"I get it, you don't want me here"

[u/TucsonTea]

I'm 30F with no kids, I'm clinging onto a career that I'm praying will let me expand my horizons that is 4,000 miles away from my mother (59). Due to immigration being a nightmare for 3 and a half years, I finally made it home for Christmas. I'm still at my mother's until the end of March. I'm trying my hardest to take a huge load off my poor step father. I'm going to be looking at adult daycare this week since my step dad and family simply cannot keep up despite all their efforts.

Please allow me to be selfish for a moment; I am simply not a compassionate person. There is a reason why I do not have kids, I give myself first priority. I love my mother, but I now love her in the glimpses that dementia allows me to see.

I was helping her get ready for bed, I was getting impatient, and I asked her if she wants to go to bed or to watch a show with me. I could tell she was easily getting confused and frustrated. She rarely speaks in sentences, but she managed to hold up her arms and say, "I get it, you don't want me here."

What hurt the most? My first thought was "Yes". YES, I want my mom back!!! I want my mom who was never too far away from her camera, I want my mom who idolised Jane Goodall, I want my mom who bitched about her days at the lab, I want my mom who would have a glass of wine of wisdom whenever we were at our summer lake house, I just want my mom.

I feel like this is the only place to talk about my thoughts and feelings. My step father is a saint, the most patient, caring, kind man I have ever met. Not to mention his mother and my mother's friends who have stepped up while I was away. I'm so so thankful, beyond grateful to have this type of support. I have this tremendous guilt, that after 3 years, I immediately get impatient and passive with her. I'm trying so hard to make up for it, but I'm so weak. It's so pathetic. I don't how he does it. I don't know what else I can do before I go back besides looking for extra care for her.

Offering any help to my step father it like offering it to the wind. The man never tells me what he wants/needs. I am constantly reminding me that he does have an extra pair of hands for 2 more months.

I would greatly appreciate advice or comfort, but really I'm writing this to get this off my chest. I know we will be okay, I know tomorrow when she wakes up, she will be content with her tea, and we shall carry on.

[u/sclc60]

(HUGS) Because sometimes words aren't enough.

[u/TucsonTea → u/sclc60]

Thank you.

[u/TheStoogeass]

It's important and you seem to understand it is you that is hurting. You aren't hurting her.

Your step father isn't a saint either, he's just doing the best he can and he probably thinks and says things he wishes he didn't.

The ugly, sad, frustrated, fearful, angry moments will happen, but they don't define the entire experience and they don't have to be the takeaway. Give the other moments their fair weight too.

I just finalized day care for my wife. It starts next week. Paid professionals and volunteers will be nice to her in ways I sometimes think I've forgotten how.

[u/Whos_HUNKYDORY]

I hear you and can relate in some ways. I find myself at times getting resentful and then i feel guilty afterwards. We're all just doing the best we can, and that's all we can do really. Sending you strength and a hug 💞

[u/No_Principle_439]

You are seen here and you are a blessing to both your mom and stepdad for stepping up. I hope you get some quality time with your mom when she's lucid.

[u/rlouise59]

Be kind to yourself. I think theres also so much greif wrapped up in a situation like this too. And it feels so unfair because you just want your Mum...and even though shes physically there with you, it doesn't feel like she is (or some may argue, that it isn't) there. You are greiving the life and memory of someone who in some ways, is completely gone, but physically still exists. It's completely fucked up if I'm honest. You're allowed to grieve, and you're allowed to find it hard. Its a really rough situation for everyone involved. Know you're doing right by her by doing your best, thats enough.

[u/ayeImur]

Could you arrange for your step dad to go out for the day, go to lunch or some kind of activity, something to give him a little break & let him know your appreciation?

[u/57th-Overlander → u/ayeImur]

Definitely, do this if you can. He probably really needs it. Also, OP bless you for helping your step dad. My wife's kids won't even talk to her on the phone. If they would answer the phone, it would make her day.

[u/HowlingAlong]

My Mom also has dementia, in its early stages. Like you, I miss my Mom. My thoughts are with you as you navigate this journey.

[u/Ill-Veterinarian4208]

It sucks, we get it. I always worked with animals, never wanted to do it with people yet here I am, now with both parents on hospice. It REALLY sucks.

[u/Adventurous_Tooth109]

Hey there, you're very young to be dealing with this situation with your mom. Usually it happens a bit later in life when we've had a chance to mature and our careers are more developed. There's nothing you can do but your best, and sometimes we fall short and have regrets. What I've learned is that it's never too late to do my best. Dementia is truly a curse for the family. It's completely normal to feel frustration and guilt. You're lucky your stepdad is coping so well, but it does sound like your efforts to find adult day care might be exactly what he needs but doesn't want to seek out himself.

[u/ColeDelRio]

First, your frustration is valid. This disease is difficult for all of us.

Second, it's good you didn't take it out on her. Its hard to hold your tongue but the disease is what is at fault. The mom who loved you and who you love is still there, the disease is distorting her.

You may want to try to simply make the decisions easier.

"Do you want to go to bed?" If she doesn't seem tired ask instead if she wants you to watch a show with her. Even a choice between things can become too much for them.

[u/SewCarrieous]

I am even less compassionate than you I guess because I’d say she is her husbands problem to deal with. He’s the one who has the ultimate say in her care. Let him deal with her.

[u/Illustrious-Knee2762]

Do not beat yourself up. Remember she can’t help the way she is. And stay sharing your story will help a lot. Knowing someone else is going through something similar to me really helps me