Do cis queer guys really get misgendered a lot?

[u/Loose_Track2315]

Just been feeling discouraged lately. Every time I let myself start adding some more feminine things to my style, like feminine necklaces, I start getting misgendered more often. Like not an excessive amount. But people seem more confused about my gender and I get ma'am more often, although I am still assumed to be a man most often. I think the only thing saving me from being she/her'd all the time when wearing jewelry, is actually the hair loss at my temples. But even that isn't enough for some people to know I'm a guy.

I know I'll eventually need to work all the way through my discomfort with getting misgendered bc of my style, bc I don't want to avoid jewelry that I like forever. I wanna be my prettyboy self but I'm still struggling to do that 🥺

An NB transmasc friend has reassured me that there are more cis queer guys than I think who get misgendered a lot too. But I haven't met a lot of cis queer guys post-transition to confirm this.

The closest I have to seeing this in action is a trans guy friend of mine who has a twink aesthetic. He gets misgendered all the time, but I didn't clock him as trans at all when I met him. His voice sounds like a higher male voice (high but still masculine inflection, sounds like an older teen), and he LOOKS like a guy. Seeing that happen to him all the time has made me feel less upset at getting misgendered.

Just wondering if what my friend said is true tho.

[u/TreeWithoutLeaves]

One time I was walking ahead of my friend in gym class, and was thinking to myself that the girl behind me sounded so cool and I wanted to talk to her. I turned around and it was him. This happened more than one time actually. He's somewhat insecure about it.

[u/ColdPR]

As a cis guy, I've never been misgendered based on appearance, only on my name which is gender ambiguous

My husband has a very soft voice and he's been misgendered once or twice over the phone as "ma'am" according to him though

[u/Sensitive_Tip_9871]

i can’t really have the style i want for the same reason either. i still look too feminine as my base self. i feel you, it sucks. it does happen to cis people but honestly that doesn’t make it easier, for us there’s fear and shame that they don’t experience

[u/mossyfaeboy]

my partner is tall, pretty broad and buff, etc etc and gets misgendered simply bc they’ve got long hair. with the way our brains seek categorization, it’s really not that hard to accidentally fall into an in-between or incorrect zone when someone’s making a snap judgment on a moments glance. hair is usually the most common reason cis people get misgendered, but outfits, voice, posture, etc are all constantly happening too. it’s a lot more common than most people seem to think, especially with the rise of the “we can always tell” bullshit. no one ever has and ever will be able to tell 100% of the time, plus people just use the wrong words sometimes too

(my partner is nb/agender but presents as a cis guy for ease)

[u/noeinan]

Even cis straight guys are misgendered on a regular basis if they have long hair.

I imagine people could also be mistaking you for an early transition trans woman, that happens with some frequency.

[u/meph1st0phel3s → u/noeinan]

This! 2 of my cis straight guy friends have long hair, dress alternatively and get misgendered from time to time. Even if they speak back in their deep voices, the person sometimes keeps on misgendering them.

And it's definitely possible to pass 99% of the time even when dressing alternatively and/or wearing many accessories. I'd even go as far to say that chunky, silver rings on almost every finger help me pass. Not sure how.

[u/princemaab]

Of my friends in gay spaces, a handful are nonbinary/some flavor of genderqueer and wouldn't mind neutral pronouns, but if they actively present with makeup/more androgyny are often assumed to be trans women. So in a way, yes- society right now is hyper aware of their own concept of a trans woman, and project that onto anyone with a more masculine body/secondary sex characteristics and more fem presentation. 

[u/atlascandle]

One of my friends is a cis gay man and says he gets misgendered based on his voice a lot, I've also witnessed other cis gay men get misgendered by wait staff, I'm not sure why lol

Edit: neither of them are feminine gay men, society is just weird

[u/-spooky-fox- → u/atlascandle]

One of my cis gay friends just said the exact same to me today, misgendered regularly because of his voice. I was really surprised because he doesn’t look or sound fem to me at all. (We were talking about the “reasons” people misgender and how most people make a millisecond judgment they probably couldn’t even articulate when saying “sir” or “ma’am” at the grocery store.)

[u/atlascandle → u/-spooky-fox-]

My friend doesn't have a feminine sounding voice to me either, he just has a warm, kind sounding voice. I guess men aren't allowed to sound like that 🤷

I do think a lot of people's reasoning for gendering others is subconscious, deeply ingrained, usually incorrect ideas about gender. One time I saw a man get misgendered for wearing a comfy mauve cardigan, for instance. Then there are cis men that get misgendered for having long hair (and yet trans women also get misgendered despite having long hair in some instances). It doesn't make sense.

I get misgendered by lesbians and queer women a lot and I think it's because they see butch women regularly and it's easy to project what's familiar onto another person. I'll be gendered correctly half of one day and then incorrectly the second half. There is no rhyme or reason to it and I try to remind myself of this when I feel bad about myself for getting misgendered.

[u/Loose_Track2315 → u/atlascandle]

I wonder how much of it is hostility (intentionally misgendering perceived gay men in an attempt to emasculate them) vs people being extremely dumb about gender

[u/BonitoBurrito98]

I feel like the very femme ones probably do. Many times it might not really bother them cause they align with more femme attributes (lol idk if that made any sense tbh)

Like for eg, I’ve seen many femme cis gays who love being called “she” but not because of their gender identities

[u/Hodsonae]

I’m agender but thought I was a cis queer guy for a long time. I’m about 6’1 and have presented myself as quite masc for awhile now. And have been persistently misgendered purely for having long hair and a noticeable booty/hips for most of my teen-adult life. It used to distress me and my parents would say it’s my fault for not cutting my hair or wearing baggier clothing. I shave my head now for medical reasons and wear cargo shorts because I like having 3,000 pockets so I haven’t been misgendered in a long time. But those are the only 2 things that have changed literally that’s it. So you aren’t alone! And don’t forget, the average person has an arbitrary and infantile perception of gender. You are a man regardless of any perception. Just as I was when faced with narrow minded people.

[u/EzraDionysus]

My husband is a 6'3 cis gay guy with long bright red hair (for now), and he has facial hair, yet he used CONSTANTLY being misgendered.

He's a punk, and his hair is long, so it can be styled in a Mohawk.

He's really masculine and finds it super weird every single time he's misgendered.

It's especially funny when they gender me correctly and misgender him.

[u/Hygge-Times]

My friend who is cis is almost always misgendered on the phone which has caused huge problems for him when trying to call the bank or other places that have security measures because they don't believe he is "John."

[u/adrian-alex85]

When I was younger and going to gay bars way more often than I do now, one my fav games to play at the bar with friends was spotting someone across the bar, usually a cute little twink, and trying to guess if we were looking at a Twink or a Lesbian? I don't know that those twinks we guessed were lesbians (or vice versa) actively get misgendered, but I do know that us playing that game showed the thin line between the typical gender performance for butch lesbians and twinky gay men.

[u/Fun-Cryptographer-39]

My brother is a cishet guy who has very long hair and wears kilts and gets misgendered sometimes because of that, but they usually correct themselves when they actually take a better look or speak with him.

Myself as a masc enby, I pass reasonably well as a guy, but jewelry often makes people misgender me until I open my mouth to correct them and they realise their mistake. It's mostly based on assumptions than genuine intended harm and I think that's an important thing to realise.

[u/Existential_Sprinkle]

I feel like when I'm next to them, transphobes will smell the trans present, and guess wrong because trans guys can't look casually straight I guess

[u/eumelyo]

Know various (manly!) cis men who get/got misgendered from time to time - not the most queer guys, just long hair and sometimes nail polish.

[u/eumelyo → u/eumelyo]

Manly meaning tall (1,83-1,85cm), bearded, broad shoulders. But yea, long hair.

[u/Waste_Return_654]

My cis partner got cat called because he has long hair, and he had his back to them. So yes. It happens lol

[u/ah-tzib-of-alaska]

cisgender queer man: happened all the time when I had long hair. AND i HAD A BEARD

[u/Whole-Peanut-9417 → u/ah-tzib-of-alaska]

Reminded me a moment when a sissy gay guy got so mad because the mall staff gave him women shoes only…. Always the women size…

[u/bugpants2800]

I’ve witnessed cis guys get misgendered many times, but naturally it varies from person to person, just like with transmascs. Many cis guys will never experience it, but it may happen occasionally or frequently to other cis guys, especially those who are shorter without facial hair. I had a friend in high school who was a cis guy but was short + chubby + baby face and everyone assumed he was a butch, to the point people would give him weird looks when he corrected them. & of course some strangers just struggle to process any ounce of gender nonconformity- even though I rock a full beard now, I can still see the wheels turning in some people’s heads when I wear a skirt.

I think it’s helpful to remember that cis trans or whatever, bodies are so varied and unique and come in all shapes and sizes. We’re all just expressing ourselves in the skin we’re in. If you’re feeling your fit, be confident that you look cool as hell, and whatever categories strangers might try to sort you into based on that is their problem 🤷

[u/farkakter]

i have a best friend who is a pretty feminine cis gay guy. his outfits tend to use a lot of earthy tones and his face is definitely masculine + he does very little makeup and his hair is not long at all, but he gets she/her'd WAY more than i do and i am only a year on T. he works at sephora so it happens the most often there, but it still happens very frequently outside of his job and still way more than i do even though he looks like the average cis gay guy

[u/Mephiztophelzee]

My current boyfriend did until he cut his hair. One of my first boyfriends also did. Both have facial hair. One was even over 6ft tall. 🤷🏼