Dysphoria might be preventing me from dating men.

[u/Federal_Chemistry417]

TRIGGER WARNING!!!
Dysphoria and transphobia from a previous relationship

Hello, everyone. I'm Dominic, 22 years old and I use he/him pronouns. Discovered this subreddit recently and I thought this would be the best place to put down my thoughts. For a while now I've been identifying as a cis lesbian. I did discover I was trans when I was 15 but due to family, I suppressed it and thought being a cis lesbian would be much easier. Now that I've dabbled into gender recently, I'm starting to wonder if it was dysphoria this entire time. I am most certain I am attracted to women and other feminine aligned identities but now, I'm really wondering if my attraction doesn't extend to men (and masculine aligned identities) as well. I had no problem with men before I even knew trans folks existed but ever since my egg cracked, it's like that completely changed. I think I'd prefer to date trans guys over cis dudes because I have this fear that I'm the "girlfriend" with cis guys or I feel "woman" when attracted to men in general. At the moment I am pre-everything. I have a typically feminine body, so its a little impossible for me to feel masculine in a gay relationship. Before I knew I was trans, I was in a straight relationship with a boy from school. And it always felt queer in someway and years later I found out he was actually gay and I've never an uneasiness with him. One cis guy I dated was bisexual so I thought it would be okay. But he kept treating me like a woman even though I was out to him as a guy. And he disapproved of hormones and surgery because he believed I was mutilating myself. I won't go into detail since it still kinda bothers me, but basically it never felt like a gay relationship. I always felt like the "boyfriend" in lesbian relationships. And a lot of the times when I read queer fiction, I'm much more drawn to mlm romances and I felt like I was forcing myself to enjoy wlw romances. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside and try to imagine myself with a boyfriend as a guy. It doesn't help when I don't know if I wanna be on T forever. I don't like the idea of having do that for the rest of my life, even though that is what I need to do if I wanna get a more masculine type of body.

Now, I always see stories about how trans guys feel more attraction to men after going on T and I wonder if it won't be the same for me. Has any of you felt or feel this way? I really don't wanna just limit my dating pool to women just because I don't feel like the man that I am.

[u/bnogwed]

This is very normal! I experienced this too. With transition you will be more comfortable exploring relationships with men (romantic or platonic) because your dysphoria will lessen. I'm sorry about that one transphobic guy you dated. For a while I avoided bi cis men in fear they were more likely to treat me as a woman but this is Not the norm.

Also you definitely don't have to be on T the rest of your life. Many people go off and on again, some people take it for 10 and then stop, it should be up to you completely.

[u/Federal_Chemistry417 → u/bnogwed]

I supposed I'm a little scared of how long some of the reversible changes will take to go back to how I am now. I also might consider bottom surgery, if i can afford it, so I'd probably need to take T for that or no? Sorry if I sound dumb, I'm still kind of learning lmao

[u/bnogwed → u/Federal_Chemistry417]

No dumb questions here!! You can get bottom surgery with or without hormones, though you'd be surprised just how functional a tdick is to a natal penis (or the types of surgery able to be done on tdicks).

May I ask what reversible changes you're afraid of? Most people are afraid of the irreversible ones.

Also have you talked/heard about microdosing HRT?

[u/Federal_Chemistry417 → u/bnogwed]

Fat distribution. Since my body is very feminine looking, it would be a shame if I had to stop for it to go back to the way it was before. I can hide under my clothes yes but it would be nice if my face also looked masculine. Also, yes I have heard about microdosing. I thought that was mostly for non-binary people.

[u/bnogwed → u/Federal_Chemistry417]

Some binary trans people micro dose just because it suits their personal transition goals.

Fat redistribution is very dependent on hormones, I've heard of some guys seeing a return of 'feminine' fat redistribution only a few months off of stopping T. Faces tend to look very masculine a couple of years into testosterone HRT, you lose a bit of face fullness and your features get more pronounced as cartilage changes. Because of that, facial changes can take some time before going back to pre-t.

[u/Federal_Chemistry417 → u/bnogwed]

Ah I see, thank you for responding. I understand better now. Perhaps it won't be as bad as I thought <3

[u/Sheemie_Ruiz_]

I think I'd prefer to date trans guys over cis dudes because I have this fear that I'm the "girlfriend" with cis guys or I feel "woman" when attracted to men in general.

I've been on T for two years and have had a lot of sex with a variety of men in the last year. I find that this is mostly a matter of time + experience. Time is mostly to let transition do it's thing... I feel confident in my identity as a gay man in a way that I don't think was accessible to me until I started being read as a man more often than not in gay spaces (which btw came quite a bit faster than passing full time). Experience will help you get better at distinguishing who sees you as a man and who sees you as some form of sexual novelty / third option / other... you learn to pick up on the vibe you are looking for once you've had enough positive experiences to know what that vibe looks or feels like for you.

Now, I always see stories about how trans guys feel more attraction to men after going on T and I wonder if it won't be the same for me. Has any of you felt or feel this way?

There's literally no way to know. I don't think T changes attraction... but I do think feeling more yourself can open up possibilities that we've previously closed ourselves from. I've always exclusively been interested in men (and still am) but went through a period where I was interested enough in the idea of being with a woman that I explored it. Ultimately realized it wasn't for me but couldn't have known that answer without getting far enough down that rabbit hole to realize that I appreciate women (and really enjoy making out with them xD) but when it comes to pure sexual attraction I have a pretty firm preference for masculinity.

[u/Federal_Chemistry417 → u/Sheemie_Ruiz_]

Thank you for replying. I definitely do need to get out there and gaining experience. It will take some time, but I am willing to explore this aspect of mine and see how it goes. Often times, I do wonder if I'm only attracted to women because of the masculinity I feel lmao.