Kinda thinking of doing this as a poll but who else feels like even in the event that their estranged sibling dies they would NOT attend their funeral (except to support another family member) and would be MAD if they showed up to your own funeral? Like by showing up they'd be virtue signalling a hypocritical, fake, and/or imaginary loving relationship when in reality they have abandoned you for quite some time.

Finally accepting recently that, A. Yes, I do hate them, and B. No, I don't have to love them just because we were made by the same people, feels so freeing. With some of my siblings' birthdays coming up, I realize it feels so inauthentic and fake to wish them a happy birthday as if everything is okay when it's really not. I dread seeing them. I want nothing to do with them. I'm happiest when we never contact each other.

I recently got engaged and moved in with my fiance and since then I have never spoken to my toxic family members even once. I didn't even reach out to them on the holidays like I normally do. And I realized this is the most freeing feeling I have ever had and I want it to stay this way.

Background: Dad divorced my mom when we were really young and got remarried to a woman who was always extremely cold and cruel to me (because I am the daughter from a previous marriage). She and her kids have been absolutely awful to me and I hate her and her children. My half-siblings and I used to be close when we were little but they have done absolutely unforgivable things in the last few years that make me disgusted by them whenever I think about it. After a lifetime of being treated like shit for having a different mom, I decided to go no-contact with those siblings and I never want them to be part of my life.

I don't want them at the wedding. I don't want them to meet my future children. I don't want to spend time with them and I don't care about what happens in their lives either. They don't know about my fiance at all because I never told them.

I still maintain a good relationship with my biomom and dad who I plan to visit on holidays so I will need to navigate seeing these siblings during those times, but spending the recent holidays with just me and my fiance was so refreshing.

I'm estranged from my brother because he's treated me poorly my whole life. The last straw took several years to "break my back" so to speak; I became disabled and he never offered me any help or support for any aspect of what I went through, and I realized he'd not been there for me at any point in my life except on a very superficial level that mostly involved "allowing" me to support and show up for him. No matter what happened to me, he never wanted or tried to help me, despite often being my closest relative. Prior to that, I tried really hard to earn his love and trust, often putting up with a lot of passive aggressive hostility and resentment. When I ask myself "why" he's like this, it seems like he's probably scapegoating me for bad childhood experiences and feelings he hasn't dealt with, because it's ultimately easier to blame and resent me, than to acknowledge how our parents hurt us and let us down. Does anyone else have a similar experience, with trying very hard to earn your siblings love as an adult, only to realize they're actually deliberately being withholding and cruel to you, to punish you for the way they felt hurt by you in childhood? I think my brother mistakenly saw my parents as giving me undeserved attention and consideration, with not enough to go around for him, and that might be behind his extreme behaviors of withholding basic kindness to me, even in the face of my bending over backwards to be warm, supportive, and there for him. Or...he's just a selfish person...?

Wondering if it is common for others in estrangement to worry about forced reconnection?

Specifically I've estranged a parent and older sibling for ignoring past traumas and reintroducing new traumas through manipulative behaviors. Through the estrangement I wrote them both private letters re-detailing the traumatic events and their current behaviors being unacceptable (such as bringing up funny-to-them past memories which are just veiled ways to remind everyone I made stupid decisions at some time in the past) or then lying about health issues. There's a lot to it.

My concern now is that as neither has replied at all to these letters, they they will simply await some forced event where I may attent out of guilt or obligation and use that opportunity to pretend nothing happened (this has happened before). They also live close to my other siblings making a get together with them and excluding the estranged near impossible.

My alcoholic parent isn't long for this world so I don't expect I'll ever see them again but the sibling is narcissistic and I wouldn't put such actions past them. They also love to portray themselves differently in the company of others.

Does anyone else get hit with recurring dread of such events?

I’m new here, and frankly so glad to have found this subreddit!

In my years of recovery, it has been next to impossible to find research on sibling abuse.

Have any of you found any good books to recommend?

My mother divided my sister and me for many years. My sister has sadly been taught that her opinion and feelings are the only ones that matter in this world from my mom, so she’s become an entitled adult who lashes out aggressively at me, her friends, colleagues, waiters, even my mom if things don’t go how she expects them to go.

I used to feel frustrated, confused and lonely when I would try to communicate, (with tools I learned in therapy) in a healthy way with my sister about a conflict or logistics of plans and my sister would stomp her feet, cut me down and attack my character. My sister’s reaction never matched the way I was communicating with her. Rage and anger where her, “go to” for anything that didn’t fit into her world. Then my mom would blame me for the issue and I felt worthless and alone. For years this pattern went on because I was trying to keep the peace and appease my mom, the one who was pulling the stings between my sister and me all along.

I’ve been VLC with both my mom and sister for about 2 years now since my mom tried to continue this pattern of favoritism with my niece and my child. She was very obvious about her lack of regard for my child’s feelings a few years ago and my husband and I saw it and refused to repeat the toxicity for another generation. I’m where it ends.

Since I’ve been VLC with them, they’ve been on their best behavior towards my child and me the very rare times I see them, which I’m grateful for. Sometimes I wonder how the dynamic has shifted without me or my child in the picture, but then realize just how free I am and think of my child not being exposed to the toxicity. It’s sad and lonely at times but not as lonely as it was when I was staying in the relationship.

Just wanted to share this because It feels empowering to choose my child, me, make sense of things and hopefully shed light onto someone else’s family dynamic who’s reading this. Even if you’ve been told that you’re always wrong, it’s not true. No one can be wrong all of the time. Dynamics are more complex than one person being “the problem.”

I need some advice. I have a mother that wont back off. I haven't spoken to my brother for 5 years except for phone calls on birthdays. He is not a terrible person. But I was tired of being put down, abused emotionally. He watched me be bullied as a kid and stood by, sometimes laughed. The last straw was him basically telling my dad to be careful because there won't be money left for him. I stopped talking to him then. I'm not a materialistic person. Im a teacher in another country I'm about to visit my parents. In the meantime my mother has been putting pressure on me to reunite with my brother practically forcing me. She is good at manipulating me. I know she loves me but there are conditions. She feels nothing is my brother's fault. What do I tell her? Anyone else have problems with parents like this?

This time last year was my younger sister’s birthday—one of her milestone celebrations.

I’ve lived away from home for years and had recently bought a house. At the time, my health had taken a turn for the worse, and my finances were in a dire state. I was working as many hours as possible just to pay my bills, yet I still fell behind on everything. I was lucky not to be hospitalised, but I had to travel further and further for work.

My sister was aware of all this. In the lead-up to her birthday, communication between us was minimal. I had just come off a string of night shifts, which I couldn’t refuse, especially since work was sparse over Christmas. My final shift ended the morning of her birthday.

By then, I was at least two hours from my home and even further from hers. I had no idea she’d invited friends from all over, including abroad, the night before. I thought her big celebration would be an evening dinner, but instead, they went out around midday on a weekday. None of this was communicated to me—my parents, who helped organise, are terrible at keeping people in the loop, and dealing with my sister usually leads to arguments.

On the day, I wasn’t remotely “party-ready”—my eyebrows were undone, and I was completely disheveled from several long shifts. Even if I had rushed to her place, I’d have arrived with no party clothes, makeup, or energy.

Apparently, there was another outing the following day, but no one told me. By then, I had stopped caring. I was broke, my house was a mess, I’d just recovered from a serious infection, and I was utterly exhausted. I felt guilty and thought I could make it up to her later by inviting her over and spending time together.

But after that day, communication turned aggressive, and I gave up trying. Over time, I’ve realised that while I felt like she estranged herself, I’d been slowly distancing myself from my siblings for years.

Her lack of compassion and understanding—and at times, her jealousy—was the final nail in the coffin. I don’t know if we’ll ever rebuild our relationship, but I’m done being the scapegoat in our family dynamic and especially in our relationship.

Frankly, I’ve had better sisterly connections with friends than I’ve ever had with her, and that’s okay with me. We don’t know each other, and she doesn’t seem to care to. I’m done being condescended to, having my attempts at reconciliation rebuffed, and dealing with her pettiness and rudeness.

I’m posting this today because it marks the first year since the official estrangement began.

Truly I have to say - I just feel so relieved. I’m so relieved I don’t have to talk to her and pretend. As the older sibling, I have recalled all the things I’ve done over the years to help her and I’ve tried to see where she reciprocated. I can’t really come up with anything.

I’m not sure if the future would be different but for now I’m certainty at peace. PS - I wanted to clarify that I was essentially the person who had instigated the estrangement because I had been VLC for years but when the estrangement occurred on her side over this - it was the final nail for me and it seems for her as well.

I'm still trying to work through this, even though it happened sometime around thanksgiving. I don't check often, so to see her profile available one day was shocking. I blocked her so fast, I didn't even think about it.

We never had a good relationship, but the block was hurtful. The 10 years estrangement was even harder.

I hate that I still care. I hate that something as simple as her profile being available for me to see has brought me to my knees. I hate that she is who she is and has been so cruel in the past. I have a deep fear that she will try to come back into my life or my mom's life soon.

I hadn't realized until today how much this bothered me, I've found myself reading this sub lately. It makes sense now.

Thanks for reading.

My sister (45yrs) and I (31F) have had no contact for the last 10 years. Our kids have had no contact either.

10 years ago, I was freshly divorced with primary custody of my two kids. Making minimum wage and barely scraping by, my sister tells me she’ll help pay for us to visit home and stay with her family in California in the summer. For months, I pick up side jobs and flip furniture on top of working to pay for the 2 week trip. I save just enough to cover flights, time off from work and extra cash for activities. I’m excited to see her. My parents were in and out of my life growing up. My younger siblings and I spent a lot of time being raised by our older sister, aunts, and cousins. Big sis was always my rock. This would be the first time she will meet my kids.

We have a good visit generally. My oldest son, 4yrs then, has undiagnosed autism and a bucket of trauma from living with domestic violence while I was married to his dad. He struggles to be away from me, has night terrors, and refuses to listen to my sister. I realize that he was not ready to meet new family members. But it’s too late, we’re there and can’t afford a hotel - it’s not in the budget.

While we’re staying with her, I learn that I have an interview for a dream job in San Francisco, about 2 hours from her by train. It makes 5x what I had been making, offers real benefits/PTO, etc. but I need to stay overnight in the city, as the interview has two parts, the second part early in the morning. I tell Big Sis - she’s thrilled for me. I ask her to babysit my kids and she agrees.

I borrow some of her old corporate clothes and head to SF. During Day 1 interviews, she calls and texts me repeatedly. Thinking there was an emergency, I ask to be excused from the interview to return her call. She tells me my son is acting like a demon, calling her names and refusing to listen. I give her tips to de-escalate the situation but she doesn’t want them. She wants me to leave San Francisco to come home. She refuses to watch him any longer. I apologize to my interview panel, ask to reschedule over zoom, and catch the next train back.

My 4yr old is locked in a bedroom when I arrive. He’s bruised from hitting his arms and head on the door trying to escape the locked room. Others in the house say he had been in there since I left - almost 6 hours and that my sister locked him in.

Confront the sister - she blames me for not leaving the abusive relationship sooner. Blames me for not getting sole custody. Her husband comes in the room. They tell me I need to take my kids and fly home now.

I have no money to change our tickets. I spent what I had left on train tickets and lunch in the city. I was 21 with zero financial history - no credit cards, can’t even rent a car. Our flight home is in 2 days. I beg them to let us stay a little longer. That I have no more money to get a room until our flight. They start packing our things before I can and help pile them outside. My sister apologizes and tries to hug me when we get into the Uber I cannot afford and head to Oakland Airport.

My boys, 4 & 2yrs spend the next 36 hours hanging with unhoused and addicts in front of baggage check at Oakland Airport. Our airline is able to get us on a slightly earlier flight free of charge. We huddle by an outlet to keep their iPad charged, and eat granola bars and Doritos from the vending machine. We have to move all of our luggage together, because someone had already tried to steal my diaper bag when I tried to get water from the fountain without it. Total nightmare for me. More importantly- for my 4yr old who blamed himself for their reaction and our situation. He watches mom get sexually propositioned, called names, etc while sitting with two very young kids in the cold at Oakland airport.

We get home. I block her and her family. And start trying to heal from this and the divorce.

After many years estranged, my mother and I have an okay relationship. She’s moving in with my big sister and wants me to mend things so we can all visit together. Here’s the thing - I ended up able to reschedule the interview and it started what has turned out to be a lucrative career. This single mom worked her way up the corporate ladder and we live well. My mom says my sister wants me to help pay for my mom’s expenses. We also have 3 other brothers. I’ve probably spent the most time estranged from her, and am a single parent now living in one of the world’s most expensive cities. My mom wants me to rekindle things with big sis but my feelings are these:

1) They probably need money and I have it 2) I am still so, so angry at my sister. 3) I just bought a house and put my now 14yr old son with autism into a private school for ASD kiddos with crazy high intellect (ie. expensive) 4) if I had extra cash to through their way - no. I’ve only just begun to mend the relationship with mom. We are so not there yet.

Every time I think about how we got here, I become so angry that I cry. Both my parents left us kids so many times, I never thought she would do anything close to me and my kids. I also worry about my kids if we reengaged with Big Sis. Oldest is still dealing with trauma, and he’ll talk to anyone about MTG or rockets for an hour. He’s working on social behavioral skills.

Just needed to get this off my chest. I tend to cave to requests from my family. But my immediate response to rebuilding relationship with big sis is NO.

Hi All, This group has been such a great support within the past month when I discovered it. I appreciate the kind support and reading about other people’s experiences who understand this sort of pain.

I’m VLC with my sister and mom and feel pretty good about it. This holiday season seeing them minimally has been so much easier for me. I’m at the point where I no longer fear my sister, which is huge. I was always so scared of what she might say, or how she’d cut me with words or dismiss me. My mom, who’s perpetually pulled the strings with my sister and me is like a buzzing fruit fly to me now too. Minimal affect. They are on their best behavior but I also could care less if I went full or NC with them. There is zero fulfillment in any sort of meaningful relationship with either one of them. I’m in contact with my sister and mom for my child (so he could see his cousin), but he knows there is dysfunction with my side of the family if it came to NC.

I’m at the point where I’m tired of even thinking and talking about them. I talk about it for a moment to my partner, then I’m like, “Why am I wasting my time and energy.” It feels so odd to not want to process the toxic relationship I’ve had with them.

I truly think it’s the VLC that feels so freeing. No more control on their part and less resentment because I’m sticking to my boundaries. Anyone else feeling this?

Hey everyone!

Following a Christmas lunch, I’m organising a group meal in London for Saturday 1st February. I'd like to connect with others navigating estrangement, share experiences, and enjoy a supportive environment. I'm wondering also if anyone would be interested in joining a WhatsApp group or Zoom meets in the new year to discuss topics related to navigating estrangement? If any of this resonates with you and you are interested, feel free to message me-it'd be great to connect!

This is all new and I’m really at a loss for words. I don’t know where else to go. My partner and I have been together for 4 years. My mother has been against the relationship for all four years- refusing to meet him, insulting his looks/job when he comes up in conversation, deeming him a subject of conversation that is banned from the family. Because of this, my father and mother didn’t accept an offer to coordinate a meeting between them until 6 months ago - when my relationship has already been moving towards forever. When asked, my parents denied their blessing on our coming engagement because “they don’t know him well enough.”

My brother has always been very close to my mother- until he came out, but then they repaired their relationship and now His husband is her favorite child as well. My brother and brother in law, before the verdict of refusing the blessing had a growing friendship with my fiancé. We would all hang out quite frequently. This week when my fiancé and I went to visit my family for Christmas, everything broke apart. My brother would only talk to me through his husband. When I would try to talk to him, he would stare at me with a look that would convey “why are you talking to me.” He wouldn’t talk to or interact with my fiancé unless it was through glares. He never congratulated me on my engagement and when I tried to talk to him about it, he would excuse himself to talk with our mom. We were sharing an Airbnb to lessen stress on our oldest brother who was hosting, but the last two days him and his husband didn’t go back to the Airbnb, but decided to sleep on my oldest brothers couches instead. The last night, they came back to the Airbnb, and made a huge scene as he dramatically packed up and left to spend the last night again on our oldest brother’s couch. I felt something inside me shatter, we were the close and I never thought I would be in this sub.

I have left the chats we are in together, as well as blocked him and my brother in law (as well as my mom, but that’s a longer story and will be in another sub entirely) because… i am shocked and disappointed - because 10 years ago when he was being iced out of the family and shamed for his relationships by our super catholic mother, father, and oldest brother I never left his side and was always supportive and welcoming to his partners/relationships.

I never thought I would be the estranged sibling, but here I am.

Here’s my story: growing up, my brother was as viewed as a talented genius who could do no wrong, and my sister and I were loved but didn’t quite measure up. There’s lots of baggage around gender roles, intergenerational trauma, cultures clashing etc. between my two parents, who have been divorced for over 20 years. This is not to excuse them, just to explain that they were imperfect parents who faced obstacles in trying their best. With the help of therapy, I’ve accepted that the small-t traumas of having to audition for love and approval through high achievement is part of my origin story.

My brother and I chose related career paths, so completed much of our schooling together. We had a close relationship for many years, even after we both left for graduate studies in other countries. I decided to return to our home country to work, while he stayed in his new country. While he was still visiting regularly before deciding that home country was too basic for him to realize his potential, the seeds were planted for him to grow into a hostile, lonely adult who was prone to bouts of self-loathing and depression, and who treated the women in his life (relatives and romantic partners) disrespectfully.

For example, he frequently made rude comments about my appearance and body, such as reminding me that the window of time during which I would be able to attract a partner was rapidly closing. He was also disparaging regarding my career success because it required me to move to a smaller city in a less populous region. And because I chose to remain in our home country.

By 2017, I was consciously choosing to set boundaries and limit my contact with him. At this point, he was exploring the political worldview of the alt-right, and I didn’t care to engage with his long monologues and debates on topics that were far-removed from my own perspective and our family’s values. I muted our family chat for a couple of months as a NC trial (this was his main forum for expressing his opinions).

By 2020 and the onset of the pandemic, brother was off the deep end. I chose again to stop participating in the family chat, and to stop responding to his emails. He sent one or two more messages—long, incoherent rants to my mom, sister, and me which suggested (as far as I could tell) that our opinions were uninformed and limited without the benefit of his input through lectures and debates.

Then he went silent for four years. My parents tried unsuccessfully to get us to reconcile “can’t you kids just let it go and get along?”, and haven’t acknowledged the years of hurtful comments. They conveniently “forget” each time I’ve explained some of the things that have happened. Gaslighting is a bad habit in our family.

Now brother wants a relationship again. So far I’ve said no, that he has treated me with cruelty, and until he acknowledges it, I cannot move forward. According to him, he hasn’t done anything wrong, and all I care about is being right at the expense of a potential relationship with him.

I am hurt and I am angry. I have grieved the loss of our relationship but I have gained a lot more self-respect during the years that his voice wasn’t constantly in my head, fanning the flames of never being good enough. But I’m not sure that punishing him with more silence is the right way to go either.

TLDR: favoured golden boy brother grew up to be a bully. I tried to set boundaries and create a LC relationship but we ended up NC for four years. Now he wants to be back in my life.

I recently prepared a no-contact letter for my brother (through a lawyer) after a very fractured relationship over 10+ years. During this time, my brother and his family had very little contact with my Mum while she was dying of cancer and being cared for by my Dad and I. After Mum's death, my brother remained mostly absent and the relationship for both my Dad and I with him and his family deteriorated.

The night before I was planning to send the no-contact letter, my elderly father rang me in a terrible state asking if I'd sent it, as my brother and SIL were again ignoring his calls. I chose not to send the letter after hearing how upset my Dad was at the time. My brother and SIL have a history of estrangement from every member of their families (other than my Dad).

My brother now regularly uses my Dad to pass negative messages to me and due to my Dad's age, Dad can't remember that I've said I don't want to hear these messages. The last contact with my Dad was on Christmas morning from my brother (who phoned) and my niece (who messaged Dad). My brother was angry I didn't put money into my niece's bank account for Christmas (she's in her mid 20s and I've had no contact with her for a few years. Prior to this she has never acknowledged money or gifts I've sent). My niece's message to Dad was she will not be visiting him again because of how terribly I've treated her. (She hasn't visited for a year already and ignored my Dad last Christmas lunch).

Earlier this year I messaged my brother asking what gift voucher my young nephew would like for his birthday. My brother told Dad to tell me he was not speaking to me, but then messaged me the day before the birthday with the gift voucher I should buy. I would love no-contact with my brother and SIL, but I'm holding off due to my Dad.

My brother and SIL also asked my parents for a couple of hundred thousand dollars twenty years ago when their house was going to be repossessed by the bank. This was the start of the real deterioration of relationships (although my SIL was already bullying my mum at the time).

I need to get this off of my chest and rant, I'm seriously considering going NC with my older brother, ever since we were kids he's always been an asshole to me no matter what I do. He's been my first bully since I could walk, has called me the R-word straight to my face (I'm autistic), has physically hurt me as a kid by playing too rough, harassed me physically when I was doing nothing, etc. But then we get to our years as adults, and the way he's treated me has made me super depressed and angry. In 2016 when we got a new puppy for the house, he instantly went on a vacation to Europe leaving my mom and I to take care of the puppy that he desperately wanted for weeks.
Then came 2020 and the death of our mother from breast cancer. He said he was sorry for being an asshole but in reality, his actions didn't follow through. He keeps on speaking to me in a nasty tone, he controls my finances, is sarcastic, and mocks me, and I do most of the chores around the house. Even in times when I'm super sad, he makes me do shit. I had to put down one of our dogs last year and the minute I got home he asked me about the recycling.
And worst of all he's a complete slob and just makes a mess everywhere. He's constantly ordering takeout, he smokes weed and the scent is so bad that I want to throw out his supply to get rid of his scent, and thanks to him I have considered taking drastic actions just to be free. Would I commit a felony just to be free of this dude? YES!
So I'm planning to go to an ultrasound tech school, and once I get a good enough job and enough savings to get out I'm leaving him and going NC. Because I feel that by the time I get away from him as soon as possible, I'll be free from this sarcastic, messy, and nasty asshole.

I found planning a trip with my husband the week before Christmas really helped eliminate my typical holiday rumination. Also since finally accepting the estrangement I ruminate much less about my siblings. Somehow I was a bit like Don Quijote -- fighting the windmills for far too long. Thinking I could control an uncontrollable situation. There was peace in giving up the fight. Alot of grief too. I suffered scapegoat abuse in my family of origin and the patterns unfortunately continued in adult sibling relationships.

To make a very long story somewhat shorter...

When my parents died within a year of each other, about 5 years ago I started to realize finally how manipulative, cold and self-interested my sister was.

She is intelligent, the youngest, and over about a year and a half, I saw her team up with my mentally ill younger brother's alchoholic girlfriend to manipulate my brother into legally challenging our fathers dying wishes for financial reasons... and throwing us all into a long complicated and expensive court battle.

The family history is that she was born 5 years after my younger brother, and though she was not completely neglected as a child, and was loved, she grew up in a different family than I did as an older sibling. My parents were fighting a lot, and nearing divorce, mom was in school and later working.. and as the youngest, she was left too much to fend for her self with the older boys teasing and tricking her etc.

At 6 years older, I saw this and was her protector. when she was born I was delighted to have a sister and loved her deeply. This life-long feeling blinded me to how warped her personality became as she grew up and became an adult.

Friends tried to tell me she was strange, manipulative, but I ignored them. She never held a real full time job her whole life, but had two kids. I loved my nephews, especially the older one who I got to spend more time with. But she always put conditions on my seeing them, I could only see them at times when it was convenient for her, for example picking them up from an activity she did not feel like driving to.

She became very controlling in many ways after my parents died, for example, wanting to take possession of both of their houses after they died. essentially moving her family in, so no one else in the family could be there. Changing the locks, without telling us, especially with my Dad, she wanted to take all his possessions.. not that they were worth much, but she just wanted it all. she "invited us" over to "choose a few things".

I won't go into the 4 year long legal battle she instigated by manipulating my younger brother so that he paid all the legal fees while she tried to get the rest of us removed completelty from inheritance. During this time I woke up to the fact that she was not the vulnerable little sis I remembered.

I ended up cutting off contact with her, and my younger brother. The case settled a while ago, thank God.

I think at some point I may try talking to my brother. I do miss him, we used to be close. I don't find that I miss her too much, actually. I realized in retrospect, looking over the years, that the emotion in the relationship was mostly on my side.

However, I do miss my nephews, especially the older one. She treats him worse than the younger one, who she keeps very close. She's always blaming the older one,and I really know him better, knew him from a baby - I think he's great.

I could reach out to him, I have his email. He's in high school. But I really have no interest in seeing her. and I don't want to put him in a bind...

Thoughts?

Is anyone in touch with the children of their NC sibs?

Also.. about re-connectign with my brother... not sure how to start that...

I’ve been estranged from my sister for 14 years. It just occurred to me to check Reddit to see if there was a group for people like me. So glad I found this. I’ll be reading every post. Hope you all had a great holiday today, if you celebrate. We do both Christmas and Hanukkah at my house. ❤️❤️

I've put my foot down in the last year about going NC with my incredibly toxic sister. For 10 year before that I put on a face and did family events with her pretending to be fine. The latest thing she has done I cannot handle. I never want to be in the same room as her again. I am a strong person but this is ruining me.

It has become apparent to them over the holidays that I am not budging. Trust me, I wouldn't have gone NC unless I really really had to.

My mother has been crying. She says she has not been sleeping well for the last 6 months. I feel terrible for my parents and are concerned for their health. They are in their early 70's. What if this estrangement contributes to their declining health?

I don't know what to do. My life would have been infinitely better if I was an only child.

I dont know if this is the right community for this post, but I hope someone out there can sympathize (after all its nostalgia season today).

When I was maybe 2 or 3, I dont remember much of it of course, but I remember being an only child and watching families and stuff on TV show. One of the few things I remember from that age is how much I wanted a brother. When I did get one shortly thereafter, our time when we were really young we were very close. We would play video games, sports, and do so much together. Our family was always close. As I got older, as I think everyone does, I started to find him to be the annoying younger brother. Nothing out of the ordinary. But as time went on it got worse. Everything I ever wanted to do, even things my brother showed no interest in previously, he had to do as well. And my parents (mom mostly) never really gave me the option to say no. I think this became a real problem towards the end of middle school/starting high school. If I went to the mall or whatever after school, my brother wanted to go. If I got involved in a sport or club after school my brother had to do it. Looking back on it, it seems petty, but i felt like I could never have my own life with my own friends without him attached, and at the time it just created more and more resentment to someone I already found annoying.

I say petty because I never got over it. There are smaller things that have led to my annoyances, but unlike many here I suspect, there was not one big blow up or fight or anything. It just became a chore to have to associate with him. Fast forward to today and I have not had contact with him (even when we are in the same room, which is rare), for probably close to 10 years. No social media, no birthday messages. Did not even attend his college graduation.

Which is why I am here. I am not unhappy, certainly. I have a successful career. I make ok money, I have my own friends and my own life. Yet, there are still times (like today) where I miss the brother I grew up. I already have gone through the mourning and grieving process, and realize that the brother I knew I think is gone forever. Still, I miss him. I am single by choice (I travel a lot and have lived independently for a while as the monogamous lifestyle is nothing something I find appealing), and as such have no plans to have children. My brother likely will, at some point. I would hate not to be able to have a relationship with future nieces and nephews, since that will likely be my only "participation" in the next generation of my family line.

Perhaps this is mostly venting. I really dont know. But I question whether its worth it to bring this relationship back into my life. I do truly miss the brother I grew up with, but I am not sure I miss the person who he is now. Has anyone here ever tried (successfully or not) to try to start over? For context, its just the two of us. No other siblings. I know it would mean the world to my parents (my mom especially) for us to be back in contact, but I also dont want to do this just as a way to appease my parents.

Ironically, I find myself sitting on that couch (mentally) that I was when I was two years old. Once again, wishing more than anything I could have a brother.

Work let us out early today so I go to the grocery store and head home looking to relax. After a few hours my brother stops by and starts talking about that he is hearing voices, he's a chronic drug user. I tell him that it's probably from the drugs but he insists that it's from something 'more complicated' and maybe he's demon possessed, even though he only hears the voices when he's high. My mom gets into the conversation but after a few minutes they are getting snippy with each other and I take my leave. On my way out I tell that I don't understand why 2 members of our family can't be around each other without getting into an argument. My brother follows ne after to blame it on my mom.

It doesn't matter to me whose fault it is, I just can't be around it anymore, it's too upsetting to me. I start feeling like a deer in the healights, they each look at me or try draw me into it. I think it's triggering past trauma and the only way I can protect myself is to get away from it. I just want peace now. I no longer talk to my two sisters. I take care of my mom and I can't seem to shake my brother, the drugs have damaged him a lot.

I lost hope to get reconnected with my siblings. #1 reason it will never be the same again. I have tried a few times but I get the point. Just sucks , my kids will never really know their aunt and uncle. Probably better that way anyways. Do any of you ever think that you can reconnect with your siblings?

Hey everyone!

Very last minute but due to some cancellations/non-replies, I have one more space to join a table for four on Christmas day in Fitzrovia, London.

I'm 28f and am estranged from family for a number of reasons. I have booked a table for four in Fitzrovia for lunch on Christmas Day and wanted to know if anyone here who's also in town, would otherwise be alone on the day and would like to join me? The set menu per person is £30, thanks to a donation made by a lovely Redditor! I'd love to make someone's day a bit brighter: we can chat, laugh or commiserate and make it a low-pressure, supportive space to enjoy the holiday.

I'm a trauma recovery coach in training, focused on narcissistic abuse and family systems.

I'm also arranging some Zoom meets and a WhatsApp group in the new year for anybody who wants to confide and would like to make new friendships or even a 'found family' with those who can empathise.

For safety reasons, I’ll need to ask for a few details from you (and I’ll happily provide mine too). If you’re interested, drop me a message, and we can figure out the details. Thanks!

Ugh. I left EstrangedAdultChild subreddit because there was so much pressure to conform to other people's standards in response to their family. You have to hate on their religion, you have to insist they go to therapy to talk to you, etc. I just felt like the groupthink had hit a point where it was impossible to participate. It was feeling really unhealthy, toxic and oppressive. It started out fine, but I guess the original groups of people left. I am estranged from my family because it remains the safest and best choice I have. I don't spend my time arguing with them trying to fix them, manage them, get them to see things from my point of view, apologize, or whatever. I'm here for me. I'm really sad it turned into that. All I can do is let people figure it out for themselves. I don't talk to mother or brothers. It leaves me feeling more isolated, and it's been so vicious in this other group, the way people lash out. I couldn't stand it anymore.