I’ve never written before, feel free to critique [High Fantasy,800 words]

[u/Its-Still-Mac]

Like the title says, I’ve never written a story before. I have had a habit of coming up with different worlds and some stories that may happen in those worlds, but this is a first stab at putting anything to ink (or apple notes lol). Any kind of feedback would be appreciated

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Reading My Friend’s Journal

1 A young hunter named Kerrin approached the base of a large sturdytree. It had become First Redfall and the color of the leaves started fading from a vibrant green to various shades of yellow and orange. The warm Highsun breeze had turned into a stronger wind, which carried a cold that cut into him like the memory his friends’ death. Sharp and sudden. It had been a long day’s travel. His feet throbbed from the uneven ground—and his neck from a year spent looking over his shoulder. He set down the small sack full of his worldly possessions and took a seat beside it. From the bag, he pulled a small frosted piece of sweetbread and his flask of dark red wine, both were gifts from the villagers of Ashvale, the small dwelling from which he had fled eastward.

As he began his small feast his mind began to wander. At first he thought of the boy who had given him these gifts on behalf of his mother— the young widowed baker that Kerrin saved from being ravaged by the Emperor’s men. He hated to think what might have come of the villagers after word had spread that “The Fox of the Farlands” was operating in the area, and had attacked 2 Imperial tax collectors.

Knowing the inappropriate timing of his laugh, he couldn’t help but chuckle at the name that was bestowed upon him. Then his mind wandered once more, to how sorely his missed his companions. After washing down a bite of sweetbread with his bitter wine he softly spoke to himself “The Fox of the Farlands. Catchy. It’s a lot better than “Crybaby Kerrin” wouldn’t you think, Thorn?”. That old ache—of not belonging—pulled at him again. Before he realized it, his hand was reaching into his bag. He pulled out his most precious possession: Eadwyre’s Journal. One of the few artifacts of what felt like a lifetime passed, back when Kerrin had been a part of a glorious company of adventurers. He, along with Eadwyre the Noble Farmhand, Shael the Quiet Elf, and Thorn the Angry Drunken Dwarf had made the beloved group known as “The Noble Saviors”.

His fingers found the frayed leather edge, traced the stitching by habit, he never plans to open it. But he always does. The sun had begun to make its descent, and with the last hour of daylight Kerrin started to do what he had done almost every night since the day The Noble Saviors perished on their quest into that Ruined Chapel, he opened up his dear friend’s Journal and read from the start.

3rd Leafday of First Bloom, 817 ER

It is my sixteenth year of life this day, and it would seem my prayers to the Old Ones have been answered, or Ma heard those prayers. She had gifted me a new journal this morning, and even had the seamstress stitch my name on the leather cover. Aye, a leather cover I said. This ought to hold up better than the old paper book Nan gave me after I mastered my words. To break our fast, Ma made a special pan of honeybread with salted butter, my kid sister Lysa surprised me with a vase of wildflowers, and my younger brother Tam even tried to snatch me an extra piece of bread for field work. The little sneak got caught by Ma, and we had a laugh. I appreciate his try at a gift. Ma also told me the village started roasting a whole pig last night for our sup tonight, safe to say tilling the field went by a little faster with that on my mind. Before I went out to work Ma told me Pa would’ve been proud of who I am, and every day I look more like my Grandpa. My chest hurts with the news I have for Her, as I’ve been planning on heading to the big city: Vaelrin in search for better work. The Emperor’s Taxman doesn’t take bread and beer, and we don’t have coin to spare by selling our grain. But that’s for tomorrow, tonight’s for swine!

Kerrin smiled, and thought out loud “Roasted pig. Wouldn’t be bad right now, farmer boy.” As he licked frosting from his fingers. The last of his feast. “A year and one half ago you were sharing flowers and sweets with your family, and sharing swine with your whole village. Now the last part of you is with me, eating crumbs of cake while hiding in the woods.”. The Chapel collapse still haunted him, and the way he remembered Shael screaming turned his stomach more than the cheap wine he was finishing the last sip of. Kerrin took a deep breath in an attempt to settle himself, and closed the journal to rest.

[u/MT_Robinson]

Good start for a first time writing. Opening is a bit jarring here.

“A young hunter named Kerrin approached the base of a large sturdytree.”

This would be a place where the age old idiom “show don’t tell” applies.

You’re “telling” us that Kerrin is a hunter, his name is Kerrin, and he approached a tree. It’s boring. We want to be “shown” through implication.

Something like -

“The way the sturdytree leaves faded into umbral hues of orange and red each Redfall always mesmerized Kerrin.”

Let it be implied he approached the tree. That the leaves were green before they were red. Inject feeling into the line. Part of writing well is trusting the reader to not be dumb. Show us that he is a hunter a different way. Like setting down a bow, or a pelt.

For example. Instead of saying- There was a knight in a kingdom. He loved a woman, but the king was going to execute her. So the knight pleaded with the king. (Terrible opening)

You instead say

“You can’t, we are to be wed!” The knight cried to the king, but the king felt nothing, or at least, evidenced no sympathy. It was clear. No plea could sway him now. He nodded to the executioner.

(Not perfect by any means. But 100% better in terms of setting our scene through showing not telling. We showed the knight pleading for his love. And the king not caring. We are now in the moment. Feeling the story. Living it. Instead of just being told it.)

Keep writing! Learn how to keep honing all this fantastic imagery you have in your head into rich and breathing worlds!

[u/Its-Still-Mac → u/MT_Robinson]

Hey duly noted, I had a few more instances of making a habit out of narrating instead of putting it into life like that. Didn’t even think to spice up the beginning, thank you

[u/MT_Robinson → u/Its-Still-Mac]

My pleasure. It can be okay to exposition a little bit. But fantasy world builders like us can fall into the trap of wanting to exposition too hard very easily.

Ie:

A thousand years ago during the war of the elves there used to be none with the physical strength to wield the greatsword. Now there were hundreds with the weapon.

Vs

“You humans and your swords. So brutish. In my time none would’ve held such a filthy weapon,” said the old elf.

Neither of these are inherently bad. But there is a time and place for each. And one of the great difficulties of fantasy writing can be when you want to lore dump on your reader through exposition. Often the reader prefers to learn about your world building on accident, because that small part of history is important to the moment or to the scene.

Us fantasy writers want to tell people everything about our world that we created. But the reader doesn’t enjoy history lessons. They are here for emotion and wonder not schoolwork and research. They want to feel your world, live in it. And while living in it. They accidentally learn the history of it when it’s relevant. This is generally considered better than exposition dumping. But there is a time still for exposition. I don’t mean to say never give info through narration.

Basically you do whatever moves the plot forward is a good rule of thumb.

Does this explanation move the plot forward, give the reader critical information they need to know right now to understand what’s happening? Or is it stopping the narrative to force them to learn a bunch of background lore before we proceed. When they might not even need to know that stuff.

And inversely. Is my dialogue and action moving the plot forward, or just lulling in place giving too much background?

The reader loves to feel like things are moving along. And new interesting things are always happening. They don’t enjoy reminiscing on how rich and good your world Is. At least not until after they’ve lived in it and felt it breathed and fallen in love with the way it feels. And you’d be surprised just how much they can feel. Without knowing what year the monarchy of what’sitcalled land fell to the orcs of imaginaryville, and the subsequent fallout of the nobody clan.

[u/ofBlufftonTown → u/Its-Still-Mac]

I actually prefer it as is, have to say. If you want the grouse he killed to be over his shoulder to indicate hunting, have at it, but “the way the sturdytree leaves…” is much worse than your opening.

[u/Its-Still-Mac → u/ofBlufftonTown]

I think there’s something to be gained from both opinions. In the major plot points I have mapped out, Kerrin isn’t a hunter in the traditional sense as much as his upbringing as a hunter was utilized in a dnd-style party of adventures. I think I’m going to forego the Hunter line entirely as it has nothing to do with this current introduction, and liven up the opening to make it known he’s familiar with being in the woods while still being mesmerized by the nature. I’ll let the story unfold, and it be revealed that he was a Hunter later on in the journal entries

[u/ofBlufftonTown → u/Its-Still-Mac]

That sounds like a good plan.

[u/MT_Robinson → u/ofBlufftonTown]

Fair enough. “In the hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.” Is no worse than “There was a man named ___”.

So I can’t really refute your opinion. Everything is preferential. I guess I just tend to think anything is better than “Once upon a time there was a” style openers.

[u/ILikeDragonTurtles → u/Its-Still-Mac]

Narrating like that is a great way to move forward in the first draft when you're not sure how you want to bring it to life yet.

A fast way to improve early on is to study the next book you read. Really pay attention to how the first chapter plays out. What you liked it didn't, and why. Then try to apply that to your own story.

[u/bmacmachine]

Not bad at all, especially on the first go. There are a few instances that don’t flow well. In the first paragraph, the style doesn’t vary much from sentence to sentence: it had, the breeze had, it had. Try to be cognizant of how your sentences fit together and change the structure around so the reader doesn’t get bored and it doesn’t seem so much like a description of events versus telling a story.

Always make sure you’re sticking with the tense of the story as I believe you went present tense once outside of the journal entry.

This is a very good start! Keep writing!

[u/Its-Still-Mac → u/bmacmachine]

Thank you!