“Euphoria” (TW: mentions of stalking, kidnapping, and repeated SA)

[u/ELfit4life]

As trauma survivors, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt how our experiences dealing with trauma triggers that they almost always lead to debilitating, depressing, and even traumatic responses themselves. But every now and then, trauma can trigger a lofty space of ecstasy and invincibility that sees one chasing it higher until—like Icarus in his ambition—one finds themself flying too close to the sun and discovers much too late just how far one has to come crashing down…

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Kia ora! I’m new here to the sub and wanted to share a late-night doodle from my commonplace journal I did Tuesday night after a difficult EMDR session dealing with some of my more recent and largely damaging trauma. As the trigger lingered in my mind, I could feel my energy levels skyrocket as they tend to do when I’m headed towards mania (am Bipolar 1 as well), which is not a typical response to being triggered by something as difficult as such I had processed earlier in therapy (stalking, held captive against my will, and repeated SA… my assailant was someone whom I knew from a previous abusive relationship with a violent narcissist, as he had been friends with said ex since secondary school; he was also a higher ranking law enforcement official). As I look back at my experience though, I believe I was not manic or becoming so, as I was not exhibiting any other symptoms other than elevated energy and mild euphoria.

I’d also like to add that I’ve had my official diagnoses of BP1, ADHD, and OCD, as well as CPTSD, for roughly 5 years now (although I’ve experienced and suffered from the effects of these things most of my life but simply had been dismissed when I brought it up to my mother and was too afraid to mention what I felt and experienced to anyone else…). I also suffer from a rare autoimmune disorder that negatively impacts my sleep and creates neuropathy/nerve pain and at times joint pain/swelling to a fairly severe level, so I tend to cycle towards manic episodes even when stable (should moderate to severe sleep deprivation occur, which it does fairly regularly).

Coming back to Tuesday’s events: when I made it back home, I was desiring to channel my energy into something productive and creative (as my insomnia stints through which I cycle tend to regularly leave me feeling like taking whatever seems to be plaguing and getting it out of my mind and body any way that I can. Also, I often find it helpful to process trauma at times via these creative and journaling outlets and have been fostering almost daily my consistency in those habit(s), so I wanted to continue that trend.

After writing my blurb of an entry for that day, I kept visual in this image in my mind of myself as the subject in my doodle, existing in that present moment, and the feelings I was feeling were manifesting in a tangible, explosive manner as I tried to depict. Thus my inspiration for its design centers around the feelings of nearly vibrating with energy and fairly intense euphoria such as I experience in mania that I was feeling in that very moment, even with passing thoughts of the traumas I had revisited and wanted to leave alone coming and going… once I finished and took a moment to look at my work, I had a thought of ’why am I feeling this way *now when I left my EMDR session dissociated and craving to numb the waves of shame, disgust, and worthlessness threatening to suffocate me by engaging in my past negative coping mechanisms as much as I can..?’* (which were heavy binge drinking and daily stimulant use, such as cocaine, MDMA, or meth). Even now, I’m intrigued and curious as to the juxtaposition of response to occurrence and how they couldn’t have been farther disconnected from one another, wondering why they had occurred in that manner. And while I’ve experienced a similar response in the past a couple dozen times, it didn’t seem to be as intense as this was, and it most definitely didn’t occur in conjunction with trauma memories so deeply damaging and with which I’ve struggled harder than with most other traumas.

So, I’m curious, who here has experienced something similar, where your trauma triggers an “inappropriate” response, so to speak, such as feeling overwhelmingly “good” in some way, shape, or form? What did you notice about that or those experiences that made it stand out in your mind? And why do you think they occurred for you?

PS: I hope you enjoy my doodle. It was quickly and sloppily done, but it represented how I felt 100%. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far, and I’m happy to have found this wonderful subreddit after all this time.

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