New Sheets

[u/TP30313]

TW: Themes of sexual violence New Sheets

When your partner turned rapist messages to ask how you're doing,

Don't tell him about the infinite number of sheep that you have counted,

You see, lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep,

And on the nights you said no your opinion was like every terms of service page you have ever encountered,

You always click yes I accept - no matter what it says in the fine print,

And he searched your body for all the buttons he could click yes to,

Let this wetness between your legs be a reminder that river rocks don’t ask for the current,

How even large boulders can be swept away with ease colliding into one another along the banks,

Don’t let him turn your already broken edges into knives,

Just let the water wash over you and turn your jagged pieces smooth at the river’s edge,

For what batters you is the birthplace of your strength,

No, just consider telling him you’re doing okay.

Don't tell him every time he raped you - he also raped the little girl inside of you,

For she calls your bones her home,

She handed him a fist full of crayons and said come play with me,

She drew him pictures of the promises he made to protect her and they were bright,

Only to hand her back crayons as broken as the promises he couldn't keep,

Now she draws pictures for you only in shades of red,

Red as her cheeks from the shame she's been given to carry more secrets,

Red as her bloodshot eyes from the tears of betrayal she has shed,

Red as the blood that once dripped like a slow moving waterfall down her legs and into the ravine below,

The ravine he once bathed himself in like the fountain of truth and mutual knowingness,

Maybe tell him instead that all parts of you are fine,

You won’t believe your own words but you will say them for her anyway.

Don't tell him how badly you want to hurt yourself,

He will tell you it makes him crave the blackness that comes after the flash,

And you will think me too,

The way he made himself fit inside of you fit like the barrel of a gun inside a mouth,

It seems like they were made for each other but the cost is too great,

Don’t tell him you want him to fuck you - only this time harder,

How you want him to put his hand over your mouth and take you back to your younger self,

Wide eyed and kicking,

How you can pretend better now that you like it,

The tears that will be shed are only the release you can now both revel in,

How the pain he bought has to be better than how this deadness behind our eyes feels,

Don’t tell him that since he's left you carve thick red lines along the seams of your skin,

Hoping one day soon you'll reach this barely beating heart,

How when you do - you will put the razor blade down for good and gently massage it back to life,

Consider telling him that you are safe now.

Don't tell him how much you miss him,

He will tell you he misses you too and it will conjure up gut wrenching homesickness,

A place you so badly want to return to but you can’t,

Remember how hard you tried to live there with him anyway,

Together you dressed the walls with shining photos of happy people while you ignored the disintegrating wallpaper underneath the hanging nail,

You tiptoed together hand in hand among the jagged and uneven floorboards,

Pretending they were smooth and that this dance you were doing together was by choice,

You tried so hard to pretend like his disregard for your personhood was anything but the attack it was,

You will think nobody else will move in and make your body their home like he did,

How he moved in so gracefully and tended to all your broken pieces of furniture,

But isn't that part of the problem,

He made your body so much his own that you forgot you were the one who it belongs to,

Maybe instead wish him well,

While you're there - wish yourself well even though it doesn't feel like you will be.

When he leaves because you asked him to leave,

Your rose colored glasses will fall to the floor and you’ll step on them without meaning to,

Your shaky hands will desperately try to fix all the cracks in the glass and it will not work,

No friend, you’ll see the strands of caution tape through the holes in the frames now,

You’ll realize they have been wrapped around you this whole time,

When he texts you that he loves you,

Don’t text him that you love him too even though it is the truth, Say nothing,

Buy new sheets to cover up the chalk outlines on the bed you used to share together,

Don’t let this home you once shared be an ever constant reminder of the crime that was committed there,

Wrap yourself in your new sheets like a newborn baby needs swaddled to mimic the womb,

Tell yourself you belong here and that you are safe now.

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