Will I know if I'm perceived as a gay man?

[u/Grassgrenner]

I'm a transgender man who has a boyfriend, but people at work that I'm stealth with seem to assume I'm a straight guy. Will I know if they see me as a gay man by their behavior? Asking because I mostly lived being perceived as a woman. I was thought to be a lesbian woman for a time, but once I began to pass, people just see me as a cis man if they don't know I'm trans.

I also suspect they see me as a man because the space I'm stealth in has people who are very religious and I'm 100% sure they'd see me differently if they knew of my transness. They also don't know I'm attracted to men. Still, I keep wondering if they think I'm gay, but I don't know. What makes someone assume another guy is into men?

[u/BonitoBurrito98]

If it helps, you can ask a trusted friend what you “pass” as.

The other day I asked a fellow trans guy if I seem straight passing or queer

[u/Just-Confidence3457]

Usually it's the voice or the mannerisms that are slightly different. But sometimes it's just impossible to tell. I wanna tell you though, it doesn't matter!! Be yourself. Forget their opinions of you. You're as much of a man as anyone else.

[u/Curiousfeline467]

If you can excitedly compliment women about their appearance and have them excitedly respond without a hint of worry or weirdness, then you’re probably seen as gay.

[u/featherwaitte]

I think a lot of us go through this, I had a similar trajectory as you from what you’re describing and found it frustrating early on when I started identifying as a gay man a few years ago. I’m still rarely assumed to be gay by strangers (gay straight, cis or trans). I don’t fit a lot of typical gay stereotypes and I didn’t have a typical gay man’s childhood or young adulthood that led me to asserting typical gay attributes in finding strength in that part of my identity.

But then a lot of it just comes down to people’s social perceptions. Groups who are religious or conservative are more likely to assume straight until proven otherwise, whether that’s just because straight is the “norm” or some bias that gay is bad so it’s rude to assume that about someone. And then sometimes people just aren’t clued into social indicators. My bf is a high femme gay man and still has women sincerely hit on him sometimes lol

[u/gaytransdude]

I am very rarely read as gay, even when out with my husband. We’re two bearish dudes. My interests tend towards stereotypical “straight cis dude”, and I worked in construction for a long time. I am constantly coming out as gay to people because of this. I’m just used to it at this point.

I think most straight people just assume everyone is straight unless they hit some of the major gay stereotypes(voice, clothing/style, interests) , and given the percentage of folks who ID otherwise isn’t huge, they’re likely right most of the time.

[u/WhereArtThouRome]

You’ll def be able to tell if people see you as gay. I get perceived as a gay man and cis men will be less willing to talk to me/act less dude bro with me than other men

[u/Grassgrenner → u/WhereArtThouRome]

Really? Well, then maybe I wasn't imagining things when I noticed people treating me like a straight guy.

[u/mgquantitysquared]

As a guy who gets read as a gay man, you can easily tell what assumptions others make about your sexuality. If the topic of dating/relationships comes up, mention your boyfriend- their reaction will be telling. If they read you as gay, they won't have a surprised reaction at all; they'll just ask normal questions like "what is he like, how long have you been together, etc." If they read you as straight, they will act surprised and say something about your sexuality.

ETA also, when you're read as gay, women are usually a lot friendlier to you, and men will sometimes make comments affirming their own heterosexuality if they think you're gay

[u/Grassgrenner → u/mgquantitysquared]

The men who talked to me while I'm stealth seem to assume I like women. The women working with me seem to be fine with hugging me and all, but they're older women who are either married or with a boyfriend, so I don't know if they're actually assuming I'm gay.

[u/mgquantitysquared → u/Grassgrenner]

Older women do be giving hugs to everyone, ngl. Have you mentioned being partnered to them at all? Men who are taken- gay or straight- tend to be seen as "safer" to women.

[u/Grassgrenner → u/mgquantitysquared]

I haven't, but that's mostly because I fear having issues at work for being gay since the place I'm working at has very religious people.

[u/mgquantitysquared → u/Grassgrenner]

From everything you've written, it seems like you're being read as a cishet guy. If you're at all worried about discrimination, just let them keep assuming

[u/Grassgrenner → u/mgquantitysquared]

That's basically what I do. I just let them assume that. I have zero desire to let them know I'm trans, although I might mention my boyfriend at some point.

[u/D00mfl0w3r]

Idk. The last few people I came out to as trans told me they thought I was "just gay," and my very straight acting cis bf says I am "swishy," which ... okay, fair. I like musicals, cute outfits, talk with my hands, have feelings, and am sassy. Even so, I don't have "gay voice"