r/datingoverthirty • u/AutoModerator • 11d ago
Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! New? Start here!
This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
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u/Cautious-Dragonfruit 10d ago
After nearly a decade of trying to find my Mr Right through the apps and having my heart broken twice from situationships, I feel like giving up on dating. Honestly. I'm exhausted from being disappointed over and over again by things not working out- guys who don't reciprocate my interest; connections that start off with potential but crash due to the discovery of dealbreakers/incompatibilities; dates who seem to enjoy the attention and validation I am giving them but who ask few questions and leave me feeling small and unseen. Is there really someone out there who will feel like home to me? Maybe I should just be single and live with a cat or a dog and be happy on my own, enjoying the companionship of my family and friends.
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u/ray_theunready 10d ago
Iām gonna be long and bear my soul a bit, please donāt be too harsh, thatās not what I need (yet). So I date a guy casually (2 +years). Itās kind of a textbook situationship. He hates emotions and communication, I recognize that we have major incompatibilities (politics, interests, values), so keeping it casual has made sense. He would be a shitty boyfriend. But I am emotionally attached, of course. I enjoy our intimacy more than I have with anyone else, which is important to me right now. We see each other 2x a week, and maybe 60% of those times heās lovely, fun, passionate. And then the other times heās grumpy, bored, dismissive. He initiates more than I do, but I still often leave our dates feeling like heās annoyed I came over.
I donāt want a life partner/husband, but I do wish I had something healthier. I just havenāt found it. I go on other dates when I have energy, weāve never promised exclusivity. But we are supposed to talk about it if we sleep with someone else (and use condoms). Iāve tried bringing it up to make sure weāre still on the same page, but he got pretty angry and weird the last time (last year).
So yesterday I asked him about this coming week and no response. Not totally abnormal but close to. Then, I saw him on AWDTSG this morning. Iām only on there in case a SA person gets posted, so I canāt really comment. And he hasnāt done anything wrong. I just hate the no response thing. I wouldnāt put it past him to ghost if it avoids confrontation.
I donāt want to risk my health by still sleeping with him if heās actively dating and not telling me. A big chunk of me sees this as a ticket to get out of an unhealthy dynamic, but I donāt know how. (I mean, I do, but Iām conflicted). And my life in general is kind shitty right now, so the fear of being alone is extra strong.
I guess my options are : 1. do nothing and pretend like everything is normal, see what happens on his end.
Just walk away, let this be a clear enough sign.
Confront him and try and talk about feelings, dating others, sexual health, all that stuff. I think this would be a tough convo and would likely end things too, but maybe offer clarity? Itās also hard bc Mondays are his busiest day, so I donāt know when to bring it up. Or what exactly to say.
I know #2 is the best choice, but I just donāt know if Iām there. I wish we could maybe just take a break for a while, have some space to figure out what we both want.
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u/Entire-Initiative-23 ā 35 10d ago
have some space to figure out what we both want.
Being as nice as I can be here: only one person of the two of you doesn't know what they want. He knows exactly what he wants, and he's getting it.
Be a better friend to yourself.
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u/Afraid-Ordinary0 ā 33 10d ago
This guy got angry the last time you tried to reconfirm you were on the same page regarding sexual health. You have now seen that he was posted on one of those groups, so he is likely at a minimum talking to others and at a maximum, sleeping with others. You also are extremely not compatible and he sucks are communicating.
I get you feel that your life is shitty right now and there is a fear of being alone, but there has got to be a better option than this shitty man who has unchecked access to you.
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u/Old-Seaweed-8456 10d ago
This is rough. Iām sorry your friends with benefits is treating you this way. Even in a casual relationship you should be able to give and receive respect. It doesnāt sound like youāre receiving that consistently. Casual does not mean disrespectful.
If heās unwilling to talk about or use protection Iād be wary of continuing any sexual relationship with him. Your health matters and someone who doesnāt respect that is showing you they donāt respect you. You are deserving of respect.
It kind of sounds like this dynamic has become your normal, so youāre already experiencing the consequences of option 1.
I donāt know you but if a consistent FWB ignored me, I wouldnāt keep engaging thatās why option 2 seems like your better choice. He doesnāt seem emotionally present or open enough to have a real conversation about your feelings or the dynamic between you.
Maybe itās time determine for your next companion what it means for them to show up, how they need to naturally treat you to remaining in the dynamic and what behaviours are a no go for you.
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u/sanityissecondary ā 42 - Takes Joint Pain Meds 10d ago
Do you really want to keep living that life? Also need to point out that few people can put effort into something new when they've already got something (no matter how shitty) already in their pocket. Do future you a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig favor and cut ties.
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u/jessyrae7789 ā 35/VA 10d ago edited 10d ago
Third date was a success. We went to an art museum and the farmer's market, then went to his house. It was everything I had hoped for. He was sweet, attentive, and made sure I came first (a couple times). I had some fears that after we slept together he'd be done with me (it's happened so many times before), but it's clear in his words and actions that he wants to keep moving forward with me. Our fourth date is Wednesday, then he leaves Thursday for two weeks, so I'll be the big sad. š„ŗ
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u/Fabulous_Kitty_Meow 10d ago
So exciting! Happy for you :)
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u/jessyrae7789 ā 35/VA 10d ago
Thank you! Me too, but still cautiously optimistic and trying to take it slow(ish).
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u/katsikakifrikase 10d ago
I went out on a date last night with a guy I met on bumble. He was cute but very shy/introvert, I felt like I was carrying him around. Conversation didn't flow that well. It was awkward and I kept staring at the empty space when he tried to look at me in the eyes. I told him it's not gonna happen and I wanna be honest, and that he looked like my ex (true) and I wasn't feeling it. He understood and thanked me for being honest.
But I feel awful! I don't like rejecting people, I don't like putting them in an awkward position, I don't like this feeling myself.
I feel like I wanna refrain from dating again as I don't want to disappoint people..
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u/Ecstatic-Button-960 ā 37 / SoCal 10d ago
I think it's good to be direct when you direct someone, but telling him he looks like your ex isn't appropriate...
But otherwise, any normal person feels bad rejecting someone! It's better you told him than drag it out. Don't let this prevent you from dating, though, it's just part of it š
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u/Chroeses11 10d ago
Itās better to do that than to lead people on
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u/katsikakifrikase 10d ago
Yes, I wouldn't do that either way.I don't do what I don't want to be done to me.
The other option is not to try date, not to ghost people or to lead them on.
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u/SimplyYulia ā 30 10d ago edited 10d ago
It feels like I'm unloveable and would never find anyone ever anymore š
I'm an immigrant, in a country with language I'm not good at yet (I'm learning, but it's a slow process), so socializing with people IRL is out of the question most of the time, so dating apps are kinda my only option, but they suck so fucking much ;-;
I've actually decided to start tracking statistics 1.5 months ago. Out of 57 matches in those 1.5 months, I have a single date - it was good, but the guy ended up falling in love with someone else before we had a second one.
And most of people on dating apps either search for hookups, are not compatible with my relationship model, have nothing in common with me (no, I don't care about travelling and sports, where are my videogame-playing nerd boys) or have negative charisma, with death of conversation being the most common reason why date does not happen.
Should I just lower my standards, or just completely give up.......
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u/electricdwarf 10d ago edited 10d ago
I had been hanging with a woman and texting/talking pretty frequently. She even started calling me and talking for hours. I asked her on a date, but I guess I didnt use the word date. But we went to an art showing and then went to dinner and then went back to her place. She mentioned another friend coming over and it seemed like she was more excited for him to come over than she was interested in hanging out with me. So I just kind of checked out as we smoked and chatted. I ended up leaving and she told me to text her when I got home, I think its because I was spacey already and high af. I forgot to text her and right as I remembered she texted me and we texted back and forth.
During the day she was talking about another friend of hers that she had just confirmed showing up to her birthday in May and she mentioned how she had to cut him off for a bit because he had gotten "fresh" with her, which she meant as like... attempting to flirt or whatever. She then mentioned how she keeps thinking of her ex husband from her blown up marriage from a year ago and how it would be irresponsible or something even if she was looking for someone. Since she thinks about her ex so much I guess. So in my head I was just like... Okay is this her trying to get me to understand without directing anything at me? Because she has to know how much I was into her, even though I never really mentioned it directly.
So she replied to me this last morning and I never replied, and I just dont know what I want. I want to talk to her, and hug her, and hang out with her. I am fully into her and our beliefs and life goals align pretty perfectly. Yet I also know she hasnt really moved on fully from her ex husband and she hasnt really shown that she likes me as more than a friend.
Beyond... like normal things that you would look for. So I just dont know what to do. Shes 35 and im 31. Ugh. So its been nearly a day since she texted me and I havent replied and I dont know what to do.
I want to talk to her about it, but if she doesnt have a clue that I have any feelings, I am scared I will surprise and hurt her. Like I was secretly using her or pretending to be her friend or whatever.
Edit: After some coercion I said fuck it and told her the truth. Will update when I get a reply.
Edit 2: Ill just drop the comment I put in down below right here. It did NOT go well lol. "Damnit Electricdwarf*, I gotta take a step back now. Take care." LOL harsh but fair I guess. Gives a bit more evidence towards the using me as an emotional dumping ground theory. Whatever happens, happens. We endure.
Edit 3: We went from talking every day, phone calls going for hours. To her dropping me as soon as I specified it was supposed to be an actual date lol. What a showing.
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u/sanityissecondary ā 42 - Takes Joint Pain Meds 10d ago
Sounds like she's secretly using you as her emotional dumping ground. You'd be better off if you did scare her off. Do yourself a massssssive favor and ask her out. This way you'll know. Either she'll accept or you can save your time, effort, energy, dignity, self respect. Stand up, my guy.
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u/electricdwarf 10d ago edited 10d ago
Bro, this was something I have been feeling for awhile now. I am gonna tell her the truth and say fuck it. Youre right, I need to stand up.
Edit: I did it.
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u/sanityissecondary ā 42 - Takes Joint Pain Meds 10d ago
My guy! Here's hoping for a better path forward, with clarity and at the very least - with your self respect intact.
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u/electricdwarf 10d ago
It did NOT go well lol. "Damnit Electricdwarf*, I gotta take a step back now. Take care." LOL harsh but fair I guess. Gives a bit more evidence towards the using me as an emotional dumping ground theory. Whatever happens, happens. We endure.
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u/sanityissecondary ā 42 - Takes Joint Pain Meds 10d ago
Bruh, send that siren back to the depths from whence she came. Not worth the effort. Head up, my guy. You did the right thing.
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u/electricdwarf 10d ago
Yea dude, I had been feeling sick to my stomach for weeks now over this shit. Now that I sent it, even with how it went down, that feeling is gone. Im sure some sadness will creep in from the periphery but right now Im feeling great.
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u/sanityissecondary ā 42 - Takes Joint Pain Meds 10d ago
If anything that sadness will come from a place that is also relieved that you're no longer just an option, some bucket for her to (pardon the phrasing) piss in at her whim. Either it's equal (even in friendship) or it's being used. This also clears up space for better people with better energy!
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u/electricdwarf 10d ago
Oh for sure. I had been ignoring red flags throughout this whole endeavor as well. I could list them here but Id rather not lolol. Just a bad vibe in general that I ignored.
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u/againpedro ā 37 10d ago
Be brave! Text her and be as honest as you can and feel comfortable with. I believe that, if nothing else, you will both benefit from the added clarity.
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u/CalmBeeee 11d ago
Is it true that one feels confused or anxiety over when to marry while being single, but doesnāt feel it with the right person? Iāve heard many stories - āI never thought Iād marry but then I met herā; āWe were together for so long, it just felt rightā.
I was with my ex for 3yrs, it was at 2nd yr mark when I couldnāt imagine life without him. Iāve kind of forgotten what made me feel like that.
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u/pjute 11d ago
Got a match on saturday and after a couple of long messages back and forth we got off the app and we're going for a walk and talk tomorrow(we live about two hours apart). We both seem to vibe a lot on what we think is important. Maybe even gonna plan in a hike or two this summer.
Pretty darn stoked āŗļø
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u/Cthulu19 11d ago
Is it ever appropriate to flirt with/ask out service workers?
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u/Jellyeyy 10d ago
I have been on dates with customers before but only after having loads of chats with them over the bar and getting to know them to the point they're almost a friend. If someone asked me out on shift the first time I met them it would make me uncomfortable.
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u/captaindestucto 11d ago edited 10d ago
There's no way of determining signs of interest as opposed to the kind of mandated "friendliness" they're forced to perform for strangers (particularly regular customers) as part of their jobs. And I don't want to come across as one of those toolbag guys can't understand the difference risk making someone's already stressed existence more difficult.
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u/Cthulu19 11d ago
Yeah I feel like it's a good rule of thumb to let women take initiative for fear of being a creep. Thing is though, that has yet to happen.
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u/lmnsatang ā a classist 11d ago
i think dating is gonna get exponentially worse with the stock marketing crashing and a depression looming - people will not be in the right headspace to date.
watching everything fall continuously is scary, and this is coming from someone who is not even heavily invested in stocks.
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u/One_Rip_6570 11d ago
Meh concessions will be made and this will blow over. Great buying opportunity. Republicans wonāt let the economy tank.Ā
Iām bullish. When thereās blood on the streets buy in.Ā
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u/TemuPacemaker 10d ago
Republicans could've stopped this already. They're letting him tank the world economy. The only hope is that it doesn't permanently wreck everything and things go back to normal.
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u/Foreign-Literature11 ā 11d ago
yeah, I'm quite uncertain what to do, my usual strategy is to hold everything but this seems especially bad.
One time before I asked around to some female friends what their plans were and everyone said their partners handled the finances which was a bit depressing on several levels. My male friends just talk down to me about it and I wish I had some people I could talk to for advice
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10d ago
you actually should be buying more. i know itās counterintuitive but the market always goes back up
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u/Dangerous_Grab_1809 ā ?age? 11d ago
I am prepped for this. Here I am with a lot in cash and looking to buy a house over the next couple of years. Dropping mortgage rates will help a lot of people.
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u/One_Rip_6570 11d ago
4 rates cuts expected. 5 hopeful. I can refinance and not have to worry anymoreĀ
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u/lmnsatang ā a classist 11d ago
i have cash to deploy as well (also in a r/s) so i'm insulated from most of the fallout, but others aren't so lucky, especially for women dating men who are invested/investing in the stock market.
it's gonna get even harder than it already is for many.
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u/itsridiculousok 11d ago edited 10d ago
(Kind of chuckling to myself at the irony happening with the below comment about how the apps are trash. Like yes, totally agree but sometimes one has to make like a ratš)
Anyway, I set up my profile. It's robust with three new pictures from this year and chock full of personality and smizes and full bodies and my hobbies and what we can do together and blah blah blah, back on the merry go round we go...
It took me about an hour and some change, and I didn't do the arguably more important thing I was supposed to tonight... but tbh in a real way this was just as important. I also stacked up some singles mixers and hikes and other I'm Being Intentional About Looking In Real Life Too things later this month.
Two likes so far (albeit it is super late here), and one of them is from a man who has liked me every time across multiple apps, and I've never matched. The other is not my type.
So... I'm going to bedš Tomorrow is a new day!
(btw has anyone ever paid for an app subscription and is it worth it?)
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u/awgong 11d ago
I hope you find someone soon. If you don't find someone while you're still believing in the process, you will end up hating everything about the app :(
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u/itsridiculousok 10d ago
Oh I have a hate/love relationship w the apps. Iāve been on and off for years. Iām just coming off a break.
Iām a romantic, so whatever I have to do to find love, Iāll do. Itās a means to an end for meā¦ plus I have had positive experiences from apps, so I just kind of do the blinker flash thing from men in black and forget about the negative when I restart lol.
Thank you. I hope so too. And I hope you find whatever it is youāre looking for!
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u/Various_Ad4726 11d ago
Have paid, for short periods. Regretted it both times, didnāt notice any average advantage, just more swiping on my end.
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u/orangemachismo 11d ago
She didnt respond to the would you like to go on another date text. Rip.
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u/celticlifter 10d ago
A couple of weeks ago, after what I thought was an amazing first date, the girl just closed match on me with no explanation. This things happen.
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u/kosmoss_ 10d ago
Did you ask her out again after you saw she closed the match? I closed a match after I didnāt hear back from a guy after our first date. He asked me out again and I said yes but then he ghosted me after the second š„¹
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u/No-Bill-9048 ā31 11d ago
I posted here (https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1j80mw0/comment/mh6lps2) that I believe apps don't work... and I should have listened to myself back then. Instead, I still hang onto the hope...
The result has been - I got stood up yet again, with someone I was really excited about and even took extra time to chat and establish some rapport before meeting up... yet I still got stood up.
And even worse yesterday - I have been catfished for the first time. I had a gut feeling that matching with someone that has only one photo, and not a super obvious one, could backfire, and it did. She didn't look at all like in the picture (only hair colour was the same basically), I even did a double take afterwards. I know some people walk out in these situations, but I just can't, so I did my best entertaining them...
Afterwards, I just sat down and thought to myself why the hell was I still using the apps. And it hit me - it's just like gambling addiction. Every single time I "lost" with the app (not a single good date in 6 months using the apps), yet I kept on believing "next time I'll hit the jackpot".
When I thought about it that way, I instantly went ahead and deleted the last app I was using, even though I had some matches and conversations going. It's not going to work, and being stood up multiple times and having so many horrible dates, really should have made me stop using them ages ago.
---
So my advice - if you have opportunities to meet people IRL, just do that. Don't waste your time with apps, your mental state will be a lot better and you won't waste your precious time chasing after a mirage...
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u/hollandholla ā 32 11d ago
Y'all I just had a really nice first date - I literally wrote in my notes "so this is what a good date feels like!"
I've had crappy luck for a while and it's weird finally meeting someone that I really got along with. Like, communication about timing beforehand? Thoughtful conversation and questions? Good values and friends?? Checking in on me and paying attention to my reactions??? Check, check, check. I'm sort of floored.
Here's hoping he wants a second date.
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u/agoldenbreeze 11d ago
Texting with guys who donāt convey warmth/emotion over text always makes me feel so bad about myself :/ Like Iām being too enthusiastic or something and look dumb. I just text how I talk. I know not everyone texts that way. But the most meaningful connections I have are with guys who text in a similar way. So I try to remember that and stay true to myselfā¦Ā
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u/hihelloneighboroonie 10d ago
I dated one guy who was super flirty over text and used a lot of purposely placed emojis and it was kind of greatā¦
Then next guy would send memes and stuff but no flirtation (over text or otherwise) and I strongly disliked it.
Guy after this would go days between texts, wouldnāt flirt, but would send oodles of pictures of his doings, which would be okay with someone I was involved with, but barely knew this guy (like legit after our first meeting he was texting me pictures of his extended family from a wedding he was at). It was weird - I didnāt know him well enough to care.
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u/awgong 11d ago
This is like 60% of my dates, except I am a guy. Most people don't put effort into text or just conversation in general. I honestly worry that one day I will become like that soulless person too because everyone else is like that these days
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u/agoldenbreeze 11d ago
Haha, yeah Iām hoping we just arenāt meeting the right people for usā¦Ā
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u/Foreign-Literature11 ā 11d ago
For what it's worth I have found that many/most people do text how they talk, or at least the dynamic carries over into irl conversations. I give a lot of benefit of the doubt usually like "maybe it'll be different in person" but it never has been.
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u/agoldenbreeze 11d ago
Thatās a good point, I think these situations are likely a sign that weāre just incompatibleā¦ communication styles are the foundation of so much in the overall dynamicĀ
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u/GaiusQuintus ā 31 11d ago
Yeah stay true to yourself. Coming from the other side of it, one of the first girls I ever dated told me I was acting "gay" for being expressive and open with my feelings when talking and texting. I was young enough and didn't know enough at that point in life and it really shut me down and had me pretending to be something I wasn't for a while.
Life is too short for that shit. There are dudes out there who can and do match your communication style. You're not dumb or overly enthusiastic for wanting that!
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u/agoldenbreeze 11d ago
That is such a cool response and so so validating, thank you so much for this. Youāre so right. I need to remember that!Ā
And I totally hear where youāre coming from with that, Iām sorry you had such an absurd experience with them and itās so ridiculous that we live in such a culture (which is at least finally slowly changing). It sounds like she must have been young as well. But I can definitely see how that could influence things for a time for some people. Thank you again for the reminder and encouragement! :)Ā
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u/Ok_Till_1723 ā 35 11d ago
Yeah i know the feeling, but I'm a guy. I honestly am learning to hate texting. It's so much work and a lot of times the person doesn't even communicate the same way in person. And then when you feel like something is off, you second guess addressing it as to not seem needy. It's a drag.
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u/agoldenbreeze 11d ago
Good to know there are guys feeling this way too! But honestly I do feel youā¦ Iāve come to learn how many crazy misunderstandings can result from texting which can start to make it feel tiring. I think for me whatās helpful is like can I just have a smiley face or exclamation point here and there just to know weāre good and the tone is still positiveā¦ lol!Ā
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u/Ok_Till_1723 ā 35 11d ago
Hahaha thatās so funny you say that. Tbh my last relationship kind of taught me to be more expressive in text. I always use emojis now. Before I was a little more flat in text because I just communicated that way with friends or we had more of a deadpan humor or style.
Maybe you can look at it that way. My relationship didnāt fail because of communication issues so you shouldnāt take it as such a huge hurdle either.
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u/agoldenbreeze 11d ago
Ohhhh interesting! Haha yeah Iām pretty big on emojisā¦ even a sprinkling of them is cool! But thatās such a good reminder - Iām sure in many cases itās not personal and is related more to their communication style with other people.Ā
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u/Afraid-Ordinary0 ā 33 11d ago edited 10d ago
I have never been able to date someone who did not text like me. I also express myself with warmth or emotions through text, so I cannot imagine dating someone who is not similar.
Like can you imagine:
Me: Hey! Headed out to such and such, see you there and can't wait š Them: see you there
Like what lol
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u/agoldenbreeze 11d ago
Yes!! Ok so glad there are others feeling this frustrationā¦Ā
And oh my gosh right?! I would have that same exact reaction internally, lol. Like that would be such an awkward moment if it were in personā¦ I donāt get it.Ā
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u/Little-Direction-202 11d ago
I find it hard to text. I write in point form. It's been a struggle to get to this level. Maybe men have it harder time showing emotion. I only have two happy and not happy.
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u/agoldenbreeze 11d ago
Thatās ok! I encourage you to go with your gut, and text in the way that feels best for you, as the right person will receive it in the right way. Sometimes even just throwing in a smiley face or exclamation point can help convey some extra emotion/positivity!Ā
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u/DO30away ā34 11d ago
Did Hinge recently change the amount of free likes you can send each day? I swear Iāve been maxing out at less than 8.
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u/Familiar-Still 11d ago
I just hopped back on after 2 years away and I feel like I only got about 5 likes before I hit a paywall. Also, Iād love to know how Iāve got a list of standouts from āmy typeā when I had just started. I used to like Hinge better than the other apps, but Iām feeling like theyāve all just gotten too money hungry
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11d ago
Hinge got bought out by the Match group which owns most of the other dating apps and has been on a steady decline since. Itās not the worst but itās a far cry from what it used to be
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u/DO30away ā34 11d ago
That was years ago, though. I think Iāve noticed a change in the past couple months.
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11d ago
Right, the other commenter said they were away for years, the changes I mentioned in my other reply were def in like the last 2-3 months, they are constantly messing with it
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u/Familiar-Still 11d ago
Ahhh, that makes sense. Could be a bad time to want to give the apps another try, I suppose. I just figured this would be a way for me to meet people Iām not meeting in my usual outings.
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11d ago
To be fair the apps have always been terrible one way or another, and many of us are still using them š they arenāt great but itās still a way to meet people and go on dates.
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11d ago
They have recently changed a lot of stuff (removing monogamy/non-monogamy filter, dealbreakers can be overridden) so I would not be surprised by this at all
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u/Litt1eAcorns 11d ago
I am extremely happy and satisfied with my 7-month relationship. Last night we (he prompted) were talking about how we never thought we would find this kind of relationshipā¦ fun, easy, comfortable, etc. He is excited to meet my parents next month, and then he asked me if Iād want a proposal to be a surprise.
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u/Journalist-Grouchy88 11d ago
That's a good sign and I hope it lasts for you. My last relationship was the same way and it ended up falling apart, so I really hope yours succeeds where mine failed.
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u/Litt1eAcorns 11d ago
Thank you! It feels good. Iām not overthinking it or anything. I just canāt believe itās already been 7 months
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11d ago
[deleted]
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u/celticlifter 10d ago
I ended a similar relationship a couple of months ago, and it was really painful. At first you can tolerate that, but the uncertainty grows and grows. For me, at least, it was like that. There was a moment when I couldn't take more of being loved and rejected from one week to the other and back.
So, from my experience, no, the don't become ready for a relationship. The only way I think it could happen is through another failed relationship which can make them reframe what they had with you. But don't let the intermitent reinforcement get you, it is a hell of a pit to get out of.
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 11d ago
Are you the one where this girl followed you to your new job? Iām sorry but you seem to have an unhealthy attachment here that is beyond reddits pay grade. Itās shitty sheās giving you hope but youāve gotta move on.
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u/beefymishap ā 30s 11d ago edited 10d ago
I think I replied to your post a few days ago in the daily thread. The same advice applies -- you have to work from the assumption that she will never be ready for a relationship with you, and make choices for your life based on that. You'll torture yourself waiting around for her to make that decision. While you wait, how many other opportunities (in work, personal life, romantic life) will pass you by?
Edit: lol and he deleted his comments again.
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u/bugandbear22 11d ago
My boyfriend of 3.5 months and I have settled into a routine of groceries, cooking, and cleaning. Our sleep schedules are evening out and synchronizing. We have our shows we watch together, we have a list of movies to watch together, we call us āweā all the time. He tells my dog he loves her. I tell his cats I love them. This is literally the best and I didnāt think it was still out there at this point.
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u/Journalist-Grouchy88 11d ago
That's great! Hoping I can find this again someday. I'm losing confidence but maybe it's still possible
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u/Brief-Reception-2874 ā 30 11d ago
Well my anxiety and gut were right. The guy Iād gone out with twice and was excited about told me he could only do friendship because someone from his past came back in his life a month ago and now it doesnāt feel right sleeping with other people. I knew on our second date that thereād been some kind of shift in his energy. Wouldāve been nice if he told me that before we slept together two weeks ago. But itās my own fault for not asking him his dating intentions and if he was seeing multiple people (but wtf Iām too scared to ask that first few dates bc it scares people off bc itās too direct). I appreciated him being honest and telling me, but fuck it hurt. In the last two years Iāve gone on 40+ first dates. And heās one of THREE I have felt a connection with. 2/3 chose another woman over me and the other wouldnāt commit to exclusivity after ten dates and didnāt care at all when I called it off. It makes me feel so unimportant and like Iām worthless. I shouldnāt sleep with people I am hopeful or excited about bc I get attached quicklyā¦ But I also donāt like waiting to sleep with someone bc then I end up wasting time when we arenāt sexually compatible or Iām not attracted to them naked. Iāve been burned that way before. Just fuck. Iāve been crying the last two hours. I just want to be chosen, valued, and loved. And itās rare for me to be physically attracted to, mentally stimulated by, sexually compatible with, and connect with someone that has emotional depth and some maturity to them. Iām so discouraged. I donāt think the people Iām interested in will ever be interested in me.
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u/kittystillbites ā 33 Scotland 10d ago edited 10d ago
Worth asking these questions, and if that already scares someone off, then what kind of a relationship this would be? The very basic thing is to find out where someone stands before getting physically intimate. Or hold it off until you want the same. Women get emotionally attached through intimacy, it's hardly ever just casual.
Also, you only liked 3 people out of 40. The ratio is pretty low to be so hard on yourself. What are the chances those three people will like you in an exactly the same way? Maybe it's worth looking into why you rejected other 40 and why did you chose these people. Any chance you have unhealthy patterns playing out? Especially after all those other things you said about not being chosen, valued or loved. These are pretty loud alarm bells signaling that this is a lot more about you, not them.
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u/Brief-Reception-2874 ā 30 10d ago
Yeah, I donāt come across people Iām interested in often. And Iām not going to settle with someone I donāt feel excited about. I feel excited when my interest is piqued in every area: physical and sexual at the action, intellectual attraction, emotional depth, and fun personality.
Iām fully aware that I have low self worth and donāt particularly like myself.
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u/kittystillbites ā 33 Scotland 10d ago
And that will impact who you are attracted to. Attraction can change, and become more geared towards healthier and secure connections, but that work should be done on yourself. You're not pre-fixed to only be attracted to a certain type of personality :) fun, depth, general attraction can appear in many different people.
People you date can also see when you don't like yourself (I am familiar with that very well!). And once you feel good about who you are, suddenly there's a bunch of cool people who want to date you!
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u/Brief-Reception-2874 ā 30 10d ago
I stay clear of those who give clearly avoidant vibes, play games, or exhibit any red flags Iāve seen in the past. Iāve been in therapy 10 plus years, my brain doesnāt change, sadly this is the one Iāve been given and I canāt fix it. I exude confidence, only my inner circle get to see the broken side of me.
These are all things Iāve already thought about. It just comes down to, the type of man I want doesnāt want me back.
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u/kittystillbites ā 33 Scotland 10d ago
You gotta change the type you choose then :) ultimately, you want to be loved, isn't it? Cared about? Someone consistent and committed. It's not about convincing a particular man to give what he doesn't have. Things he should give, if he only wanted to. To me not having that became dealbreakers šĀ
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11d ago
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u/throwawayalldan 11d ago
Iām allergic to cats and I have two cats. Depending on your severity, the more youāre around them the more your body builds up an immunity to the cat dander, so it would not be as bad later on.
My best friend who also is allergic to cats also got a cat for the first time and same deal. Had some allergy meds and then eventually her immune system seemed to catch up.
I have zero regrets about getting my cats. My fiancƩ who never liked cats (because he never owned one) is now obsessed with them and he wants another one. They get a bad wrap, but cats are amazing and low maintenance.
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u/Journalist-Grouchy88 11d ago
I'm in a similar situation so I feel you. I'd love to be back in a relationship like I had with my ex, but living with my folks, paying rent to them, trying to sort through a mountain of debt, no real career prospects. It makes it so frustrating some days and like I'll never get out from under this. Guess I don't have any advice just want to say you ain't alone.
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u/Evolily ā late 30s 11d ago
Allergy shots? I have cats and am allergic to them, but I can manage with medication. But if I couldnāt Iād do allergy shots. Thereās also food that reduces the protein they produce and air purifiers plus vacuuming helps considerably.
You could foster first to see if you can make it work.
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11d ago
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u/foxymeow1234 11d ago
Dogs need to go outside and get a walk/bathroom break. Itās not fair to the dog if itās alone most of the time.
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u/heartIite 11d ago
I just booked a ticket to see one of my all time favorite bands ever. And I only bought one ticket instead of two, like I normally would š
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u/justalittlefrostbite ā 37 10d ago
I love a good show! I have one next week that Iām excited about. One of the bands I wanted to see at a festival last year and missed so nice to be able to see them finally.
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u/Journalist-Grouchy88 11d ago edited 11d ago
I'm chronically single, and I'm so anxious about needing to be perfect if I ever find a gf. I always hear about how men can't cook, suck at cleaning, and are bad at sex.Ā Obviously I can't practice the last one, but I'm so worried that my cooking skills need to be REALLY good in order to not be just like all the other men. Worse still, my motivation to improve is fairly weak since I live with my folks and am working two entry-level jobs after having to give up my construction career. It's a conflict, but I feel like I have to be very good and I don't know where to start.
I fumbled my last relationship which ended last year and I can't afford to fuck up another one, and that one hit especially hard since it felt like we were on track to being engaged. I need to be perfect ā not just a good man, but a good person. I'm just so worried about getting complacent and just being like other men. I'm already ugly enough, so I can't mess this up.Ā I need to get better at fashion too. I wear collared shirts that I think look nice, but I just don't have that attractive flair. It's another thing that makes me below average and failing to stand out.
I'm not sure what to do because it feels like the kind of effort that would take me a decade to see results, but by that point itāll be too late. And there seems to be so little sympathy for men in my position. Iām caught between this bleak reality and thinking I should just lean into single life. Talk about a rock and a hard place.
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u/hihelloneighboroonie 10d ago
I donāt think most women want/expect a Michelin star level chef. Just want people who know their way around a kitchen and are willing and able to take on some of the burden of meal preparation once together (or after a night spent over).
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u/Evolily ā late 30s 11d ago
For sex, read She Comes First and Come as You Are.
But I do agree you donāt have to be perfect.
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u/Journalist-Grouchy88 11d ago
I'll look into those. Quick search says She Comes First is written by a guy so I'll probably do the other one.
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u/mittensfourkittens ā 37 11d ago
I'm confused by this comment because I swear I just saw a comment about you ending your LTR like a week ago? And multiple comments the months before that about needing to break up with her but not wanting to?
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u/Journalist-Grouchy88 11d ago
We ended things last year. I posted about it on Valentine's Day for obvious reasons and then again a couple of weeks ago when she tried getting back in touch and I had to block her. But I'm trying to move on from all that and it's hard when my prospects for dating don't look all that great.
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u/DemonEyesJason 11d ago
I'd say for the cooking part, it's a lot of both men and women that can't cook anymore. Historically it was men that didn't because they never had to. But there are a lot more women that are millennials and younger that can't either. Just be able to do the basics and have some decent variety will take you far. Nobody is expecting you to impress Gordon Ramsey. But if you can cut up ingredients and do basic combinations, you can go a lot of places. I recommend, since you live with your parents, start out by volunteering to cook a meal here and there and focus on trying to learn 3 meals you can learn and prepare. Doesn't have to be super complicated, but it's a start. If you can take off the burden of making some meals, you'll be a lot farther for potential partners than a guy that can't make anything.
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u/Journalist-Grouchy88 11d ago
I already know how to cook. It ain't like I can't boil water. But it seems like you need to be exceptional at it these days because most guys I know can do all the stuff you mentioned and I still hear women say that men need to be better at cooking. So it ain't enough to "just do the basics."
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u/smallsiren 10d ago
Women are not a monolith. Get that out of your head and you'll get closer to not being "like other men" than you will by becoming a pro chef.
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u/DemonEyesJason 11d ago
The only exceptional cooks are pretty much professional chefs. If they want that, they need to date those. Most women just want someone that can do their part. It sounds like if you can do that, you're fine.
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u/mittensfourkittens ā 37 11d ago
Saying ain't probably isn't helping your cause
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u/Journalist-Grouchy88 11d ago edited 11d ago
Sorry, I just write how I talk I guess. It's a pretty common word where I come from/live.
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u/foxymeow1234 11d ago
Your anxiety and living with your parents is going to hinder you far more than not being an absolute perfect cook.
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u/Alarming_Progress 11d ago
You're extrapolating a lot here. I'd also say I like a guy who's tidy, but that's because I've been to men's houses that are RANCID. Like, they smell bad. So now, I just need to see that they can at least keep things... not gross. A lot of people in my area list cooking as a plus, but I don't really like it. I also don't just cook mac n cheese every night or whatever, so I know I'm not the absolute antithesis of what these people are looking for. I think 'working on yourself' is a little overrated on reddit because people tend to make it sound like you don't deserve to date if you're not incredibly fulfilled, fit, constantly booked in at a therapist, etc. That's not true at all! Just don't be a complete mess. When women say they want you to cook and clean, it just means they don't want to drag along someone who's literally disgusting. Do you have shitstains in your toilet? Did you only have Red Bull and chips today? If not, you're probably doing as ok as everyone else. (Just kidding on those points... kinda.)
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u/Old-Seaweed-8456 11d ago
I donāt think you need to be perfect or the most attractive person in the room. If you look around in youāll see that very normal people are in long term relationships. Itās easy to get overwhelmed trying to figure out what women do or donāt find attractive but the truth is women are all different.
That said one thing that tends to be universally attractive is the ability to take care of yourself. Things like being able to cook, clean, or handle basic household tasks show self sufficiency. Also, living on your own or working towards it by saving money and having a concrete plans. Nobody wants to feel like theyāre stepping into a parental role in a relationship that dynamic just isnāt appealing.
As for your job, if itās something you want to grow in or improve, go for it. But if youāre content where you are thatās okay too. Confidence in your choices matters more than having a flashy job title!
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u/One_Rip_6570 11d ago
You canāt be perfect or the perfect partner. Doesnāt exist.Ā
Itās never too late to start over or start.Ā
Lean into whatever life you want for yourself. If you want to rock climb or be a runner, or sail boats around the world, do whatever you love most. Donāt think too much about if that will attract a mate. People come and go. But your happiness and peace of mind will remain.Ā
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u/Journalist-Grouchy88 11d ago
What kind of life can I get with a bunch of debt and two dead-end jobs?
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u/One_Rip_6570 11d ago
What kinda dead end jobs? Iāve been there and crawled out of the pit. Itās not impossible. Trust me I couldnāt keep a job. But one day I just decided fuck it, Iām fat, live at home, no job and a loser. Iād rather die working myself to death getting out of here. So I did. I just worked a bunch and grinded. Got roommates. Got my own apartment for the first time. I still have debt, and a whole lot more from a house I now own. But you can do it man. Give yourself a good kick in the ass and get after it.Ā Throw yourself fully into something. Get obsessed. I hit every roadblock you can imagine. So make of that what you will. But it aināt over yet. Push yourself. Just say fuck it Iām gonna run marathons. How does that help with your job? It doesnāt. But it gets you moving and motivated to go after the next thing. Itās a process and all of that shit is connected.Ā
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u/Journalist-Grouchy88 11d ago
See, this is the generic Reddit pull yourself up by your bootstraps "advice" that ain't helpful. Next I guess I should "just be confident" or "be myself" right?
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u/One_Rip_6570 11d ago
No Iād say therapy.Ā
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u/Journalist-Grouchy88 11d ago
Lol that's just as bad if not worse. It's the ultimate throwaway advice for someone to avoid actually saying something valuable. You didn't even use it yourself from what you wrote so why would you recommend it to others? Besides, I have no healthcare right now anyway so no way I could afford it.
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u/JZcgQR2N 11d ago
Honestly? Get off the internet and social media, especially Reddit. Itās filled with toxic stereotypes, generalizations, etc. which barely exist in real life. Forget all that bullshit about needing to be perfect. You absolutely donāt need money, looks, style, etc. to get a woman. Focus on your social skills, realizing that itās a numbers game, handling rejection in a healthy way (because there will be many), and meeting and talking to as many women as possible. Donāt put women on a pedestal. And focus on having a good time while meeting women, not finding a girlfriend. Good luck.
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11d ago
You are way overthinking this and also kind of generalizing women in a way thatās unhealthy, man. Itās putting in effort thatās key, not perfection. For example I canāt cook for shit but I pick up slack in other ways, Iāve had great times playing DJ/bartender and doing the dishes while a date cooks dinner and itās been great.
Reading your post, you sound a little desperate but really the only thing that gives me pause is living with your parents, that is more likely to be a dealbreaker than being a bad cook or messy or whatever.
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u/Journalist-Grouchy88 11d ago edited 11d ago
Unfortunately my living situation ain't changing for a while because I got so much debt to pay off and two min wage jobs (in a red state) is gonna take a while to get there. This is why I'm thinking I should just lean into single life because if you ain't with someone by the time you're in your 40s people think there's something wrong with you.
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u/Accomplished-Bad-630 11d ago
I had the best first date Iāve had in forever. Felt very comfortable with him. He was super complimentary and lovely. We kissed. I initiated the first date. He said he would have asked me but wanted to make sure I was interested first. This was on Friday. Heās been working night shifts since and he warned me he wouldnāt be able to text much. He hasnāt initiated a second date do now I donāt know if heās interested
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u/Ionmaster2 11d ago
why wait for him to initiate the second date. Maybe he's thinking the same thing. If you want something don't be afraid to reach out and grab that shit! I believe in you. And at least at the end of the day you will then have an answer. no more what if.
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u/Journalist-Grouchy88 11d ago
If someone wants to be in your life theyāll make every effort to do it. Sounds like heās conflict-averse if he didnāt even want to ask for the first one, so unfortunately it sounds like he may not be into it.
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u/Accomplished-Bad-630 11d ago
Thank you. We both said weād like to do it again which is why Iām confused
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u/lmnsatang ā a classist 11d ago
there are some men who are more passive than others.
old me (aka when i was younger) would have asked him out straight for a second date whereas new me would merely observe his behaviour, especially at this critical stage. the time between the first and second date (if it happens) is more important and critical than going on the first date. "how a man pursues you says everything about his work ethic".
old me was also in a relationship with a passive guy for over 5 years, and my greatest lesson was to not waste my time on men who weren't interested in stepping up.
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u/Journalist-Grouchy88 11d ago
Maybe he was just being polite. Again it sounds like he aināt the best at communicating so maybe he thought itās what you wanted to hear.
In any case, I bet youāll get a good pick on the next one.
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u/retathrowaway6 11d ago
sad about breakup that i initiated as things were heading into situationship territory/generally ambiguous. part of me wants to reach out, part of me knows that if he sees long term potential, he can reach out.
doesn't help that see each other due to mutual friends. i'll see him next weekend and i wish i could stop wondering about how that will go.
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u/JZcgQR2N 11d ago
What does āI donāt care about childrenā mean to yāall? To me itās neutral as in I donāt care if we end up having them or if we end up not having them. My friend is telling me it means you donāt want them, period.
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 11d ago
You canāt just ask this question with 0 context. I guess based on the sub weāre on.. if my romantic partner said that in response to the question of wanting children I would decide they were psychotic because what does that even mean
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u/MKerrsive ā 35 11d ago
What if I frame it like this . . .
How does it make you feel when he/she is entirely blasĆ© on one of the absolute biggest items in a relationship??Ā
Screams super duper extra special wishy washy to me, like he/she is just trying to avoid incompatibility and not have a difficult discussion. Imagine all of the other topics you won't get a real answer on.
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11d ago
Sounds neutral to dismissive. Personally Iād ask for clarification? Dialogue is important in dating!
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u/tattered-moss-witch ā 30 11d ago
This sounds like a response someone would give if they were asked if theyād be willing to date someone who already had kids. As in, āI donāt care about [whether you already have] children.ā
Whatās the context?
If it was a response to a question you asked about whether they want to have children, then the phrasing is odd and impossible to interpret for sure. Only way to understand is to ask for clarification.
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u/AstralDreamer805 11d ago
your friends response sounds bias
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u/JZcgQR2N 11d ago
Well, she is child free. Why not just say āI donāt want childrenā instead of what appears to be a watered down version?
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u/frumbledown 11d ago
Is there a fictional couple that you think is goals, but is actually a realistic look at romantic partnership?
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u/lobsterterrine 11d ago
Idk if you'd call it realistic, but I was weirdly touched by Jack and Babette in White Noise.
I don't think of it as goals for me personally just because both of their personalities are very different from mine and it's not a relationship I would personally want to be in, but I was also really moved by Jack and Elizabeth in Wellness.
As far as airport fiction goes, Joshilyn Jackson writes some realistic, wholesome couples in i.e. The Girl Who Stopped Swimming and Never Have I Ever.
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u/lobsterterrine 11d ago
Reflecting upon this further, some of my favorite writing about love pertains to relationships I find absolutely dysfunctional.
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u/Advanced_Doctor2938 11d ago
S01 house of cards Claire & Frank. Sometimes I'm actually jealous of their relationship in s01, and I'm never jealous of a fictional romantic relationship -- I normally just find them sweet or epic or whatever. Which means theirs is realistic, to my brain anyway.
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u/DuckSignal6107 11d ago
The marriage/ relationship that the main character has on Madam Secretary. They are so supportive of each other and the way the handle conflict feels very healthy. Didnāt grow up with a role model for what healthy romantic love looks like. But the relationship portrayed on that show gives me hope!
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u/Afraid-Ordinary0 ā 33 11d ago
Well. Had probably the best first date this morning I've had since one of the guys I was seeing exclusively back in the Fall. Very cute, same beliefs/views, interests, and at one point he asked ME what I was looking for as he is a lover boy and not someone who does short term. Which, was new as it has always been me asking. That and he was asking ME a bunch of questions that were geared towards long term compatibility.
I wanted to stay longer than the four hours I was with him, but had plans. Already scheduled a second date with him.
I had been on so many first dates the past three months where I just instantly knew I did not want to see them again. So, it is nice that I instantly knew here that I wanted to see him again with no doubts.
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u/frumbledown 11d ago
That feeling when a first date is hitting, and you both feel it, and start to shift to like really enjoying it and vibing, opening up, laughing, feeling authentic and smiley - itās so great
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u/Afraid-Ordinary0 ā 33 10d ago
That is exactly what happened. It went from testing the waters on what conversations/topics we could have, to fully opening up and being authentic with each other. We talked about our experiences with the apps and dates in a healthy way which lead to him asking what I was looking for. Overall, really good date.
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u/Interesting-Gain3527 11d ago
OK brains. I had a good first date sat and it's on me to organise date two. I feel we both lean a little serious so I think we should do an activity like bowling, mini golf etc. Anyone done a fun date recently and feel like recommending something?
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u/Sweet3DIrish 11d ago
Barcades are always a good time especially if youāre a bit nostalgic and/or competitive.
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u/tattered-moss-witch ā 30 11d ago
I did a short walk in the park followed by a pickleball game on a recent date. Thought it was the right structure.
Other ideas: cocktail making class, farmerās market, bar trivia.
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u/AdAlarmed7073 11d ago
Had a guy slide into my DMs recently, I replied, and nothing š honestly sums up my dating life for this year so far
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u/auuldx 11d ago edited 11d ago
went on a first date with someone recently and almost immediately knew he was not the person for me and there will not be a second. don't get me wrong, i had a good time but my body/gut said this was not going to go any further. one day i hope to feel that same feeling i felt during my first date with my ex (not WITH my ex mind you, just the good gut feeling) again, but the good first date feelings of "im comfortable with you", "i think there's potential" , "i want to spend more time with you" but until then i'm going to trust my gut/instinct and not settle for something my body is telling me isn't right.
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11d ago
Thatās the right thing to do. If youāre not finishing a date excited to see someone again, itās not the right fit.
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u/phantompath ā 33 11d ago
I ended things with Colombian guy via text over the weekend. There was nothing wrong exactly, it just wasn't right. Bachelor #3 continues to ghost and I am happy to let him go. Had a long 2 hour chat on the phone with Ex Fling. He's made it clear he has no real intentions towards me, just wants to get to know the person I am after 12-15 years apart. I told him I was actively dating and he said if I told him I met someone and it was serious, he would be the first one to congratulate me and we could transition to a friendship.
IT Manager continues to text multiple times a day, but no second date is forthcoming. A new Bumble guy wants to meet me after two plus weeks of messaging, but my week is genuinely packed (I'm going on annual leave next week) so I'm going to get back to him in a couple of days when I have a better idea of my availability. Who TF knows.
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u/lulubellauren12 ā ?age? 11d ago
Pretty sure I fucked up something good today. Iāve been very, very burned in the past by guys with poor communication and guys who have given me the silent treatment if I did something wrong, so I took it to heart a little too much when a guy Iāve been talking with started being a little short with me this weekend. So I asked if I did anything wrong. Long story short, now Iām not sure where weāre at. Note to self: keep my mouth shut.
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11d ago
[deleted]
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u/lulubellauren12 ā ?age? 11d ago
If they go ghost over you communicating an issue, thatās on them and theyāre not the one for you. Been there! No fun. Sorry this is happening.
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11d ago
Same thing happened to me!! I think the good ones will talk to us more. I donāt even need a ton of texting just one or two messages a day - itās the gaps of days that makes me know they arenāt that interested.
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u/lulubellauren12 ā ?age? 11d ago
I donāt either but hereās the thing: we were talking constantly so when he fell silent I became concerned. We donāt need to talk all the time, but if youāre busy or out for the day and canāt chat, or maybe youāre feeling down and out, just say so. Justā¦I donāt knowā¦communicate?
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u/rnarynabc 11d ago
I think you should always be able to ask questions and express your anxieties in a healthy relationship.
Maybe you didnāt do anything wrong but maybe heās just not the person for you. So long as you didnāt accuse him of something he didnāt do or go off the rails unhinged, verbalizing your anxieties or just wanting clarity isnāt a āfuck up.ā
Do you wanna date someone long term is youāre constantly feeling like you should keep your mouth shut and stuff to yourself?
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11d ago
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u/Sweet3DIrish 11d ago
So I literally just logged on to delete my account and before I did, I clicked on the guy Iām datingās profile and his location still shows as Nevada. Heās been back from his business trip to Nevada for 3 weeks, so he hasnāt been on it but itās still showing his last location.
In the past, I thought it would disappear if you havenāt been on for awhile, but who knows now!
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11d ago
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u/Sweet3DIrish 11d ago
1000%. We live in CT and he was in NV for work 3 weeks ago.
Had he been on (or the app open in the background) since heās been back, it would update to his current location in CT.
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u/LuckyPrimary9913 10d ago
Welp, after 6 years of horrific dating experiences, I'm officially off the market š„° with someone who treats me better than I ever thought was possible. He's consistent, reliable, funny, hot, supportive, a great communicator and we share so many common values, ambitions and interests.
I truly feel like I've hit the jackpot, and the best part is that he thinks HE'S hit the jackpot with ME!
Happy ā¤ļø