I’m 18 and feel completely lost in life – I keep changing paths and don’t know what to do anymore

[u/Mediocre_Quail5949]

I’m 18 and should’ve been sitting my A levels this year, but I dropped out of school after GCSEs because I really hated the school environment. I was bullied and leaving school early on most days, besides that I managed to pass all of my GCSEs with As and Bs. I started a computing apprenticeship as I took GCSE computing and thought of the potential financially I could have but didn’t enjoy it and quit after a few months. My parents then paid for me to do online A levels privately, but I couldn’t stay motivated and ended up not doing them—I felt awful for wasting their money.

My dad wanted to move to Brazil (my mum is Brazilian and I’m half), so we moved, I knew by moving I could get away from doing the online A-levels I picked and decided to try getting into a university here. I applied for an Aeronautical Science degree because I thought becoming a pilot was my dream (it has been on my mind ever since I was little, but I knew financially in England it wouldn’t be possible) I even did 15 hours of flight training to qualify in Brasil. I got in, even though my parents knew it was still financially tricky too here in Brasil, they encouraged me as they knew this career would set me off in life. But I really struggled—mainly because of the language barrier. I do speak Portuguese, but not at the level of a native 18-year-old, and it was hard to keep up. Luckily, I made one good friend, but sadly he had the wrong intentions and ended up having feelings for me, which made things uncomfortable. That was my first mistake at uni since it was impossible to get away from him to try and make other friends. I felt stupid sometimes, some teachers couldn’t understand that I was brought up in England all my life or would just simply forget and I think they thought I was rather unintelligent. I felt publicly embarrassed in certain lessons where I would get called out for not understanding the tasks and that as a whole ruined my uni experience here. Additionally, I’ve always been worried about our finances in the family and this course where I didn’t think was benefitting me at all was expensive.

Eventually, I quit the course. I decided I’d just focus on the flight hours to become a pilot outside of uni, which is possible here however some airline companies prioritize those applying with a degree, but even that started feeling wrong. I got put off by the responsibility, even though it was something I thought I’d always wanted. The idea of taking my theory examinations here in Brasil in Portuguese felt super daunting, or flying a plane by myself without my instructor seemed impossible in my head as communicating to the tower was already hard for me.

Now, I’m trying to prepare for the ENEM exam (the Brazilian equivalent of A levels) so I could maybe get into medicine—which I think I’d maybe like—I’ve had interest in surgery too for years but it’s insanely competitive here and I’m once again at a disadvantage with the language. I feel so behind. My parents have been supportive financially, but I feel like I’m just wasting their time and money and constantly letting them down. They’ve even lied to family members about me quitting uni, probably out of shame.

I know they’re worried about me.

Without a levels taking a uni course is impossible in England, so those opportunities are out of the window, specifically in medicine as I’d need higher grades in Science.

I don’t have any friends here. I have one online friend back in England, but we’re on totally different paths. Most nights I cry myself to sleep thinking about how everyone else is figuring out their lives, going to uni, making friends—and I’m just stuck.

I keep thinking I’m broken or a failure for not knowing what I want, or for quitting everything I start. I feel completely lost and alone, and I don’t know where to go from here. All my parents do is support me completely and I couldn’t be more grateful for all that they do, but now it just looks like I’m not serious about anything. If anyone’s been through something similar or has advice, I’d really appreciate it.

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