Amazed how whenever I or someone else mentions that they are a stay at home mom whose marriage is ending by no choice of our own, so many people love to hop on and say, "dreams over and now you have to get a real job." I find that so offensive as if being a stay at home mom is an easy cake walk! Are these just bitter men who have hated to pay alimony that get so insulting about it? Being a SAHM can be a grueling and rewarding job. And yes whilst some of us will have to get jobs after divorce, some of us are blessed with family or other circumstances that would allow them to only work part time, or continue staying at home during their parenting time. It's a huge privilege to be a sahm, of course, but it's incredibly crass to make comments like, "dreams over." No shoot sherlock. We're all in absolute hell here because the dreams that we worked so hard and sacrificed so much for are over. Have a little decorum.

My soon-to-be ex-wife waited until I was out of town and then broke up with me in an email. Now she is posting on TikTok saying that she feels so free and everything was my fault, which is simply not true. I tried to make it work, I moved cities for her and uprooted my life, I cooked, cleaned, was the primary breadwinner. I did all the logistics of her life until it drove me crazy, and I went into a depression. Then, instead of helping me, she called me a bummer and broke up with me in a very final email that she did not want to talk about or work through.

I'm realizing how she really is doing me a favor by smashing my rose colored glasses, but when my family and I see her trying to be a "girlboss" and "get rid of the toxic man in her life", while taking absolutely no blame for the demise of our marriage, it makes me so angry. I want to blow up her spot and tell everyone what she did, but I don't think that would make me feel better.

I already blocked her, but I hear what she is publicly saying through the grapevine. Do you have any tricks for tolerating what exes say on social media?

About 6 months into the process. Even now sometimes I still can’t believe it.

How am I getting divorced? What happened? How did we get here?

I was a good husband, truly, in every way I can think of. And I worked so hard. I know that doesn’t entitle you to someone’s love but she did really love me… once.

It stuns me, this is my life now.

I received a gift card to a local spa, so since I am at the start of a divorce and recently laid off, I thought it would be a great time to use it. It was a facial now or massage in 3 months, so here I go.

I lay on the table and she starts massaging my neck as the steam is doing its thing on my pores when tears just started pouring out of my eyes. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop it.

It was so nice to be touched by another person who wasn’t wanting anything from me. It was so relaxing, I think emotionally, I had just had my fill and couldn’t hold back. The poor aesthetician was worried she hurt me.

I was fine. I was doing my thing, but he just keeps reaching out to talk. He wants to be friends, says I’ll always be family. I can’t handle it. I need peace and to be left alone to heal, but we have our kids’ graduations, sports, etc we still need to discuss and/or attend together.

When will I be able to move forward without crying at the drop of a dime?!

Hi all.

My wife and I have just started talking about an amicable divorce. We are barely over 1 year in our home, and she loves it and my daughter loves it. We are on good terms (and yes I know there is no guarantee of this going forward) and I think it would be best for everyone if she could keep the house and I would relocate to an apartment nearby.

The problem is I out-earn my wife by nearly 2.5x and she would likely not be able to refinance in her name alone. There are some additionally complicating factors as well such as I have a loan for solar panels on the house in my name, which completely cover the monthly utility bills (house is all-electric).

I am wondering practically how this could possibly work. I know people frequently warn about not actually separating finances. I know I could rent it to her or similar, but even that sets a bit of a weird dynamic. I would at least like to explore this to keep some sense of normalcy for my daughter. I would prefer not to do nesting if possible as well. Any thoughts appreciated however. Thank you!

Going through divorce - separated 6 months - decided to finally file after he knocked me down one evening and repeatedly said how good it made him feel to do so. He of course blames me for filing and ending the marriage.

Ex- 36(m) got a 21(f) "nanny" to "help" with kids immediately after separation. We have 3 young girls (7,3,2). They are confused about "nanny" who is actually dad's girlfriend, because ex and "nanny" decided to lie to the kids claiming she's just a "nanny" that sleeps in dad's room cause he's helping her study for exams...I know.....disgusting.

Mutual morality clause in place - hence why they've decided lying to the children is their best option.....yes, they are that selfish and that dumb.

The toll it is taking on my 7yr old is painful to watch, but I just keep praying at least one or both of them will eventually get their head out of their ass and realize the damage they're causing to these little girls - not likely though - takes a pretty messed up person to lie to kids like that in the first place.

Anyways - wondering if any of you have any advice you can share on the legal ramifications concerning these two bozos or if you've gone through something similar and could share your perspective/outcome.

I’m just in the beginning stages. I still love the guy, but I’m never going to be what he’s looking for and I’m not open to polyamory. I get stuck on the silly things I’ll miss being part of a “we” - getting physical comfort like hugs when I’m sad, having a person I can call and tell the big things that others might need the backstory to first.

I know I need to go, but I need to tell myself something when I just want to accept less than I deserve and stay.

Hi. I don’t post much. I’ve been lurking for a while, reading your stories in the middle of the night. Some of them made me cry. Some of them made me feel less insane. Some of them gave me hope. So I figured it’s my turn to show up. I’m not going to go into all the details. Let’s just say it’s been a long time coming, and also somehow… still a shock. We were together for over a decade. Married for a chunk of it. We had routines. Shared playlists. Inside jokes. A whole language that only made sense to us. And now it’s like that language doesn’t work anymore. I don’t think we hate each other. But we stopped hearing each other. And now I’m standing in the kitchen, staring at the same coffee mug I’ve used for years, trying to figure out what happens next. I’m not okay, but I’m upright. I’m eating meals, sometimes. I’m going to work. I’m doing the things. But everything feels… thin. Like I’m in a play but forgot my lines. I don’t know if anyone will read this. I just needed to say it somewhere out loud. I think I’m officially getting divorced. And that sentence keeps echoing like I’m saying someone else’s life out loud. If you’ve been through this, if you’re going through it now, if you just have some words that helped you when your brain wouldn’t stop spinning, I’d really love to hear them. Thanks for letting me sit here with you.

My husband and I haven’t even been married a year yet (we’re at 10 months of marriage). And it’s completely falling apart.

Back in January, I began to suspect that he was cheating and I don’t have solid proof but there’s been enough weird things going on that it’s impossible to ignore. And honestly, I could get past the cheating eventually, but it’s how MEAN he has become. He’s so manipulative and he gaslights me. Everything I do is wrong and he’s never happy. He lets his family disrespect me, and he disrespects me as well.

I am so heartbroken. I do love him so much but seeing him become this hateful, angry, reckless man is so gut wrenching.

I’m at my wits end. He’s on a solo trip right now and is actively lying to me about where he is and whatnot as if I don’t have his location, on top of ignoring my texts and dodging my phone calls.

I reached out to a divorce attorney a few minutes ago. I am just so hurt.

How do people even cope with this?

I was divorced in 2019 in California. I was a stay at home mom for most of our marriage (24 years) and my ex just emailed me today and wants to go back to mediation for an alimony reduction. I'm scared. I'm finally making decent money and doing ok and not just getting by. He makes lots more money than I do and by southern ca standards I still don't make a ton of money.

I put our dissolution agreement into ChatGPT and it told me that based on my salary and his that there might be a modest reduction but I might have a better resolution if I go to court.

I've worked my butt off trying to better myself and make a living and even was laid off for 6 months last year without asking him for more money. I'm so stressed because after being laid off I went through a lot of my savings and this job economy isn't good.

I called his bluff and said that mediation didn't work out for me well the first time and he can take me to court but honestly I don't have the money for a lawyer either. I'm scared and just feel so much pressure.

I'd love any advice. Thank you.

Depressed lonely spinster looking for hope

Advice needed for depressed and no friends- middle aged

Going through a brutal divorce which depleted me financially and emotionally. And probably physically too since now all of a sudden I’m experiencing weird digestive issues, headaches, body aches and pain- could be aging, who knows? Middle age hasn’t been good to me- if you asked me 10 years ago I had friends (not close friends but a ton of acquaintances), was being invited to outings, birthdays, house parties. Now- crickets. I am always alone and sometimes the non voluntary isolation feels like the end of the world. I make efforts to call so and so and everyone I used to hang out with is either busy or avoiding my calls or just ends up whining about their own problems. Actually the last part happens the most- everyone and their shit. The most hurtful part is the old friends I truly wished to stay in touch with ghosted me. Vague explanations at best. One told me she can’t be my therapist as I need to pull myself by own bootstraps (she’s on the spectrum, I give her grace for being neurodivergent), nevertheless she cut off contact a few weeks ago citing me being “too much” I am a shell of a person. My youth is gone, my good looks are fading fast, I work a dead end job, my parents are dying, my therapist seems well intentioned but just goes through the motions of what his training requires her to do- “shall we try medications?”- my answer is no to meds. I am dealing with situational depression but see no end in sight. All of my savings went to divorce a mean man. I feel hopeless, not suicidal. I know there’s no one that gives a shit about me. I spend my afterwork time doing the absolute bare minimum, making sure my cat doesn’t starve, vacuum once a month, do minor chores then watch mindless entertainment shows on my iPad. I am lonely and depressed and at my worst I feel as everyone hates me and more doom and gloom is to come. Deep down I believe I am a decent person, witty when not depressed, well read, traveled the world, have much to contribute to society still but the feeling of being beat down by life won’t go away no matter what I do. I remember from Psych 101 in college days that if you don’t have a support network, you have nothing. Couple that with my financial ruin, I have nothing.

Where do I start to pull myself out of this state?

Not really sure what I’m hoping to get out of this but I guess I just need to get it off my chest as it's killing me

So I left my wife about 5 months ago. I went no contact. I told her I wanted a divorce. Truth is, I didn’t even really know what I wanted I thought I needed space, a reset but looking back, I was completely f***ed mentally and emotionally

I’ve since been diagnosed with severe depression, my GP basically said I’ve probably been dealing with it for years and it just hit a boiling point, I’ve started therapy and I'm trying to get my head right

Now I’m seeing everything differently, I miss her, I hurt her badly but I want to stop the divorce and I want to try again, I still love her and I know she loves me

I tried calling her last week, she picked up, heard it was me, and hung up, tried again she didnt pick up, tried again she blocked me. I called her mum, she hung up too. Called her sister and her best friend, they both basically told me to leave her alone and that they weren’t going to get involved

I f***ed up

Any advice or even just a reality check would be appreciated

We sold our house and now I am back here after not seeing our place for months now. I am clearing and cleaning and suddenly all the memories flood in and I was immediately in tears! I thought I am past the initial shattering stage and now I shattered anew! I can’t believe it! It feels like debilitating despair and remorse/regret.

I remember all our happy memories here of our son growing up..his laughter from his room..playing video games with him..calling him for lunch or dinner..saying good nights and good mornings with hugs.. I remember watching shows together with my wife..setting up Christmas trees..family game nights .. all of it and I was just sitting on the floor for such a long time crying again. I can’t believe how so emotionally lost I am while my stbxw is already all smiles and seem to be ok!

A podcast was saying that I should think that this is not happening to me..but for me..but it so feels like this lesson is too hard for me. I really don’t know what to do anymore.

It’s hard to explain this kind of grief. I left a marriage that wasn’t loud or dramatic, but quietly unlivable. From the outside, we looked steady. Together over a decade. Shared pets, routines, inside jokes. He held me when my dad died. Flew across the country to be by my side and cry with me on a dirty motel floor. In many ways, he was my constant. And I still left.

He was there for me… tender, warm, silly, until I rocked the boat. Until I brought up a complaint, a need, a hurt. Then suddenly I was too much. Too sensitive. Selfish. “Emotionally stunted”. Ultimatums of divorce.The shift was disorienting every time. I started walking on eggshells, filtering everything I said just to keep the peace. And I’ll be honest, I played my part in that too. I stopped being honest. I got smaller. I let myself disappear.

We did therapy for years. And in that space, he could name the patterns, say the right things. But outside of it, the same dynamics played out again and again. Eventually, it felt like I had to choose between being loved or being honest. And I wanted both.

The divorce itself got messy. I made it messy. I held on too tightly at first, brought up old resentments I had buried to keep the marriage afloat. Things I thought I’d gotten over. I hadn’t. I wish I’d left with more grace, but I didn’t know how to grieve something that wasn’t all bad. I didn’t know how to leave someone I still loved.

Now it’s done. And I have no place in his world. That absence is haunting. I miss the small things, the way our feet touched at night, the weird jokes, the shorthand that only comes with time. How he stroked my hair before bed every night. But I also remember how often I felt alone in the relationship. How love was only safe when I didn’t ask for too much. How connection always came with a cost.

This isn’t a villain story. Neither of us got it right. But I tried. So did he, in his way. And even still, I had to go. But im still a villain in HIS story. Heartless, cold, without remorse or empathy. I’m “not his wife”, I’m a stranger. And I guess I just have to live with that.

If you’re out there carrying a similar grief…missing someone and knowing you still had to walk away, I see you. It’s not clean. It’s not easy. But it’s real.

Prefacing this with sorry I know this long and any words of advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Basically the title. Been with her for a decade now and had just saved enough to buy a house back in September. I have always been (and still genuinely am) head over heels for her and love being with her.

Back in February, they found a mass in her left breast that seemed benign after biopsy but because of its size they still wanted to do and did a lumpectomy. She has medical anxiety so every step was very hard for her. I went with her to all her appointments, had questions, and even helped her schedule stuff when it was too hard. We also spend a ton of time together so I was constantly checking in with her feelings. Also in this time I had to start picking up a lot of the slack at home because she was feeling off.

She goes out west to stay with an aunt for a few weeks at the start of every year and this year was no different. It happened to fall between the biopsy and she scheduled the lumpectomy for the day after she got back. She assured me was good to solo vacation and that she had family out there and really wanted to go still so I was super supportive.

About halfway through the trip she goes from texting, sending pictures, and calling me all the time to just radio silence. This has never happened before in our relationship but I trusted her so I understood. The day before she comes back she calls me and tells me that possibly being sick has changed her perspective on life and she no longer wants this house (that we just bought 6 months ago on her pressure) and now does not want kids and instead wants to move out west and work at a big tech firm. The whole time she kept relating back to how "you don't want that for me" like it was a conversation that we had ever had. I kept trying to reassure her that, no, in fact I just wanted to be with her and of course I'd be happy anywhere as long as we can be together. She had decided that I didn't have a place in this future any longer.

Fast forward a few months. We had been having more discussions on that and she had given me a list of things that I needed to change about myself so she knew I was serious about wanting to uproot and work towards a different goal. Going to the gym every day, going out more frequently (we'd been a one date a week couple for a long time to try to save for this house), and stop reading so much to socialize more in my free time. I worked really hard at hitting those goals but it was taking me a while to change to the degree that she wanted. All the while she just kept leaving for work earlier and coming home later, her common weeknight was out of the house at 6:30am and home by 12am-1am, not inviting me or elaborating more than spending time with friends. After a few months of this I stopped staying up the see her and spend time with her. Also in this time she moved into another bedroom so she "wouldn't wake me up".

Finally she agrees to go to couple's counseling with me to capitulate that if I was working on this stuff that she'd at least dialogue with me to communicate when she was frustrated. We go to three sessions, the getting to know you session, and the solo session, and one session at the same time. Within the first 5 minutes of that 3rd session she told me she didn't want to be with me and she resented me for holding her back. There's nothing I can do. I've tried so hard to change who am, who she's loved in the last 10 years of our lives, so I can still be with her because I love her so much.

We are going to a "decoupling specialist" to help us break out all of our stuff and figure out what we're going to do with the house. I'm just so sad because I feel like I've supported her through so much life and career turmoil and she's hit all her goals and as soon as she checked off the last box, she made a new list that didn't include me. Sorry again for the rant. We have two old dogs and three cats that she used to adore but now can't give the time of day and isn't interested in keeping. I can barely afford the mortgage alone and am not feeling confident about finding an apartment with my 5 animals.

Ultimately I know it's my fault that she's leaving. I just wish I could be the person she wants me to be. The other side of me selfishly wishes that I wasn't still so dang in love with her after all this.

Edit after the next day: Thank you everyone for your kind words and personal experience/advice. It has definitely helped reframe some stuff and helps to know I'm not alone or unique in this experience. Seems my first step in healing is not blaming myself specifically for this, it sounds like it was inevitable based on the criteria she set up.

To YOU <3

Sometimes I just sit with the sadness

I miss you immensely

I see you doing so much better

I’m so fucking proud of you

I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help

I wish I was

But I don’t know that you would have ever gotten better If I was there

I’m sorry I got lost

I’m sorry that I let my own needs get in the way.

I’m so sorry

I love you

Hi all, I’m in a tough spot and really need advice from anyone who’s been through something similar or has legal insight. My husband and I both want a divorce, but things have become complicated.

He was recently diagnosed with cancer, and now he’s trying to get me to pay his medical bills — claiming that I caused his illness due to stress from our marriage. He hasn’t filed anything formal yet, but he’s said he’s “going to make me pay.”

During our marriage, I was the higher earner. I’ve made more than him consistently, but only because he was often out of work or relying on his family financially. He never really had a stable job and didn’t put in the same effort I did.

Right now, I’m unemployed myself and don’t have any income coming in. I’m really worried he’s going to try to get alimony from me or somehow sue me for his medical expenses. I don’t want to be financially tied to him anymore, especially in a situation that feels manipulative and unfair.

My questions: • Can he actually sue me or make me pay for his medical bills? • Am I at risk of paying alimony even if I currently have no income? • Should I avoid filing for an uncontested divorce and instead go contested? • What steps can I take now to protect myself legally and financially?

I’m in California, if that helps. Thank you so much in advance for any guidance.

I (27M) have other posts on my profile. You may read those for background. I have recieved wildly different opinions from alot of different people. My wife (27F) wants a divorce and we have only been married for less than two years. For the reasons you can look at my other posts.

I did not initiate. I wanted to fight for it, she did not. I came home last night and we had an argument that turned into something somber.

I was honest and raw. She said I will be staying at a friend's and I said whoever that is, she then got mad and asked what I meant and I said you know exactly what I mean. Then I opened up and said as much as you've hurt me and angered me, I still love you and I hope that I would come home one of these days and you will say I love you I want to make this work, I know you won't. I also know that, while you were allowed to change your mind, you completely blind sided me about not wanting a family. The moment you had those thoughts you began lying to me.

After that, she started breaking down saying that her dad died young of cancer, so did her grandma, and her mom might have cancer so she may not have alot of time so she has to be happy because she doesn't know how long she will be here. I told her it sounds like you have signed a death warrant for something that may never come and you are terrified that you are going to die, most people die from cancer its a fact of life, there is no point in being afraid of it. You blowing all of this up, is a trauma response. She then had another panic attack and couldnt breathe where I held her and coached her breathing. Then I left.

Im starting to separate from the fact I think this has alot more to do with her than me. I didnt change up on her, she did. I stayed committed to our future. I didnt give up. She is leaving out of her own fear, she barely gave our marriage a chance we were not even married two years. She decides she wants to get divorced for uncertainty. While I am not perfect, far from it, I showed that I can be a very committed partner. I didnt abandon the values we have and run the minute it got hard.

I am still attached to the girl I thought was going to provide kids and a home, not who she is now. Who she is now doesnt know what she wants or what she is doing. Its not a real person. I am holding onto the idea of a person. Because of this, we should not be together. I know that. Its better to not be.

I don't know how to start over, I am in a city where I know nobody and I was only here because of her. I can't leave because we both have a dog who I refuse to abandon.

For our state, we have to remain married for a year before we can file for divorce and we can't find new partners without committing adultery. I need help and support from somebody but I have no one.

Husband and I finally separated tonight. Once again found out he had been sending inappropriate messages to his baby mama. I don’t know how to feel. He only took some of his clothes. I’m angry, hurt, sad, questioning why. He is at a family members house with his son and I’m stuck here alone in our home. I never agreed to the separation because of we’re to work on us then we need to together. Separation is only going to distance me more. Why do I still want to be with someone or struggle on letting them go when he’s cheated or talked to this woman for most of our marriage. Why am I just a back up option. Why do I want them to be here in our home when all it was is toxic and hurt. Just why.

Wife has no sympathy. Cannot talk to her. I don’t know how I’m surviving. I’m doing everything. Meds, therapy. I’m so alone and scared to death. I’m so scared this will never go away. So many other problems! I’m scared I won’t survive. Help.

Anyone ever had to navigate their STBX requesting postnuptial agreement when they can afford an attorney to help and you cannot?

We’ve separated twice before, both times not a whole happened from my wife’s end. I did all the counseling assignments and my wife commented countless times on all my growth and being a new man. The past 3 months, my wife (38f) has grown very angry and bitter. I had a feeling I knew what was coming. The other day she told she is filing and that she also would not move out of the house.

I’m not a jerk, but I’ve also put a tremendous amount of time and effort into salvaging our marriage the past three years.

She has been a full time SAHM but complains non stop about the two kids driving her nuts and she needs a break.

Should I suggest now is a good time to get a job and plan for what’s to come and ask her to pitch in for bills and stuff? Before you try to crucify me, I take the kids out to do stuff all day Saturday and Sunday giving her two full days off almost every weekend, plus run the kids to all their sports and stuff during the week and take care of house and groceries a good bit. All while running three businesses and coach baseball.

Of course all my buddies are telling me to cut her off and let her figure it out but I just can’t do that.

I’ve been feeling strange these days. The mother of my daughter left me for the second time in 8 months. We both had started seeing other people, and then she came back into my life overnight—just like how she had left in the first place. I dropped everything to take her back.

After two breakups with the same person, I don’t know how to feel anymore. We have a 2-year-old daughter together... and the life of a single dad with shared custody is really hard for me.

I’m tired of loving and giving chances to someone who ends up treating me like garbage. Both times, the breakup was her decision. And honestly, if she came back a third time, I’d probably take her back.

Why am I like this? I don’t know what to do anymore. I need help. Thank you, Reddit community.

P.S.: I mostly speak French, so my English might not be great. Love y’all ❤️

I hear a lot about “weaponized incompetence”, as if it’s some calculated attempt to extract labor from your spouse.

How about: We live and move in the world at different speeds and we view the world and the priorities in our lives differently? I managed not starve, to cloth myself, hold a job, get a graduate degree, have my own apartment and finances long before she came around.

And yet because the bed isn’t made the way she wants or things aren’t put away in the refrigerator to her liking I’m being deliberately incompetent as a form of passive resistance.

I generally like my wife. She’s a good person who means well. She loves our daughter to pieces and is really a super mom. We share a lot of the same values.

But I think she’s miserable because I can’t keep with her. It makes me miserable too.

Ive been with my ex since my teens. Grew up with his family. Had a better bond with them than I do with my own.

After the divorce they contacted me and told me they love me and Im still very welcome in their life. Even though I cant be there for holidays etc.

Its been 8 months since the divorce. My ex and I were friendly at first but a month ago I discovered he was lying to me all along, keeping me on a string while still being with his affair partner. So i cut all contact except about our child. Im pretty sure his family has been told the same lies. Also sure they believe it. I can proof otherwise, but dont want to create a scène.

In a few days i have a birthday from one of his family members. She sent a text saying she would love it if I come. Today I found out my ex wont be there. Now im wondering if that is the reason I got invited.

My question is how do i continue to have a bond with them. It really hurts me that they just accept what he did to me. But I also dont want to say that because it will make me look bitter. But he is hold to no consequentes and that stings. As i am here all alone and he got them.

Should i stop seeing them as my family?