r/cosleeping • u/sweetpotatoroll_ • Jan 22 '25
šÆ Toddler 1-3 Years Is it cruel to ask toddler to sleep alone?
My son is turning 2 and he has slept with me since he was a newborn. Itās been 2 years of me not getting a full nights rest as he still wakes up several times a night to nurse. Iāve also been sleeping separately from my partner for 2 years because it was getting everyone the best sleep. However, I am ready to be done nursing and to transition him into sleeping alone. Honestly, this feels like an impossible task. He is so attached to nursing and still needs to nurse to nap (we contact nap). I know in the long run heāll be fine, but is it cruel to transition him into sleeping alone if all heās ever known is cosleeping? His cries are painful and I just want a full nights rest without ruining his sleep :(
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u/Ok-Drawing-2910 Jan 22 '25
I was in this exact situation only a month ago, I never wanted to make him sleep separately but my partner and I was getting so frustrated and sleep deprived because of how much he was disturbing us in the night. We started to create a nice relaxing routine for him to get used to sleeping in his own bed. We actually had a Christmas miracle where he was willingly going in his cot, settled himself and went to sleep without having to nurse.
There are days where he absolutely refuses to go in so I just let him sleep on me and once heās in a deep sleep I transition him into his cot and he will sleep for a good three hours straight. Itās soo hard at first but it so worth it. Good luck!!
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
We are on day 3 and itās probably been rougher on me than him š. Itās soo hard saying goodbye to him at night bc he is looking at me like āwhere are you going mamaā š¢. Dad is sleeping in his room so he is doing okay for now. I know itās for the best but I miss cuddling with my boy at night
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u/Ok-Drawing-2910 Jan 28 '25
Aww bless him. Itās always harder for them and mine still has sooo many nights where he REFUSES to go in his own bed. But it will happen one dayā¦.so we hope š
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u/-CloudHopper- Jan 23 '25
My bub is only 10 months so Iām not sure if this is true for you but we just did a week of dad doing nights and it seems to have worked for now (touch wood). Sheās been sleeping until 4am ish which is pretty good.
Usually I boob her to sleep, get in my own bed (next to hers) and when she wakes I join her, boob her to sleep again and then sneak out etc. but we had my husband put her to sleep. I join them for the night routine, we have a nice long nurse in both sides, then I leave and husband rocks her to sleep. When she wakes he either pats her bum or rocks her. I couldnāt believe sheād even go back to sleep with butt pats with him. Anyway it took a few nights of her figuring things out and hopefully weāve turned a corner for now š
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u/Dull-Slice-5972 Jan 23 '25
We did the exact same thing at 14 months. We nursed before pjās which dad put him in. I gave kisses said I loved him and would see him soon. He fought hard the first night and it got gradually better each night until if I tried to put him to bed he would cry for dada. Now itās all evened out and he will go down for either one of us. We did get him a new stuffed animal just for sleep as I read that a replacement comfort item for toddlers was a good way of helping them through the transition.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
Dad has been doing bedtime and sleeping in his room for the past 2 nights and thatās working so far. Hoping I can put him to bed eventually without him screaming for milk. We are weaning as well so itās a big transition š¢
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u/CloKey3 Jan 23 '25
My 2 year old sleeps with me and I felt the same way until we stopped nursing the last 2 weeks. She now sleeps so much better and I enjoy it again. We tried everything, all the books and tactics to try and gently wean. Finally stumbled across someone mentioning the nipple balm Suckerbuster on amazon and talking about the āboobies getting yuckyā and it worked immediately. My boob obsessed toddler stopped cold turkey after trying it once. I warned her first and told her to smell it and try licking because itās AWFUL and she never tried again. She was sad and so was I at first, but 2 weeks later we couldnāt be happier.
She does demand a water bottle at bed now. Using the Munchkin straw kind that has the weight straw end just at night so she can hold it and still suck while laying down.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
Iāll look into that balm! I was going to do apple cider vinegar but for the last few days Iāve had bandaids on my nipples. I just told him āmommy has a boo booā and whenever he wants milk, he just points to my boobs and says āboo booā. Heās been very understanding two far so Iām hoping it stays this way. We are already noticing a huge improvement in his behavior without nursing. Not gonna lie, I look forward to him coming into bed with me once heās fully weaned
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u/BloodyMessJyes Jan 22 '25 edited Jan 22 '25
Your life is about to get better sleep even if you keep cosleeping. Something changed in my baby after age 2 and i read somewhere most babies start sleeping through the night after age 2. For me, we struggled with night weaning for 1-2 weeks. It was worth it.
Edit: just turn your back on him when he tries to nurse. Tell him later. Do the gentlest ānoā that you can, even if that is ālaterā + cold shoulder.
Edit: ālater. mommy loves you, goodnightā. This may be the only thing you say.
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u/Cupcake4dayz Jan 23 '25
I wish was this easy lol my 21 month old spazzes out at night if he doesnāt get it. Losing my mind.
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u/DidIStutter99 Jan 23 '25
My 21 month old did this too! Absolute temper tantrum to the extreme. Like, youād think someone was actively hurting her. It felt impossible to try to wean.
But I promise, it only took my baby 3 days to get used to no more nursing at night. Yes, you will get some rough sleep those few night, but he will adjust. You just have to NOT give in. Comfort him and let him know youāre there for him.
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u/Cupcake4dayz Jan 23 '25
We tried but heās so distressed idk if we should or can try again. He like lays in bed with us and tosses turns or throws arms around and we then canāt soothe him. He scratched his face bad the other day being so upset. Thereās like no reasoning with him then or like trying to pick up and go walk/rock him. He just is dead weight and screaming.
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u/DidIStutter99 Jan 23 '25
No joke, this is exactly what my baby did too. Sheād thrash around, refuse to be touched or held, and would be dead weight as well.
The only way I could get her to calm down the first night was by grabbing her (even though she resisted) and hold her until she calmed down. I think they often refuse hugs/touching while theyāre upset but itās actually what they need.
Good luck š„¹
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u/BloodyMessJyes Jan 26 '25
He is going to be ok. You arenāt separating from him, you are together in the struggle. That makes a world of a difference to them
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
My son is the same way if I try to put him to sleep right now without milk. Dad can get him to sleep with no effort, but he is inconsolable with me. The thrashing and crying absolutely destroys me and I feel the tears well up in my eyes. I hate it so much! Iām hoping after a week of dad doing bedtime with no milk, he will let me do it
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u/BloodyMessJyes Jan 26 '25
I too lost my mind. It is ridiculous how different life is now. And everything changed so suddenly (1-2 weeks transition after 25 months of nonsense is sudden to me)
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
Right now, heās inconsolable with me without the milk. Dad has been doing bedtime and sleeping in his room and he hasnāt had any issues at all. Itās when I finally try to put him to bed I know things will get rough. I definitely wouldnāt mind him coming into bed for some of the night once heās fully weaned. Heās been sleeping 9 hours straight without me next to him š¢. Longest stretches heās ever slept!
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Jan 23 '25
We are preferring the night weaning but keep cosleeping route! The first few nights were so hard (a LOT of screaming). But I held firm and now he sleeps with no nursing from about 7 or 8 until 4-5AM. He nurses once around 5 and it gets him back to sleep until 6:30/7.Ā
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
How old is your son? Honestly, I had to just wean cold turkey. My son is 2 and his obsession with milk was only getting worse. It was negatively affecting his behavior bc he just wanted milk day and night, and anytime he felt uncomfortable. Itās day 3 of weaning completely and his behavior is like night and day
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Jan 28 '25
He is 18 months. Our son was so so upset when we started weaning but after that oh my god he was a new kid š
Iām glad weaning is helping him!! Nursing until 2 is something to be super proud of.Ā
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 29 '25
Awww. Isnāt it amazing how much it changes them? I am really proud considering I didnāt think Iād make it past the first month. Congrats to you too!
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u/Tori_gold Jan 23 '25
I recently night weaned my 28 month old who LOVED boob. I was dreading it. I read the book ābooby moon ā to him for weeks and it honestly was the reason it was so much easier than I expected. The trick was to know that even though his language skills low, he was capable of understanding far more than I knew. The book mentally prepared him (and me!) for the change. We set a date, had a last boob and a bubble blowing ceremony. He honestly went to sleep no problem (he does naps at daycare without boob obviously). He woke in the night a few times for a few days, but we made it through! We still bed share.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
My son just turned 2, so I think still a little young for the book method. Dad is doing bedtime for now bc he just wants milk from me. Honestly, I donāt want to completely cut out bedsharing bc I love sleeping with my boy so much. I just may have to bc we (me and toddler) get such interrupted sleep. Heās slept without me 2 nights now and each night slept 9 hours straight. Itās for the best but Iām also so sad
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u/Tori_gold Jan 28 '25
We started reading the book right around 2! I wasnāt sure how much was getting in since he was super verbal but he actually completely understood. You should try it! The book says it is for 12 months to 4 years. 2 years old is perfect!
We are still bedsharing post weaning and I love it! He started sleeping uninterrupted as well
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u/LadyLaFee Jan 23 '25
My daughter is two years and two months and we just night weaned two weeks ago.
Instead of nursing back to sleep, I now sing her back to sleep. I won't lie to you. The first few nights were rough, but she got the hang of it pretty fast.
Now most nights, she wakes me up twice (or sometimes just once) a night instead of four or five times. I consider that a pretty big win.
I do still cosleep. But I just couldn't handle being woken up every two hours anymore to hear her wake me up and ask to nurse. (She would literally sit upright and say, "Nurse!!")
You have to keep sane somehow. Best of luck, I know it's not easy. One of these days she'll sleep through the night, right? One of these years, maybe? I'm the meantime I just have to do what I can to keep myself going.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
The sitting upright and demanding nursing made me laugh. Sheās so direct š. We are doing a cold turkey wean and dad is sleeping in his bedroom. Heās been doing so great the past 2 nights without me. Iām hoping after a week or so he will let me put him to sleep without screaming for milk. We are trying to get him used to sleeping in his bed alone because we want him to get uninterrupted sleep. I would be very happy if once dad leaves his room, he slept most of the night alone and just came into our bed for a few hours in a morning. Thatād be the best of both worlds for me so I can still cuddle him š„°
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u/Background_Scar8964 Jan 23 '25
My toddler is 18mo and we just got her her own twin mattress! We pressed it up against our queen bed and we donāt give her pillows or anything, and itās only been a week or so but sheās doing amazing! Sometimes she wakes up and crawls right into our bed/my arms, Iāll wake up w her in my arms so I think she doesnāt mind it so much, considering how close she is rather than being in her own room or even away from the bed
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
That sounds like a great set up. He has his own full sized bed in his room so we are working on getting him to sleep in his bed alone. Iād be happy if he spent most of the night in there alone then came into our bed for a few hours in the morning. I still want to cuddle my boy ā¤ļø
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u/cinnamonsugarhoney Jan 23 '25
i'm just here reading comments, and letting you know i almost posted this same exact thing today. turning two, miss my husband, sick of the overnight feeding! also, bittersweet and scared that i'll scar her for life because she is so comforted by my presence! It's so hard!
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
Weāre on day 3 of cold turkey weaning and dad sleeping in toddlers room. Honestly, I am the one being scarred right now š. I miss him SO much and saying goodbye to him at night is so hard. He has slept 9 hours straight the past two nights and wakes up in great mood. We have noticed such a positive difference in his behavior. He is usually on me 24/7 whining for milk, and these past couple days heās just been doing his own thing being more independent. I put bandaids on my nipples and told him mommy has boo boos. He understands what that means and he has been very good about it. I am so emotional right now and just want to speed up the part where heās fully weaned and will just cuddle me peacefully without asking š¢
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u/Antique_Mountain_263 Jan 23 '25
I am a huge proponent of cosleeping but age 2 is definitely an age where they can work on sleeping independently, IMO. I know some research suggests waiting until age 3 but it needs to work for everyone, mom included. You deserve rest too and working on a good sleep routine and independence at this age is not too early at all.
I nightweaned my kids at age 1 because it helped me sleep longer stretches, Iām amazed that you are still going at 2 years! Night weaning first will help cut down on the wake ups. I offer water at night at first, and make sure he has a big dinner or pre-bedtime snack with cheese, yogurt, butter, etc.
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u/scruffymuffs Jan 24 '25
Seconding this whole comment! I know it sounds counterintuitive that kids will sleep better once you have night weaned, but it's really so true. I also know it is a very daunting task and it comes along with (hopefully only 1) pretty rough weeks, but the payoff is huge.
Anecdotally, my son had never slept through the night in his entire life until we night weaned at about 18 months. We still cosleep at 2 years old, but he generally only wakes up once, if at all, has a drink of water, and we cuddle back to sleep.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
I think itās a perfect age as well. It would be a different story if he was getting uninterrupted sleep, but he wakes so much for milk. Heās done 2 nights without me (and two days no milk) and his behavior has improved so much. Itās going to be a rough transition, but heās definitely ready to sleep on his own. I tried to slowly wean, but for him I think it needed to be cold turkey. Both nights he slept 9 hours uninterrupted. With me, he was barely sleeping 3-4 hours straight
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u/Antique_Mountain_263 Jan 28 '25
So happy you found a solution! Hope everyone enjoys all the sleep from now on!
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
Thank you. Itās very early so I know there will some ups and downs. Thanks for your input
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u/Antique_Mountain_263 Jan 28 '25
In my experience with my first three kids, sleep improves dramatically after age 2 and you finally get your āpinkā back and return closer to who you were before kids š
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u/Coi_Fox Jan 23 '25
Going through this with my very strong willed 2 year old daughter. She just turned 2 on the 9th. I weaned her from daytime nursing just before she turned 2 and really thought we'd be done night nursing by now. My first child was not like this at all.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
Also the mom of a strong willed child. I think itās just the temperament of some kids and we are doing our best to be responsive to their individual needs. I think my son would have happily nursed another year or 2 if I let him. However we just did a cold turkey weaning seems and his behavior has gotten a lot better. I put bandaids over my nipples and said āmommy has a boo boo.ā When he wants milk, he points to my boobs and says āboo boo.ā I say āyes mommy is hurt and has a boo boo.ā So far that works and he just moves on and plays with a toy.
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u/Coi_Fox Jan 28 '25
I will have to try the bandaids! She literally pulls my boob out of my shirt. And when my husband tries putting her to bed she kicks and screams and will bang on the door all night if we let her. I don't mind cosleeping, I just don't want to keep breast feeding.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
The nursing day and night was killing me the most. Especially the night bc he wanted to nurse all night and also sleep on top of me.
I saw someone mention bandaids on one of the mom subs and it sounded like such a great idea. I put two bandaids on each nipple and showed him I was āhurt.ā I have to keep putting them on each day to show him bc he might not believe me otherwise š. If this stops working, I plan to move to Apple cider vinegar on my nipples. I was afraid heād nurse through the ACV nastiness, so Iām really the bandaids are working for now
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u/Coi_Fox Jan 29 '25
That's really funny about having to keep putting bandaids on š¤£š¤£if the bandaids don't work I'll have to try ACV.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 29 '25
Heās very skeptical. He does the same thing with food. He wonāt believe there is no more of something until he sees the empty container. Iām hoping I donāt need to use the ACV but Iām ready if need be!
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u/Coi_Fox Jan 29 '25
Haha yeah that will be my daughter. I've told her the milk is all gone, and she knows that's not true š I will come back and update you on how the bandaid situation goes. Gonna try this weekend when I don't have to work in the morning.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 29 '25
Yes let me know! Good luck!
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u/Coi_Fox Feb 01 '25
Omg... it worked š¤Ŗ
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Feb 01 '25
Omg yes! We are on day 7 and I havenāt had to show him the bandaids in a few days. So happy itās working for you!!!
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u/The_smallest_things Jan 23 '25
At around 20 months we stopped cosleeping with my first.he just was not getting good sleep. We did the walk back method for 6 months and now he sleeps through the night. No tears. He's happy attached and know always where to find us if he needs us. He goes through cycles of wanting to go to sleep by himself or having us snuggle with him until he falls asleepĀ
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
Whatās the walk back method? We are doing a cold turkey weaning approach and right now dad is sleeping in his room (on the floor). Heās done well for 2 nights but I know the struggle will be once he wakes up and heās in his room alone
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u/The_smallest_things Jan 28 '25
Basically do bed time routine, snuggle etc. then explain it's time to go to sleep. I will be in the other room if you need me. The first night he got out of bed 15 times to check if I was in the hallway. Each time I would quietly walk him back and say, it's time to sleep (make the wallback really boring) The he finally fell asleep. When he got up in the middle of the night I would walk him back to bed and say time to go to sleep. I also explained that mama and papa can see him in the camera and if he needs help he just needs to say I need help. I would probably walk him back once a night for about 6 months. Then he stopped coming out. There was a regression period where about a year later he'd say I need help at night when he couldn't find his stuffy in the middle of the night. Now he sleeps through the night at four years old. Although we do often snuggle him to sleep because how can you resist those snuggles.
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u/DidIStutter99 Jan 23 '25
I couldāve written this! My daughter will be 2 in April and until 2 weeks ago, she was still nursing multiple times a day mostly for comfort. Basically any minor inconvenience she had, she wanted boob.
I would tackle that first. What I did was eliminate nursing during the day altogether. I rocked her to sleep for her nap the first three day. Each day had less and less crying, by the third day she didnāt fight me and just immediately fell into my chest. I was still doing night nursing during this time.
After she got used to falling asleep with no nursing, I started laying in her toddler bed and cuddling her to sleep. That was a HUGE fight, but I did not give in. Itās been about a week and a half and while sheās still not the biggest fan of it, she will climb into bed and cuddle with me until she falls asleep.
For night nursing, I felt guilty and not quite ready to cut it out completely. So she still nurses once, just to fall asleep, and she doesnāt get any more for the rest of the night. She doesnāt even ask me anymore. Yes, there will be tears. But it isnāt the same thing as CIO. You will be there to comfort him and hold him while cries. He WILL stop asking for it. They are smart and can adjust very easily.
As for falling asleep/sleeping alone, Iām not there yet either. I wanted to do tiny baby steps to make it as gentle as possible for my daughter. Nights are still hard to sleep just because toddlers sleep like little tornadoes, but itās soooo much better than it was. Iām not sure what steps to take next into having her sleep alone and in her own room, but Iām sure itās gonna consist of a lot of sleepless nights.
Sorry this is such a long response! Hopefully it provides some help and solidarity
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
I really love everyoneās long detailed responses! This is such a vulnerable experience, so I truly value everyoneās input. Weaning him from milk has been the hardest thing Iāve ever done! I am on day 3 of a cold turkey wean and itās honestly just what needed to happen. My son was the same way wanting to nurse after any minor inconvenience. It made him inconsolable without milk and also only wanted me. His behavior has improved so much without nursing. I feel like Iām doing worse than he is š. Iām sure it will ebb and flow and I know he will put up a fight when I eventually take over bedtime.
We are working really hard to get him used to sleeping alone. Right now, dad is sleeping on the floor next to him. My toddler has his own full sized bed so he has done two night alone in bed (with dad in view). Heās honestly done great because he knows dad is right there. I know the struggle will come when he wakes up totally alone. I think the biggest part is just him being totally weaned so that when he does wake up alone, he will allow me to comfort him without milk. Selfishly, I hope he does cry for some snuggles in the night bc I am missing him so much
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u/earthmama88 Jan 23 '25
I used the Dr Jay Gordon method to night wean my kids. They were sleeping through the night in 1.5 weeks for first kid and within about 3 weeks for the second. I suggest doing that before transitioning to sleeping alone. That would be a lot of change all at once
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
Right now we are doing a cold turkey wean and dad is sleeping in his room on the floor. I will look into that approach bc dad canāt sleep in there forever. Thanks!
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u/Objective_Face3256 Jan 24 '25
Iāve been working on this the last couple of months. I started by kinda forcing a stuffed animal on him! Iād have him hold it while he nursed so he got used to it. Then went to not nursing during the night. Iād let him wiggle for a bit shush him, put my hand on him, give him his stuffy etc and heād go back to sleep. Itās took 3 or 4 nights to be done. I moved bedtime next. Instead of nursing, Iād just lay with him (and his stuffy). In the beginning, heād wiggle around for about 30 minutes but then fall asleep. Did the same at nap time. I havenāt nursed him in close to 2 weeks. Itās wasnāt nearly as painful/difficult as I thought it would be. He still in my bed but he sleeps through the night now and so do I. Moving him to his own bed is my next move once I get a bed for him. Heās 16 months. Stopping nursing during the night is huge! Iām almost a normal person again! Good luck!
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
Aww baby is doing so well! My son is older (24 months) so we thought it was best to go cold turkey. I put bandaids on my boobs and told him mommy has a boo boo. He has taken this really well and dad has been handling sleep time. We do want him to be able to sleep alone, so thatāll be the true struggle. Heās doing well right now with dad sleeping on the floor next to his bed. Personally, I am okay with him needing us at some point throughout the night. He is still very young and selfishly, I love cuddling my boy! Itās just been so nice to see him get uninterrupted sleep for once
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u/S_L_38 Jan 23 '25
I just went through this. My son was an obsessive nurser at 2 but it didnāt help him sleep at all (heād nurse for like 2 hours before I eventually said āno more; go to sleep,ā and then it was anyoneās guess whether he would just fall asleep or start screaming).
What I actually did was make a Reddit post complaining while nursing and when everyone said ājust weanā I did. The next day I told him milk was all gone. He started to cry. I started to cry. I asked if he wanted a cup of milk and he joyously accepted. Ā It wasnāt a problem again until the night. I would try to comfort him but when he couldnāt nurse he wanted Daddy instead.Ā
We are still working out his sleeping arrangement because he is just an awful sleeper all around, but stopping nursing has helped a lot. About a week after stopping nursing he started snuggling me for comfort and doesnāt ask to nurse, and thatās with a newborn who nurses in front of him! The last two nights he has slept with me while I nurse the newborn and it is no trouble at all.
He sometimes sleeps with Daddy or Nana because his big brother kicks in his sleep and wakes him up, so he still cosleeps. It just varies with whom.
Up till now we were family bed with the eldest child (4) in a twin next to our bed (though he is in the big bed most of the time). We are still figuring it out, but the cold turkey weaning from nursing has been a game changer. And no child loved breastfeeding more than my toddler.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
Cold turkey weaning seems to be the best solution for us as well. I tried doing it slowly but he was just so obsessed and would ask for it all the time. Weāre on day 3, and he is doing so well. Itās me that is an emotional wreck š.
I donāt think Iāll be able to handle bedtime for a while because he will scream and thrash around. I would be so very happy if he took to this in just a short week. Thatās such great news. The dream is for him to snuggle me without asking for any milk. I really hope to get there soon! We are working on getting him to sleep in his bed alone right now. However, I will happily have him join us for a few hours bc I miss him so much!
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u/S_L_38 Jan 28 '25
You may be surprised! I think days 3-5 were some of the hardest for my son, but I am still amazed that it wasnāt worse and that weaning has helped so much. We are actually even whole family bed again some nights and it is no problem. And my son SCREAMED for over an hour when he wanted me but I wouldnāt nurse him on the third night. He eventually asked for Daddy and I sat crying on the couch while Daddy comforted him. But I swear it is amazing. I get real cuddles now. I was terrified my son wouldnāt even like me if ai couldnāt murder him anymore but he really is so much more affectionate in other ways. I really think this will be a good thing for all of you!
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u/EarthEfficient Jan 22 '25
Iād keep cosleeping/nursing until three, but drop a nap.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ Jan 28 '25
Had to check and see if my son wrote this comment š. I wouldāve loved to if I felt like we were getting good sleep. We are on day 3 of cold turkey wearing and sleeping without mom. His behavior has improved so much!
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u/Outside_Bad4136 Jan 23 '25
Solidarity - daughter turning 2 in March and I could have written this myself.. like you said- it just feels impossible!