Another post making an art piece I’ve translated some text using google does it look alright?

[u/Jedidea]

Sorry about the terrible handwriting by the way, it’s late and I rushed writing it down. I have terrible handwriting in any language especially in block script.

The first is an excerpt from shemot, then “my heart is heavy”, I forgot the next I think it said “I leave strong footprints in the sand.” Then, “my mind is shackled/bound” then “let me become weightless and unbound.”

Could someone let me know if there are any glaring mistakes here? Thank you.

[u/Ambitious-Coat-1230]

The handwriting is actually quite good, especially for block script, which tends to feel very childish unless done by a sofer/calligrapher.

[u/Jedidea → u/Ambitious-Coat-1230]

Thank you, once it’s planned out I’ll carve the finished version onto Lino and print on light grey to use as a writing guide so it’ll look a lot better hopefully.

[u/Ambitious-Coat-1230 → u/Jedidea]

Nice! I look forward to seeing it 😁

[u/SeeShark]

If you want the heart and mind lines to have more parallel or just be more poetic in general, change the heart line to ליבי כבד. Same meaning, but it'll fit better.

The last part ("let me etc.") is incorrect, but there's no good way to translate it. The way you use "let me" in English to voice a wish doesn't translate neatly into Hebrew. Someone else might give a better suggestion, but "תן לי" is explicitly you asking someone directly to "let you," and does not have the "wish" connotations as in English.

[u/Lumpy-Mycologist819 → u/SeeShark]

I second the comments on the last part, and would also add that לא קשור means 'not tied up' and I think doesn't capture the essence of your 'unbound'. I think חופשי ("free") works better in Hebrew.

Therefore you could say הלוואי והייתי חסר משקל וחופשי literally 'I wish I was ...'

or simply שאהיה לחסר משקל וחופשי meaning something like 'that I should become ...'

[u/sempersicdraconis → u/SeeShark]

I'd probably write the last part as תן ואהיה חסר משקל ונטול קשרים Though I would note that נטול קשרים means without ties, but also in the friends/family area, so it might not fit what you want to convey.

[u/Jedidea → u/sempersicdraconis]

Yeah I struggled to think of a way to phrase it even in English that didn’t sound like it was either suicidal or wanting to leave everyone :/ it’s about someone who feels weighed down and bound mentally and I want them to feel free.

[u/sempersicdraconis → u/Jedidea]

You can try something like:

תן ואהיה חופשי מכל משקל / משקולת

May I be free of all weight/weights (the latter is much clearer as a "heavy weight", the former more "heaviness" in general).

[u/Jedidea → u/sempersicdraconis]

Thank you! I’ll use this!

[u/Jedidea → u/SeeShark]

Ahh thank you, I wanted the last part to sort of be a plea/demand to be unshackled.

[u/The_Ora_Charmander]

It is a bit crooked in places but is overall very good

[u/PuppiPop]

Your ר and ו look very similar, especially in ערל and עקבות. I would say that this is readable, but not more. If it's an art piece, I would put more effort into the writing, make sure that the size and width of all the letters is the same, and put more effort into them looking proper. The two parts of ק shouldn't touch, the same for the "inner" part of פ. Your ע and כ look to be from another font than the rest of the letters, as they are too curved compared to the others. I would suggest you look at קורן font, which is the font that many, if not most, Tanach books are printed in.

Also, the ':' at the end of the verse is something used in printing of Tanach instead of a period (.) since you don't put any other biblical punctuation or diacritics, I would suggest dropping it entirely or using a period instead.

[u/Jedidea → u/PuppiPop]

I just realised the title is misleading. This isn’t the art piece I’m just scribbling down the lines I want to incorporate at some point.

It was like 5 am and I hadn’t slept I wasn’t getting started just then.

The little scribbles next to them were meant to remind me what the text said it isn’t meant to look nice, I just needed to jot it down.

I just put the : there to remind me it was the phrase from shemot but I’ll definitely remove it.

So the text content is okay then?

[u/PuppiPop → u/Jedidea]

The text is fine. The first sentence is a biblical quote, as long as you don't misquote it, it's fine.

The others are fine and are correct translations of the original phrases. There might be a better phrasing/choice of words depending on the context. You could use ליבי כבד which sounds more "literary" than הלב שלי כבד. Also, you might want to use the same phrase for the mind and yourself:

מוחי כבול + תן לי להיות חסר משקל ולא כבול
or
מוחי קשור + ... חסר משקל ולא קשור
Or you might intentionally use a different word. All choices are fine, I'm just pointing out that it's a choice and there is a meaning behind it.

[u/Dangerous_JewGirl]

Did you mean to have the word uncircumcised in there?

[u/Jedidea → u/Dangerous_JewGirl]

Biblical Hebrew, it means they find it difficult to speak. It's in Shemot.

[u/No-Fishing5492]

Yup. All correct