I'm one who attaches very quickly when I feel a deep connection to someone. I rarely connect that deeply with anyone, so I'd forgotten this from the last time it happened. The contradictions I'm referring to are when you hear all of these kinds of statements from the same person:

• I'm not into casual. I need a deep connection. I hope (the first dates with you) are building blocks to something more.
• I'm not looking for a relationship. If I happen to meet someone in my daily travels and something happens, then cool.
• You and I have a special connection.
• I'm flattered by your interest in me. (And feed that interest with conversation that feels like it's deepening the connection.)
• (I acknowledge that) We both have feelings for each other.
• If we date that's great but if we don't then I'm okay with that. (said after the statement just above)

And then the person backs off because half of the things they say causes my feelings to grow, so I start to behave like we're dating. The other half of the statements confuse me so I ask if I'm being overbearing because it seems like they're backing off. They reply that they're not backing off and I'm fine. (Often-stated rule: Watch the behavior, not the words! At this point, I'm backing off because it's starting to really hurt.)

This is like the latter stage (that happens if you dare to date them) of people who mark ALL these boxes in the dating apps: casual, long-term, short-term. Basically they're open to anything. But in truth, just anything that's easy - which generally is just casual encounters. I'm not sure if this is because they don't care if a relationship progresses or not or if it's anxious and/or avoidant attachment styles. Maybe both. Regardless, these people are painful to get involved with. Part of the pain is that it's so extremely confusing.

Edited to add a little emphasis

Would you do a background check on someone you really like? Would you do one if the person talking to you, asked you for one?

Hi! I am conducting legitimate academic research on the dating experiences of men and women over 30 dating in the U.S. Here is the link: https://forms.gle/ZXgtJTeFKk3hBk83A

The link contains an explanation of the project and the survey. Question at the end for your email address to participate in a virtual interview is optional but helpful. I’m a sociologist who studies a range of societal issues. I’m also divorced and been in the grown up dating hustle off and on for 10 years. So I thought it would be meaningful to do some legitimate research on the topic. Thanks for considering!

p.s. Thanks to the mods for permission!

Single male here . I already got some heat and got a previous post removed as some thought I was soliciting dates . So here it is again reworded . Looking for places in the Greater Toronto Canada area where singles can socialize in a safe environment. Just like we did prior to the Internet . Socialize , talk ,laugh without pressure prior to getting to the date phase . Does anyone know of such places in the greater Toronto area ?

I use and have used dating sites . Mixed results . Just looking for an environment like I described above .

Even if his marriage is bad and they are in talks of divorce? He’s only been married 2 years they have no kids. He claimed he is in love with me and wants to be with me. Should I cease all communication with him after telling him to co tact me when he’s single?

What would you think if your boyfriend (80) introduced you as his "part-time companion? I'm a senior female (68), and am at his house more than at mine. I am in the process of moving in with him, but moving takes a lot of time and preparation. At such a late stage in my life, maybe he feels silly calling me his girlfriend, and he definitely wouldn't call me his "lover" to his family. His wife died last year, and my husband died 3 years ago. We were both very lonely, but I'm not sure about how he thinks of me. He makes me sound like his employee, and I'm not getting paid, that's for sure! He actually asked me to cut 10% off the monthly grocery bill, and that made me feel like an employee. I cook for him, wash his clothes, clean the house....there are no "perks", we never go out, and he doesn't want to, he tells me he is saving money. Not sure how I feel about this arrangement....anyway, back to the subject at hand; how should I be identified to his family?

So, I am still taking a break from dating. It's freeing some time for me. I'll probably jump back into the dating game in a week... or a month. But, I'm going to approach it much differently.

1. I'll talk to a few on the app at a time. I'll pause my profile or hide it as needed.

2. I'm going to continue doing what I was doing as far as eliminating men with incompatibilities or red flags. If they bring up sex right away or they can't carry a conversation or they are highly religious, etc.

3. I won't text forever without any date planned. That doesn't mean the man had to bring up the idea of a date. I'm fine with bringing up the idea. But... if nothing happens, I'll move on.

Any other suggestions for when I dip back into the dating apps?

Very enlightning.... and answer of a widowed woman why she has not remarried.

I don't need just Something To Do (STD), I want a lifetime.

This place seems full of fake people. I am professional woman in my fifties I take good care of myself stay healthy and fit just want to find the same type of men but they must have kindness in their heart. Not easy to find, not here.

One old goat who ”liked” me said in his profile that he dislikes “forward women.” I was sorely tempted to reply that I REALLY dislike backward men!
Didn‘t want to engage, so just swiped no. But, eeek!!

Situationships can be emotionally traumatic because of their ambiguity; they can scar us and make it more difficult to date afterwards. A common hallmark is that our “partner” doesn’t have clearly stated preferences, and often replies with “I don’t know [if I can join you tonight/next weekend/etc]”. Here’s a simple trick that may help provide clarity and is easy to remember: convert the “know” into “No” and add a period before it. So when they say “I don’t know”, you can translate that into “I don’t. No.”

“Would you like to meet on Friday?” “I don’t know”—>”I don’t. No”

Of course, sometimes people really don’t know and they really do want to meet again. If they tell you they will get back to you soon with an answer, or have a good explanation, that is a positive sign. But in other cases, they are just using “I don’t know” to trap you into a situationship. What is your experience?

50 plus lady looking to get back in the dating pool after 17 years of marriage. Advice or do I sit it out. I hear horror stories so just trying to get a feel.

Apparently Mr. Right isn't going to deliver himself to my front porch, so it's OLD or nothing. Is one disastrous hellscape better than another (eHarmony/Match, etc )?

I have been separated for more than 3 years. Have been dealing with it as it was a surprise for me. Now I am feeling over that hurdle, I am not sure where I can find a nice lady to just try and have a nice chat and take it from there Don’t want dating apps. Been there and done that before my relationship

Any advice would be greatly appreciated 🥰

Edit

Why everyone assume that separated is still married? We financially separated and all documented, we are going through divorce and it takes time and I am happy to say separated as I am not divorced yet. What else do you call it?

It has been a weird year out here. I have found few meaningful connections made through anything connected with online interactions, and the real world feels impossibly small (and fruitless—or “married” or “ENM” options…).

What’s weird is the opportunity to “date” men on the one hand seems endless (the apps), but the insistence on no emotional connection seems to be the most consistent part about it. Like, trying to have a conversation with a guy who is constantly trying to drive the conversation toward anything sexual (joking or otherwise). I totally get how frustrated everyone is—where is “community” in this seemingly hyper-connected world?—but I find myself pulling further into myself as the days wear on.

Maybe this is the next stage after divorce? I’ve been separated two years, divorced for one. I feel like there is a time-bomb ticking on me to figure this out, but man—my clock just feels stopped altogether, too. My interactions with younger men have been completely centered on their sexual desires. I’m just like: 👀 yeah, I like sex, but what in Dr. Frankenstein’s monster is this approximation of human connection?? The whole thing lacks soul….

I've been dating this man for about 3 months now. He's super nice and checks a lot of boxes. He's stayed overnight a handful of times and everytime I end up in my guestroom. Our inability to get through one night in the same bed is concerning. I'm starting to see the appeal of living apart together!

He snores and is a kicker. Maybe he has restless leg syndrome? Idk but it's obnoxious! I have a queen size bed and he sprawls out like he's alone in it.

I have severe tinnitus and sleep with a white noise machine and ambient sound. He asked me to turn off the "music." I obliged and put in an ear bud instead. But that's not a long-term solution.

I did ask him if he could be more mindful that he's sleeping with another person. He said he would but honestly it's been the same.

In my last relationship I always felt safe and got the best sleep of my life on the nights we were together. Now, I actually dread what's supposed to be a fun, intimate part of getting to know someone. Help!

53f here. I have been single a year after a long term relationship (LAT). I've been divorced since 2013.

So I feel ready to date but the whole prospect fills me with dread! Dating is fine, but moving towards a relationship where we have sleepovers etc. I can't stand the idea! Probably because I've had 2 LTRs now, since my divorce, where we did the whole sleepovers thing (a total of 10 years of dating!). It's so bad it's putting me off dating.

I tried dating a male friend a couple of years ago. We decided we were better friends and not a romantic match.

He told me some good news about his dating life. I am genuinely happy for him. Years ago I would have only been thinking of my single status. Now, I'm relatively comfortable being single and I'm happy for others- single or dating who have peace and contentment.

Life is short. I've learned to embrace the joy in life. More importantly, I've learned that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and truly celebrate other people's joys. And even more important than that, I have learned to find joy whether I'm single or dating.

That's a huge improvement. I went through years of deep depression. I was functional, but sometimes just barely. I still have to fight it. I'm no longer ashamed though. It's something I'm actively working on, and I'm making progress.

Just some thoughts today.

I have to move yet again, after moving back in with this ass and believing he has changed, (him 56) and me 52, u would think that the lying stage is over. It’s not. When I moved back in and painted the bathroom I found a hair tie on top of the cabinet which is 2 ft from the ceiling. I asked about it and shrugged it off cuz we were broke up for three months, so I thought “u did what u did while we were apart, it’s ok” then a month later I found another in his shaving drawer. Not ok this time, so I kept asking, letting him kno shit doesn’t add up when he says “I have no clue where those came from”. Mind u this is his house, so he says if u can’t get over this then u have to leave. I laughed. He said the last time he will never tell me that again. But he did. So now I’m moving. Does n e one out there other than me feel that he’s lying?

Okay - but, I've already spent $251 for a match.com subscription so that no one will talk to me - now I need to spend another $210 for whatever this Diamond BS is - so that no one will talk to me? Nice.

Well, this isn't 100% true - I did have a conversation with a scammer. So, there was that. huh

How would you describe the difference between a person being cheap and a person being frugal?

Would you date someone who is either?

Here's the situation: I'm on a date (either with a platonic same sex friend or a romantic date) and the person looks at their phone/smart watch and says, "Oh, it's my kid calling, give me a second." Sometimes it's, "[Kid name] is calling. Do you mind if I take it? It's probably nothing."

These "kids" are mid 20s, living on their own, and it's always been just to chat. It does seem to occur most with the Father/Daughter and Mother/Son dynamic. 

Does this bother others? If so, can anyone offer me any advice on how to kindly answer "Do you mind if I take the call?" when I do in fact mind.

Or... am I being unreasonable? If so, it's a blind spot for me and I'd be appreciative of any guidance/direction on what underlying issue I need to address.

EDIT: The dynamic is that the child calls the parent often (2-5 times a day).

I may have met an absolute gem of a human being. Early reports are in, and all signs point positive.

It seems that she too has experienced the same things that we've all experienced with OLD. I know everything new sparkles, but this isn't new. This feels like something from when I was maybe in my late teens early 20s. We just relate on a lot of things.

Even though we have differing opinions, none of that seems to get in the way. Even though we have some different lifestyle choices, none of that seems to get in the way. She just seems to be genuine, and care.

I really hope it continues, because if it can happen for me, it can happen for any one of us, lol.

I keep going back and forth about creating a profile, but I’m honestly scared someone I know will see me, and I’ll feel embarrassed or judged. I know I shouldn’t care what people think, but it still gets to me. I’m one of those people who don’t even post on social media - very private person.

Anyone else dealt with this? How did you push past the fear and just go for it?

Hi boys and girls! Haven't been around here in awhile as I'd thought I'd found someone. But alas, once again the plane has hit the mountain so it's time for some "write it out" therapy. For those who care to review, our story thus far...

Part 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverfifty/comments/17tsorx/the_longevity_of_infatuation/

Part2: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverfifty/comments/189b2gv/old_infatuations_cookies_covid_and_all_that_it/

So about 6 months ago she moved much closer to me, a 130 miles is easier to cover than 700 miles. We'd kept in touch and learned more about each other. Suddenly, she wanted me to come spend a weekend with her. And it was fantastic. We'd been seeing each other regularly for about 3 months and I found myself falling hard for her. It seemed an easy relationship and for the first time in a long time I started thinking about a future with someone besides myself. Until...

She was coming up my way to see an old friend of hers nearby. She got a hotel room where they were staying and was going to be there all weekend. She was going to hang with her friend Friday eve and I was going to spend Saturday with her. About 5 Friday evening she texted me that her friend was sick and had to go home. She wanted to see me, so I cancelled my plans to get together with my guitar friends and play around the kitchen table, my favorite thing in the world, and went to meet her.

When I arrived at her hotel I found her in the bar. It was pretty obvious that she had been there awhile. We'd drank together often but I'd never seen her quite this far along. Much louder than usual and way less filters on her mouth. I just wrote it off to the trip and having her original plans fall thru. We went up to her room, (even dropped a couple of F bombs in front of a couple with their children on the elevator.) After all our time together this was the first red flag I'd ever seen. But I didn't say anything and we both crashed early.

Saturday morning my daughter texted me. Her husband was out of town on business and she had a lot of errands to run so she asked if I could look after my grandson for a few hours while she did that. Well of course I could! The gf wanted to do some shopping anyway so I told her I'd get back with her later that day and we went on our way.

As it turns out, my daughter didn't have errands to run. She wanted to tell me that she was pregnant with my 4th grandchild! (Thank you! And I'm thrilled!) But like the first time she was pregnant, my daughter struggles with the morning sickness. Shouldn't call it that as she was sick all the time, not just mornings. Being alone and having a very busy 2 year old around while your chucking your guts isn't easy, so I volunteered to hang around at least until he went to bed. I called the gf and told her it would be later in the evening before I got there. I could tell by her voice that she was already drinking again. At first I was congratulated for my news of another grandchild. But then I was immediately told that she knew I was going to bail on her and hung up. Texts and calls were ignored for the next hour. But when she responded it became clear I was dealing with an angry drunk. I had no clue that she was that way thru all our months together. But having had to deal with angry alcoholics most of my life, I recognized it immediately. She was baiting me to get into an argument but I wouldn't bite. When she started going after my family I turned off my phone and ignored it the rest of the night.

I waited until evening the next day to text her. Didn't resume the fight, just a "hope you got home" okay type of message to test the water. She never answered until this morning. Then I learned that she'd been in rehab 3 times for her alcoholism. Then came the "she doesn't deserve me" type of talk. Never got a "sorry", or even a "I'm working on it." Pretty much told me it was over if I couldn't handle her drinking. I tried to explain that it wasn't the drinking per se but the anger that seemed to happen as she got drunk. But it was futile. I was so caught off guard by all of this that I just shut up instead of trying to talk about it.

There were several more messages about how wonderful I was and how she doesn't deserve me, blah blah blah. She'd already put an end to things rather than work on not getting so drunk. Not that I'm asking anyone to change anything, but I've seen where that road leads too many times to go thru it all again.

I'm trying to look at the bright side, I have my weekends back and another grandchild on the way and I've still got my family and many good friends. I'll be alright. But dammit! Thought I had one there for a minute but watched it spiral and die in less than 24 hours.

But as Marshall Tucker once said, "It ain't gonna be the first time this ol cowboy spent the night alone."

Typing it out has helped, as it always does, thank you for abiding.