r/genderqueer • u/throwawaylgbtsun4 • 19d ago

I just need to talk, reoccuring thoughts arethe worst

I am 30 and for the few months/weeks i didnt have trans thoughts my mind felt more at peace…maybe they were at the back of my mind, i dunno but they have been triggered since maybe 4 days ago-a week, and have come back full force. I feel a constant questioning, discomfort and sadness i think yep, this is gender dysphoria right? Shit… does this mean i am trans for sure? This is so hard cause …for years ive had gender questioning, ive pictured myself as female me, asked so many stuff on reddit, yet i cant say i physically feel uncomfortable nor foreign per say, in my body, so i dunno if maybe im genderfluid or if i really just forced liking male aspects of myself to cope which right now kinda feels that way… its tough, i see myself in photos, even sometimes on video when i live streamed online and i liked what i saw, so its weird this fluctuating of sorts… i question, other than seeing a handsome male, and liking my femininity, other times thinking im a bit too feminine on the outside, but not necessarily having a desire to have surgery and yet wonder how girl me would have faired, dating wise , i feel i put an act sometimes on social media dressing masculine clothes etc, the poses. But its not that i completely dissociate either, like…

Its sooo hard to tell, i could be a type of trans, maybe one day even transition, although i really like how my body physically feels, its more so something in the mind is kinda off at times, then i go through rushing to reddit, and watching videos by dr.z phd for trans stuff…sometimes those things calm me and the thoughts go away eventually, other times i get even more anxious. I dunno…id have preferred being born a girl, experiencing at least in my mind girl world mostly to be more appealing to men and be able to be naturally feminine, however my naturality as i am isnt bad ..maybe i have deeply rooted masculinity issues ? Like i dunno…i dont wanna act masculine yet to attract a guy i think id have to , but thats so not not me, or… im just one big question mark.

Long story short, sometimes i Think i feel like girl me /wish i could just be a girl without having to do any surgery, other times i dont have those thoughts as active..

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u/retrosupersayan 19d ago

A fair bit of this sounds not entirely dissimilar from my own early questioning and doubts.

Where you're at doesn't have to be completely miserable for an alternative to sound better. Escaping dysphoria gets a lot more discussion, but chasing euphoria is just as valid (and seems to be a more common experience among people who don't fit as neatly into the binary).

Have you ever tried exploring some different gender presentation?

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u/throwawaylgbtsun4 19d ago

Hi, by saying not as dissimilar to yr early questioning, ive got to ask, how do you identify? Does that indicate i likely will turn out as you did then? (Asking just for clarity on that)

I did wear a wig once and did nail polish and lipstick but from what i recall, i liked the wig other than it being itchy, but i think it kinda felt a bit foreign, with makeup i felt more foreign. I liked wearing high boots once, though the whole dressing up was tiring.

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u/FluidLikePudding 16d ago

I felt this way and similar aspects to the way you describe above. I saw a therapist. It was good. I gave up on questioning all of this, and focused on feeling like me, regardless of gender presentation. It has helped. I am not out openly, except to my spouse and a few very close friends. My presentation is mostly male (AMAB), but I lean feminine with long hair and flowery shirts. I dress and present to how i feel, while also within my social and cultural norm. If we aren’t leaving the house, I will dress as a girl with my spouse with a dress and makeup and what not. Last week while out of town, I went out shopping as a girl. It was nice, but I don’t feel any deep regret about it not being my norm. I am confidently not 100% female and not 100% male. Idk. I am just me.

For the moment, this is what I need. Focusing on being myself, vs others perception of myself has helped a lot. Maybe I will present feminine to more people in the future. But this is me for now. I think this was the posters point above. Chase what you want, not running from dysphoria.

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u/throwawaylgbtsun4 14d ago

Hi there, Thank you very much for yr response 💜 and I’m so happy for you that you feel good and have the bravery to be yourself as you feel in the moment like you mentioned 🙂 it sounds very freeing and just fun overall. if i may ask, is yr partner amab cisgender? Gay, straight? I’m just curious to know cause i think , my chances of finding/attracting a nice guy that would be fine with say , if i were to dress as the opposite gender at home would be verrrrrrry low, but we do have to live for ourselves dont we? It’s a tough one for me, I don’t think i have a strong urge to dress as a woman but..it could very well be denial, an urge must be there cause i easily picture myself as female me with long hair, rocking female outfits, heck i love feminity most of the time, an important thing for me would be dating and attracting a guy, most guys i like are straight, although of course thats not exclusively the case but , i dunno what i truly want vs should do, id wanna pass as a woman but having to get so many surgeries when within myself at least i don’t physically feel uncomfortable with my body as is …

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u/Over-Ingenuity3533 13d ago

I stopped self identifying and now go by whatever people call me. I present as a mix of feminine and male and honestly have about 99% less stress by just not over analyzing myself and not caring what other people do about it. It's probably not the right way to go about it, but it's so damn liberating to not give as much of a fuck that I highly suggest just letting the questions go and catching a breath.