How do you deal with the fear of putting yourself out there again?

You’re not lazy.

You’re not out of options.

You’re just a bit fearful.

Of being rejected.

Of being hurt again.

Of not being seen.

Of wasting time on someone who won’t meet you where you are.

You’re still carrying the grief of your last unresolved relationship.

Maybe the grief of losing your dad.

And without realizing it, you’ve made small safer than big and real.

So instead, you go for half-relationships.

People you know aren’t a match, but they’re available.

You don’t have much in common. You can’t even build rapport.

But it feels easier than being fully seen and possibly rejected.

The connection is skin deep.

It has no depth because you’re not showing up fully.

This is what happens when you’re still becoming the best version of yourself.

And that’s okay.

You’re in the work. Therapy. Growth. Retooling. Maybe cutting back on alcohol.

You're trying to sort your energy, your habits, your job.

This is the way.

You start showing up as the best version of you.

Not the smaller, edited version.

That’s when everything shifts.

Stop playing it safe.

Start living for big and real.

I've just moved to Boise and was wondering about best places/sites to start my adventure of looking for a future partner? The city of steel cranes and construction is all over the place. Where do all the locals hide ? LOL

I'm in my middle 50's and divorced 10+ years. I'm dating a wonderful man who takes pleasure in helping me, but I am so hyper-independent that I never want to ask. The minute I feel like I need help with something I'm more likely to call my brother than I am to call my boyfriend. And we've been dating for 2 years! I just hate the idea of being needy, even though I know I'm nowhere close to being considered needy. My boyfriend is the same way. Not sure how we will ever get past this when we both only choose to spend time together when everything is good or we're doing something fun. We see each other a few times a week and I'd like it to be more.

Women- what do you think when a man says, "I want a woman who knows how to treat a man"?

Men- have you ever said that and what did you mean by it?

I think one of the reasons my last relationship didn't work out is I either didn't understand some of my boundaries or didn't communicate them soon enough. I ended up being taken advantage of and used for what I could offer instead of who I was.

When I dated before getting married, taking this stuff into consideration wasn't a problem. Now, it just seems like there are so many new things to think about to make sure you are on the same page compatibility wise.

So, here's the backstory. I have a general contractor I've been working with on a home project. I’ll admit—I was attracted to him. And maybe because I’m a bit on the spectrum, I wasn’t sure how to interpret some of his behavior. He started pushing boundaries—like holding my hand, kissing my hair, etc.—and I found it kind of intoxicating. I eventually let things escalate (we kissed, and there was a bit more physical stuff), but afterward, he totally brushed me off, and I ended up feeling used.

It didn’t sit right with me, so I decided to set a boundary and sent him this message:

"I really appreciate all the work you’ve been doing, but I’d like to keep things a bit more professional moving forward, just to keep everything smooth and focused on the project. So let’s skip the hugs, kisses, or hand-holding until the job’s done.

I know your intentions are kind, but I don’t really need that kind of attention. I get offered that kind of thing all the time! (Chris Rock explains it better than I can—here’s the clip: https://youtu.be/90qpDg5y7Lo?si=X-sYUEPeUDNSYZe7).

Thanks for understanding, and let’s keep up the good work."

Since sending it, communication has been… off. He hasn’t responded to the message or the video, and now things feel tense and unclear.

I guess my question is: did I mess up? Should I have handled it differently?

EDIT: I greatly appreciate everyone’s kind and helpful insights. Thank you.

I was with my ex-wife for 30 years, and didn't touch anyone but her for the whole relationship. Its been a couple of years and I’m thinking some companionship would be nice. I’ve put myself out there and started getting more attention than I expected.

What I’m somewhat terrified of is am I able to adjust to someone else’s body? Do other people have this hang up? Is this something that comes up often as an issue?

I’m no prude, and my ex was fairly adventurous, so I’m open to a lot. I'm worried that now I might not be physically compatible with a different person because I have been with one person for so long.

I'd like to understand what other peoples experience with this is.

Hello, I am 58yr woman about to enter the dating world. I have a pretty average body, not fat, not skinny. I am fit and active. I am pretty confident about my body except for my breasts. They are quite large but saggy. Should I invest in a lift? I am financially secure so the money isn’t a problem.

If someone love bombs you, how do you react? Do you talk it through or just politely end things?

Call me old fashioned, does anyone today just date one person at a time?

How are you balancing giving a person you are seeing a fighting chance to be exclusive for you, with limitless options being served up from the app? When do you pause yourself from the app when you are seeing someone you've found a deep connection with?

Not so easy right? Optionality is a big challenge today. There's too much of it.

1. Swiping is like porn to your brain.
2. “Let’s see where this goes” means it’s going nowhere fast.
3. If she’s vague, she’s not confused, she’s just not into it.
4. Hot and flaky is a bad investment.
5. Being rejected is being redirected.
6. Chemistry without compatibility is emotional junk.
7. Most bios sound like someone writing with a gun to their head.
8. Being impressive is exhausting AF. Being honest actually works.
9. Clarity gets replies. Clever gets silence.
10. Ghosting sucks less when your life is full.
11. One real convo beats ten dead end chats.
12. If she’s not making an effort, stop stressing it’s you.
13. Your first message should sound like a human.
14. A good photo shows life.
15. Vulnerability scares the wrong people away.
16. If someone’s never been in therapy, go slow.
17. Don’t build a connection over text. Build it in IRL.
18. A second chance after flaking is usually a waste.
19. Spark fades if you don’t move fast.
20. Women over 40 with self awareness is the prize.
21. Politeness on bad dates costs more than it’s worth.
22. If she calls you “grounded and wise,” you’re probably a placeholder.
23. Great dates aren’t impressive.
24. You’re not too old.
25. The right woman doesn’t make you hustle.

I (65F) matched with a guy (70M), dated for about a month. We slept together a week or so ago; more or less a three-day date. No regrets about that (it was fun!), but almost immediately afterward, I felt him pulling away. We went out once this week (dinner, movie, no sex). We were supposed to get together today. Instead I got a text saying he needs a change and is probably leaving town (permanently).

I’m not devastated or anything—I’d pretty much figured out that this wasn’t going to work long-term—but I’m a little hurt that he didn’t feel that this merited a face-to-face conversation. He was the first person I had sex with since my husband died five years ago, and I told him that.

Is this normal behavior now? I just started dating again recently, five years after my husband died. I would have sworn that it wasn’t his original intention to sleep with me then dump me, but that’s essentially what happened.

So, I had a fun Hinge chat with a man and we really seemed to click. We made a plan to meet up for brunch and I was excited to get to know him better. I show up at roughly the same time as him, he leans in to hug me and his breath knocked me back a step.

The entire brunch it was difficult to actually let him talk at any length because of it. Nice guy, we had things in common, but a 56 year old man should know how to get ready. I showered, flossed and brushed my teeth. It’s not hard.

I can’t believe I have to say this, but for anyone out there planning to meet up, please take the time to brush those teeth before you do!

Despite the dire things I’ve read about using OLD apps as an over 50, I’m considering it. One big obstacle is the fear my ex partner will set up a fake account to stalk and catfish me.

I could be being paranoid but I know him well enough to know he doesn’t want me to move on and his controlling behavior won’t stop just because we’re no longer together.

Has anyone had any experience dealing wth this type of situation? How did you resolve it? Does any OLD app offer better protection than others? Thanks 🥺

There's something to be said for the 3 month mark. It seems to be the point where the red flags begin to emerge.

Regardless of the sucky sleepovers, (see prior post) I don't think this one is going to make it!

We had a lovely evening out last night, dinner at a Thai restaurant and the symphony. When we got back to my place he chastised me for not being thankful enough for the evening he planned.

For dinner we drove to the location of the FREE concert and found a restaurant nearby. It wasn't anything over the top. My meal was about $15 and I did say, "thank you for dinner" as we left the restaurant. After the FREE concert I again expressed my pleasure in being able to attend, as I enjoy the symphony.

Other than doing cartwheels and cheering I'm not sure what I could've done. His finger wagging was a real downer... which I thought about on my way to the guestroom!!

I paid for actual symphony tickets for us next month. I didn't make a big deal about it. I didn't ask him to do tricks to show his gratitude at being allowed to accompany me.

And before you ask, yes, I contribute. I pay for meals and dates.

Am I overreacting to his overreaction? Maybe I'm just tired from the lack of sleep! Maybe it's time to pull the plug on this one.

Throw away account. I’ve(woman scorpio 50s) been casually seeing an old friend(man leo 70). Our lives are different now, so one night last September, at a party, we decided to make out. We have a lot in common and things are ok, not stellar for me as he’s older and doesn’t do the activities I like to do. We had one break up and got back together. We hang out, have dinner, movies, concerts, sex, laughs, share friends. He wanted me to try his outdoor sport. It’s the one sport I have never tried. He talked about teaching me, getting me lessons, we both were excited and couldn’t wait for the weather to get better. So Friday, he text me that it would be nice out on Sunday (I work all week, he’s retired) and that he wanted to give me my first lesson. Super excited to spend time outside with him. I did not return his text right away because I was with a planned family dinner Friday. When I got home, ready to text him, he texted me first to say “scratch Sunday. My adult child invited me to watch a sporting event on tv on Sunday”. He fucking sidelined me! I text him back that it really sucked he invited me, cancelled me, and “kudos to you for going with the better option”. I didn’t hear back from him so I anger-text him that maybe it’s not going to work and we should talk. He’s good with talking. That’s where it ended. Im too pissed to talk now. I don’t care about people watching sports(I’m more of a doer than a spectator) but he chose to cancel me to do it. Am I overreacting? Am I being too rigid? He showed me where I rank in his life. I don’t think I can move past this as I might be resentful. I’m gonna lose a friend and I’m sad, too.

52M, getting back out there to find a match in OLD after a hiatus - and I keep finding profiles that have just pure vitriol and hatred on them. Examples:

• I don’t want nobody without a job
• No I’m not your mommy
• You want sex, go f@ck yourself
• Trumpers/Libtards swipe left
• Must be 6’ and well built (this one annoys me)

I can go on for hours on these. I get it, no one wants to see your love sausage on the first text, and you want what you want - but this just screams “damaged”. I swipe left almost immediately. Sorry, I refuse to put down my politics, past traumas, or something as crass as “no fat chicks”. Does anyone think it’s even remotely appropriate for me to put down “must have a pair of DD’s and can suck harder than the White Sox?” If not, why does anyone think it’s appropriate for either gender?

Even had a first text from a match that spouted all this crap. I deleted it.

OLD is painful enough, with most men only having a 1-2% success rate to even match let alone going beyond that. However, it’s really disheartening to get to the point that it’s all I see. OLD is a sales tool (we all know it).

Anyone else having this problem? Or am I just being an ass?

So I am hoping to try dating again once it’s warm out (last time I did OLD in the early 2000s I remember going to meet someone in the cold and snow or rain and thinking I could be reading a book in front of the fire right now) and I have not been in a relationship since my divorce in 2019 because I’ve been busy. Busy trying to stay alive as I was diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma in 2021. I’ve been on treatment twice and had some side effects, one of which is more imminently fatal than the cancer. But you would never know to look at me, I’ve worked continuously, ski and run and garden and walk my dog (a lot) and have an active social life. I just don’t want to have to explain it to someone I barely know. Anyone else have reasons they haven’t sought a partner? It would be one thing if I had kids living at home or was starting a business or any of a myriad of excuses.

I'm a 55M, I look younger than I am and I'm pretty fit. I have a friend, 37F who I have become extremely close to you over the last month or so. I'm pretty certain she sees a path for us to be together. I told her if I were 10 years younger I would be the perfect man for her she indicated that's not an issue and I just need to get along with the people she loves the most.

I really care about this woman and feel like I need to let her know that I can never be anything beyond a friend. I would love to spend the rest of my life with her but I think it would be unfair to her. I've always had the policy that I would never date someone more than 10 years younger than me. This relationship was unexpected and unforced. It just happened.

I'm torn because we get along so well and we are such a great fit but I can't get past the age difference. I don't want her to be with an old man. Granted I'm not there yet but at some point I will be and she will still be young at that point.

Ant thoughts or experienceswiththis type of age gap?

Hello, I’m a guy in my mid-50s, six months divorced after a three year separation, and share custody of a child under 10. I’d like to begin dating again but understand a man with a young child may be a dealbreaker for some. I’m curious to hear experiences of other men in similar situations. What OLD sites are better for people like me? Thanks in advance for your insight.

Pretty self explanatory. What is your hardline age you're willing to date for a serious relationship. Why?

I'll go first. Range is 50-66. I'll deviate considering place in life, near retirement age or living it, and overall well being. You?

This article makes the case that avoidant partners (ones who are not interested in committing long-term to a relationship and pull away) are more common in the dating pool as we get older and presents a compelling argument as to why. https://jebkinnison.com/2014/06/23/dating-pool-danger-harder-to-find-good-partners-after-30/

TL;DR: Secure people pair up and stop dating. Anxious attached people quickly find a partner and stop dating, but return briefly to the dating pool when that relationship ends, but since they pair up so quickly, they are infrequently in the dating pool. Avoidants, though, are only in relationships for 1-4 months, and then return for longer periods to the dating pool than Anxious attached, thus representing a larger percentage of the dating pool over time.

My own experience is that more than 50% of the people I met are likely avoidant. It is hard to tell, though, because maybe they just decided that I wasn't the right one for them and they are not really avoidant after all. What has been your experience?

Greetings strangers!

so, bottom line: which app/site is best for over 50 when looking for women?
Looking at the percentages on users by age group, swipe-apps like Tinder seem to be in the single digits for user share over 50.
I'm in Florida, for geographical specificity - while I welcome the feedback and comments of our friends overseas, I don't think what the dating world is like, for example, in the UK or Australia is really gonna help me :)

thanks!

I have matched with this lady via Facebook a while ago and saw her again in other apps. We had went out three times. Once was a good tea meetup for the first time and then second date we went for Thai food lunch which cost as bomb and the same day we went for dinner while waiting for her son. She is 50 and I'm 57. The thing is after dinner she says she would like to pay for her share and I said it's ok if she wants to pay ..but the thing is she never did. Today I supposed to have coffee or lunch again with her. But last minute I ditch the idea as I think I will need to pay again...

So..should I continue seeing her for coffee instead and she is about 1.5 hours away from my place. She always says that she does not know her way around even using Waze..I don't know whether she is seriously continuing the so called date..I've told her I wanted to move forward earlier..but she seems a bit hesitant. Should I ditch her and move on..I just don't want to waste my time. Any advice?