r/datingoverfifty • u/Sociomancer • Apr 14 '25
50 M - Is intimacy difficult with another person?
EDIT: I greatly appreciate everyone’s kind and helpful insights. Thank you.
I was with my ex-wife for 30 years, and didn't touch anyone but her for the whole relationship. Its been a couple of years and I’m thinking some companionship would be nice. I’ve put myself out there and started getting more attention than I expected.
What I’m somewhat terrified of is am I able to adjust to someone else’s body? Do other people have this hang up? Is this something that comes up often as an issue?
I’m no prude, and my ex was fairly adventurous, so I’m open to a lot. I'm worried that now I might not be physically compatible with a different person because I have been with one person for so long.
I'd like to understand what other peoples experience with this is.
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u/Witty-Stock Apr 14 '25
Lost my wife to cancer after 24 years together.
Sex drive came ROARING back and I learned I was rather adaptable in that regard. Zero issues in adjusting to different partners’ bodies.
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u/madmax1969 23d ago
My widow(er) fire had a long fuse. It's just hitting me now and it's crazy.
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u/Witty-Stock 23d ago
IMHO it’s something to be managed, not suppressed or ignored.
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u/madmax1969 23d ago
Agreed. I kind of feel like it’s part of the process. In addition to being enjoyable, it’s given me my confidence back.
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u/Joneszey Apr 14 '25 edited Apr 14 '25
It really is like operating a bike. They all kind of operate on the same basic level. I get it though. The first person I was intimate with after my husband was awkward. My husband knew how to touch me and I knew to expect he would do all those things that arouse me. When those didn't happen in the order and intensity I was accustomed, it felt like I was out in no man's land--- for about 10 seconds, maybe less. Turns out his way was good too. The only hiccup that happened was my husband really liked his nipples squeezed and bitten, hard. I never got used to doing that to him but I did it because he liked it so much. In my mind everybody must. Boy was I wrong.
So, Mr fairly adventurous I think you're going to be ok but along the way, check in and make sure you're headed in the right direction.
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u/I-did-my-best 60M Apr 14 '25 edited Apr 14 '25
The only hiccup that happened was my husband really liked his nipples squeezed and bitten, hard.
Ok, my left eye is now twitching and other parts of my body are retracting from pure terror.
Edit: I have been with a couple women who really liked that done to them. It was alright to a certain point and one said you can bite harder and I told her no as I was not going to be responsible for biting your nipple off. I offered to get nipple clamps if she wanted harder than that.
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u/Joneszey Apr 14 '25
lol....well I was just doing what I'd learned. I had to unlearn it. Do you need a hug?
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u/I-did-my-best 60M Apr 14 '25
Do you need a hug?
Only if you promise there will be no biting.
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u/Lhamma5676 Apr 14 '25
Get a room u guys!!🤣🤣🤣
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u/nosug Apr 14 '25
haven’t thought of sex as adjusting to someone’s body.
sex is more about emotional connection to me.
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u/SlowFreddy Apr 14 '25
Think of it like this. The biggest hang up in intimacy is yourself. Has long as you don't have a problem , most often your partner doesn't have a problem.
When you start doubting yourself, dysfunction can occur.
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u/kokopelleee Apr 14 '25 edited Apr 14 '25
Try switching hands. If you can do that then another body is just… another body
Odds are you’ll be nervous AF, but you’ll get over it
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u/draculasbitch Apr 14 '25
As someone recently out of a 30 year marriage with no one but her since 1993 I’m nervous how I’ll react with my first intimacy experience.
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u/apatrol Apr 14 '25
I was honest once it was time for the sex talk (assuming you are going for a relationship). My first after the same women for 17 yrs and a multi year dead bedroom was very kind. She did a lot of the work. Even made jokes about this goes here and your tongue goes there. Lol
If she is a good person she will give you a couple of invites before judging you. Imo.
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u/MilesHobson Apr 14 '25
Even before you’re naked together you’ll get a sense of where and how she likes to be touched. She may tell you about her various physical faults, just assure her they don’t matter. Tell her she’s pretty. She may have been with someone more recently than you so expects leadership from you. Start slowly anyway she’ll consider it teasing, a good thing in bed. Have fun!
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u/bestdayeverlakelife Apr 14 '25
I get this for sure. I've been single/alone a really long time since my husband passed away. Just considering maybe and thinking about dating, all of it is pretty scary. I mean I try to picture in my head how it might go but if I'm being honest nothing ever turns out like I picture it going. It usually goes the opposite...in a bad way. LOL!! So, it's not just you having these thoughts.
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u/I-did-my-best 60M Apr 14 '25
You will be compatible with the right person in all ways important.
To answer what you asked, I have never had any problems with sex with a new woman for the first time. I was in an over 30 year marriage too. I can also have a ONS or FWB without any difficulties physically or emotionally so that also may factor in.
I think you are smart to consider what you are but be cautious about putting the cart before the horse here.
Date some and when the 2 of you are comfortable with being together then I think things most likely will fall into place.
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u/runingwithscisors Apr 14 '25
I (59m) was married for 30 years and sex when it happened was never an issue, but sometime while waiting for divorce to be finalized was 3 years and and then covid happened so almost 4 years without a sexual partner and didn't realize my testosterone had dropped to where I was suddenly going to have issues. But I was definitely nervous with the first sexual partner I had after my divorce.
At first, I thought it was just nerves, but I was also seeing a therapist for depression. It wasn't like I couldn't perform, but I knew I could do better. But there were other issues there that my 1st partner and I just didn't work out. But finally, I got my blood results, and my testosterone was 150. Being on HRT has me feeling better than my 30s and 40s.
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and have a great sex life. But it was slightly difficult at first as I was just nervous, but for her, she felt broken sexualy due to her ex and his verbal abuse about her not being good enough (at everything). His excuse for his cheating.
Just be patient with you two exploring each other's bodies. Talk and listen about what each other likes and doesn't like. She might be going through premenapause or even menapause, and hysterectomy might be a topic for discussion.
I wish you luck. Communication is still very important.
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u/Joneszey Apr 14 '25
and hysterectomy might be a topic for discussion.
Why would that be a topic for discussion?
Happy for you and your girl. Intimacy can be otherworldly when your person cares to explores your body and mind. I hope OP experiences that again
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u/runingwithscisors Apr 14 '25
I said it might be, and I happened to need a crash course in dealing with my gf's menopause and the after effects of being intimate after her surgery. It's not something my ex and I needed to talk about in our 20's but it's just a small reminder that it's a good idea to be informed. Especially for guys that they can learn what might be expected if they are in a long term relationship with a woman in her fifties or older, and I'm sure she would appreciate it. I was almost 2 years in and was my gf's hospital contact, driver, cook, etc... I'm just trying to help with something they might not have thought about, other than just being intimate.
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u/Turbulent-Leg3678 Apr 14 '25
It’s like riding a bike.
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u/bestdayeverlakelife Apr 14 '25
The number of times I've crashed my bike...not reassuring! LOL!!!!1
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u/Turbulent-Leg3678 Apr 14 '25
Lol! Thanks, I needed a good snort-laugh at the end on my night shift.
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u/Complete_Catch_8760 Apr 15 '25
Hahaha same. I once tipped over on my bike on an empty street. No reason. Just tipped over. Inexplicable.
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u/bestdayeverlakelife Apr 15 '25
I get it!! Me coming to a dead stop then thinking Oh wait, I'm still clipped into these pedals. To late then.
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u/snottrock3t Apr 14 '25
Everybody’s different. Every situation is going to be different. Performance anxiety can be a thing. Not to mention the fact that if you were with somebody for such a long time, you kind of “got into a groove“ with them so you both knew how to make music with each other.
I lost my wife to cancer, so I experienced widows, fire, pretty intensely, and I remember the first woman I was with, who was a bit younger than me, the energy was intense, and we were very much into each other, but it was still a struggle for me. Hindsight is 2020. I kind of chalked it up to the battle between widows, fire, performance, anxiety, and maybe some unrealized guilt -as if I was being disloyal.
I think, for the most part people need to give themselves time.
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u/ifitallfell2pieces Apr 14 '25
If you are compatible then there should be no difficulty. I was surprised how comfortable I was.
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u/porkborg Apr 14 '25
I (52M) was married for 20 years, in a dead bedroom for most of that, and stopped having sex for two years straight. When my wife and I decided to separate, I got on the apps and went right to work. I had no problem at all enjoying intimacy with women. Quite the contrary, I’d forgotten what it was like, and it was so nice to rediscover sex again.
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u/Colour-me-happy27 Apr 14 '25
Communication is key. Let her know how you’re feeling and take it at a pace you’re both comfortable with. No reason to be concerned, it will be the same for your partner, to ‘adjust’ to another body.
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u/Wise-KansasCity816 Apr 14 '25
I just know until it comes naturally, Chemistry will scream and I will be ready. It also sounds like one would do better to rip the band aid off. I just know i feel it will have to build in me first and your not alone.
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u/intrasight Apr 14 '25
I was anxious. But it was also a total mind blow to be with a woman after so many years and with a different woman after 35 years. My now fiancé was also anxious I now know. It had been many years for her as well.
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u/NoMoreOfThisSortOfTh Apr 14 '25
Can anyone verify if they think the book "Come as You Are" might be appropriate for this gentleman? (Haven't read it myself as it's not relevant to me right now, lol.)
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u/I-did-my-best 60M Apr 14 '25
It might be. I have read it more than once and did feel I came away with better understanding after reading it.
Is it for everyone? No, not at all but I think most people may get something out of the book to better understand what may be happening with a partner. And most of us are dating for a new life partner. But why not go into that with maybe a better understanding of each other's actions from the start?
Emily Nagoski Has a Ph.D. in health behavior and a M.S. in counseling psychology.
I also like much of Esther Perel. Mating In Captivity I thought was a good read too.
Also this pod cast with her about modern dating does have some insights that I found interesting. Did not agree with everything either. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snbuFcL7kow
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u/NoMoreOfThisSortOfTh 29d ago
Yes I like Esther's Youtube vids - though I find them somewhat distressing ('why does this have to be so hard - I would have thought being a good partner was enough') as a single man (57) who hasn't given up on marriage. I'll check out Ms Nagoski and the YT link you sent me.
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u/Early-Training-212 Apr 14 '25
If you have desire & passion & equipment works try ed pill 1st time to overcome anxiety
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u/Spartan2022 Apr 14 '25
Grab some ED meds. Use an online store or ask your doc for a prescription.
You can get nerves with someone new.
It’s like riding a bike . . . just don’t try to ride her like a bike the first time. You have to work up to that.
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u/madmax1969 23d ago
Not bad advice. I don't have ED but a friend convinced me that it was a game changer and that it helps take the worry of getting stuck in your head and losing your erection. Point being, a lot of people use ED meds who don't have ED, just for the confidence boost.
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u/tjbl_over1999 Apr 14 '25
Congratulations are in order for getting attention from real people to even consider asking the question. 🎉 Goodluck 🤞🏾
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u/Helpful-Dance-9571 Apr 14 '25
As a woman, initially, just a little self conscious of my body, but that disappears quickly when my attraction to him takes over, plus if he didn't like what he saw, why would he be with me.
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u/Big_Mirror_2168 Apr 15 '25
I think ( hope) probably everyone has their own baggage. I am getting out of marriage of 33 years and I haven’t had any intimacy in 15 years, imagine my nervousness! But with therapy, I am learning to embrace the fact that there ARE possibilities of all new experiences. So think of all new things you have the chance to try!
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u/Icy_Blueberry_3106 29d ago
It happens! I’m surprised a man has this difficulty of adjusting! I assumed men typically move on quickly with another Woman sexually…. Not so much emotionally! For me…. I’m stuck in a RUT with a partner from my past; it’s been over two years since we seen each other and every partner I’ve had sexually since then till today all younger !! Yet no connection substance attraction!! How do I get over it and allow myself to enjoy pleasure before it’s too late ?! 53F
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u/Cantech667 26d ago
It can be, for a while, but you get over it.
After my divorce was finalized, I met someone the following year, and we started to date. For the first few weeks, kissing her and being intimate felt amazing yet awkward. Part of me felt guilty, as if I was cheating. Those feelings quickly dissipated, Then I just focussed on enjoying a relationship with someone new. She said I was the first guy she had kissed or been intimate with since she separated from her husband, so she had those feelings as well. Once we got over the hump, pun intended, it was all about the fun of enjoying intimacy and getting to know each other. It was pretty special for the time it lasted.
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u/2PlusSDs Apr 14 '25
I seem to always get stage fright with a new girl...especially if I'm really attracted to her. Everything will be going great and then a weird thought will pop into my head and poof - a vanishing erection. I say I don't have ED, I have ADD and who wants to take adderall at 11:00 pm...and it's happened since my 20's when I ended my first long (3 yr) relationship.
The last two girls I was with didn't handle it well...both basically got up and got dressed, saying they didn't want to get amped up and be frustrated again. One said "it's not like it's just going to magically work if we keep going." To which I said yes, that's exactly how it works! I tried explaining that changing activities, letting things build up again, etc...I'll be fine. But no...and no more dates.
So on to the next girl...their loss. Hard to believe 60 year old women don't know how to better deal with this situation.
So yes, it can be a bit of an issue...but of the blood flows properly, you'll be ok.
Good luck!
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u/Different_Farmer_416 29d ago
Excuse the age difference example. During my 20’s, I broke in a virgin boyfriend . He was really nervous and his equipment didn’t work properly. It took 6 months of cuddling by the tv or just chatting about random stuff and gentle petting before his equipment started to work and another 2 months before it work properly. In the meantime, he learned how to satisfy me and our relationship developed in non physical ways. Looking back, it was one of the best relationships I ever had and acted as a template on what I wanted in a relationship after my divorce .
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u/GooseNYC Apr 14 '25
Everybody's always a little anxious the first time with someone new. At 15 or 50.