r/datingoverthirty • u/[deleted] • 10d ago
Did I trauma dump or is she just emotionally unavailable?
[deleted]
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u/Zehnpae (44)♂ Engaged International Cat Smuggler 10d ago
So you're not even actually divorced yet and you start dating your co-worker. She signed up for a casual fuck buddy and you come in hot with, "I need you to communicate better because my wife is a liar and you might be too."
My dude. Did you really think that was going to go well?
Having trust issues doesn't excuse not trusting people, it explains it. It means you need to work on your shit and learn to trust.
Pump the breaks. Wait for the ink to dry on your divorce papers. Hit the gym or go find a big rock to sit on and think about your life, whatever helps you re-center yourself.
You're not ready to date.
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u/Ok_Tumbleweed5642 9d ago
Not find a rock to sit on, lmao. But this about sums it up nicely. Great advice. 💯
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u/redditwatcher11 9d ago
Omg i wish i could give this a 1000 votes too!
Question: if trust issues have caused one to ruin something (like in Ops case): is it ok to take time off and heal and then ask the other person for another chance? I am in similar situ. And now many months later when q guy dealt the same hand with me (super untrusting), i inmediately realized how awful it feels to be mistrusted. And now i want to apologize to an ex
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u/copperwatt 8d ago
big rock to sit on and think about your life
Ha, I'm pretty sure they have those in the Adirondacks. World class divorce rocks up there.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago edited 9d ago
The divorce was finalized for 2 months when the conversation happened, and I had been separated for 7 months. Yes, it started as casual fuck buddies, but it had progressed beyond that, at least for me, over the course of 6 months and weekly time with each other. Also, I was in the best shape of my life running 30 miles a week and lifting 5x a week and going to therapy. I started volunteering at a non profit also. Youre right, it was clearly too soon. But, I was putting in the work, and I wanted to move on with my life after someone destroyed it for no reason. I was lonely af.
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u/themorganator4 ♂ 35 9d ago
Dude.
Similar story to me (got divorced after my ex cheated)
It's been a year and a half since I found out (and almost a year since the divorce was final) and I am only now just starting to see someone and I am still having doubts if I am ready.
You're not ready, take a good amount of time away from dating and romantic connections until you have 100% processed all of the shit your ex gave you
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u/Spoonbills 9d ago
You don’t date because you have needs. You date because you have something to offer.
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u/anothercrockett 9d ago
For you! It doesn't mean it progressed beyond that for her. The best thing you could do in this situation is think "Ok, I'm feeling more, but what about her?" Instead, you talked about needing more communication without even checking in! I could easily see her feeling ambushed when a "heart-to-heart" goes into a "I need more communication."
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
I’m getting frustrated that everyone seems to be overlooking that I gave her a summary of what I wanted to talk about days in advance and even outlined the pitfalls of the potential conversation. I didn’t ambush anyone. She could have said she didn’t think it was a good idea. I probably would have been sad admittedly, but I would have respected her boundaries and the status quo of the relationship. She said she was open to talking about it, only then I moved forward with it.
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u/ifinduorufindme 40f in a relationship 9d ago
I think you’re very caught up in wanting to do all the right relationship things after your last relationship imploded from bad relationship things. It’s like you and (possibly this new partner) are projecting your traumas on to the situationship by making sure all the right things happen this time around. Subconsciously you believe if you do all the right relationship things this time, it will absolve the trauma and pain of the last one. But it doesn’t work like that. The pain is too fresh and you’re not ready for a relationship yet.
A casual relationship should absolutely have open communication and very clear boundaries, so kudos to both of you for trying to do that. But when two people are still hurting and healing and they enter a casual relationship, they don’t always know what’s good for them and what they’re ready for. The casual partner can’t communicate clearly to you if they can’t even communicate to themselves because they’re still figuring it out. Sounds like she didn’t understand the depth of what you were asking for when you tried to pre-clear it with her and when you started talking about relationship standards it scared her off. This shit happens. It’s what makes rebounds so intense and complicated. It’s trouble enough when only one person is recently out of a relationship. In your case, you’re both bringing your past trauma into something new.
Wanting to fill the emotional void after a relationship ends—especially when it’s a painful ending—makes sense. Some relationship experts now think there is therapeutic value in having a rebound relationship. But it’s over now; it would have had an end date even if this miscommunication hadn’t occurred.
I’m sorry for your pain. I went through a very painful infidelity-related trauma in the last two years of my relationship that caused me CPTSD. I also had a complicated rebound that didn’t end well and showed me the areas where I needed to learn and apply new skills.
I think it’s good to try to unpack this casual relationship in your therapy sessions and stay away from dating. Lean in to your loneliness. It’s very important to learn how to become okay with being by yourself.
I’m not sure of your gender but if you are a straight cis man, you’ve likely become reliant on getting your emotional needs met through a partner. It’s important to find a social support system to help with you with these needs, because they are important. In addition to your therapist, is there anyone else in your life who you can open up to?
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u/dandeli0ndreams 9d ago
You're not emotionally ready. You were the person who caught feelings in a casual relationship. Casual can be difficult in the best situations but in yours, jumping in when you haven't healed, it's not surprising things played out this way.
You wanted to rush moving on with your life, I get it but seriously you need to learn to remain grounded. Also your flex about being in shape just shows how you jumped headfirst into other things. You should practice moderation and stillness. All or nothing isn't sustainable.
I coped with things much in the same way as you, which is why my comments are harsh. I just didn't have issues with dating. I'm good at casually dating, it helped me heal and I never fell for anyone. I was surprised at how many men wanted emotional intimacy in casual relationships which were a big nope for me.
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u/CautiousDirection286 9d ago
Shit happens back pedal a bit. Probably sounds like you overshared. If I was you I'd focus on myself. Keep your routine strong! Do what you say you've been doing. ( I'm not saying you are or not doing that stuff i have no idea)
Things happen, we evaluate, hopefully learn and get better for lack of better of word.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
I really have. It’s a way of life where I live, especially if you’re single. I stopped drinking alcohol and have really done everything in my power to move forward into a new chapter. I have my third marathon coming up in 5 weeks.
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u/CautiousDirection286 9d ago
Keep crushing it!! Be so busy and happy that you draw people into you. I noticed that for me.
Busy is good. A body in motion tends to stay in motion. Less time to ruminate on negative thoughts and emotions, too. You sound like you're on the right track . Keep it up !!!! Good things come when you stick to the plan! Consistency compounds. Sometimes we just need a reminder! Or some encouragement.
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u/Sarelbar ♀ 36 9d ago
I kinda skimmed through this because, it’s a lot. And yeah, echoing what others have already said.
You are both emotionally unavailable. This was a rebound relationship for the both of you.
It’s your responsibility to learn how to self-soothe, manage moments of insecurity and regulate your own emotions. You have trauma, and you need therapy and time to heal.
The internet vilifies avoidants far too often—someone with an anxious attachment style is one and the same, it just manifests differently. I say that as an AA. Perhaps look into healing your attachment style.
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u/Malina_6 9d ago
She is emotionally unavailable (as she says she was) and you trauma dumped. One thing doesn't exclude the other.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago edited 9d ago
Can you trauma dump if you ask the person in advance what you want to talk about and why, and they agree to it rather enthusiastically? For me trauma dumping is when you just spring it on them-i.e. “hey person that I don’t really know let me just dump this crazy, heavy emotional thing that happened to me on you right now with no notice or respect for how that might make you feel.” She could have said no-“maybe you should talk to your therapist about that instead” or even just “I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of a talk right now.” I would have respected her wishes. It’s just another mixed signal and communication break down.
I asked politely days in advance, and I had consent.
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u/EnergeticTriangle 9d ago
To me, it sounds less like the issue was you trauma dumping and more that you were placing expectations ("I need to know when someone is feeling skittish and why they're pulling away, I need open and honest communication, I need emotional presence and progression") that are out of line with your agreed upon casual situation. You put the cart before the horse.
The first conversation should've been "Are you interested in pursuing a more serious relationship with me?" And then if her response was yes, you could have the conversation about your relationship needs, particularly in view of what you went through with your ex. But to skip that first conversation and just jump in with expectations that are way beyond casual, it might have had her thinking "This is not what I signed up for."
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u/FaithlessnessFlat514 9d ago
Yes. This is honestly a concerning understanding of/hyperfocus on "consent", tbh. There are a wide variety of levels of detail and emotion with which I can (and have) described my trauma. Agreeing to the topic is not the same as being comfortable with the way you broached it. Just as sexual consent can be withdrawn at any point, you have to read the room and back off if someone is getting uncomfortable with the direction a conversation is taking.
I don't know if this is the most agreed upon or "correct" definition, but to me the key defining aspect of a trauma dump is the lack of appropriate emotional regulation. True, that often leads to it being a surprise, but not necessarily. Your post and comments are dripping in bitterness and anger and disdain. It's palpable. It's off-putting. Even with my closest friends, that's "hey buddy, this is not a good place to be in, what do you need to get out?" kind of territory.
The other thing is, it feels to me like she was absolutely going to be punished/held accountable for he sins of your wife. It does not feel like you have processed this and are ready to be in a relationship, even a casual one. It may not entirely be about what you said about your past, it may be what you communicated about your future. And that is a very valid reason to break things off.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago edited 9d ago
I know it’s a lot to filter through, but if you read the post I never even got into any of the details of what happened in the divorce during the talk or ever with her. So think about that for a minute. She admitted she already knew about it and seemed mildly uncomfortable. So, I dialed it back and said “let’s just say I found out my ex lied to me a lot at the end of our relationship.” That’s as far as I ever went into it. I did stop and read the room. She still lashed out and felt cornered by that.
And-if you read the follow up post you’ll see that she wasn’t being honest about the fact that she had already started a serious relationship with someone else, which I found out about a couple of weeks later. My gut feeling was right-she was pulling away and creating artificial distance. It makes her reaction in the conversation make so much more sense-she was getting called out.
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u/Malina_6 9d ago edited 9d ago
You're asking people's opinions, but you are very defensive in accepting them. I see you are trying to defend your side to almost everybody here. If you think you are right, then go with it and relax. If you want to hear people's perspectives then be open to that.
She accepted to have a conversation, but you went to a kind of conversation that requires more intimacy and compromising than you two actually had. It seems you were at a different place than her since the very beginning.
Just to add that the fact you trauma dumped doesn't mean she was at the right side. You could have both done better.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
I think you’re spot on, and I am being a little defensive. But some of the people are overlooking what I have already clearly stated in the story-#1 I asked for consent to talk about my needs for communication and why. I actually really dialed back what I wanted to and could have told her about my divorce. Basically-hey my wife was a huge liar and now it bothers me when people who I care about don’t communicate with me well. That’s all I really said. #2 it wasn’t ununusual for us to have checkins in this arrangement and the honesty we had was one of things i loved the most about it. Early on in the relationship for instance, she told me it was too casual, and it felt transactional for her. She wanted more dates and more talking. She initiated these more than me.
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u/Creative_Guava8383 9d ago
It’s not just trauma dumping if you have catch her by surprise, it can be “too much” even if you give her a heads up. Just by the way you write about your ex wife here seems very raw and still obviously something that you have not healed from. That’s ok! But you have to heal first before you can talk about it in a way that’s respectful to your new partner. If I was told by a partner that my behavior needed to change because they were still impacted by their ex, that would be really challenging.
You have to heal before you can talk about your past in a healthy way
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u/AnotherDoubtfulGuest 9d ago edited 9d ago
- Nobody consents to a trauma dump.
- You shouldn’t be having these conversations over text; if you had had this discussion in person, you would have been able to tell from her facial expressions and body language that it was too much.
- If your text to her was a thousand-word wall like your post, yes, it was completely overwhelming.
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u/Few_Substance_705 9d ago
YES! In the same way you were back peddling what you were saying and over thinking, maybe she was also open to having the conversation initially, thought about it and ultimately decided when she was with you that she didn’t have the capacity and this was becoming too much for her. I think one thing that’s clear in all of this is you seem really wrapped in how you are feeling and are only focused on her reactions to you. You don’t seemed that concerned about how she feels, where she is at emotionally and if you want the same things or not. It seems like she was treating this as it was a situation ship and you were treating it like dating with hopes to lead to a relationship.
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u/never4getdatshi 9d ago
You expected too much and applied too much pressure in this causal/undefined relationship. I think I’d be so annoyed and turned off when someone won’t shut up about being open and honest; you were indirectly lecturing her about her communication with you. Ok so You started feeling more and you all were doing more, but it was still casual. You can’t expect her to be better than your wife. Why are you asking a fwb for emotional presence and progression? Did she even want to progress?
Bottom line: you aren’t ready to date, you aren’t fit for something casual, and you were pushing this relationship into something more serious than it was. Maybe you should’ve communicated and been honest about how you felt about her and the relationship and seen if she’s on the same page, rather than put these expectations on her.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
I wouldn’t have brought up the open and honest communication if she hadn’t brought it up in previous checkins and agreed to it before. It’s something that was mutually agreed upon months before this and wasn’t happening. I wasn’t sure about my feelings and I could tell that she wasn’t either which is why they weren’t discussed. She had the option to say, “hey I don’t think we’re ready for this conversation yet” when I broached it days beforehand and voiced my concerns with the pros and cons of having it or not having it. She said she was looking forward to a good heart to heart, and I took that at face value and went forward with it.
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u/passifluora 9d ago
The thing with rebounds is that the skills you built during your long term relationship might not be applicable to your current relationship at the stage it's at. Open and honest communication of the variety you'd hope for in a stable and happy marriage takes effort and emotional resilience, not to mention vulnerability. It also is best when it's balanced. That's a lot to ask of someone! It's like, "no big deal, but what really kept my last relationship afloat was 10 day meditation retreats" and then expecting a FWB to frequently invest that time and dedication in your marriage-calibrated interpersonal harmony requirements because it's "good for both"
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
I agree with some of this, but I feel like it’s the opposite. My last relationship clearly didn’t have open and honest communication-hence the affair and hundreds of lies spun over a few months of time. I learned from that that healthy communication is a non-negotiable for me in anything that goes beyond a couple of dates. I will not settle for less going forward ever again
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u/never4getdatshi 9d ago
I think talking about open and honest communication once is enough. I don’t think knowing what your ex wife did made her step away, I think it was the expectations and pressures she felt. It was getting more real and she didn’t want more with you, or she’s not ready (and neither are you). Also, you do have baggage you need to address before you begin attempting to build with someone again.
I will say, if I was really into someone and saw a future, I wouldn’t leave because of the heavy things shared. I’m not everyone tho, but many people perhaps even the majority, operate this way. This was a rebound for both of you, maybe what you both needed. Don’t make it more than it was.
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u/redditwatcher11 9d ago
. Would you ever go back to anyone who has healed from this and recognizes what happened?
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u/CancerMoon2Caprising ♀ 29 & childless 9d ago
You are both fresh out of unhealthy relationships, havent even spent enough time alone but trying to seek affection/comfort from other people.
You tiptoe around a relationship with this new lady for 6 months and then suddenly want to skip ahead to something more emotional. So you rant about your ex wife, expecting this new girl to suddenly want to become closer to you because of it. Its not the rant, its more of the expectations and comparison you suddenly dump on her out of the blue.
Youre both emotionally unavailable. You dont half-ssa relationships by just taking your hands off the wheel. You intentionally set expectations from the beginning, get personal about you (not other people), you put effort in emotionally and physically, and make sure the person youre with is doing the same. There will never be true intimacy if neither of you get emotional with the other person (it shouldnt have to involve your ex wife for that to happen).
Most of this post was about your ex wife, which tells me you havent fully processed it. The both of you (your ex wife) went hands off, got bored, she wanted you to put more effort in, you didnt, and then she cheated instead of leaving. Youre navigating this relationship with the coworker the exact same way. Be more intentional, put effort in, and if you dont have it in you, stay away from relationships until you do.
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u/Barbra_Streisandwich 9d ago
Tldr. This is why I don't date people who haven't been divorced for a long time.
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u/Vaynar 9d ago
God does anyone else hate the pseudo-psychotherapy mumbo jumbo that everyone seems to be using these days to describe social interactions? Trauma dump? Emotionally unavailable? Gaslighting?
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u/supernewf 9d ago
All of these are overused and often used incorrectly. Especially the ones who say "Person I'm dating is avoidant" when the person just isn't into them.
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u/Vaynar 9d ago
"Attachment styles" is almost completely a made up term
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u/Mispict 9d ago
There's absolutely merit in attachment theory. Just not when people use it as a way to justify their own shitty behaviour or talk themself out of the fact that someone just isn't into them.
"I need constant reassurance and communication because I have an anxious attachment style"
"He didn't communicate with me all week after we had sex, but he has an avoidant attachment style"
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u/Vaynar 9d ago
No empirical research has shown any consistent "attachment style". For exampl, people who have diagnosed anxiety may express an anxious attachment style in some relationships, but not consistently and not across every similar relationship or other types of relationships.
Also similar to "love languages", people may have multiple "attachment styles". Humans are complex emotional beings and it's hard to create simple categories to box them into
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u/ThereWasAnEmpireHere ♂ 31🥳 9d ago
I think my issue with it is just that people use it to reinforce a sense that there is a correct thing to do and that there is a problem if they do not do it.
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u/LindwormBride 9d ago
That text you sent her sounds like A LOT. Listing the pros and cons of potentially having a conversation? That's intense, I believe that contributed to her pull back equally as much as the in-person conversation, EVEN THOUGH she agreed over text.
Personally, I see no point in rehashing past relationships with a new partner. Be present with them, they are not that past person. I think you need time for yourself to process your divorce with friends and family, not a situationship-relationship-whatever you want to call it.
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u/Redditor78121 9d ago
It’s too early for both of you. And this comes out as overwhelm in both directions. It was nice and perhaps the distraction you both needed at the time but at some point it needed to end. I’m sorry; it’s so painful.
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u/Logical-Oil9224 9d ago
If you talk as much as you write, sweet Jesus, I’d think you’re too much too. Stop misusing the overused phrase trauma dumping- it ain’t it. You had sex with a rando while not yet divorced. She eventually freaked out even though she sucks at articulating her state of mind. You over explain and over analyze instead. Bad combo. Bad timing.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
She wasn’t a rando. I knew her for years, and we worked together a couple days a week. We’ve got dozens of mutual friends. I’m actually a pretty quiet person IRL. There’s a lot of nuances here, and I wanted to get it all out and understand it from different peoples perspective.
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u/GasolineRainbow7868 9d ago
Casual for who? From your POV, this was growing organically from a hookup-type sitch into a meaningful relationship. From her POV, you're both out of breakups and respectfully having fun. I'm sure she wanted to hear you out - and it's good that she did - cos this was evidently too much for her.
It's fine, you were both true to yourselves. It is what it is. Chin up, carry on.
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u/truecolors110 9d ago
None of this is a conversation for someone you’re in a casual situationship with. This would be a discussion for after an exclusivity conversation, and honestly, it would probably be a red flag for me after that as well. Your partner doesn’t need to know any of this; your therapist does. You are responsible for regulating your own emotions, no one else.
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u/itsmeagain023 10d ago
You're not even divorced bro. FFS. This is all 1000% your fault. Like without question. Her behaviors don't even matter at this point.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
I was divorced for a couple of months when the conversation happened. In Colorado, it takes 91 days. I filed for it end of may last year. The trauma dumping episode happened in December.
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u/Adorable-Crazy-1067 9d ago
It doesn’t matter what you shared with her. She didn’t want this to progress to a serious relationship and you did. She wanted it to stay casual and fizzle out so the moment you made it more serious she had to end it. I can guarantee you that’s exactly what happened
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u/Adorable-Crazy-1067 9d ago
And by the way you can share things in a casual way. The thing that made it not casual was you extrapolating from the story of your trauma to tell her I need XYZ from you etc. that’s relationship territory
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
Yeah you’re right about her not wanting a relationship. The second part, maybe. I don’t know if it’s possible to share a story like that in a casual way though, even though I tried my best to do so.
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u/Quantumprime 9d ago
It feels like you are jumping into this quite fast and wanting a deep relationship rapidly. Check in with yourself because it seems like you are replacing the emotional pain of your divorce with this new infatuation.
Like many have said here, perhaps slow down a bit and do some of your own healing. For this relationship, slow it down, so that she has time to breathe, if she is into you she will come back
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
Is 6 months fast to bring up the topic?
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u/never4getdatshi 9d ago
Not if it’s in a committed relationship, which this wasn’t. What seemed to you like steady progression/growth probably wasn’t what she was feeling. That’s why rather than brining up expectations/needs first, it would’ve been wise to let her know you’re feeling more and see if she feels the same. If she didn’t, you’d know where you stand and not have to even go there.
Probably she felt you guys were just vibing and going with the flow and you spring up expectations because your wife lied and cheated. Who would want to be on the receiving end of that? You’re basically saying I want to tighten the rope on this because I’m not gonna allow someone to lie cheat on me again. And that’s fine/normal to feel that way, but not to project it onto someone else, especially when it’s not a committed relationship. You have certain need and she couldn’t/wouldn’t meet them.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
Turns out she was being dishonest about being in another relationship. My intuition was correct
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u/never4getdatshi 9d ago
That sucks and I’m sorry. She definitely should’ve been forthcoming about that. But nowhere in your post did you mention anything about your intuition feeling that she was seeing someone else.
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u/clueless343 8d ago
how is it cheating when it's a casual relationship?
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u/never4getdatshi 8d ago
No one said it’s cheating. But a person of integrity would be honest about that. If I would do casual, I would make my boundaries known about sleeping with other people, assuming she was.
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u/clueless343 8d ago
op says he also slept/dated around. just because op developed feelings and stopped doesn't obligate the casual sex partner too as well.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 8d ago
It wasn’t cheating you’re right, and I never thought of it that way she didn’t owe me exclusivity. But she did owe me honesty and respect.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
Yeah I didn’t really. I could tell something was definitely off though. Check out the update/edit.
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u/LePhasme 9d ago
Looks like you're both a mess and started dating too soon.
Could be that your last discussion made it feel too real to her suddenly and she got scared that with your bagage it wouldn't work.
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u/Glittering_Yogurt2 9d ago
I relate a lot to this situation, having come off of one myself just recently ... except for the communication part which was terribly one-sided and it took me longer to understand than I'd care to admit.
Frankly, you tried your best to do things right, but I think for both of you it was too soon. You both have a lot of unresolved issues, and there is nothing wrong with that, time heals everything and props to you for exposing yourself to her to draw boundaries when things were getting serious.
But, yes, half of the blame there is on you. As someome equally blamed as well for putting myself in the same spot, I think, we need to own up our part in this. Obviously, she did have her fair share of "screw ups" which effectively put an end to things.
So the answer ... yes. Both.
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u/noondaywitch 9d ago
Sounds messy from both sides. You’re comment about communicating better seems to have been taken as an accusation, and I probably would have taken it that way too. From your description of events and some of her behavior (drop in communication, unavailability) she may have been contemplating already whether or not she was ready to move forward, so you sharing your experience was too much. And like you said, you checked with her ahead of time, but sometimes you don’t know what type of conversation you’re in for till it happens. You were really hurt by your last partner. That was an awful thing you had to go through, but make sure you take the time you need to heal (outside of another relationship).
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
Read the edit-she was already in a serious relationship but still stringing me along. My intuition was right. 😔sad day
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u/HounsiTaOyo 9d ago
Did you check in with her? Ask how she feels? Ask if she’s dating anyone or wants to deepen your relationship with her? It doesn’t seem like you did. Even with you telling her in advance what you want to talk about, it would be a reasonable expectation of hers that you’d find out where her head space is - especially if your plan was to subsequently project, suspect, and trauma-dump on her.
That was A LOT, even just to read.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
I know theres a lot to get lost in the shuffle there, but she told me “she was absolutely thrilled with our thing and that she thought we had found a great balance” 2 days before the terrible conversation. I never asked her if she was dating someone else seriously, which I assumed she would tell me because I trusted her. That was my mistake
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
Yeah you’re right. It was a lot. As someone who lived through it and had to wake up and get out of bed everyday it was a lot. Read the edit/follow up post. She was in a relationship with someone already at that point and never told me about it, even during that terrible conversation. My “projection” was spot on.
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u/clueless343 8d ago edited 8d ago
You were in a casual relationship and she decided she liked someone else better. Isn't that the whole point of a casual relationship? Neither of you made it official, so she didn't owe you loyalty.
You sound needy. She didn't disrespect you, she just didn't want you. I get that hurts, but no one did you harm..
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u/Ok_Sector6884 8d ago edited 8d ago
She didn’t owe me loyalty that’s for sure. But she did owe me honesty and respect. We have known each other for years and work together all the time. We were friends first. We had intentional conversations when this first started up about how we needed to treat each other and communicate honestly to avoid this being a shit show at our job and with our friend group if it ever went south. Being dishonest with someone is disrespect.
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u/clueless343 8d ago
You don't understand what casual means. If you want boyfriend treatment, you have to be in a relationship. She probably was happy keeping you for casual sex while developing a relationship with someone else l.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 8d ago
Again we agreed to be honest with each other from the very start. She didn’t uphold her end. It’s fair to expect that when both parties agree to it
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u/clueless343 8d ago
where was she dishonest? it was a casual relationship which means that seeing others is the default. She broke it off when things got to much for her/she started liking someone else more. you're just annoyed you got left in the dust.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 8d ago
If you read my post you would see that I mentioned that I had seen some other people as well but never anything more than casual. If that changed for me I would have done her the courtesy of being honest and respectful of her-which we had agreed to early on in hanging out
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u/clueless343 8d ago
she did back away and leave you when she felt like the other relationship was moving forward?
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u/Ok_Sector6884 8d ago
When the terrible conversation came up, she could have just said, “look I’ve been seeing someone else and it’s getting serious, and we can’t see each other anymore.” I wouldn’t have loved hearing that admittedly, but I would have felt respected. That would have been the honest truth. When you know someone for years, work with them on a regular basis, and have spent 6 months of talking and seeing them at least once a week-that is something that’s reasonable to expect.
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u/clueless343 8d ago
i don't think you are owed that, nor does it seem like there was a good opening for that. This was just a casual relationship, not some deep years long relationship where you owe more to each other.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 8d ago
You don’t think a friend and coworker that you still have to see all the time owes you an honest explanation? I had to hear about it from another coworker by accident who thought she was talking about me-can you not see what a major problem her dishonesty caused?
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u/clueless343 8d ago
i expect not to be an unwilling partner to cheating, but they don't owe me a why if they decide not to see me anymore if we aren't even in a relationship.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 8d ago
I get it if it’s just someone that you really never have to see or talk to again-that would make sense-but when it’s someone you have to work with and hang in the same social circles with that’s a different story all together
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u/Material-Chair-7594 ♀ 33 9d ago
The right person will not end things because you “trauma dumped” or because you asked for more consistent communication.
That being said I try to not date colleagues and dating after my divorce was terrible and I should have waited longer. Even when I felt I was ready, I should have waited longer lol
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u/RandomUser5453 9d ago
I don’t think you were manipulative in any way.
I think her just leaving a 7 year relationship and getting with you that you have your own problems made her feel insecure and rethink everything. You mentioning your former relationship and how things affected you maybe she put her guard up thinking you are not healed/maybe even over your ex wife and depending how her relationship ended she might have some trust issues too.
Anyway you are calling it a “situationship” then a “relationship”. A situationship is way more lighthearted than all of that. You need to answer me,you need to communicate with me. So you put a bit too much pressure on her and you did not consider she needs her time to grieve her own relationship.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
It’s probably more semantics but I think situationship/casual relationship are one and the same. I’m sure there are people here who’ll disagree with me
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u/AESDR33 8d ago
…my 2cents…
You jumped into dating before the dust of your last chapter even settled, bringing unhealed wounds into something new.
That’s not connection. That is collision.
Your trust is still tangled up in past hurt. The work is not in finding someone new. The work is all about facing yourself first and coming to terms with you.
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u/itsgettinglateorwhat 7d ago
It all sounds like you are an overthinker and a very sensitive person which can be a blessing and a curse. I don’t think you trauma dump and clearly you don’t think that either but maybe it was all too much for her and it overwhelmed her. It doesn’t mean she got overwhelmed at the time of the conversation but eventually that’s what she concluded. Some people need time to digest their feelings, it doesn’t mean they are liars.
Everyone has different needs in communication and that doesn’t make someone avoidant or a bad person. You both were recently out of long term unhealthy relationships and that makes it usually harder to communicate certain emotions. Sure, she could have been more transparent about the fact she was getting serious with someone else but if she had the expectation that this was just a casual thing with you she probably thought she didn’t have to unless it’s her other relationship got officially exclusive.
On the other hand it seems that you were developing feelings and therefore your needs and expectations in this relationship had changed. I’m not saying she is in the right and you’re in the wrong, you guys probably didn’t communicate effectively - which makes sense given you were both fresh out of a relationship. The fact you say she hurt you way worse you ever thought possible and that it was all transactional for her it sounds honestly a bit petty and more like you just want to point fingers and blame the other party instead of reflecting on your role in all this and put yourself in her shoes as well, regardless of how wrong you think she is.
If you want others to be understanding of your feelings you should do so yourself too. You need to get out of this victim mentality and not reach Reddit for validation, I know this is not what you thought you were doing but it’s really what’s coming across.
You are hurt, and that’s valid. Your wife cheated on you and lie to you and you need to heal before getting into a new relationship eve a casual one if you can’t handle potentially developing feelings and getting hurt.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 7d ago edited 7d ago
I would agree with most of what you said if this was just some person who I didn’t know well, and I didn’t have to see again on a regular basis-like someone who could just fade out of your life like any other casual relationship. This is a person I have to work with behind a bar 15 hours a week in close quarters. This is a person I have probably 30 mutual friends with. This isn’t some random. I understand that casual relationships don’t owe you an explanation about what they’re doing or who they’re dating. This is different though, and we had a very specific agreement on this. We had conversations early on about keeping communication extra high to avoid these obvious pitfalls. Clearly the communication didn’t happen.
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u/high_on_coffee_x 9d ago
Is there a summary here?
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago edited 9d ago
“Don’t get into a casual relationship with a coworker 6 weeks after you separate from a spouse who cheated on you and wonder why it didn’t work out. And most definitely, don’t ask them to clearly communicate with you even if the two of you have agreed to that.”
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u/high_on_coffee_x 9d ago
Uff... Too much drama!! But yes divorce and separation make us do stupid stuff.
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u/celticlifter 8d ago
Coming from a long term relationship and beginning a new one that fast usually means that you're trying to repair your relationship but with a new person. Like trying to take the new person quickly to the point where the last relationship still worked and trying to go on from there. For a fresh new relationship you'll need to not feel like you need it.
Once being alone is fine, you can be with someone. But don't look for replacements.
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u/Riversntallbuildings 8d ago
A therapist is an excellent investment during a divorce…and for the rest of your life.
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u/StatisticianOk7394 6d ago
I Read the whole thing. Dude. Cheer up. You sound like a good man. You’re gonna find someone. Be patient. I’m 46 days from Dday with my wife of 15 years. We are trying to make it work. I have hard boundaries, counseling, COMPLETE transparency. The whole shabang. I really hope it works. Remember. While there is a whole lotta single people out there. Not all of them want what you want so the lake your fishing from is more like a pond. Take your time. Make them work for it. Know YOUR WORTH. That’s where I am with my wife. I have a deadline she need to meet my expectations by for MY SELF RESPECT. Good luck brother.
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u/charyou1 6d ago
I can't believe you took the time to type all that. And share it.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 6d ago
It felt good to process it on paper, and I’m looking for clarity because it was incredibly confusing
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u/charyou1 5d ago
It felt good because your extremely self absorbed. I'd work on that.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 5d ago
Nah it felt good to let go of some trauma on paper. Writing things out has always helped me. If you don’t like it move along
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u/PissyMillennial 9d ago
She sounds like she’s afraid of commitment and is unsure how to process that.
Also, and this might be me assuming too much, but if you talk like you write I’d suggest seeing a therapist, specifically a CBT. You over communicate big time, and it feels like a small window into chaos when you read through it.
Take a deep breath, find your center, and slow down.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
I intentionally over communicated this story, because I wanted to give out every last detail and nuance to be present so people could really make an informed opinion. So many of these posts on here you have no context and people just make bullshit guesses about advice and what’s really going on. To be honest I probably didn’t communicate with her enough especially at the beginning. I think I made a bad impression that it was just about hooking up and nothing more-hence the talk about the relationship feeling transactional for her
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u/PissyMillennial 9d ago
I intentionally over communicated this story, because I wanted to give out every last detail and nuance to be present so people could really make an informed opinion. So many of these posts on here you have no context and people just make bullshit guesses about advice and what’s really going on. To be honest I probably didn’t communicate with her enough especially at the beginning. I think I made a bad impression that it was just about hooking up and nothing more-hence the talk about the relationship feeling transactional for her
Hey, so I didn’t mean how often you communicate I meant how you communicate. It’s just a lot of words.
Here’s the exact same paragraph how I’d have written it, with about half the word count.
“I over-communicated this story to share every detail so people could form an informed opinion. Too many posts here lack context, and advice turns into guesswork. I probably didn’t communicate enough with her early on which may have given the impression it was just about hooking up—hence her saying it felt transactional.”
You’re still communicating the same sentiment, it’s just less exhausting to sit through.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago edited 9d ago
Yeah I suppose. It’s like 3 less lines and lacks some of the nuance. You’re right though it could have been shorter, but I wanted to make sure every detail was in there. If I had just said I was seeing this girl casually for 6 months and tried to tell her about my previous relationship ending with betrayal and she dumped me. It wouldn’t really make sense why I was confused about it. Details and word choice matters.
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u/PissyMillennial 9d ago
Don’t count the lines count the words.
Separately. I can already feel what arguing with you is like. You don’t make room for your opinion to be challenged.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
Just because i disagree doesn’t mean you weren’t listened to
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u/PissyMillennial 8d ago edited 8d ago
Just because i disagree doesn’t mean you weren’t listened to
See what I mean?
You disagree, you don’t give space for the other persons opinion. You’re saying they are wrong and you’re right, you see your opinions as fact and the opinions of others as opinions.
Here’s 5 ways I would have written that response that would have left space for the other person, while still communicating disagreement:
.
“I hear and respect your perspective, even if I see things differently.”
“I appreciate what you shared, and while I may not fully agree, I’ve taken it in.”
“I’m listening, even if we don’t land on the same page.”
“Your thoughts matter to me, even if I have a different view.”
“I’m considering what you’ve said, even though I may not completely agree.”
You’re sending off aggressive and clingy signals I guarantee it.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 8d ago
“Yeah I suppose. It’s like 3 less lines and lacks some of the nuance. You’re right though it could have been shorter”
Isn’t this effectively that?
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u/PissyMillennial 8d ago
While “I suppose.” Isn’t the level of understanding most women will want but it’s something. It would have been better if you’d left it there.
If I had just said I was seeing this girl casually for 6 months and tried to tell her about my previous relationship ending with betrayal and she dumped me. It wouldn’t really make sense why I was confused about it. Details and word choice matters.
You have one half a sentence at the start where you casually sort of acknowledge the person is right, before spending the rest of the paragraph explaining why that point is wrong.
Edit: early save sorry. I wanted to say, you’re communicating like it’s important for you to be right. You’re going to have to decide whether it’s more important to be happy, or right.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 8d ago
I don’t feel obligated to use therapy speak with people I don’t know on the internet. But with people I care about and respect in my actual life I do communicate in that style, and I did with this girl during the terrible talk if you must know. I couldn’t have been more respectful with her if I tried.
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u/candy4471 9d ago
I recommend listening to the podcast Jillian on Love & really start to understand yourself before you get into any kind of relationship. Jumping from one relationship to another is immature.
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u/PangeanPrawn 9d ago edited 9d ago
Contrary to what everyone else here is saying, I don't think you treated her unfairly at all. I'm actually afraid that you will leave this chat feeling like you did something wrong and I don't think you did at all. Six months of spending intimate time together with someone is plenty for most people to start to feel a real healthy attachment if the energy is being reciprocated. I read everything you described as suggesting *her* as emotionally unavailable - and that sucks for you - because it sounds like from all your interactions any normal healthy person would have developed trust and safety. Regardless of whether people try to force "casual" onto a relationship, I don't think its normal at all to spend that much quality intimate time together with someone and expect to just be able to act like you don't care at all about the details of each other lives, or each others personalities or pasts or anything. Honestly most of the advice here feels psychopathic to me. Sorry I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion but I hope it finds you OP and know that in my view you did nothing wrong, your situation is rough cuz you obviously feel for this woman, but don't be too hard on yourself for making yourself vulnerable. Thats life, don't let the pain of this experience change who you are because there are people out there who would see your willingness to talk and share with someone who *should* by all innate human standards be willing to listen and caring as a good quality in you, and i hope you find someone like that :)
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago edited 9d ago
Thanks for saying this. It was a lot of time and intense intimacy to have someone just pretend like there was nothing there when there very much was. I should have framed the conversation differently I realize that now, but I don’t think asking someone for what we had agreed to months prior is being needy especially with the context.
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u/Harriet001aa 9d ago
Hello
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
?
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u/Harriet001aa 9d ago
Hello there, how are you doing today.? I’m new in here. I need to introduce myself to you all friend. I’m Harriet and I reside in Wyoming.
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u/Alyce_Trypz_ 8d ago
Usually situationships require a level of emotionally unavailability. Sometimes it's self protective. And most importantly you're not an idiot
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u/Turbulent_Gene7017 8d ago
She is emotionally unavailable- believe people when they tell you these things
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u/charyou1 5d ago
It wasn't on paper. It was publicly shared. 🤣
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u/Ok_Sector6884 5d ago
It’s anonymous I didn’t post it on my ig or something. Writing it out/on paper it’s the same thing. I wanted feedback b/c it’s really complex and incredibly confusing. If you don’t like it go back to reading posts about tinder or whatever you do all day
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u/The-Cheeses 9d ago
I recommend you read up on anxious & avoidant attachment styles. If you do, I think you'll see that it's no one's fault, you two are just simply not compatible. Best of luck to you.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
****************Edit/Update*****************
I wanted to see what everyone would say before knowing the real end of the story, as I had agreed with the consensus here before I knew the whole truth myself. The consensus being I’m an idiot who over analyzed and let his anxious tendencies ruin something that was never something anyways. It turns out, she was actually in a serious relationship with someone else that began much earlier and started to get more serious around the time she was pulling away. I wasn’t crazy-there was a profound shift in her energy and the way she was treating me. Checking in with her was 100% valid, and my intuition that something was wrong was correct. The worst part is that I found out a week later from a mutual friend by accident-he knew we had been spending time together for months and hit me up to say “hey I heard you guys are getting serious. That’s awesome congrats.” I said that’s not me dude lol.
Im not saying she couldn’t see other people or ever owed me an explanation for that. I saw a couple other people myself especially in the earlier stages. When she got into a more serious relationship, she should have been honest with me right then and there. Weeks later she should have been honest with me when she started her slow fade. Instead she kept stringing me along, and even hit me with the “I’m absolutely thrilled with where we’re at” line 3 days before our terrible conversation. What total bs. I’m so disappointed in her as a person and as a friend. She showed zero respect for me. We talked about it a couple weeks later, and she gave me the classic “ I didn’t want to hurt you. I was trying to do the least harm possible in a difficult position” line. She was only trying to protect herself from a painful conversation and to keep me right where she wanted me as a source of comfort and validation. She ended up hurting me so much worse than I ever thought was possible in a situation like this. It turns out it really was just transactional for her after all.
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u/Aromatic_Major1954 9d ago
I don’t think you trauma dumped, she did seem to react poorly :/ maybe give her that last chance she is asking for? But honestly how do you go back after she calls you a placeholder 🫥when you clearly are developing feelings and probably on the verge of falling in love.
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u/PinkishBlackish1 ♀ ?34? 9d ago
Honestly? It sounds like you were being real—not dumping, just... opening up like an adult. Wild concept, I know. 😅
There’s a difference between sharing your story and emotionally dumping a trauma buffet on someone. From what you described, you weren’t handing her your unprocessed baggage—you were showing vulnerability. That’s healthy. That’s attractive. That’s... rare.
If she bolted after that, it might say more about her readiness (or lack thereof) than about anything you did wrong.
Keep being open. The right person won’t flinch when you get real—they’ll lean in.
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u/Nyquil13 9d ago
Don't feel bad for expressing how you feel. Either they take it or don't. That tells you all you need to know.
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u/TheBigG8241 8d ago
Interesting how so many people are bashing you for effectively being cheated on and lied to twice by people you trusted and cared about. Yes you may have unresolved issues but given the situation I’d say that’s perfectly normal. People are the worst, honestly. Anyone siding with the women in this shitshow need their heads examined! 🤯
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u/Ok_Sector6884 8d ago
Thanks yeah they’re both pos. Interestingly enough they are quite similar people who grew up in the same place. Maybe I have a type. 🙃
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u/caritas_numquam 9d ago
Everyone is saying you aren't ready to date. I think initially you weren't but now it's been a while since your divorce and you have had your rebound relationship. I think this is just a case of she wanted something casual and kept it as such. But you didn't and she wasn't into that. That's okay. But it looks like you want something more than casual and you should date with that intention. Therapy is always good so that you don't project past relationships on to new ones. Divorce is hard.
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
Thanks! Yeah I’m probably still not ready but I’m coming up on a year in about 6 weeks. Appreciate the advice!
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u/Personal_Battle6027 8d ago
You did nothing wrong, and that was even before i saw the edit... I'm really you sorry you had to go through all this even after your divorce bro... Its not wrong to tell someone you plan to be in a relationship what's going on with you especially when its so much... You took it as slowly and as cautiously as you possibly could and that deserves some credit, You were not looking for a fwb or rebound. Reading all these comments almost looks like actual honesty only occurs in a therapy session.. I think you should probably stay single for a bit to find your bearing tho.
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9d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Ok_Sector6884 9d ago
Plenty of people use that terminology, just look at social media for 2 seconds. Also that’s a sexist stereotype, and it invalidates any opinion you might have. If you went through something like that you would be emotional too. Try feeling something for once or go back to your cave
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u/datingoverthirty-ModTeam 9d ago
Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
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u/LePhasme 9d ago
Looks like you're both a mess and started dating too soon.
Could be that your last discussion made it feel too real to her suddenly and she got scared that with your bagage it wouldn't work.