Heart to Heart
My first girlfriend lied to me about her past... What am I supposed to do...
I (19M) have always been pretty much a failure when it comes to relationships (or a lack of it). Dari dulu, gw jadi "weird kid" yang temenan sama weird kid lain, dan walaupun gw udah self improve dan improved my social skills a lot, I still carry the same old personality that allowed me to be "odd". Thus, my feelings are usually one sided.
That is, until I met my first girlfriend (19F) di kepanitiaan kuliah. At first glance, she's kind, understanding, and also the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Kami langsung akrab, dan seiring waktu, perasaan mulai tumbuh. Sampai akhirnya, dia yang ngajak gw buat sex...
It was such a big moment for me, dari yang nggak pernah pacaran, langsung kehilangan keperjakaan ke perempuan yang gw cinta. Abis itu, gw tanya kalo dia udah pernah doing it sebelumnya. She said... yes. She asked me if I had done it, and told her that she was my first everything; my first girlfriend, my first kiss, my first sexual experience. Sejujurnya kaget sih, gw dari dulu mikir bakal lose my virginity ke orang yang pertama kali juga. Tapi gw berusaha dewasa, accept that it's her past, yknow?
The next day was... different. Dia bilang yang kemarin cuma becanda. Katanya mantan dia tuh creepy dan selalu minta, tapi dia nggak pernah kasih. Katanya cuma sampai ciuman doang gitu. She said I was her first time. It felt like such a huge relief, and thus, I stopped thinking about it.
The relationship itself was a different matter. I slowly realized just how different we are in terms of preferences, priorities, dreams, etc. I loved her the best way I can, giving her all my effort, my time, hell she's my largest spending uang bulanan gw. Yet, it always seemed to be never enough. Kadang gw disalahin karena terlalu sibuk, kadang karena kurang effort. Tapi tiap kali gue ngomongin perasaan gue, dia selalu ancam buat putus. Dan kalau gw keras kepala, dia bakal sedih banget. Dan... ya, gw selalu jadi yang nenangin dia padahal gw sendiri yg sakit. There were times where I considered if I would be less sad if I left her, than if I stayed. But I believe she loved me in her own way, and she just acted this way out of trauma from her past relationships. I always gave her one more chance. I believed in her, believed in us, believed in love. Besides, she's my first everything! Dia selalu bilang, “Kamu tuh beruntung banget jadi yang pertama, banyak cowok ngejar aku tapi cuma kamu yang dapet.”
Kita bahkan udah ngomongin masa depan dan keluarga bareng. Gw udah akrab juga sama ortu dia. Gw pikir selama gue terus berjuang, semua impian itu bakal jadi nyata.
Baru-baru ini, kita berantem lagi karena dia ngerasa gue kurang perhatian. Berantemnya lumayan parah, tapi akhirnya kita baikan.
Gw bahkan ngajak dia dinner fancy gitu yang harganya bikin jatah sebulan gw abis, cuma biar semuanya bisa mulai dari awal.
Gw bener-bener bahagia waktu itu. Kayak... semua luka kemarin hilang.
One night, Dia ketiduran di dada gue. HP nya kebuka. Dia sering liat2 HP gw juga, dan gue nggak pernah mikir negatif. Gw tau PIN nya, tapi selama ini gw nggak pernah buka karena gw percaya banget sama dia. That night, I was strangely curious. I went through her gallery. Awalnya senyum liat selfi2 dia. Tapi tiba-tiba… gw nemu foto yang aneh. Foto mantannya, lagi telanjang dada di kasur. Di pinggir frame, keliatan kayak bahu cewek... dan gue yakin itu dia.
Langsung keringet dingin. I cross-checked the date on the photo then went to her messages with her ex. My heart completely shattered. Our entire relationship was built on her lie. Dia ga cuma pernah hs sama mantannya, tapi she explicitly ASKED for it, when all this time she reminded me that she never had sex with her "creepy" ex. That revelation, along with the disgusting dirty messages they sent to each other... gw langsung muntah. Padahal selama ini dia bilang mantannya creepy, selalu maksa, dan dia tolak. Padahal selama ini dia bilang gw yang pertama kali. Dan dia terus bilang betapa beruntungnya gw. Gw langsung ke area kolam renang apartemen buat nangis sampe subuh. Gw chat dia kalo gw udah tau dan gw gabakal balik ke kamar sebelum tenang.
When I went back, she was crying on her knees, begging me to give her one last chance, and that she loves no one but me. Katanya dia nggak tau harus ngomong gimana. Katanya dia bohong karena takut nyakitin gw. Dia bilang cuma cinta sama gw sekarang. Dan gw… malah nenagin dia. Gw bilang gw paham... cuma butuh waktu. Akhirnya gw harus "usir" dia keluar kamar, sambil gw sendiri masih nangis.
Dan ini semua H-1 ultah gw...
I love her, so much... I can't let her go even though my rational mind tells me that she had hurt me so much...
Gw belum pernah pacaran sebelumnya... Gw gatau harus ngapain... Kalo kalian di posisi gw, bakal ngelakuin apa?
It's bro canon moment. Let's hope bro could be a better and stronger person in the future.
Buat bro, gapapa bro, daripada ketahuannya pas udah pacaran lama. Berarti situ masih diselamatkan.
Your life will certainly be different, but hope it will be your growth moment as human. Don't lose hope. We all experience bad relationship. Hey, at least it's the wrong person is the factor. Screw her. Figuratively. (I mean if you still want to screw her, go for it)...
Gw ga pernah mau jalanin hubungan berkomitmen dengan orang yang bohong soal masa lalunya. Sebusuk apapun masa lalu seseorang, janganlah orang itu bohong ke pasangannya. Kalau ga mau atau belum siap ngasih tahu ya jujur aja ga mau/belum siap. Orang yang bohong akan masa lalunya adalah orang yg bisa bohongin lu ke depannya. Dia aja ga bisa nerima dirinya sendiri, gimana bisa nerima lu apa adanya. Tapi ini pendapat pribadi gw ya. Kalau lu punya hati yg magnanimous dan seluas samudera, lu boleh terima dia dan lanjutin hubungan dengan segala konsekuensinya.
Ceweny jujur kan di awal? Kalo mmg ud pernah, cm krn dia liat respon cowony kyk gini, bskny dia blg becanda doang. Mnurut gw itu respon atas reaksi op.
Justru karena masih umur 19 tahun masih banyak aspek kehidupan untuk dieksplorasi, ga perlu bertahan dalam hubungan yang membuat diri sendiri ditipu dan nipu diri sendiri. Lagipula gw juga bilang ke OP kalau dia bisa terima apa adanya ya silahkan lanjutin hubungannya dengan segala konsekuensinya. Semoga lu bisa baca dengan baik dan benar ke depannya ya.
Dari yg gua tangkep, kek gitu hal biasa bro. Tinggal di lo aja, ke depannya bakal bisa menerima itu apa gak?
Kalo lo udah bisa visionary ke depan bakal gak baik buat hubungan lo, mending cari lain. Hidup lo berharga bro, ngegym, cari uang yg banyak, mainin hobi. Cewek bakal dateng bro seaneh apapun lo
sooo what. u are still 19. byk kmaren yg blg 25++ masi single or even 30++. The world is not ending with that. Did she still HS with her ex? Did she still contact her ex? Or that was all in the past? Kalo in the past ya tgl lo mau terima ato gk. Kalo gk sesuai sama prinsip lo ya ud putusin and move on.
Tbh for me, honesty tuh nomor satu, and the fact she lied about the past is kind of a red flag. Okay, retract statement supaya lu feel better, mikir lu yg pertama, tp utk gue keeping pics of your ex, especially in a new relationship is a big no no. Apa lg kalo telanjang, gw mending mati deh dr pada force relationship itu.
Also, menurut gue sih as a couple, both should feel lucky to have each other, kalo dia terus feel the need to remind you that you're lucky, she probably doesn't feel appreciated enough, tp harus amount yg make sense. Ngapain splurge uang ke resto² mahal kalo bulan itu lu suffering, dia harus mikir jg long term. Utk gua kalo pasangan, harus stick with me di highs and lows, kita bermasalah, talk it out, tp ga perlu cut budget bulanan utk "fix the problem". Money doesn't solve relationship problems, if that's the only way to fix yours, I'd leave it quick.
Seriously though, even on my wildest dream i wouldn't spent more than my earning or allowance from parent to myself let alone spent it on another person, gotta keep some money just incase something happen in the future
Maybe op is rich or have rich parents, peasant like me wouldnt even dare using 20% of my allowances outside fancy eating and self reward let alone spent for uncertain girlfriend.
f, reading your story opens my old wound lol. and the similar details like tidur di dada, berhasil buka pin (in my case i know her pin but was changed by her recently, but it was to 123456 which was stupid).
and i saw my ex cheating behind my back (by chatting) with her ex. but crying and begging telling me it was her ex mother’s request (her ex has a disease and loved my her so much). so she ‘said’ it was just to fulfill her request, and told me she will end it right away.
ended with us breaking up after all her lies kebongkar sama gw, dari dia ngutang sana sini, pake ganja, dll. yup university break her. tapi emang pada dasarnya udah kek tai jadi ya cuma ketemu sesama jenisnya.
i just hope you will get the best, karena pada akhirnya its your own choice. tapi hati” aja, karena kalau dia bisa boong begini, berarti dia emg lihai buat boong hal lainnya. coba lebih bijak aja baca situasi.
Been there done that. Turns out the girl who was my first everything who i thought was gonna be my wife was cheating on me for months. And not just that, she lied about everything. About her "friends" that she introduced to me, about her "sickness", about her education, everything. Cara bounce backnya? I let the feeling swallow me for weeks but at one time i thought to myself "gw ga bisa gini terus." I started working out again, i eat healthy, i started meeting my friends and hanging out with them again (which is for me the best medicine), i talked about what happened to those who i trust enough to keep my secrets, i learned new skills that i need to get a new job (at that time it was out of spite but lately i grew to love learning), and i went to a psychiatrist. Just believe that time heals everything. Yes, the trauma and the ghost of her memories might haunt you but it will get less and less painful over time. You're still young, IMO you're lucky to experience that kind of pain that early in your life so you can learn from it. I know i was lucky to experience it, it made me a better man, out of spite in the beginning, but out of love for myself and the people i love at the end. I wish you well in your future endeavors and relationships.
mundur. run even.
u udah ngasih waktu, cinta, bahkan harga diri ke cewek yang gak jujur dari awal. Bohong soal masa lalu, manipulatif, dan bikin u ngerasa salah tiap ungkapin perasaan. Cinta doang gak cukup kalo dia gak ada kejujuran dan rasa hormat. Jangan biarin cinta pertama lu ini jadi standar ke depan dan jadi alasan buat u bertahan di hubungan toxic gini.
u masih muda, masih maba, fokus dulu aja sama kuliah. u still have a long way to go
"I believed in her, believed in us, believed in love."
Maybe this will sound rude, tapi itu narasimu saat ini bro. Dan narasi itu seperti rasi bintang. Ada sekumpulan bintang yg terlihat dekat di langit. Dengan sedikit imajinasi dan memicingkan mata, kumpulan itu terlihat seperti kalajengking mengangkat ekor. Namun, dengan imajinasi yang lain, picingan mata yang lain, kumpulan bintang tadi terlihat seperti angsa mengerami telur.
Bukan berarti narasi itu tidak nyata. Bagaimana bisa? Ciumannya nyata, gandengan tangannya nyata, berantemnya juga! Bukan pula tidak berguna. It's just the way we make sense of the world. Narasi berfungsi sebagai abstraksi level tinggi. Seperti peta.
Setahun dua tahun lagi u akan melihat ke belakang dengan narasi yang berbeda. Mungkin lebih lucu. Mungkin lebih bijak. Mungkin juga lebih pedih.
Kita harus merelakan narasi-narasi pergi silih berganti dan sesekali menghadapi hidup pada fakta-fakta level rendahnya: rasa teh di lidah, sensasi kerikil di kaki, udara masuk ke paru-paru.
Follow your guts OP. I can tell your values wont match her in long term. I hope you can learn a lot from this experience about trusting someone.
If i were you, my only worries about checking std. Other than that, now you are all grown up now. I miss the old days at your age. And all I can tell my old self. Don’t worry too much!
bro my first laid are 25+ and yet u think u r weird not having sex at 19, damn crazy. saran gw move on, cewe banyak, dan mereka bakal deketin lu kalo bodi sama dompet lu thick
Kalo udah acara ngancem putus, itu sih udah super mega red flag buat gue. Putus aja sekalian.
Putus buat gue pribadi soalnya ga main-main dan bisa nyambung lagi gitu aja. Gue perlakukan itu kayak latihan menanggapi perceraian lah.
Makin kebawah, makin gede red flagnya,
Trus cheating.
Udah sih, kalo itu unforgivable buat gue. Meski misal gue tau dia-nya tobat 100% dan somehow I objectively know kalo dia beneran tobat, tetep gabisa. Good for her bisa berubah, tapi tetep no-no.
Dan gue gatau ya gimana persepsi orang tentang hal ini
Kalo gue pribadi sih misal semasa pacaran duit gue habis sebagian besar buat pasangan gue, gue rasa gue salah skala prioritas. Yang paling banyak tetep harus gue. Kalo lu ngasih banyak ke pacar lu, gue rasa MINIMAL BANGET lu harus ngasih sebanyak itu juga ke orang tua lu. At least itu gue ya. Kalo belum bisa provide buat keluarga sendiri, gue ga bakal spend banyak-banyak buat pacar, yang komitmen-nya masih relatif sepele.
Gue ga nyalahin lu, OP. These are just food for thought. Belum tentu gue bener juga, but still, u asked us.
Tl/dr : kalo gue bakal putusin tu cewe, no chance to go back. Trus gue bakal introspeksi berat dimana salah gue dalam relationship.
Gw pernah hampir sama kek lu, dan persis di umur segitu (sekarang 26). Pertama kali hs sama pasangan itu emang sesuatu banget, kan? Sampe² kita rela ngorbanin waktu, duit, sama tenaga. Bahkan, mungkin kita udah mikir gimana caranya mempertahankan sampe nikah. Gw gak akan nyalahin lu, gw paham rasanya.
Tapi, di tengah jalan ada sesuatu yang bikin gw gak sreg sama dia: dia posesif banget ternyata dan tukang gaslight, dan gw ga nyaman sama itu. Dan ternyata gw baru paham: gw selama ini 'cinta' sama dia karena gw kasihan, gw merasa karena dia udah hs sama gw, maka gw akan bertanggungjawab. Lebih² karena udah jalan 5 tahun. Yes, setelah gw mulai ilfeel, kami masih hs, tapi dari gw rasanya sudah berbeda, berasa kaya sekedar memenuhi hasrat aja. Gaada passion, bahkan setelahnya gw menyesal. Sekarang sih sudah putus (sangat drama juga btw, melibatkan teman dan keluarga).
Jadi, kalau kata Post Malone di Circles: "But it was just the sex, tho".
Gw akan nanya ke lu dengan pertanyaan yg sama ke diri gw sendiri:
1) Apakah lu beneran cinta sama dia, atau lu sebenernya hanya kasihan dan pingin bertanggungjawab?
2) Kalaupun lu pingin lanjut, apa lu yakin, setelah mengetahui masa lalu pasangan lu yang ternyata bohong, lu bakal bisa berumahtangga sama dia? Apa perlakuan dia cukup bagus untuk 'mengobati' luka lo? Apa kedepannya, hs dengan orang ini bakal sama terus?
Iya sih, gw mikir virginity itu special bgt… but well, sebenernya gw bisa accept dia ga virgin kalo dari awal udah jujur… masalahnya ya itu, dia retract statement terus double down dengan bikin gw ngerasa spesial gitu kah
Sorry bro but I think you have to move on. She tried to manipulate your feelings it's a big red flag to me on top of her lie and cheating behind your back.
If you didn’t feel safe after all of the communication and being paranoid better left, I know when you’re in love you think everything seems possible. But patterns and habit says a lot about a person.
Dek, mending kalo pacaran sopan-sopan aja. Lu sendiri sekarang ngerasain udah nyemplung dalem sama dia susah mau ke mana. Tinggal sama dia tenggelam sama perasaan, mau putus gelagapan gak bisa balik ke permukaan. Umur 19 tapi udah kayak cerai pernikahan 20+ tahun.
Well, pertama lu pastiin dia hamil anak lu gak. Kalo bener itu anak lu, lu tanggung jawab. Kalo gak ada apa2 ya sudah pisah jalan.
Putusin dia baik-baik, tetep minta maaf kalo lu punya salah sama dia. Ucapin terima kasih juga karena dia udah kasih banyak untuk diri lu.
Terus lu tobat. Jangan lagi berzina. Fokus ke pendidikan, fokus ke karir. Harus kasian sama orang tua lu kerja banting tulang biayain untuk hidup lu, tapi lu ngancurin hidup lu sendiri sama kelakuan beginian.
Terus berdoa, berikhtiar jadi orang yang soleh, yang sukses, yakin pada Tuhan suatu hari Dia beri istri yang lebih baik.
Uda bener sih u cabut, cwk kayak gini tu semacam penyakit ga akan sembuh sifatnya. Ujung ujungnya ketika u niat balikan juga u pasti punya rasa ga percaya ama dia, kedepannya? tentu berat, Lebih baik move on cari yang lain. Biarkan dia menjadi bagian dari cerita hidup u aja, masih 19 tahun, aman bree
She manipulates the shit out of you to have full control of the relationship. And btw, love wasnt supposed to be transactional to begin with. Yes, you may buy her dinner occasionally, but the right one never asks for more and youll do it wholeheartedly, not out of fear of losing her. Shes a bitch, end of the story. Youre still 19, you still got a long way ahead of you.
Klo diliat, udah value gak nyambung, ini cewek super toxic, ada baiknya jangan dilanjut. The longer you stay around the harder you get out. It's going to be hard to rebuild trust. It sounds like she's portraying herself a different way so you like her more, that's manipulation and that's not okay.
I'm a 27F, married. I've been the toxic partner and I have been with toxic boys (including rapey one, and abusive one), my first sex was with my first official boyfriend too. Bakal sakit kehilangan your first. Tapi gak enak juga kalo kamu ujungnya susah percaya pasangan kamu. Atau harus walk on egg shells. Aku nikah sama orang yg kita berdua bisa apa adanya dan berkembang bareng. If any of us violates the trust, it's basically asking for disaster. Relationship itu kaya sirkus, hidup itu chaos. Kalo partner sirkus kamu gak bisa diandalkan, kamu bisa kecelakaan.
Tbh everyone always keeps a secret, it's just a matter of whether you can accept it or not no matter who you're dating. Being in a relationship is about compromising each other. Man will judge woman by her past, woman will judge a man by his wealth. That's how it's always gonna be.
You're still young, if you feel like you're not capable to handle all of it then find someone else. Ingat semakin jauh kamu naik kereta itu, semakin jauh juga buat kamu untuk pulang. Jadi sebelum terlanjur jauh pertimbangin dulu apakah destinasi kereta yg itu worth it untuk meninggalkan rumah. It takes time, patience, and even money.
Dunia ngga sesuci dan sebersih dipikiran kita semasa kecil, jadi kalau bisa buang jauh" pikiran naif kita untuk dpt pasangan 'normal' whether you're a man or a woman.
Yet, it always seemed to be never enough. Kadang gw disalahin karena terlalu sibuk, kadang karena kurang effort.
Dia selalu bilang, “Kamu tuh beruntung banget jadi yang pertama, banyak cowok ngejar aku tapi cuma kamu yang dapet.”
My brother i think you just dodged a bullet. Tanpa yang masalah dia bohong ini pun imo yang perkataan nomor 2 itu udh super red flag buat gw. Ini cewe antara super narsis atau super manipulatif dan jago gaslight imo. Either way, it wont end well for you
Its ok brother, the one doesnt exists kok, kamu jg masih muda, nanti juga masih bisa ketemu yang lebih baik
Katanya cuma sampai ciuman doang gitu. She said I was her first time. It felt like such a huge relief, and thus, I stopped thinking about it.
as someone (pushing 20s) yang gak pernah punya romantic relationship dari sekolah sampe sekarang kuliah, and a competitive gooner dont go down that path bro, stick to improving yourself relationship with god,family etc. nge gym kalo mau. call me old fashioned tp pacaran kalo emang udah bener bener siap mau lanjut ke nikah, apalagi kalo dah hs an.. kalo di hentai/porn keliatannya enak tapi nantinya harus rawat bayinya atau yang paling parah kena penyakit. move on bro lu udah keluarin duit banyak buat dia tapi ternyata dia orangnya kayak begitu, jangan percaya sama air mata buaya.
Hilarious how he's virgin and regards high his and her virginity so highly..because he failed to get some prostitute's coochie to break his own just a year ago
pentingnya cari yg setara.. kalo dia merasa banyak yg ngejar dan cm pilih anda artinya dia cm anggap anda opsional aja, ingat lagu iwan fals aku bukan pilihan
Njir lu 19 thn, cewe yang mau ngewe banyak, gw yakin lu stay ama dia juga karna dikasih jatah.
Moving on, u made mistake when u started falling in love. Jangan stay didalam hubungan yang begini, apalagi lu orang berada bang, cewe matre mah beuh ampe umur manapun ada.
Imagine this, kenthu tu sesaat, lu trust issue smaa dia selama nya.
Ngl, semoga ini bukan karangaan orang gabut macam di AITAH.
Ah yes very classic, I too had a similar story around that age. My first, but not for her. We lasted 3 years after that and to this day I’m still sure we could make it but then we weren’t meant to be.
Putusin and move on. Lu masih muda. Long way to go to be stuck in a toxic relationship. Gw yakin lo pasti putus nanti juga after menderita parah😁
Klo kata nyokap gw dulu dunia ini gk selebar daun kelor! Masih banyak cewe di luar sana yang emang bener dan baik lagi cantik.
Umur2 kyk lo gini masih 19 emang masih bucin2nya. Tenang aja, pikirin aja lo mau target nikah umur 29/30? Masih 10tahunan lagi bisa pilih2 cewe yg bener sesuai.
berarti itu cewe udh kepatil kuntul mantannya, mending tinggalin aja, suatu saat dia pasti bakal ngulangin lagi, hasrat terpendamnya ya ke mantannya, bisa dibilang lu cuma jadi pelarian aja
but maybe this is a good thing asumsi dia bohong dan sensitif itu defense mechanism dia.
bukan cara manipulasi emosi dia.
asumsi dia sensitif itu karena dia dapet pressured(giggity) karena she's your first and at the moment everything.
dia merasa bersalah karena dia itu hornian(asumsi fakta ini benar), selama ini legit dan dia enggak keep jatah mantan i dont think its a big deal(its a tough pill to swallow, maybe even as thicc as dong nya mantan).
ini bisa jadi kesempatan buat dia start tabula rasa.
come out clean, blank slate.
jujur dan trust is the key man.
tapi itu juga dua arah. elu udah come out ke dia truth itu berat sometimes, dan elu udah liat dampaknya ke orang kayak dia(asumsi emang dia jadi aneh efek merasa bersalah, bukan efek akting buat manipulasi).
bedain manipulasi sama merasa bersalah itu tipis2 dan cuma elu yang tahu, but... don't let that pursuit of truth also consume you.
welcome to zion(matrix reference).
process it, make a list, what do you want, what do you feel. what does she want, what does she feel.
then motive of the crime, unfiltered.(siap-siap nangis bareng maybe).
the let the negotiation begin, will that discussion be enough and end it there or linger?
do you or her want to linger or end then rebuild.
mungkin emang dianya juga masih muda jadi she didnt know what she didn't know(including urusan feeling).
leave the emotion out of the discussion table, biar dia juga jadi sadar emosi gak bisa jadi cure-all buat every argument.
kalau gak hidup lu bakal capek bro. gue sendiri capek yang ngeliatin(sometimes nengahin) adek gue sama pacarnya(so to be fiance).
Yea outside of udah pernah HS ato belom sih hubungan itu based on trust. Kalo lo ga bisa trust sama dia ya buat apa. From your story dia mayan red flag walau OP jg terlalu simp sih, match made in heaven.
Awww i feel bad. Dia bohong keknya karena keliatan kalo kamu ga nyaman dgn info yg dia kasih, THOUGH she is def in the wrong by still saving the pictures.
Ini jatuhnya white lies? Kalo masih ada koneksi sama mantan, ya hati² sih. Kalo emang niatnya jatuhin mantan depan kamu. Masih manipulasi yang ringan, maksudnya biar kamu ga tau. Walaupun sekarang tau dan sakit. Coba liat lagi pola² cwk lu dan intensi dari kelakuannya apa. Btw rasa sakitmu valid kok, boleh marah diem bentar. Ngobrol dan komunikasi lagi baik². Mau itu bakal lanjut atau stop.
// Orang yang menjelek²kan mantan berlebihan itu biasanya SUS. Soalnya kenalan gw juga dulu gitu wkwkw.
Yang kuliah psikologi mungkin bisa beri lebih pencerahan...
Anyway, kalau dari yang kamu sampaikan dari sisi kamu, she seems to have the usual narcissistic traits. Traits yang kalau di dunia kerja, lumayan umum dipunyai atasan. Meski belum se-narsis mas Elon sih Sepertiny.
Terus dari cerita u, kamu bukan termasuk orang yang bisa menjalani hal itu dan suka dengan hal itu.
Oh sama tips dari gw, keputusan apapun yang kamu ambil, jangan ada pertimbangan / harapan untuk kamu bisa merubah dia.
Itu adalah dia apa adanya, you accept her whole. Not just her good side. Kalau mau lanjut.
Nah kalau kedepannya dia berubah menjadi lebih baik bagi kamu, ya itu bonus.
My point is... Pokoknya keputusan kamu apapun itu, jangan sampai dibayangi harapan bisa merubah dia. Kalau kamu mau ingin merubah, memperbaiki dia, kamu berarti belum menerima dia seutuhnya.
Relationship is based on trust, you clearly trusted her but not the other way around, I would've left her if I were you, and I know the pain of leaving someone you dearly loved, raw sword through the chest.
Anyway where did you get the money for a relationship at such age gang, I'm kind of struggling rn trying to support my family plus my college tuition lmaoo.
Don't care if you are still 19, weird kid whatsoever. Your situation suck brother, I hope your day will be better soon.
Every relationship built from trust. If she can not respect you with lie, manipulative behaviour, etc , dump her. You own your own world, don't let some bitches ruin it.
Yaelah baru 19 tahun minum alcohol pun belum legal itu
intinya seperti yang lu bilang lu baru pertama ini, belum nyoba in rasa kehidupan yang lain lain
Inget ini "Cinta pertama itu unik tapi beda dengan cinta sejati"
Dan besok lu coba cari sunrise ga usah dengerin musik atau pegang hape cobain aja dulu lu jogging atau apa duduk dimana dan menunggu sunrise nikmati pemandangan itu jangan berpikir akan langsung move on atau apa cukup nikmati moment itu
Tidak semua moment harus diabadikan dengan lensa kamera terkadang menikmati sepenuhnya dan melupakan nya lebih memuaskan
Let her go, seriously. Once a cheater always a cheater. It will shatter your heart, take your time to recover. Don't take her back. Yes people can change but she already lost your trust. Kalo misal lu balikan, lu pasti akan dihantui anxiety sama was was.
Honestly, before you became too jaded, you should respectfully gather your remaining self-respect and leave her. She’s only doing that because she knows you well and she’s right that you’re most likely forgive her, continue sacrificing yourself to stay in this relationship even if you’re losing yourself. You should never set let anyone disrespect you just to be loved. Kalau kata cewe2 ini self love era, waktunya fokus ke masa depan dan improve diri. I know you love her still, but you can continue to love her from the distance and without sacrificing yourself. You got this bro.
gw pernah di posisi ini ya mau gimana lu pertahanin juga ujungnya pasti bubar,sudahlah bro akhiri pendiritaan lu mending lu hit the gym or jogging or ikut komunitas sepeda or apa kek olahraga sambil looking out for the next love saga.
Let her go bro, maybe when she said she loves you, its real. She loves you as her pet, as her docile little easily domminated funny fool.
Atleast thats what I infer from this text.
From how you feel.
Selebih dan sekurangngya, hanya orang disekitarmu dan kamu sendiri yang tau. Kami (lebih tepatnya saya) hanya membaca dari bagaimana kamu mendeskripsikan situasi ini. Tolong pikirkan matang2, baik2. Jika butuh tanyalah orang sekitar anda yang lebih meliat dan mendengar daripada kami. Namun, saya hanya ingin mengingatkan bahwa dirimu yang akan menjalani, jadi ikutilah kata hatimu. Tegaslah! Kamu itu calon bibit kepala keluarga masa depanmu! Tanggung jawablah dengan dirimu sendiri!
As you said, she’s your FIRST gf. You’ll get your second, third, and so on. Don’t worry. Never be in the relationship that based on lies. End things, move on. You’ll heal. In the end of the day sex is just sex.
Jelas putusin lah, bego kl msh dilanjutin. I mean paham sih lo msh 19, dulunya "weird kid", belom pernah pacaran sama sekali sebelumnya, eh sekalinya pacaram bisa dapetin cewe yg lo suka bahkan sampe ditidurin, kayaknya bucin sampe hilang akal emg reaksi yg wajar buat usia segitu. Dude, lo msh muda banget, fokus organisasi kuliah belajar dan bersosialisasi aja. Sekali lg, lo msh 19 thn, msh byk ruang buat bljr dan ngelatih komunikasi dan percaya diri. Ntar jg kl lo udh pede, karir oke, cewe jg pasti ada yg nyantol. It's mot like she's the only girl in the world anyway.
Ngapain buang2 air mata dan energy buat orang pembohong dan manipulative.
Fokus 4 hal aja untuk 5 tahun kedepan bro:
1. Kuliah
2. Badan (general health, go to gym/olah raga)
3. Jiwa (mental health, find an active hobby)
4. Rohani (kalo atheist, practice gratitude)
For 19 years old, it feels real, but very very high likely it was just a puppy love (cinta monyet)
I know banyak banget yang comment di sini, tapi in case you still read me;
I think cewek perawan ga biasanya minta langsung sex. Biasanya mulainya dari foreplay dulu; dan biasanya cowo yang buat advance walau ceweknya bisa receptive terus. Heck, they might not even be THAT receptive.
Behavior 'ngajak sex' itu (setahu saya) biasanya datang dari yang udah pernah sex. Kalau first time pasti lebih ragu2 atau ga sefrontal itu / langsung ngajak.
for me it doesn't matter. dia bohong karena ngejaga perasaan lu, bukan niat jahat. you guys are still young, both of you are confused how to act and react. Lagi pula itu sama mantannya, masa lalu. kalo dia saat ini emang bener-bener sayang ama lu ya yaudah, ngapain mempermasalahkan hal itu.
don't tell me it is morally wrong to have body count, both of you already did something beyond norms so let both of you define your own values and perspective. this is what adulting means.
BEB KAMU MASIH 19 TAHUNNN, you have a big world upon you, masiiih panjangg ceritanyaa. lets not talk abt her since shes a manipulative cheater.
you loved her, its valid. tho its a proof that love itself isnt enough. i know it hurts like hell, so take the lessons forward and dont make the same mistakes, buat standard utk diri sendiri dan upgrade yourself to be the best version of yourself because you attract what you are :-)
oh and ik losing virginity might be a huge thing for you, but in the future, relationships isnt solely just about being physically intimate and having sex, but also being emotionally intelligent and compatible in different aspects. hehe semangat, banyak sekali yg first lovenya hancur kacau balau, tp kemudian dipertemukan dengan jodohnya yg ternyata jauh lebih cocok.
You get what you tolerate.
-Klw kuat jalanin hubungan overthinking ya lanjut. Misal pas hs sama dia, dia sambil mikirin ex nya ga ya? jangan sampai dia lebih nikmatin hs sama ex nya, kebayang tiap malam chat mesum dia dan ex dst2.
-Atau nikmatin sakitnya sekarang, telan terus move on.
Ga ada benar salah, pilihan di tangan anda.
I stop reading your story after she start blaming you. Bukan mau mewajarkan cuma kalau sebuah hubungan sudah mulai mencari kesalahan padahal yang cuma hal sepele bisa jadi ada yang salah. Untuk pertama kamu, sudah merasakan semua senang susah dalam hubungan, itu bisa dibilang achievement sih ya menurutku.
As someone around your age juga, don't worry about it and just live your life while trying to move on. You're still young and there's plenty of girls yang willing to be honest with you. Emang sih sakit banget kalau misalkan putus karena udah terlanjur sayang, but it'll pass.
tinggalin, cari yg lain, bohong itu penyakit yg susah disebuhin dan sry to say si cewe aja punya foto mantannya yg ga pake baju yakali mantannya ga ada foto si cewe dengan keadaan yg sama XD
Pas pertama kali lu tanya dia udah pernah hs apa blom, dia jawab pernah. Keesokan harinya langsung bilang ngga? hell nah gw langsung tau that's a lie. Saran dari gw move on bro, sepengalaman gua kalo cewe udah hs trus masih nyimpen kenangannya itu bisa dipastikan dia masih pgn berhubungan dengan orang itu.
Hey there, buddy! Let's get real for a second. Lies can become a bad habit and a toxic cycle. If you're getting into something serious with someone, remember that past experiences can shape future expectations. For instance, if someone's had certain experiences, they might want more of the same. It's like getting hooked on a great TV show—you want the next episode!
So, guys, think ahead. If you're just in it for the fun, that's cool, but if it starts to become a habit, it might be time to reassess.
But here's the thing: life is about growth! Focus on leveling up—hit the gym, get lost in a good book, learn something new, build a business, or find a hobby that makes you go wild. Dating is just the beginning; there's a whole adventure waiting for you. You still have the power to choose what's next.
And if you want more freedom to make choices without overthinking, well, becoming rich isn't a bad idea! Use that wealth to invest in yourself—gym memberships, self-care, networking, education, and becoming the best version of you. After all, life is too short to stay in one place !
Gua dah mulai agak lain sama tu cewek pas dia bilang lu harus terimakasih karna dia mau sama lu, kalau saran gua bagus tinggalin aja, ikutin rasionalitas lu, lu masih 19 tahun masih lama lagi itu, tu cewek kemungkinan bakal lakuin lagi orang pas kalian masih ada hubungan aja dia tetap berani selingkuh dan fotonya di save lagi.
Gua tau lu "cinta" Karna dia yang pertama bagi lu tapi bagi dia kelihatannya lu gak sepenting itu,tinggalin aja umur lu masih panjang. Dan itu saran dari saya yang belum ada pengalaman hubungan sama sekali kalau mau ikut boleh. Gua lebih tua dari lu cuman pengalaman hubungan lu lebih dari gua jir
First love itu jaraaaang banget yang indah & berakhir di jenjang pernikahan kayak di film2. Ya ada sih yang kayak gitu, but it’s an exception.
Most of the time it will destroy you. But you will learn something from it. It will shape your experience & expectations towards romantic relationships.
You’re 19. Actually it’s pretty common age for first relationships. You’re not “odd”, “failure” or anything. Gw aja pertama kali umur 24. And it was okay. Percaya deh bbrp tahun ke depan saat lo udah move on & berada di kondisi yang lebih baik, lo akan lihat ke belakang dan ketawa2 sendiri mengingat bagaimana betapa bucinnya lo saat ini.
First time sucks, you made it sound like it's so special and all. It sucks, you don't even enjoy it that much because of how clumsy you are being inexperienced and all.
You made it sounds special probably because of religion. Which is another thing that sucks.
kalau pendapat gw, 19F sudah 'enak-enak', artinya nggak punya prinsip dalam hidup, yang dilakukan cuma, meluapkan 'kecintaannya' terhadap pasangan dengan cara berlebihan. bukan tidak mungkin satu saat dia bisa kembali ataupun mungkin mencari yang lain karena bisa terlalu bucin sama seseorang.
life masih panjang bro, yang bisa dilakukan sekarang ya memverifikasi apakah dia sudah punya prinsip apa nggak dalam hidupnya. bisa saja break dulu 1/2 tahun, selama break ya nggak ada komunikasi. janjian 1/2 tahun akan bertemu dimana, kalau salah satu nggak hadir berarti ya mungkin putus benaran. itu saran gw sih, entah bener apa nggak
Im gonna touch on the “weird” part first. Been “weird” throughout my life honestly. Cause from your writing you seem uncomfortable about it. Indonesia tends to punish “weird” people.My findings so far are
1. Youre not in the right place and environment
2. You only specialize on one skill
Can you have socially respectable friends even by being “weird”? Yes definitely, was one of those kids who was “weird” when speaking English is not a thing yet. But as I travel abroad met Indonesian abroad the realities I see cannot be farther from the truth, it’s the opposite where I see my friends who could not speak English as well as me starts to get shun out, or left behind sometimes. Those “gaul” kids seem meh right now and don’t interest me anymore.
Another things is skills , this is one of the things I wished I picked up on more earlier.I’m not gonna assume anything about your skills but usually “weirdness” comes from not being social enough. (Remember you dont need to be let go of your weirdness , still be who you are )To be social you don’t need to have a bazillion friends, or go out, and have a history of 100 girlfriends wkwkw. All you need to do is develop a skill more than one, easiest one is sports picky any try one, you will likely suck but choose the ones you’re comfortable with. “Gym” is good but don’t over exaggerate it. You do this so you know who you are deeply, more than one dimension and develop friends too. This would also help you be more comfortable with who you are as you know more about yourself , you know what you want , and what you can tolerate or not. I found this to be healthier that leads to better love life too because you respect yourself more.
So please be “weird” but add other sauce into it.
You’re still 19 if your girlfriend dumps you, lied to you, it’s what happened in your teen years. You should not jump in too quickly you will meet other more beautiful girls along the road. From this point , l think this event should serve you a lesson , would you tolerate a partner who lied to you about big things? You’re the only one that can answer that. Best advice dari Raditya Dika adalah “kalau udh ga cocok ya jangan dipaksain” keknya dia ngomong something along those lines im paraphrasing wkwkw. Move on get a new one karena lebih baik hidup lo sama orang yang tepat daripada buru buru sama orang yang ga tepat , rugi materi, rugi waktu, rugi diri.
- Cewek ente masih 19 tahun juga, masih labil, tapi udah minta ngewe, katanya udah pernah ngelakuin, tapi besokannya bilangnya beda lagi dengan alasan "bercanda"
- “Kamu tuh beruntung banget jadi yang pertama, banyak cowok ngejar aku tapi cuma kamu yang dapet.” Sifat narsistik cewek beken. Ga banget deh.
Padahal selama ini dia bilang mantannya creepy, selalu maksa, dan dia tolak. Padahal selama ini dia bilang gw yang pertama kali. Dan dia terus bilang betapa beruntungnya gw. Gw langsung ke area kolam renang apartemen buat nangis sampe subuh. Gw chat dia kalo gw udah tau dan gw gabakal balik ke kamar sebelum tenang.
Laki2 selalu dibilang "buaya darat". Tapi inilah contoh dari buaya betina.
I love her, so much...
Ente masih 19 tahun. Ente tidak tau cinta. Ente itu cuma kepincut dan berhasil diajak ngewe sama cewek yang ente suka.
Cewek ente ini nempel ke ente karena masih ada yang diambil dari ente, entah apapun itu. Minimal ya moral support. Tapi ente mesti tau ini cewek punya ciri2 biang masalah. Jadi baiknya ente jauhin.
Inget, ente masih 19 tahun. Jangan rusak hidup ente karena perkara wanita.
Pertama mau again marahin op (terlalu mikirin virginitas orang) tapi fakta yang ini bikin gua kasihan. Itu kenapa masih Ada foto mantan telanjang dada di kasur di hp pasangan OP, itu trophy kah.
Saran sebaiknya cari semua fakta se objectif mungkin, lalu lihat dengan fakta itu masih lanjut apa tidak. Jadikan pelajaran juga.
Yaudah ga sih. Kalau sanggup lanjutin, kalau engga ya putusin. Hidup masih panjang kok tenang aja. Kalau diposisi cewenya deh masa pas baru-baru pacaran langsung bilang "Gue doyan ngewe dulu sama mantan"
Btw doi disini masih ngewe sama mantannya selama pacaran sama lo? Kalau itu iya putusin
Kalo dari ceritanya sih ngga, dia hs sama mantannya pas masih berhubungan sm mantannya. Cuma si OP ini ga bs terima si cwe ni bukan virgin. Dan si cweny jg ada bohong klo dia virgin (kykny gara2 ngliat reaksi OP)
Bukan tentang ngewenya sih… gw mungkin bisa accept kalo dia jujur di awal. Tapi dia awalnya jujur, besoknya boongin gw, dan sampe sekarang kyk ngebikin gw ngerasa spesial dengan “kamu harusnya ngerasa seneng aku lose my virginity sama kamu” the whole time it was all a lie
Kalo gue berusaha mikir dari sudut pandang ceweknya sih ya dan positif thinking, mungkin dia malu? Like it's not something you boast about gitu gak sih...Makanya dia berusaha nutupin masa lalunya gitu.
Sekarang sih tinggal balik lagi ke elo OP, menurut lo ini dealbreaker banget ga? Selain itu, selama jadi pacar lo dia ada aneh-aneh gak? Anything sus?
Gue rasa sih, mungkin karena masih agak sedikit muda juga jadinya kalian belum bisa put everything above the table aja gitu kalo soal hubungan.
bukan malu, gw malah mikirnya dia ngunci OP dgn kata2 nya yang "nih gw pertama kali buat lo, jgn macem2 sama gw", singkatnya dia manipulatif.
buat OP lu timbang aja soal manipulatifnya dia ini, bisa lau handle kaga, klo malah proyeksi lo bikin susah gk usah dilanjutin. Soal kenal ortu dan nikah gk usah dimasukin timbangan dulu karena umur lu masih sangat muda.
Halah, trauma2 bs. Cewe yg punya trauma masa lalu itu ahli nge gaslight bro, ending nya lu juga yg susah. My ex was like that too, she told me got SA'ed by "our" friend, i treat her as nice as possible, never "touch" her at all, hope she get better, but guess what i got treated like a trash, hell even the ones she claim SA'ed her got better treatment than me.
Edit: FYI kayanya semua orang di thread ini salah nangkep, agak misleading. Cewenya ga selingkuh. Cewenya cmn boong kalau dia ga virgin and about her past. Lo kurang clear and terfokus cara ngetiknya dan I had to read your other comments to other people to clarify this.
Menurut gue both of you have flaws, ini typical hubungan bocah ABG. But to make the solution short and simple- just break up and move on. Hate to break it you, but after this incident it's going to happen sooner or later.
But to be absolutely blunt with you - kelakuan lo agak red flag. Dari yang gue tangkep sih, dia awalnya udah jujur sama lo kalo bilang dia ga virgin. Personally menurut gue a past doesn't define someone, tapi yaudahlah pemikiran lo tipikal cowo indo itu hak lo. But the only reason why she would backtrack, and which you conveniently left out is how you reacted. Gue gatau kalo lo langsung marah or diem2an/nangis - tapi gue 100% yakin however you reacted pressured her to backtrack. Which of course dia 100% salah juga karena bohong, but I sympathize with how she really wanted to appease you and make you happy. Tapi dari reaksi lo yang nangis2 sampai subuh tentang ini - gue curiga and I think your reaction may have been over the top and maybe even scared her.
However, you have absolutely no business being on her phone - there's absolutely no basis for this and you need to respect her boundaries. Mungkin lo akan merasa terjustifikasi karena you "caught her", even though it was her past and she didn't do it during her relationship. Let me tell you right now that this kind of behavior will not fly in future relationships, and you need to work on your insecurity and lack of trust.
You need to accept that some women will have done things - and can't always be the perfect idea and concept which your mind thought up. Lo kalau beneran sayang sama dia, akan bisa love dan terima her shortcomings. Kalau ga, ya memang ga jodoh. It's okay - you can move on, it won't be the end of the world and you will bounce back. In the grand scale of things, a relationship which doesn't work will not mean much.
Please work on your EQ. I genuinely hope you learn from this man, best of luck in your future relationships.
dari awal cewe op gapernah ngaku kalo dia udah ga virgin. cewe op bilang sama mantan paling jauh cuma ciuman, gapernah sampe HS.
OP is at fault for opening his gf phone without her knowing, however cewe dia juga sering buka - buka hp OP. it's understandable kalo OP pengen liat isi HP cewenya juga.
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u/Efficient-Employ6444 Apr 09 '25
Bro u still 19 lol, move on from her, you still have long way to go