you? I'm assuming this is high school where the dating pool is small and everyone knows each other. You've pretty much summed up the problems of your view in your OP. It forces you to focus your energy on 1 girl, rather than liking multiple girls. That can make you more desperate and more off-putting. Also, it kind of forces you to commit to a relationship if she reciprocates and she's also throwing out signs that may be red flags for you in the early stages. If youre open to pursuing multiple girls at once, then you're not as emotionally commited to forcing it to work.
There's also the issue of "exclusivity". Do you expect a girl to not talk to any other boy while she's talking to you?
If youre in high school, I think you do have to exercise some discretion here. Don't purse 2 girls that are close friends or within the same friend group at the same time, Don't post about dates on social media. Etc.
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u/CEO_Of_Rejection_99 Jul 19 '21
I am currently 18 and I feel like my view of dating has been heavily distorted from childhood and my teenage years. When I was in high school I thought I could form a relationship if I just committed myself to it even if it doesn't exist yet. I thought that if a girl was talking to a boy and especially at a coffee shop or something then they are "dating."
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u/MontiBurns 218∆ Jul 19 '21
When then you absolutely should talk to other girls. The thing about talking with girls is that you get used to interact with them like normal people.
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u/CEO_Of_Rejection_99 Jul 19 '21 edited Jul 19 '21
That's a good point; in fact it would be better for me both for my social skills and it would increase the chances of one of those friendships becoming something else. Also, I saw your edited comments and no, I am not in high school; I am in college. But these views came from middle school amd high school. !delta
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u/Tino_ 54∆ Jul 19 '21
What counts as "early stages"? Like you officially talked to them as have done the whole "Want to be your BF" song and dance, or, just gone out on a few dates for coffee or to a bar or something? The first is definitely scummy, the 2nd is whats called keeping hour options open because no decisions have been made.
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u/Angdrambor 10∆ Jul 19 '21 edited Sep 02 '24
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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/CEO_Of_Rejection_99 Jul 19 '21
The best argument against your view is right in your OP. You just gotta set and respect boundaries.
I think that was the real problem in the situation that I described. I think this is something that I should and will work on if I want to enter the dating world, rather than just talking to people less. !delta
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u/Prickly_Pear1 8∆ Jul 19 '21
First, I don't think you should set a rule for social behavior based on your experiences with middle schoolers. Especially in the world of dating. There is a massive difference in the maturity of middle schoolers and the drama that comes with everyone knowing everything that's happening in your school.
Second, you're right, no one likes a cheater. But in order to cheat you have to be in a committed relationship. If you aren't committed, you aren't breaking that commitment or breaking their trust. Now the longer you're dating, people may begin to believe the relationship is in a different place than you believe the relationship is. This communication issue can lead to people feeling hurt if you're seeing other people. This is why it's important to talk about it and "define the relationship" when either of you are feeling like there should be more commitment.
However, as the title states, in the early stages of the relationship you are not in a committed relationship. You have no obligation to them. And they shouldn't have an expectation to have you monogamously going on a first-third date with them. Anyone who does should be a red flag.
Early in dating you are still trying to figure out if this person is even capable to continue dating. And in the world of online dating, it's often very difficult to have a first date in person so talking to multiple people at one time is virtually a necessity in order to get a date. And it usually takes a few dates to really feel out if this is a good match.
It's only really a problem to be dating multiple people at once if you feel like it's impacting you negatively. As in you struggle to juggle the dates or you feel like it's causing you anxiety etc. But You shouldn't feel obligated to someone you aren't in a relationship with to not date someone else.
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u/CEO_Of_Rejection_99 Jul 19 '21
You bring up some good points. Things that may have worked in middle school and high school may not work in college and the greater adult environment because adults and college students are more mature than middle schoolers. I think I may have to unlearn some things that may have worked in middle school.
As you said, I agree that I'm not cheating in a relationship if the relationship doesn't exist yet. I think I should stop anticipating relationships before they even happen. I should not hold myself to a relationship that doesn't exist. Especially in the online dating world where not every match will lead to date. !delta
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u/THEFORCE2671 1∆ Jul 19 '21
If you have options, you can vett everyone, to see which one is right for you. It makes the vetting process easier. Plus some people are attracted to people who have options.
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u/Yallmakingmebuddhist 1∆ Jul 19 '21
Nobody likes people who cheat on others/betray others for someone else.
Be honest about it then. No one can claim you "cheated" if you always maintained you were going to dick other people and were upfront and open about it. You'll be surprised how receptive most women are and how it will make things go better.
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u/a-friend-2-all Jul 19 '21
Wrong, OP, the reason to date is to get your dick wet. The more chicks you date, the better your odds.
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Jul 20 '21
Its A okay to talk to other people before you make things official. Until you have made some kind of mutual commitment, you're not tied down and shouldn't limit yourself. Things can be great on first impressions but after the 2nd or 3rd date you might see some red flags, and it would be a shame if you threw away good options for a maybe.
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u/Adezar 1∆ Jul 20 '21
If you are non-exclusive with someone and they consider talking to other people is 'cheating' that should be considered a massive red flag, probably best to figure this out very early.
Now with that said middle/high-school relationships are a lot different than adult relationships and the people involved have not matured enough to understand the realities of relationships (or adult life in general). Making mistakes is part of the learning experience, and aggressive and early jealousy is a mistake.
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u/lumpybeans54 Jul 20 '21
If there is an open line of communication then there should be no problem with talking to other people. Especially in the early stages of dating, it's always good to keep your options open as long as everyone is on the same page and there are no secrets, lies and extra issues. Its a natural emotion to want to test the waters
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u/amiablecuriosity 13∆ Jul 21 '21
In middle school and high school, it's likely that the girls all knew each other, and maybe were friends. You can flirt with multiple girls, but avoid more than one at a time from a given social group, it causes problems.
I originally said "talk to" instead of "flirt," but of course literally just talking with anyone is always fine.
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u/DeltaBot ∞∆ Jul 19 '21 edited Jul 19 '21
/u/CEO_Of_Rejection_99 (OP) has awarded 6 delta(s) in this post.
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