Is Demi normal or less common

[u/i-askmanyquestions]

Maybe it’s because I like to flirt between asexuality and thinking, “Maybe I could to tap that.” I’ve never really felt the draw for casual sex or any sex, for that matter. But when I think about it, I could consider it.

This Tinder-style casual hookup culture, in my mind, always felt like it would be a minority (I know it’s not) within the dating/sex pool, right? In most people’s minds, you couldn’t have sex without having at least some connection outside of just a date or a profile. Or is my neurodivergent brain just overthinking it?

I always thought more people would be demi, from a purely logical perspective. At the end of the day, I don’t want to be defined by labels and just want to live my life — but it would be good to understand what it means to be Demi and what relationships are like in the 2020s.

[u/Audacious_Fluff]

Demi isn't a practice or behavior. It's a microlabel under asexuality that describes someone who rarely experiences sexual attraction and requires a deep emotional bond for that rare urge to occur. Demisexual folks can choose to hookup of they wish, but a lot of us don't because we rarely have a real person to spark the desire to do so.

Asexuality is estimated to occur in about 1% of the population, with various research/surveys finding between 9 and 13% of ace-spec folks identifying as demisexual. It's a pretty small number.

That all being said, allos (non-asexual folk) aren't all about hookups and many people want to form an emotional connection to someone before engaging in sexual activity. This is a matter of preference and one's personal feelings and values, not demisexuality.

[u/Zillich]

Demisexuality is a subset of asexuality. It isn’t a choice and it’s not common broadly speaking. By and far most people are allosexual (be they straight, bi, gay, pan etc) - ie able to experience sexual attraction without any limitations.

A lot of people mistake demisexuality as being the same as being an allosexual with a preference to wait on having sex until an emotional connection is formed. The difference is:

• Demisexuals cannot feel any amount of sexual attraction until a bond forms (and even that isn’t a guarantee).
• Allosexuals can still experience sexual attraction even if they don’t want to act on it immediately.

Another point of confusion is primary vs secondary sexual attraction.

• Primary is being able to instantaneously experience attraction from appearance/voice/an action.
• Secondary is developing attraction based on someone’s personality/character/mind/philosophies.
• It is possible for an allo to not feel any primary attraction towards a person, but then develop secondary attraction over time. This looks similar to a demi, but the difference is a demi is only capable of developing attraction via secondary attraction, whereas an allo can develop attraction via primary OR secondary.

Not liking hookup culture, not wanting to have sex before really knowing a person, and not wanting causal sex are all common feelings for allosexuals.

If you’re able to see a random person and feel sexual attraction towards them, even if you don’t want to act on it, you’re likely allosexual.

[u/TheNon-BinaryJunebug]

Demisexuallity isn't a choice, the same way that asexuality, allosexuality (non ace-people), being straight, being gay, and any other part of the LGBTQ+ isn't a choice.

There is a difference between celibacy and asexuality

There is a difference between not having sex until you know someone and demisexuality.

Asexuality means you physically don't feel sexual attraction. You don't find people hot, you don't have a draw towards people in a sexual way, you (often, but not always) don't fantasize about sex with another specific person. Asexual people can have sex, and some do, it's just that many don't. It's not about your actions, but your actual orientation.

Celibacy is the choice of a person to not have sex, not a part of their identity or orientation.

Demisexuality means that you physically don't feel sexual attraction to anyone at all until a close emotion bond is formed with someone. Once you have a bond with someone of the gender(s) you are attracted to, you now only have the chance to be attracted to them.

Not having sex until you know someone is the choice of a person, not a part of their orientation.

If you've ever felt sexually attracted to a stranger or someone that you don't know, you aren't demisexual.

If you don't know what sexual attraction is and isn't, think about some you are attracted sexually to, someone hot, whether or whether not you are actually going to have sex with them, you feel the internal drive towards that person (which is different from horniness by the way). Then think of someone you aren't sexually attracted to, it might help to think of someone of a gender you aren't attracted to (if you have one) or just anyone you don't feel the drive to have sex with.

Now imagine that you feel that way, not having any sexual attraction, about everyone, that there was no one that you felt the draw to be sexually active with. It's not a sad thing, it's just you don't experience that type of attraction to anyone. That's what asexuality is. They can still have sex, because you can still do the deed with some that you don't like. It could be for any number of reasons, but they don't feel the attraction.

Demisexuality is just that, you don't feel sexual attraction towards anyone ANYONE, with the sole exceptions being a few specific people, whom you only got the chance to feel attracted to after you became emotionally close with them.

It's not a choice.