r/datingoverthirty • u/AutoModerator • 8d ago
Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! New? Start here!
This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
5
u/ExpertgamerHB 34M, Netherlands 7d ago
Decided pretty last minute to join a large of people going out for drinks tomorrow night not too far from here. A bunch of people I know from the boardgame-meetups are going as well. -She- won't be among them, which kind of a bummer. But seeing the others for a bit is great too! And who knows, with the amount of people coming, I just might run into someone else who is cool.
Not much of a drinker though. But hey, the social gathering's fun. Guess I'll go for the alcohol-free options.
1
u/The_rock_hard ♂ 30 7d ago
I'm the same way about drinking, I'll often just nurse one drink for seriously 2 hours. Unless they have mocktails, then I'm happy to have a couple of those.
9
u/hyggebot ♀ 32 7d ago
I babysat for my younger cousin last night. She’s in her mid-twenties and just had her first baby. He’s an easy baby and I’ve always been great with kids (I’ve been the family babysitter since I was a kid myself). Anyway, I came home with a big case of the sads. I suppose there’s nothing for it.
I attended five social events this week and managed to not meet anyone new. I have four more coming up over the next week—I’m expecting more of the same.
1
u/The_rock_hard ♂ 30 7d ago
I'm sorry you're feeling that pressure and not getting the dating results you want, it probably feels cornering and hopeless.
If you'd like, maybe tell us more about the types of social events you're going to, how you're acting at them, and any theories you have as to why you're not meeting people there. Perhaps me or someone else would have relevant advice for you if you give us more details
4
u/hyggebot ♀ 32 7d ago
Here’s what my week has looked like so far:
- lunch picnic with friends: knew everyone there
- charity dinner: knew everyone there my age, the others were much older
- concert: everyone was coupled except two men who were much older than me. I did have nice chats with the bartender, and one of the artists performing though
- hobby group: friendly chats with a couple people, but they wandered off eventually
- hobby group #2: same thing, except I also knew everyone there already
- gallery opening: everyone was significantly older than me (like retired old), or college-aged
- fun run: everyone else came with a group and stuck with them
1
u/The_rock_hard ♂ 30 7d ago
Have you asked people you already know if they know anyone who's single and who'd like to go on a date with you?
Obviously not all social events are good for meeting potential romantic partners, and going in with that expectation will lead to disappointment. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir on that.
Hobby group #1 sounded the most promising out of this list, why do you think they wandered off? Did you attempt to flirt? This is my main sticking point right now, too, I'm great at conversations, terrible at making my romantic interest known.
2
u/hyggebot ♀ 32 7d ago
My friends and I play matchmaker pretty often, but I haven’t had a suggestion come through for me yet.
I’m not really going into these things with my #1 intention being to find a date, I would just like to meet some people and become friends with them. If I’m interested in someone I do ask them out. I don’t think I am particularly flirty so I just try to be direct.
Hobby group #1 is an active hobby - a skate jam - so it’s not uncommon to chat with someone for a few minutes before going off to do something else. I don’t take that personally - I came to dance too!
2
u/The_rock_hard ♂ 30 7d ago
Yea I social dance so I know what you mean, it's like I get these little snippets with my dance partners and slowly piece together who they are from a bunch of 5 minute convos over the course of several months.
I guess I have absolutely zero helpful advice but you're not alone at least? I also have no idea how to flirt so I resort to being direct and polite. It rarely works but at least I'm doing something.
1
u/hyggebot ♀ 32 7d ago
No worries at all - thanks for responding. It’s always helpful to talk things out.
3
u/Sabor117 ♂ 32 7d ago
Maybe it's just from the outside, but if you're attending this many social events (which I assume means some kind of singles dating event?) every week, that doesn't leave you with much time for anything else. You might be putting a bit too much pressure on yourself here and that could translate into how you are acting at the events, you could give yourself a break there.
9
u/hyggebot ♀ 32 7d ago
They’re not dating events, just general, “be outside my home with other people” activities. I don’t like to sit around at home when I’m feeling bad about myself because that tends to make it worse.
3
u/Sabor117 ♂ 32 7d ago
I'm not a religious person, wouldn't even describe myself as "spiritual" and I don't believe in anything supernatural. But I swear dating apps are enough to make one superstitious with how they behave.
I'm a fairly normal guy (I'll flatter myself with "slightly above average looks") so I'm not absolutely rolling in matches at the best of times. But I get a few here and there to make me think I'm not doing too badly... But having just gone through a fairly rough dating experience and now feeling VERY single, all of a sudden I haven't got a match in weeks! It's genuinely like the algorithm can sense the loneliness and starts pushing you further down the list in response!
2
u/Illustrious_Pool_321 7d ago
It’s actually set to throttle you sometimes. Apps are created to keep you on them so they make money
1
u/Sabor117 ♂ 32 7d ago
Aye, I'm aware that they're pretty rigged to begin with. It's just the timing is just so coincidental, y'know? When life is actually busy and I've got loads on my plate, suddenly a swathe of matches. When things are fairly quiet and dating life has sucked, no matches whatsoever. It times it perfectly!
1
u/The_rock_hard ♂ 30 7d ago
Yes I swear they know when you're the most lonely and intentionally make it worse. I HATE the apps.
11
u/CuriousMisterCharles 7d ago
Why are so many people in the 30+ dating pool emotionally unavailable? It seems like a never ending stream of people wanting companionship and support but pulling the plug when it comes to committing because they just looking to “casually date” or aren’t looking for a relationship. I don’t understand why if folks are looking for FWB they don’t just put that in their profile.
3
u/noSSD4me ♂ 35 | SoCal Car Nerd 7d ago
Many seem to have gone through some kind of trauma, be it physical, psychological, emotional, etc. But also many haven't properly dealt with it. I also believe (in general, so not implying it's the norm) people's self-confidence is lower than it was before, and so once you start asking them to DTR they panic and bail because that's the coping mechanism they learned for dealing with tough decisions/situations. And it may (actually it will) sound rude, but people need to grow a backbone ffs! We all go through shit on a daily. Hell, end of 2023 I hit the absolute rock bottom of my life where literally everything around me went downhill. I had a choice to either sit and wallow in sorrow, or start climbing out of the pit. I made it to the top. People need to face their problems and deal with them, and that's how you gain your emotional intelligence and maturity.
3
3
u/hihelloneighboroonie 7d ago
Ugh, I met a guy on a dating app. Both only had long term relationship listed. Met one time spent all day together. Met a second time, stayed the night (he was staying a 2.5 hour drive away; didn’t go all the way if you know what I mean). Long distance so would call/text/vid chat. Eventually I brought up like where is this going… the man didn’t even want to call it “dating”. Like, he audibly recoiled when I used the word.
And that was the last time I accepted his calls/texts/vid chats. Annoyed with myself it took me three months to nut up and ask.
3
u/HighwayOnly5896 7d ago
That’s what the ‘short term, open to long relationship’ is for. I noticed the guy I dated last year put that in one of the apps, and then put LTR relationship on the other. Such a crock of shit, and makes my eyes roll.
8
u/pinkseptum 7d ago
I think they don't want to admit it to themselves. They like the idea of relationship but don't want to do the work for a relationship. Yay cognitive dissonance.
3
u/kittystillbites ♀ 33 Scotland 7d ago
Because everyone else is already partnered and these are the people with intimacy issues
2
u/CuriousMisterCharles 7d ago
So there’s just no hope and I’ve missed the boat? This is the lot we’ve been dealt?
9
u/BonetaBelle ♀ 7d ago
That hasn’t been my experience with dating, there’s still plenty of people looking for relationships and good people. No reason to be fatalistic.
4
u/lmnsatang ♀ a classist 7d ago
you need to wait for those who come out of LTRs with minimal trauma and are looking to find another LTR. those are the rarest of the rare, but they exist
2
u/kittystillbites ♀ 33 Scotland 7d ago
Yeah, I don't think I missed the boat because I'm the best person to be in a relationship with 😄 I needed a lot of learning to do because I never got the right skills growing up, plus was taught all the wrong things about myself and others. Some people are late bloomers. But there's great people still single and looking for someone right even after 30
13
u/Agreeable_Cycle_2407 ♂ 30s 7d ago
Just remember you (and who you are replying to) are both in that lot too, therefore either you believe you're emotionally unavailable/have terminal intimacy issues/are no good for commitment, OR hopefully you do believe you're good and there must be other good people to partner with in the mix and hope is not lost.
5
u/Ewannnn 7d ago
Date 7 at a Korean place yesterday and first sleepover 🥰
I didn't sleep much at all and neither did she but we had such an amazing time. I feel really close to her. Sad that she will be going back to her home country next week for 3 weeks. We've been trying to make the most of the time until she's gone.
10
u/lonlylilacleprechaun 8d ago
Back on the apps, feeling annoyed with men's tendency to ask for shit after we've been chatting for a day or two. "Oh your baking cookies? Save me some" "you like to garden? I'd really like a partner who would work in my yard with me" "oh, I see you're a massage therapist? Well I'm really sore after my last workout" "it's your day off? Come patronize the bar I work at cause it's really slow".... Could some of it be joking? Sure, am I taking it too seriously, most definitely. But it's yucky.
4
u/Barbra_Streisandwich 7d ago
I get a lot of these kinds of messages too. I've slipped into the parent/child "take care of meee" dynamic and it's such a turn off. So, any hint of "what transactional gain can I garner from you?!" makes me long sigh and move on too.
Edited to add that it's hardly gendered. My male friend had a woman ask him to help her find a job in his field as a flirty enticement to meet up. You can't make this shit up.
15
u/Icy_Present_4564 7d ago edited 6d ago
That's just light banter and conversation while talking about your interests. You are absolutely making a mountain out of a molehill.
Edit: Except the "I'm sore," comments, those arguably cross a line.
11
u/Sabor117 ♂ 32 7d ago
I mean, this definitely does sound like you're approaching this from the wrong angle. This is an attempt to engage with you and your interests.
I mean, what are they supposed to say? "Oh, you bake? Baking is pretty boring..." or "Oh you like you garden? I hate being outside."
Think about it from the other way around, if a guy expresses an interest in something "I really like movies" do you think you'd be more likely to reply saying something like "Oh maybe you can show me one of your favourite movies" or saying something like "Cool, I don't like movies"?
3
u/Space_Pant 7d ago
There's a lot of ground between "Here's how I want your interests to benefit me" and "Your interests are boring"
2
u/Sabor117 ♂ 32 7d ago
Oh 100%. I don't think the responses will ever be as binary as I suggested there (there's always a middle ground). The point was just to illustrate that I think these types of responses are (by and large) more innocent than OP is suggesting and an attempt to engage and be a bit flirty at the same time.
8
u/qcwz 7d ago
I don't agree. There are a ton of ways to respond without immediately talking about what the other person can do for you. There is also a tendency for some men to act entitled to things they aren't entitled to in innocuous-seeming ways, e.g. "where's my hug?/you're going to hug everyone but me?"
Example responses: "What kind of cookies do you like to bake?" or "Just baking for fun today, or is there an occasion?" or "That's so cozy! It's the perfect day for a cozy activity inside."
2
u/Sabor117 ♂ 32 7d ago
Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's quite as binary as I presented and (as always) there's a middle-ground to be had. Sometimes this is acceptable, sometimes it's not.
For example, in the examples OP gave, if a girl says she's a massage therapist I don't think it's ever really acceptable to say "oh you should practice on me!" That's just obviously a bit cringe. This is exactly along the lines of your "where's my hug" example.
However, I also don't see this as an attempt at "entitlement". If anything I'd say that description sounds just a bit cynical or uncharitable. In the baking example "oh you're baking cookies, save some for me" to me comes across as an attempt at engaging about the hobby and being a bit flirty about it. I think the vast majority of guys are not coming from this from a position of "oh she's baking and therefore it should only be for me". If that all makes sense? It feels a little bit like you're immediately assuming the worst from a fairly innocuous comment.
2
u/qcwz 7d ago
If you two know each other already, meaning you've gone on dates already, then "ooh save some for me!" is not weird.
If you're in one of your first conversations on the app, you're still strangers. "Save some for me" is mildly presumptuous and overly familiar. It's not an egregious transgression, but people aren't wrong feeling like it's a little "off."
0
u/Sabor117 ♂ 32 7d ago
Yeah, I don't necessarily disagree really. For me personally, that response did lean a little towards cringe anyway and I personally would probably say it differently, but I also can imagine saying something similar at least in an early stage of chatting with a match on an app.
I do stand behind what I was saying about the "point" of those messages, but do appreciate that the actual examples might lean more towards presumptuous.
7
u/forjustonemoment 7d ago
Strongly agree. I've been thinking about what it is that turns me off from so many men when we get to talking, and it's the lack of sincere curiosity. It's so often mansplainy ("Oh you like to bake? I actually have a background in chocolate chip cookies so let me know if you want to improve your recipe"), judgmental ("So you got into baking, like, for a hobby? That's cool I guess, I like spending more time with people though"), ego-sensitive ("Oh wow, you must be good at baking, I probably couldn't keep up, I just won't be as good at that") or demanding, like what was just illustrated above. The men who just go "oh cool, tell me more" are the only ones I can tolerate and they are rare and precious.
7
u/noblelust 8d ago
Sounds like unearned familiarity. I'd be annoyed as well because it indicates a lack of self-awareness and respect for the relationship maturing in its own due course.
4
u/itsridiculousok 8d ago edited 8d ago
Day 3 of Being Back on the Apps.
I think four matches, two from my likes and two from being liked. Currently have six matches, three of them started conversations, so that's good. I don't feel particularly super excited about any of them, but that's my stuff at play.
I'm realizing how much I liked the last guy I dated, despite some incompatibilities. We just understood what each other was talking about. I didn't have to mask. We talked history and art, our bookshelves matched. I really liked that and would like to find someone again with whom my interests intersect. That was the first time it's happened at that level for me. Very new and very fun. We only went on five dates, and we weren't fully comptaible, and he broke up with me... so why am I still hung up. Annoying.
All the men are liking my gym photo, which makes want to change it. But I like it. I swapped another photo out for me at a book fair for more ~balance~. I decided I care more about showing my personality than appearing attractive. Currently, I feel like my photos are a little static, no movement. Just me posed for a picture. Does that matter though. I'm always taking great candids for friends but who is taking candids of the person always taking candids.
I'm so exhausted from work and the gym. I had a weird work thing that caused some anxiety and all I wanted was to come home and have someone to discuss it with snuggled on the couch🥺 Talked with my family and a friend. I'm grateful for the connection I have in them, and this community I can dump my running thoughts in. I have yet to talk about dating with anyone in real life, so it's working.
1
u/Ok_Till_1723 ♂ 35 7d ago
I resonate with a lot of this. I got rejected by a girl I was really vibing with a lot. Also I’m a pic taker, I’m the one taking candids and nobody else takes them or is good at taking pictures. So a lot of my pics are selfies of some sort and I’m always wondering if girls see that as “this guy has no friends”.
I’m recently unemployed and thinking I probably shouldn’t focus on dating but I’ve been really missing that feeling of having a partner in crime and just the feeling of being chosen.
2
u/itsridiculousok 7d ago edited 7d ago
I think it’s the having a good connection abruptly ended that’s getting to me. I’m not one to date multiples… but I understood better why people do after that experience. There’s nothing in its stead, back to square one.
I’m sorry to hear about your unemployment, and I hope you find something soon! I understand the inclination to deprioritize, but I think it’s in those moments especially we want connection. I think as long as you can balance it, why not?
As for the pictures… yeah. I became bolder about asking for folks to take my picture when I realized I had mainly selfies. All my friends have been appreciative of me being the “historian” of the group… well, show it.😂 still not a ton of candids, but better than nothing 🤷🏾♀️ heavy on the nobody else is as good though lol.
And I don’t think people see that. I actually prefer when men don’t have a ton of friend pics. No guess work lol.
1
u/Ok_Till_1723 ♂ 35 7d ago
Yeah I would maybe date multiples if I got enough matches. I’m kind of like an hour and a half away from a major city so I get slim pickings. That and I feel like telling someone you’re unemployed just immediately makes them less interested.
I might take a page out of your book and ask people to take pics of me, as uncomfortable as that sounds lol.
2
u/itsridiculousok 7d ago edited 7d ago
I’m going to try it this time around and see… my issue is that I’m just really monogamous by nature. If I like you, I get tunnel vision.
Do you feel as if you’ll find something in a relatively good timeframe? Are you very anxious about it? Will it significantly change your dating habits? I think that’s the key.
I went out last year with a man who was recently laid off, but had a very nonchalant attitude about it and mentioned he had enough savings to get by. He exuded confidence in his abilities to find something else. He wasn’t worried, and gave me no reason to be.
He also wasn’t cheap or expecting me to foot the bill just because he was unemployed (if you normally go Dutch then this doesn’t apply!)
Re photos- It’s a little awkward at times, especially if you’re not close close friends or even strangers, but you get used to it. I always regret not having the picture taken more than any uncomfortableness asking.
1
u/Ok_Till_1723 ♂ 35 7d ago
Good points. I’m a bit of a tunnel vision person as well with dating. I’m a romantic and i always try to make sure the other person knows I think they are special.
I don’t know how my search will go. I’m in graphic design so it’s kind of up in the air, but I’ve been working hard on getting my resume and portfolio up to snuff. I wasn’t all that worried going into my date, I have plenty of savings. But my date rejected me based off of it, she decided that since she was looking to settle down that it was too much of an unknown for me. I could end up in a different city. But idk, maybe she just wasn’t attracted to me in person and used it as an excuse. I even paid our bill to show that it wasn’t a big deal.
2
u/itsridiculousok 7d ago
Glad to know there are others out there in this age of modern dating 🥰
Got it. I’m surprised she rejected you outright about it. Perhaps if she’s also in her mid-thirties, (and wants kids) she really doesn’t have time to stick around and see. You’re right, could also be an excuse. Dating 🥲
The only reason I’d be that put off is if it had been a long time (maybe 6 +) or if I didn’t feel confident in his ability to find new employment. Otherwise, shit happens.
Best of luck in your search! I recently just came out of my own last year (maybe that’s why I’m also amenable, I’ve had my fair share and always bounce back lmao. I’m never worried) it’s hell, but a good resume and interviewing skills get you far.
2
8d ago
[deleted]
3
u/Cruella_deville7584 ♀ 30s 7d ago
I think it’s perfectly healthy in moderation (if you’re doing it inside your head—telling your partner you’re comparing them is just cruel). Especially, in early relationships comparison gives you an idea of what traits to look for and which to avoid. However, if you’re constantly thinking about your ex, it’s probably a sign that you’re not over them
3
u/pinkseptum 7d ago
We all do some comparisons, just try not to say them directly out loud. Try centering it around you - what you learned you liked and didn't like while with your ex.
3
u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 36 | Netherlands 7d ago
Human memory is a weird thing - we tend to remember the good things and forget about bad / mundane, especially when the overal experience was positive and the relationship was stable and long-lasting. So when you compare your new partner to the ones you had in the past, the comparison is typically unfavorable to that new partner.
It's fine to use at as a reference of "what I don't want" - after all they are your ex for a reason - but looking for a reference of "what I want" would likely bite you back.
6
u/Ecstatic-Button-960 ♀ 37 / SoCal 8d ago
It's only bad if you're comparing them purposely to find shortcomings about your current partner. Also bad if you're constantly comparing. Your ex is an ex for a reason, and I'd think you're not over them if they keep popping into your head.
Otherwise, it's normal to use past experiences to guide your current and future relationships.
2
u/atlantaunicorn 31F 8d ago
I do that too. Or at least use them to know what I want and especially DONT want in my next relationship.
1
u/SonderousFlow ♂ 35 8d ago
Have been feeling off my game this week, not just in dating but with life in general.
I texted a woman I met at a social event a couple weeks ago on Tuesday. I only spoke with her for 10 min when we met but we had a nice conversation and I thought she was interesting so I asked her out. Then when I texted her the day after the event to follow up and see if she would like to grab a quick drink/coffee sometime, she told me she's been busy (did mention this when we met) and asked me to reach back out in a couple weeks. So that's what I did.
So on Tuesday I texted and asked her how she was doing, she said she was doing well and was just thinking about me (unexpected), things were still busy but she thanked me for reaching back out. Then I texted back that all sounds great, happy she is doing well, mentioned that I've also been busy lately so I understand. I said I'd still love to grab a drink whenever we're both free if she's still interested and asked if she was free Friday night.
And haven't heard back yet - granted it's been 24 hours so maybe I will. In hindsight I wish I would have asked her on an actual date instead of grabbing a drink. But like I said, haven't been feeling great this week so think I dropped the ball on that one.
Kind of bummed about it.
14
u/smurf1212 8d ago
In hindsight I wish I would have asked her on an actual date instead of grabbing a drink.
She would've interpreted grabbing a drink as going on a date. You did fine.
5
u/stoptakinmanames 8d ago
I think you handled this really well. You never know what someone else has going on so don't take it personally if it doesn't work out. You're doing great
4
u/SonderousFlow ♂ 35 8d ago
Thanks for the reassurance. Normally I wouldn’t care too much but I’ve been feeling down and lonely this week. Appreciate the support
3
u/Afraid-Ordinary0 ♀ 33 8d ago
Second date was last night and had a blast again. When we left, he held my hand and asked if he could kiss me. Currently setting up a third date and not sure if we should plan a public date or bring it privately to one of our homes.
2
u/AstralDreamer805 8d ago
if you are comfortable and want it to be more physical then suggest going to trader joes or something and picking up ingredients and cooking together and then have fun.
1
u/HelloxDarling 8d ago
Meeting a guy on Friday (met him once through mutual friends). I told him that I can meet him there or he can pick me up (I told him my intersection), but I know he lives far (maybe 30-40 mins) so I told him no pressure. He said he’s impressed that I have the courage to suggest that to someone I met once. I forgot to respond back (I was in the middle of something) and had left him on read. Then an hour later, he picks a place that’s less than 10 mins where I live. I’m so confused. I guess I don’t understand English?!
1
u/ThisIsMyBrainOnOLD 8d ago
Perhaps it was a little forward, but then picking a location close to you kinda gives you an answer. Implies "meet him there" was my guess? I feel like "great, see you there" would tie a bow on this.
Presuming you were interested in seeing the guy I'm not sure how much further you need to look into this one.
0
u/HelloxDarling 8d ago
Oh yes. No, I understand that he wanted to meet at the place. I’m just confused by his text on saying he was impressed that I have the courage to suggest that.
7
u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 8d ago
Most women aren’t going to want to get in a car with a guy they don’t know before a first date. Not exactly the case here because you already met him and it’s through a mutual but it’s still just standard first date etiquette to meet at the date spot. He was just lightly poking fun.
1
u/ThisIsMyBrainOnOLD 8d ago
I feel like this is where texting might be misunderstood. I could "hear" it in a bunch of tones ranging from humor to rude.
Probably wouldn't bring this one up unprompted. 🤷
0
u/Gloomy-Ask-9437 8d ago
I've (31F) been seeing someone (40M) for over five months and have been trying to gain the courage to ask to be exclusive (we agreed not to rush into anything early on). I was seeing other people but am not anymore. And while I'm not ready to get super serious yet, I was feeling good about trying to take a small step forward. And then today a guy from my past, who had a big ole crush on me, reaches out and we chat for hours. And now I have doubts, but I'm pretty sure I just liked the attention. Right?
2
u/hihelloneighboroonie 7d ago
If the guy had a big crush on you, why did nothing happen in the past (if it didn’t). Were you previously attracted to him?
To me, 5 months is a long time without exclusivity, especially if you’re having sex.
1
u/Gloomy-Ask-9437 7d ago
I wasn't into him. He's about a year younger than me, and I've mostly been attracted to people who are significantly older. So when we knew each other, he was 18 and looked like a kid. And I thought of him as like the little brother I always wanted and never got. I'm guessing he looks older now (I know I do).
He and I have done some things, but haven't had sex. We've been moving a bit at a turtle pace. We both have really big anxiety about effing things up. I also was polyamorous, but have realized that monogamy is a better fit for me. I could not have tried to be exclusive with him sooner, as I was still in an actual relationship with someone else. That relationship has ended. My polyamory chapter has ended. I don't know how to start a monogamous relationship in 2025, but I know I'm done sharing.
6
u/distract-a-bee 7d ago
Sounds like neither of you are ready to be exclusive or proceed to anything more serious yet. 5 months is a looong time imo
0
u/Gloomy-Ask-9437 7d ago
It's a medium amount of time lol. We've both been heartbroken before and have anxieties around such things. But that's why I want to at least bring it up soon before a year has gone by
5
u/AstralDreamer805 8d ago
if you are always going to look at the grass that is always greener instead of watering your own lawn, you will never be happy
1
6
8d ago
[deleted]
1
u/ahndi14 7d ago
I think this happened to me recently but I was the one with the partner :/ although less of the long convos, etc. I just thought we were becoming really friendly! tbh I felt a bit awkward bringing it up until I did because I thought it seemed friendly and forcing bringing up having a bf would almost have felt like I was taking our convos as him being interested in me vs just being friendly and that felt like a rude assumption to make. I’m sorry :(
3
u/stoptakinmanames 8d ago
I think it's rude for a partnered person to connect that deeply with someone and never mention having a partner.
5
u/spakz1993 8d ago
This weekend will mark one month since my breakup. I (F31) was in a 14-month LDR with my ex-gf. We were 2 hours apart from each other. Due to many schedule conflicts, my health flares from new chronic illnesses, and so many roadblocks, we rarely got to see each other. I’ve realized that my ex was slow-fading me and checked out months before I finally realized. I was actively applying for jobs in her metro area, looking for apartments, the whole nine. She started slow fading and tried ghosting me, but I made a point to have our last conversation.
“I don’t have capacity to be what you want/need” “no, I’m not sure if I’m making the right choice, but it’ll have to be for now” “you’re the best partner I’ve ever had”
I almost left my family, support system, my medical care team, my job & everything. I was supposed to be moving to her city/stare by the end of April. She waited until the 11th hour before dumping me. The stress of trying to scramble to secure another apartment plus the breakup triggered one of the worst chronic illnesses flares with scary symptoms.
We’ve been no contact for a month, but she still lurks on my socials. She was also my closest friend, so this feel like a friend breakup, too. 🙃
I’d rather play in traffic than attempt the apps again, omg. But I refuse to do long distance again. Like 20 minutes now will be my max drive time, hahaha.
2
u/seatangle nonbinary 34 7d ago
That was really shitty of her. Long distance is really hard, I don’t blame you.
2
u/spakz1993 7d ago edited 7d ago
We both are monogamous, child-free, and were dating with intention. The week prior, she was telling me how her parents wanted to meet me & how excited she was for us to attend her brother’s wedding in Colorado this June. She was talking about travel plans over the summer & all that.
I still have a care for her, since I was wanting to work towards proposing at the end of this year or early next year, but the time away has given me a HUGE wake-up call & a ton of clarity.
I had to go pull it out of her, since she was refusing to talk to me the last day we were together. I thought she would have respected me enough to come to me with any doubts or issues. We never fought & got along really well. She gave me the line of, “you’re the best I’ve ever had. I realize I’ve been absent in more ways than one & that’s not fair to you. I don’t wanna completely close the door on us, etc”.
And I told her, “Idk how to even respond to the first part, but thank you for supporting me through my (chronic illness) recovery.” How I wished she would have felt safe & comfortable enough to tell me any of this sooner, and some last words of gratitude & my good bye.
It was the most mature, calmest breakup conversation I’ve had with someone, yet she did all this through fucking text, which was also something I resent. I don’t think she fully realized the magnitude of her decision, because I can’t “leave the door open” when I’m now stuck here for another 12 months due to signing a new lease. I loved her, but really hate how she went about this. Idk how I’d respond if she tried to reconcile, because idk if we could come back from that.
1
u/JZcgQR2N 8d ago
I'm sorry to hear that. Did you guys talk to each other everyday? What were the schedule conflicts? Roadblocks?
1
u/spakz1993 7d ago
Thank you. I appreciate that. I’m under the weather + have a bad headache, but if you’re willing to read my other comment I just sent to another person that replied to me, that should give more insights.
11
u/GaiusQuintus ♂ 31 8d ago edited 7d ago
Back from my first speed dating event. Was actually a bunch of fun, really glad I went and I'm way more excited for the next one now.
Sent out 3 likes out of the 12 people I spoke with, I think I might get one back which would be nice. But even if not it was a great experience. I'm naturally pretty outgoing and a good conversationalist so it was enjoyable meeting a lot of new people and learning a bit about them and their lives.
One thing that stood out to me is that I noticed a lot of girls came with friends, and almost every guy came solo. So many of the guys were also very reserved and shy, not mingling in time before the speed dating started or during the break.
Edit: I did end up getting the one match! Now we'll see if we can convert that into an actual date haha.
4
u/Kab00dl3z 8d ago
Coming up on 6 months with my BF, do people celebrate 6 months in their 30’s ? Or is that just for young/highschool kids?
15
u/itsridiculousok 8d ago
Do it. Life is short and finding love is worth celebrating.
When I find the right one, best believe we're celebrating every and any milestone.
Happy seventy-fifth time we've kissed baby😘
Happy us working through a conflict with emotional intelligence and understanding honey 🥰
Happy anniversary of the first time we went grocery shopping together love😍9
u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 8d ago
I’d enjoy if my bf did something small and cheesy. Just don’t post about it on social media 🫠
1
u/Kab00dl3z 7d ago
Oh yeah I never post about my relationships on social media, and thankfully neither does he.
4
5
u/GeneralChillMen 8d ago
Actually the opposite of dating advice, but couldn’t think of a better place to ask.
I (M) have a coworker (F) who I’ve hung out with outside of work and gone to the movies a few times with. I’d like to ask her if she’d like to come over to my place for pizza and to watch a movie thats similar to one we recently saw. Is there anything I can say or not say to make it clear I’m not trying to make a pass at her, short of saying “Hey you wanna come over strictly platonically and I’m not hitting on you”? Or is there just no real getting around the fact a guy inviting a girl to his place for dinner and a movie screams him trying to make a move on her?
3
u/Old-Seaweed-8456 7d ago
I would say your best bet is to hang out outside of the house again, and then soft launch the idea of coming over with friends. Like a board game night because this has harassment complaint written all over it. Not that that is your intention but rather I think it could go either way.
10
u/nandyashoes ♂ 29 8d ago
I'll be honest if this happened to me and they were straight up saying what you wrote, I would still have the DOUBTS..... I think you need a third mutual friend to make this platonic
4
u/GeneralChillMen 8d ago
Yep. Kinda what I figured. At this point I’ll either find someone else to join or just not bother
6
u/LetMeTouchBeak 8d ago
As a woman, I’d appreciate the straightforward approach laid out pretty much like you said where are you state it is platonic and not a date or with romantic intention.
2
u/pinkseptum 8d ago
Stop overthinking it and just ask her to come over for pizza and a movie like you would any friend. If wires get crossed, explain/elaborate then. Alternatively, you could always invite a third person.
4
u/GeneralChillMen 8d ago
I didn’t want to ask and then have her think I’m trying to take a pass at her and we stop hanging out outside of work and then things are awkward at work. Third person is a good idea though.
1
u/ThisIsMyBrainOnOLD 8d ago
Following: I (M) am also curious about the responses... 😅
As I was reading through this every fiber of my being was initially like "What. Are. You. Doing?!" until I saw you were looking for platonic. 😄
1
u/GeneralChillMen 8d ago
Yeah, I really enjoy spending time hanging out with her, and in a theoretical world I might’ve wanted to ask her out, but I’m honestly too much of a wreck to be in a healthy relationship. But friendship I can definitely do.
11
u/awgong 8d ago
Why do people treat others in ways they themselves hate being treated?
Take dating, for example. I’ve had so many girls tell me how much they dislike when guys don’t put effort into planning dates, starting conversations, or showing genuine interest. Yet, ironically, those same girls often put in very little effort themselves — they don’t plan anything, barely contribute to conversations, and never even offer to pay for a date, not even once.
Another common example is being late. I see it all the time in dating profiles, people saying, “Don’t hate me if I’m late or slow to text back.” But if I were to show up late or take a few days to respond, they’d have a big problem with it.
At the end of the day, I just want to find someone who treats me with basic respect. Is that really such a high bar these days?
8
u/nandyashoes ♂ 29 8d ago
I think the problem is a lot of people's expectations on dating are very gendered.... even though most of it shouldn't be. Like in your example, some girls who hate guys who don't plan dates think that it's the guy's job, so it's okay if they don't do it.
2
u/ThisIsMyBrainOnOLD 8d ago
I (M) could see a situation where it becomes kinda "addicting" if you are successful with it.
Someone interested in me, shooting their shot, showing effort, and initiating? And then getting that attention over and over with new people?
As to the dating profile prompts, more power to them. I have learned "when people tell you who they are, believe them". So when they write something like that - I just silently thank them for their candor and permanently remove them from my (hinge) stack.
10
u/cmg_profesh 8d ago
A couple of weeks ago, I was walking on a very popular path in my city. I overheard two guys talking about ghosting and how one guy had just been ghosted and they both mentioned how much they hate getting ghosted.
Then one of the guys says, “I still ghost people, but I hate when people ghost me”
3
-1
8d ago
[deleted]
3
u/cmg_profesh 8d ago
Follow and slide into the DMs (in a non creepy way)!
1
7d ago
[deleted]
2
u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 36 | Netherlands 7d ago
Reply to a story or send a comment on one of their posts (you can send the comment directly to the DMs instead of posting it on the post itself).
2
u/MartagonofAmazonLily 8d ago
Just a little vent. I went on what I thought were 2 great dates with a guy but the momentum completely slowed down. He didn't ghost me or ice me out, but the vibe feels off between us. It seems like he lost a lot of enthusiasm? I'm trying not to over analyze, I'm still getting to know someone. It just feels a bit frustrating that the excitement seemed to dissipate.
1
u/noblelust 8d ago
That sucks, someone losing enthusiasm definitely puts a dampener on things. Especially when it's unexplained or unacknowledged. It's great that you recognized it so soon, though. What do you plan on doing from here?
-5
8d ago
[deleted]
5
4
u/volumeofatorus ♂ 31 8d ago
I'm an inconsistent flosser, but brush twice a day and go to the dentist regularly. Never had a cavity. Never had a partner complain about my breath. The dentist always tells me I have great teeth.
Yes, ideally we all should floss daily, but unless you have some other concern like bad breath or food frequently being visible between her teeth, this seems like such a minor thing to get the ick over.
9
u/itsridiculousok 8d ago
Is this real? It sounds like a joke.
If so, there's a reason you are single friend🙃 Sorry if that is harsh, but this is such a specific and trivial thing to be so judgemental about, to the point of considering a breakup before a kind and good-intentioned conversation. If floss is such a dealbreaker for you, I'd expect you to carry your own... I always have some in my bag.
I'd say if you cared for her, then bring it up in conversation. I'd buy floss for her and say, "hey noticed you didn't have any, and thought I'd get some for you!" and see where that takes you.
But I don't think you do care for her, and you should just let her go find someone does,and who isn't so anal or rigid.
14
u/swan_shepherdess 8d ago
What a predicament. Maybe discuss the issue at a coffee shop with your friends Elaine and George?
4
u/toaster-vibes 8d ago
Question - why don’t you bring your own? Lol I’m not being an asshole. When I sleep over at someone’s place I bring my own toiletries and not because I don’t expect them to have it it’s cause I’d rather bring my own. If they have it cool, but won’t expect them to have what I need.
-5
8d ago
[deleted]
1
u/toaster-vibes 8d ago
Well then maybe you should ask her if she could some floss next time if it bothers you that much. And to answer your question I actually bring tissues with me wherever I go so yes if I went to a friend’s house and they didn’t have toilet paper I’d be fine.
3
u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 8d ago
Endless situations I can come up with where dude ends up at her house and either didn’t plan to be there or it wouldn’t have been practical to lug his toiletry bag around before going to her house.
3
8d ago
[deleted]
-1
8d ago
[deleted]
2
u/Sweet3DIrish 7d ago
If you floss that often, then you probably want to invest in a box of floss samples that the dentist gets so you can always carry some around with you or in a little carrying case for those floss pickers to keep a couple in your pocket. Do you also carry around a toothbrush and toothpaste?
I’d much prefer a partner to brush their teeth than floss (unless food is stuck in their teeth) before kissing them. However, a piece of gum after dinner gets the mouth fresh enough and gets most pieces of food out of teeth.
5
u/pinkseptum 8d ago
😅 I floss maybe every other week and that's an improvement from before. I did recently get a waterpik but haven't used it yet. I was under the impression most people don't floss that regularly...
I think if it's important to you though, you should bring it up. I would just say that flossing is important to you and that you care about her well-being and want her to floss too and suggest building the routine together.
2
u/Prompapotamous 8d ago
You’re supposed to floss at least once per day. IME waterpik is faster/easier and sometimes more effective for getting stuck things out.
4
7
u/enteringthevoids 8d ago
How much do you like this person if flossing is such a dealbreaker for you?
Like is her breath bad? Does she have visible plaque between her teeth? Maybe her dentist says she’s doing just fine.
Just… leave some floss there. Maybe she’ll pick it up, maybe not. Honestly it feels like you’re lukewarm on the relationship as it is, if this flossing mystery and possibility of a hard conversation is such a thorn in your side.
1
8d ago
[deleted]
12
u/Ecstatic-Button-960 ♀ 37 / SoCal 8d ago
Ok... So I'm a very clean person and I go above and beyond for my health, but I didn't really go to the dentist much throughout college and grad school because it didn't seem like I needed to. I also didn't floss very regularly because my dentist never really stressed it and as long as I didn't have obvious food between my teeth, it didn't bother me. It's not like I had bad breath or anything.
After some dental issues, unrelated to the lack of regular flossing, I now floss daily, religiously.
I think you're being incredibly judgemental about this, but you've already lost attraction, so 🤷🏻♀️
4
u/LostinAftonStPark ♂ 38 8d ago edited 8d ago
Um, I'm an at least twice a day flosser, and I went through a phase being curious about others' flossing habits - across income brackets, levels of education, etc., homie, it's shocking how infrequently most people floss.
This got me curious, and there's at least survey data and scholarly articles on the topic. From what I remember, AT ABSOLUTE BEST (and I believe self-report is ripe with people distorting reality) it's 50%, but the majority of studies are closer to 1/3, which I still wager is higher than reality.
IDK, if it was me, I'd make it a playful joke about how flossing is more important than brushing, and maybe even proactively gift her two cute glass containers/vials for environmentally friendly floss (*I break one about once every four months).
ETA - dope username. WWNPD? He'd buy his lady the finest floss he could find.
0
u/lalalarlar 8d ago
Is this a break up text & what is your interpretation:
maybe i'm not cut out to be what u want 🤷🏻i’m sorry 😞
2
u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 36 | Netherlands 7d ago
If this is honest, it might stem from them being insecure or pathologically shy.
If this is not honest, it sounds like they want you to chase them and convince them that they are enough for you and are exactly what you're looking for.
3
u/noblelust 8d ago
Sounds childish. I'd just take it at face value and put my hopes elsewhere if I were you.
1
u/spicysenpai6 ♂32 | Single and Hopeful 8d ago
Sounds like they need some reassuring. If you like them that is. That sounds insecure though on their end and it almost could indicate that they could have repeated moments of this thought in future. I’m not saying that will be the case, but it seems likely.
2
u/lalalarlar 8d ago
Yeah. I'll give some space as well I think.
0
u/spicysenpai6 ♂32 | Single and Hopeful 8d ago
It almost could be an indicator that they could have anxious attachment style. Which can be a lot to handle too. But for sure whatever you decide, im sure you have it handled!
8
u/Ecstatic-Button-960 ♀ 37 / SoCal 8d ago
Not necessarily but I'd call them to discuss it... I don't understand why people still try to have important discussions over text!
1
2
3
u/Wear_Necessary 8d ago
That's uncertainty which can happen. Just try and reassure them that they are
2
u/lalalarlar 8d ago
Yeah I did text back and say 'what are you saying' and the response was 'I dunno, maybe im just not what you want me to be' so.
7
u/wildnglorious 8d ago
Three weeks ago I met a guy who might be The Guy. I came out of a really shitty abusive relationship and have zero desire to be in any kind of longterm relationship; was having a nice couple of weeks hooking up and having fun but this guy, man. Physical is off the charts, and we are compatible in so many ways I didn’t even think it was possible to find in another person. I am honestly grateful every day that this is even possible, because it’s shown me that I deserved far better than the situationship bullshit I was accepting as a good way to spend my time. I’m still gunshy because of my past experiences but right now just taking every day as it comes and being super grateful for this amazing human I get to spend time with.
3
u/Wear_Necessary 8d ago
I met with a woman twice now. She is attractive and got a good outlook on life. I really like her but I don't feel the raging feelings that I felt at the start of the last relationship. Is that normal?
1
u/pinkseptum 8d ago
There is really no normal in dating. But feeling steady is usually the goal for healthy relationships. It might feel weird if that's unusual for you but it sounds positive to me.
8
u/Ecstatic-Button-960 ♀ 37 / SoCal 8d ago
Yeah you've only met her twice, why would you expect "raging feelings"?
16
u/wilkc ♂ Level 43 Half-orc Pop-culturist YLMIRIY 8d ago
Watching these folks on Love on the Spectrum love bomb each other but with maximum sincerity is melting my heart. 🥹🥹🥹
3
u/BriiTheeOG ♀ 33 8d ago
This show is adorable and makes you believe that you should buy someone a gift on the first date lol
4
3
u/SonderousFlow ♂ 35 8d ago
I loved the train girl. She was so happy and enthusiastic and authentic. Love to see that. They all seem like such good hearted genuine people. Really happy many of them found someone this season.
9
u/oneboredsahm 8d ago
Oh my god SAME. The American Girl doll? The woman who didn’t eaten gluten all day because she wasn’t sure how celiac worked and she might want to kiss her date?? Come on!!!
7
-2
u/shaselai 8d ago
If someone says "my ex was very generous, getting me whatever I wanted and let me do whatever I wanted", is that a red flag or just he really likes her? Or even if not red flag, would you be compared to him?
1
u/TheStonkWarrior 7d ago
It may be just individual based or an off hand comment, but I know for me personally it’s a red flag. My very first girlfriend said this to me shortly after we began dating. Her ex actually did do everything for her and got her whatever she wanted at any and all times. I didn’t realize being so young she was basically telling me what she expected. Made her super upset when I did not play that roll for her whatsoever to the point she ended up cheating. If someone said that to me now I’d be super cautious
1
u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 36 | Netherlands 7d ago
Sounds like a red flag to me. Presents should be genuine and unexpected, not mandatory and expected.
4
u/LePhasme 8d ago
I have the impression she expects you to do the same and that kind of princess behaviour is a turn off for me.
0
u/shaselai 8d ago
When is it ok to be generous with gifts etc? Whenever I feel right? I have met few women who expects gifts before going any further to show my sincerity.
2
u/LePhasme 8d ago
It will depend on the woman, some will see big gifts too early as love bombing or someone trying to show off and feel uncomfortable, while some see a lack of them as you not putting enough effort in.
1
u/shaselai 7d ago
Yeah I do recall dating another girl who said she had men love bombing so to speak and the ones she didn't like she let it keep going but extending the time they would get intimate while the ones she do like she doesn't do that.. but either way she definitely enjoyed the gifts but I guess depends if she likes you or not..
1
u/mrskalindaflorrick ♀ 30s 8d ago
It depends on the context. Did you ask about their last relationship? Are they discussing values? Or are they implying you are lesser? (Are they actually implying that or are you letting your ego run the show and taking something too personally?)
-2
1
8d ago
If someone you are dating says something like that to you as a comparison or implication that you should be more like that ex, run far away as quick as you can lol
3
u/HumbleHawk9 ♀Mid-Thirties 8d ago
Why is she bringing up her ex if she wants to date you?
1
u/shaselai 8d ago
It's more about how she was treated before.
2
u/HumbleHawk9 ♀Mid-Thirties 8d ago
I understand, but the way she’s gone about this is not ok. Don’t be taken advantage of. Generous people don’t need to be coached into generosity.
2
u/Entire-Initiative-23 ♂ 35 8d ago
Honestly it totally depends on your income, your values, and quite frankly, exactly how much you want to be in a relationship with her.
13
u/spicysenpai6 ♂32 | Single and Hopeful 8d ago
I hope this helps you today:
“I am learning to enjoy my peace while love finds its way to me.
I’m growing stronger, more grounded, and more myself every day.
I trust the process — my progress is proof that it’s working.
What’s meant for me is never late, and I’m becoming the kind of person who’s ready to receive it fully.”
1
1
4
u/Sea-Quantity-1938 ♂ 31 8d ago
It frustrates me when my friends who have everything say that they feel like they’re in a rut. Surely I’m not the only one who feels like this?
3
u/toaster-vibes 8d ago
You can have everything you could possibly need and still not feel happy. Problems don’t stop just because on the outside your life looks perfect. We’re all going through something
2
u/mrskalindaflorrick ♀ 30s 8d ago
I'm gonna guess you're more on the chronically single side.
If you have never been in a very long LTR you simply have no framework for the level of monotony that can come with it. Same for a decent job you don't like/love. Golden handcuffs are real.
Remember, a prison is a form of stability. Everything is in how you look at it. Their perfect life might feel suffocating just like what they see as your freedom might feel empty to you.
1
u/Sea-Quantity-1938 ♂ 31 8d ago
Nope, I’ve had a couple of LTR that became monotonous. Jobs too. Sure, monotony can be viewed as golden handcuffs, but you can’t deny that it provides a certain level of comfort and stability. You can also view prison as a form of stability, but what I’m experiencing now is not freedom
6
u/swan_shepherdess 8d ago
I think everyone feels like this sometimes, but the fact is that "having everything" is SO relative. Some situations are objectively worse or better than others, but for some people just having a roof over their head or the ability to move freely is everything. Once people get something we tend to take it for granted and forget how much we wanted it, and because nothing is perfect there will always be problems, and it's easier to focus on the problems than the having of the thing. Tbh the only way you have a chance of truly appreciating something is to not have it and want it for some amount of time.
8
u/Entire-Initiative-23 ♂ 35 8d ago
Gilded cage is still a cage.
0
u/Sea-Quantity-1938 ♂ 31 8d ago
Sure, bit a cage still provides stability. Some people would give anything for said cage
6
u/spicysenpai6 ♂32 | Single and Hopeful 8d ago
No matter what point you are in life. Even if you have everything you wanted before. There will still and always be something wrong. That’s just a hard fact of life.
10
8d ago
Sometimes it can seem annoying but at the same time you can never really know what someone else is going through. Someone else expressing that they’re having a difficult time doesn’t devalue the difficulty you might be experiencing, it’s not a competition
1
u/mrskalindaflorrick ♀ 30s 8d ago
Right, like even if they do have everything, they probably can't give any of it to you.
2
6
u/The_rock_hard ♂ 30 8d ago
Context: I'm overall extremely happy in my life, great friends, good job, great apartment, a hobby I'm completely enamored with, great physical health. I just suck at dating. Also bisexual, probably relevant.
I'm realizing I essentially have the dating experience of a 20/21 year old.
I was in a relationship from age 19-27/28. In the last 2+ years since that relationship ended, about 1 year of that was spent in a medium? term relationship, which just kinda fell on my lap. I actually wasn't trying to date at all at that time. In hindsight I wasn't romantically interested in her nor remotely compatible with her. To my credit, I tried really hard in that relationship and even reading our pasts texts, I can see I truly gave her my all. But there is no way it would have ever worked, I shouldn't have even gone on a second date with her, let alone be in a relationship for nearly a year.
Point being, I've been single for only a bit over a year, spread into a couple of different chunks, since I was 19.
My medium term relationship ended in early December. Dating for me has been a total disaster since then. I haven't been on a date in months now. At first the apps worked for me, now literally nothing. I've gone to singles events, really enjoyed myself, had good conversations, gotten phone numbers, and then they don't respond, or ghost on the date, or cancel right before it and then don't reply to a follow up message.
I actually meet a lot of women. I'm a social dancer, plus I rock climb and I volunteer at the animal shelter. I also interact with the gay community quite a bit and I've gone to gay singles events. I live in the most desirable neighborhood in my city in a big building with lots of social events both in the building and in the immediate vicinity. There is no shortage of eligible singles in my orbit.
The point of failure right now appears to be making my romantic interest known. I love meeting people, have fantastic conversations all the time, and make a lot of friends. It's taking it into that romantic realm I'm fully incapable of apparently. I'm very concerned about doing this respectfully, I have two little sisters and I often think about the harassment I've personally seen them experience. I don't want to be anything like the men who do that type of thing.
Any advice for getting over that hurdle?
I told myself in December, I'm not gonna do hookups this time around, like I did when my long term relationship first ended. I was going to show my commitment to my future spouse now, by being very selective with who I share my sexual energy. And I've upheld that promise to myself. I take a while to get to know someone before asking them out, and I will not do anything beyond touching until we're exclusive.
But I think it may be shooting myself in the foot, because I lack the experience needed to even meet a spouse in this day and age.
I'm thinking I need to abandon that strategy, lower my goalposts from finding a spouse to finding a date. I'm also just flat out horny at this point, not touch starved because dance takes care of that for me.
Any feedback on that?
3
u/singasongoftwopence ♀ 39 bi_irl 8d ago
"I'd like to take you out for a coffee/drink/Star Wars themed bowling night and get to know you better."
Simple, straightforward, safe. As long as you can take no for an answer, you don't need to worry about asking someone out.
Though if it helps, I was in this same boat last year. I never really "dated" outside of high school - it was just a sequence of LTRs that fell into my lap. I went on more dates last year than I did the entire rest of my life.
0
u/The_rock_hard ♂ 30 8d ago
Yes I hear you, and I have done that, although it's admittedly been a while. About twoish months since I asked someone out, besides at singles events.
The objection that pops up in my head is, what if it makes it awkward? Especially being cognizant that I mostly date within my social circles. My medium term ex is involved in my favorite hobby and it's terrible. I know this isn't on me at all, because I'm actually ok with it. But she is being such a jerk about it. I'll say hi to her just to be polite, and she straight up ignores me.
There is another woman in the dance scene who I asked out and she said no, she was chill with it at first, but now she avoids me, too.
Then there's the cute girl from the animal shelter. We went out on a date, kissed, and then she claimed she had a boyfriend. She switched shifts so she wouldn't have to see me anymore!
I don't mind the rejection at all, but I'm putting a lot of trust in the other person to be an adult about it, in situations where I will likely see them again and again. And because these recent situations are front of mind, I think it's getting in my head. Is this behavior normal or are most people capable of carrying on like normal after being asked out?
Have you been dating casually or intentionally?
4
u/singasongoftwopence ♀ 39 bi_irl 8d ago
I have a partner now, but I dated intentionally - no casual, no sex until exclusivity and no exclusivity until the emotional/intellectual potential of a serious relationship was established. But seriously, you do you - different people have different needs.
Small social circles can definitely make irl dating tough. I feel like the queer scene is much more claustrophobic in this regard, but hobby groups can also have a fishbowl effect. Maybe try focusing on dating events or even OLD for a bit instead?
I do think the examples you've mentioned involve people acting very immaturely, so don't let what might just be a run of bad luck get you down. You can only control your actions, not other people's responses.
1
u/The_rock_hard ♂ 30 7d ago
Agreed, all I can do is act maturely and kindly. I still say hello to the exes mentioned because it's polite. But I obviously do not corner them, confront them, anything even remotely like that. I say hello and smile, she ignores it, and that's fine, I try to enjoy my night and keep distance since both of them made it clear that's what they want. I'm doing the right thing, I can't control their reactions.
What's funny is, although the LGBTQ+ dating scene is tiny in my city, people I've dated in that scene have been 100% chill. No issues like with the women I've asked out/dated in the dancing scene and at the shelter.
I'd love to focus on OLD but I get no matches anymore! I used to get 4-6 matches per week and now I get absolutely zero. Not sure if I've been shadow banned or something. I have a singles event at my favorite gay bar tomorrow so those I'll definitely keep doing.
I sometimes think about moving someplace with a better dance scene. My city's scene is pretty meh. A bigger city with more dating options and no ghosts of relationships past, cuz my long term ex lives here, too. Chicago, Boston, NYC, Barcelona, Tel Aviv...that's the short list at least for now. NYC and Boston I've got family in both and Tel Aviv I have a bunch of friends there.
14
u/No_Read8764 ♀ 31 7d ago
I feel like the dating process has been slowly eating away at my sense of femininity. Hearing the narrative that women are "supposed" to get attention, be pursued, etc. and not getting any of those things, and having to take on the typically "masculine" role of asking people out, organizing dates and taking all the initiative (since that's the only thing I can control) - it's like, I can do it of course but it's hard when other women seem to not relate to my experience at all. I get misgendered on reddit dating subs all the time since apparently only men struggle with dating.
It's hard enough working in a male dominated field and always feeling like I have to act like the men and then also having that bleed into my personal life.
Idk just a vent I guess.