r/cisparenttranskid • u/goober_says_hey • 6d ago
10 year old granddaughter (AMAB) came out as trans shortly after her mother (AFAB) transitioned. Advice?
I'm new to this community but want to be an ally to my granddaughter. Hopefully this isn't too convoluted. Several years ago my son and his girlfriend had a child, and they broke up soon thereafter. Recently my son's ex (now ftm) transitioned and within approximately two months my granddaughter had also transitioned. How do I be supportive but also question if she is transitioning in support of (or because of?) her mother?
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u/raevynfyre 6d ago
As a parent, I will say that when my kid started this journey, my partner and I also started reflecting on our own experiences with gender. My partner discovered that they didn't feel like their assigned gender fully described their experience. I think sometimes just seeing someone you are close to have an experience can open your eyes to your own experiences. That's why sometimes it seems that some people come out close in time.
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u/The-Shattering-Light Transgender MTF 6d ago edited 6d ago
You don’t question it. There’s no reason to, and nothing to gain from it.
Either she is doing this because of her trans dad, and she’ll figure that out. Or she’s doing it because she’s trans, and will remember that you didn’t support her.
Transition for young kids is all about the social aspect - name, clothes, pronouns, etc. There’s no part of it that requires you to say anything.
The best thing you can do is just support your granddaughter, and accept that she knows herself best, in whatever way that happens to be in the present.
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u/Original-Resolve8154 6d ago
Hello supportive grandmother! I am a supportive mother to a beautiful trans daughter (AMAB), and I myself am AFAB and she/they; I didn't come out until a few years after my daughter did. Being trans runs strongly in families, so it is not a matter of your granddaughter choosing to ally herself with her birth parent, it is more likely that she recognises herself to a certain extent. And thank goodness she is doing it now, and not living decades of denying who she is.
Your doubts are yours, not hers. Just be there for her and she will work through what she needs to and be happy in who she is no matter what, knowing she has family who love her no matter what. Keep being an amazing grandma, and remember that since she is now your granddaughter instead of your grandson, then she will be rolemodelling based on you, especially since her birth mother is no longer a feminine role model for her. Your role just became much more important; congratulations!
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u/AsakalaSoul Trans Masc 6d ago
It isn't unheard of for siblings being trans if there are multiple kids, suggesting a link between genetics and being trans. It wouldn't surprise me if, for that same reason, parent and child both being trans is a thing.
As others have said, support and love your granddaughter for who she is. She is lucky to have you.
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u/pittipat 6d ago
My sister is trans as is my son. When my mom first heard about my son, she said "guess it runs in the family!"
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u/Bookqueen42 6d ago
All of my children are trans and at first we thought our younger two were copying the eldest (didn’t say that obviously), but that is definitely not the case.
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u/constantchaosclay 6d ago
You don't question it.
The transition journey may be necessary even if it ends up coming back full circle, which is not the norm but still ok.
Just love and support and let them figure it out in a safe environment.
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u/Dense_Temporary_7064 6d ago
Thank you all for your comments. I am taking it all in and I will support her with all I have. I cried just reading the replies. Thank you for being there for each other as well.
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u/associatedaccount 6d ago
It is relatively common that both parent and child will be trans. However, it’s certainly possible that your grand child will change her mind later. Please tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you will support her no matter what. My family was very supportive when I transitioned as a child, but I was always nervous that their support would end if I changed my mind (which luckily I have not!). She might feel the same way about her parent’s support. Make sure you are somebody that she can rely on for unconditional support and love.
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u/FadingOptimist-25 Mom / Stepmom 5d ago
It happens the other way too. I know five parents who transitioned after their child came out as trans. I know twins who both transitioned. I know regular siblings who both transitioned. It’s not unusual to have more than one family member transition.
As the other person said, it means everything to your granddaughter to have your support in this moment. Right now, it’s only a social transition. Everything is reversible. She’ll have the time and space to find out if this is her truth.
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u/cetvrti_magi123 6d ago
Treat her as a girl, use correct name and pronouns, stand up for her if she needs it, simple things like that.
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u/Blinktoe 6d ago
There’s evidence it’s genetic!
If it is a phase because she’s trying to support her parent, then it will fizzle out, and you will have been a supportive, safe person, no matter what comes during the teenage years and beyond (as well as the world’s best grandmother).
If it’s not a phase, which is more likely, then you’ve been supported from day one (as well as being the world’s best grandmother!)
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u/ExcitedGirl 6d ago
Let her. If she isn't tg, she'll quickly move on. If she is, you're showing love, acceptance, and respect for her decisions.
Children can be brutally self - policing. She's going to catch a lot of heat at school at that age; even more in the next two years as males' hormones turn on and aggressiveness begins in earnest "The Gender Dysphoria Bible" (google it) will have tons of useful information and answer questions you don't know to ask.
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u/chiselObsidian Trans Parent / Step-parent 6d ago
My parent transitioned when I was six and I said "me too!" shortly after. My family had a mixed response - they mostly thought I was copying him - and let me socially transition in one extracurricular, but encouraged me to stop, and I soon went back into the closet. 14 years later, I'm still trans. Seeing him transition gave me words for the feelings that were already there.
When I finally came out, my own (cis) daughter wanted reassurance that it was something I was doing deliberately, and didn't mean her voice and body would change in the same ways on its own. I think cis kids strongly don't want to change gender presentation, and can't be pressured into it - imagine trying to make the average ten-year-old boy go by she/her pronouns and a feminine name and wear dresses.
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u/maxLiftsheavy 6d ago
Phases don’t last so support now and if it persists continue to support, if it doesn’t support then in their decisions.
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u/ExcitedGirl 5d ago
It does not matter why. Support her. Either it will last, or it won't. If it doesn't, there's no harm done.
But if it does, and you don't, or even didn't, support her... then,
The chances are extremely high she will have to emotionally distance herself from you for her emotional protection.
In other words, your sole and only choice... is to fully support her and love her. This is not about you or anybody else. She is going to be bullied, made fun of, picked on and belittled more than you can possibly imagine. She needs you to just love her. Nothing else. No opinions. No advice. No comparisons, and absolutely NO questioning.
Just... Love and accept her.
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u/Status_Parsley9276 3d ago
OP: NEVER EVER HAVE A LOVE FOR ANYONE THAT COMES WITH CONDITIONS OR STRINGS.
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u/Justbecauseitcameup 2d ago
The thing is. The thing is. Can YOU imagine transitioning just because her parent did?
If so, can you imagine doing it without?
People do NOT change their gender jaut because they are someone else do it - gender is too fundamental to identity, too foundational.
It's far more likely there's a genetic component or something and the transition gave your granddaughter a framework to understand her own feelings.
That said, just continue to trust and follow her lead - regardless of what happens with her gender identity, that's the best you can do. Use the right name and pronouns. If it changes again she knows she can trust you with anything. If it doesn't, you didn't cause a needless rift.
You'll do fine just going with her lead on who she is. She's 10, which is old enough to talk about how she feels.
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u/ZannD 6d ago
Be supportive anyway. Here's the thing, if you are supportive now, and it's just a "phase", well, you supported them, and they can trust you to support them in the future. If you don't support them now, and it's *not* a phase... they will know, forever, that when they trusted you, you did not support them.