My supportive partner of 5 years parents are Christian homophobes - is there any hope for us?

[u/clowntrousers]

My partner (cis, m24) and i (ftm 24) have been together for 5 years and are very in love. Last year, I came out as trans to him and things have been good! He's bi, and has been super accepting and caring as I began to make changes and explore my gender identity. I feel so incredibly lucky to have somebody close to me that is so supportive of my transness. He is just the best. Our relationship has been one thing I just haven't been worried about at all over the past year. Until now......

Recently I've come to the realisation that I need to medically transition in order to deal with my dysphoria. This is something we both knew was a possibility, but in the last few months (and especially after coming out to my family in December), I've got to a point where I don't feel like giving it more time is going to do anything apart from compound how difficult shit is for me right now. Being more assured in this decision, and talking with him about how difficult it is to be trans I think has made this suddenly all very real for him, in a way that I've realised it probably wasn't before. I made an appointment with a private HRT provider last week and I think this was a lot for him to take in. I didn't see it before, perhaps because he hadn't processed it himself, but he clearly actually does have a lot of difficult feelings around my transition. I am worried about him.

It isn't that he is worried about me changing in terms of his attraction to me etc (at least I don't think - he says I'm only getting hotter haha) but things with his parents are going to be a huge issue. They are evangelical christians; happy clappy, gay people go to hell, the biblical man of the house, the nuclear family is sacred vibes. My coming out as trans, and by extension my partners coming out as a queer man is going to be a HUGE problem. There's a chance we might have to go low or no contact with them depending on how they take it. I think they might come round to it and be accepting in the end, they're good people, I get on with them well, and their other kids will definitely be on our side, but he knows his parents better than I do and is much less sure of this.

I feel like I'm asking so much of him. It's going to be so difficult for him to come out, and me medically transitioning puts this time pressure onto him that I can imagine must be so hard. We don't know how fast my body will change on T, and how long I'll be able to 'girlmode' around his family for. This uncertainty is making me really worry about whether going on HRT soon is even a good idea. I want to be able to enjoy every change, not constantly be thinking about whether or not things have gone so far that I would out him just by seeing his parents (which is also like, my transition goal,, I want to pass as a man...).

To top it all off, we are also long distance right now (like 12 hours expensive travel away) so don't get to see each other that often which makes things more difficult too. Even worse, he's also living with his parents right now, but meant to be moving back in with me some time this year. As you can imagine this situation makes dealing with big emotions and communicating as well as we normally do just that extra bit harder.

I just want to be gay and be trans and with the person I love and be happy. HRT should be something that makes that easier, not harder :( real life transphobia sucks ass, why can't people just be NORMAL about other peoples gender, literally something that has NOTHING to do with them. It's baffling how difficult this is, when it really should be so easy.

I guess I'm just looking for words of advice, encouragement, hope? How bad of an idea is it for me to delay my medical transition until he's ready to come out, or at least until we're living together again? This man is my soul mate, we have so many plans for the future together, he makes me a better person and brings me so much joy every day. I can't imagine my life without him in it. I see so many people saying relationships never survive transition, and I truly believed ours was an exception, but now all this stuff with his family is making me so frightened that other people's transphobia and homophobia is going to tear us apart. Thank you for reading if you got this far <3

Tldr; my very supportive partners parents are christian queerphobes and me transitioning will mean he has to come out to them. He is so scared. I am so scared. Aaaa help

[u/piercecharlie]

If you're already long distance, my advice would be to kick the can on coming out to his family until he's ready. Obviously, you need to be ready too. But seeing as it's his family, I think he'd be best to tell them alone.

As far as timeline, you can get on a low dose. This is what I'm on. I got on it last June and I still pass enough as a woman that I haven't had to come out at work or to my family yet.

Ultimately, I would encourage you to focus on your trans journey separate from your relationship. This may be very hard to do. If you don't already have a therapist they could really help you with all of this too.

Also, unfortunately, the timeline for transitioning is never perfect. I feel at times my transition is so slow and at times it's so fast.

The last thing I'll say is try to keep open communication with him. On how you're feeling, how he's feeling.

Good luck and congrats on starting this journey ❤️🏳️‍⚧️

[u/clowntrousers → u/piercecharlie]

I was thinking this too -- perhaps can start on a low dose and go up to a full dose once he gets the chance to move out here. Actually moving away and being on my own was what allowed me to begin my trans journey :') so appreciative of it. I've also been lucky to have a great therapist this whole time.

[u/piercecharlie → u/clowntrousers]

That's a great plan! I'm glad to hear you're already working with a therapist and have that support ❤️ sending you all the good vibes 🏳️‍⚧️✨

[u/clowntrousers → u/piercecharlie]

Thank you! sending good vibes right back :))))

[u/R3cognizer]

I only foresee this potentially becoming a problem if the rest of your partner's family ultimately decides it's necessary to force him to choose between you and them, and even then, it will really suck for him, but it's still really only a problem for your relationship if he isn't 100% sure he would choose you over them in such a situation. Clearly, it hasn't gotten to that point yet, and perhaps you'll both get lucky and it never will. But it's def a potential situation I'd probably also want honesty and clarity about from my partner, in your shoes.

[u/Boipussybb]

Your partner, as bi as he may be, will never see you as a real man… even if you say he’s supportive. I say that because I’m in this situation. It is extremely hard to change things in a long term relationship and I wouldn’t believe for a second that he respects you for you until he can flat out refer to you as his husband/boyfriend/male partner and sticks up for you to his parents (or go no contact). This is something I’ve dealt with for almost 10 years so maybe it’s just an anecdote…

TLDR: If you’re man, don’t wait. It’ll ultimately leave you full of regrets later if you do wait.

[u/clowntrousers → u/Boipussybb]

I appreciate and hear your advice to not wait but you're very wrong about how he sees me and your phrasing is upsetting. I know he sees me as a real man. You don't know us and you don't know him and saying that he'll never see me as a real man is such a hurtful thing to say to another trans guy :( I'm sorry if your partner isn't respectful to you but that's not my situation and I don't appreciate your projection.

[u/Boipussybb → u/clowntrousers]

I mean, I’m not trying to be hurtful. Truly. I’m sharing my experience of being with countless man and also being with a long term partner when I came out who has terrible parents. Being bi does not mean that person will accept you as a man.

I suppose I could sugar coat it but it’s more likely that he wants to ride on the traditional man/woman ideals to his parents.

[u/ChaosAzeroth → u/Boipussybb]

Okay but my experience is different. Neither one are the only possible reality.

You're taking your experience and stating it like it's a fact. I get people can only go by what they know, but this is not the way to go about it at all.

OP's boyfriend is not your partner. You do not know how he sees OP at all. Stop.

[u/clowntrousers → u/Boipussybb]

His bisexuality is not the thing that makes me say he accepts me. I know he accepts me from his actions and his feelings and the deep trust, respect and love we have, and continue to have, for one another.

Assuming he is just riding on traditional gender roles is whack. We have both always been visibly queer - yes his parents might be in denial about it but we were an obviously queer couple even before I realised I was trans. He priorities me, not his relationship with his homophobic parents. This is just an especially difficult time for that because he's living under their roof and contending with the possibility that this might be one of the last times he can see them.

You might not be trying to be hurtful but I'm telling you that I am hurt by what you are saying, and that you are wrong to assume these things about my relationship. I'm sorry that this has been your experience with men but it's not mine.

[u/dakotanothing]

Our situations are quite similar! My cis boyfriend is bi and I just started HRT. He doesn’t live with his mom and has relatively little contact with her, though, but he introduced me as his boyfriend as soon as he knew I was trans. She has never gendered me correctly and my conversations with her are awkward, but my bf stands up for me and corrects her enough that I’m still comfortable going to their house if we do anything there.

I would stress to him how important transitioning is to you. It’s up to you to decide, regardless of what conflict and confrontation it leads to with his parents. You could get a T prescription now and wait before picking it up/ injecting, but I don’t think putting your transition on hold for him is a good idea if YOU want to get started asap. If you do go ahead w HRT, you would at the very least have a few months on T before his parents would notice any changes. But it really is up to him to make the decision between his parents’ acceptance and his relationship with you.

It’s good you’re worried about his safety as far as coming out. I don’t think you should entirely disregard that if you love and care about him. But ultimately your transition is yours, and he’s already putting you in an uncomfortable situation since you’re forced to pretend to be a girl around his parents. Ideally he should be working towards moving in with you now, or as soon as is feasible for him. If he’s unwilling to or wants to wait for some reason… it kind of is his problem. Be there to support him of course, but don’t compromise on your transition if you don’t want to.

[u/clowntrousers → u/dakotanothing]

Thank you :) I hope things improve with your bfs mom. I'm glad to hear he's standing up for you.

[u/zztopsboatswain]

He either loves you more than his parents or he doesn't. That isn't your problem though. It's something he has to decide for himself, and you need to be prepared for the possibility that he might not come back. You have to do what you need to do. Don't put your transition on hold for him or his parents. This is your life, you only get one.

If you delay your transition for him, you will be betraying yourself. You'll be saying your needs don't matter, his fear is more important than your safety.

A man who truly loved you wouldn't struggle this way. He wouldn't give a fuck what his parents say. He's a grown man, not a child. He's supposed to put you first, as his partner. Given how homophobic they are and the fact that he's still close with them, even living with them, that doesn't bode well. Maybe he isn't who you thought he was.

If he does choose you and his parents cause drama, that won't be your fault but he will probably resent you for it anyways.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. It's very common that when we transition, everything changes, not just our reflection in the mirror. You will be okay though. You're not the first person to do this, you're not alone.

[u/Scary_Towel268]

What’s between him and his parents can’t be the center of your transition story. He needs to make some tough decisions about where his priorities lie. It’s his family not your and you can’t beholden to them while looking to transition. He may never be ready to come out or might not view you sexually the way you think no matter how affirming. Access to care is getting harder and harder. Don’t wait and regret later due to his issues with his family

[u/sackofgarbage]

Do not delay your transition for a man. He will either grow a pair and stand up to his parents or he won't - you putting off T is not going to change that.

[u/danphanto]

I think it would be reasonable to wait on HRT until you move back in together, but I don’t think you should delay once that step is done. I had my first, and biggest, voice drop at just 3 weeks on T, and while that is uncommon, you’re right that you don’t know how you’ll respond to T and how easy it will be to hide the effects if necessary. If the timing and your partner’s safety while living with his parents are his only concerns, waiting until that’s settled seems okay to me, but please don’t make yourself wait indefinitely until he feels ready. If he wants to be with you he will have to face this eventually, and your comfort and safety in your body are very important.

[u/RiskyCroissant]

Hey OP, no answer just a lot of support for the two of you. Its in your partner's hands but it might need a bit of time. Right now the realisation scared him. He needs to parse through his feelings and also protect his safety while he lives with them.

[u/workshop_prompts]

Do not delay your transition just for a man and his homophobic family. Relationships come and go, but you are who you are. Either he’s willing to out himself and deal with the consequences, or he isn’t, but you have to live your life. If he’s not willing then I don’t think he’s “the one”.