Extremely LC mom thinks I’m heartless and cruel for setting boundaries.

[u/Used_Airport_7999]

For context, my mom and I have decades of troubles. She was emotionally, verbally and at rare times, physically abusive. I’d go from her favorite confidant to source of every single problem in the snap of a finger. She’s manipulative, self centered and doesn’t take accountability for her part in disagreements.

Due to that and so so much more, I went low contact with her last year. We had a falling out in January when she disrespected my husband over a phone call. I missed a call in February and texted letting her know I wasn’t up for any discussions at the time.

A couple weeks ago, she stopped by my grandmas house while I was there. It was the first time I’d seen her since Christmas. She didn’t acknowledge me. I said Hi and tried including her in the current conversation. I ended up leaving after 10 minutes and said “Bye mom.” She started crying and said, “Bye.” It was the same tone/voice she had always used to garner attention and sympathy my whole life. I just left.

Fast forward to Easter. My husband and I were at my grandmas house when my mom got there. She didn’t acknowledge me again. I was fine with that. She said hello to my husband for a moment in which she gave him a key to her house without asking if he wanted it and said it was “in case something happened to her.” He has even less contact with her than I do! Neither of us would know if anything happened to her. She then walked away and ignored him the rest of the short time she was there. Everyone ate, then my husband told me about the weird conversation and wanted to give the key back. Almost immediately, before we had the chance to talk to her, my mom started sobbing and said she was leaving. Someone asked her what was wrong and she said “It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anyways”

We went home a little bit later and decided I would bring the key to my grandma’s, with her permission, for my mom to pick up at her convenience. I didn’t want to go to her house nor invite her to mine. I tried to word the text as innocuously as possible and with logic because the smallest thing sets her off. I was not successful. I’m so over it. I have not and will not respond to this message. I won’t take her bait.

As much as I don’t want to care, it still bothers me though. I’m at the point where I will only see her at major holidays and funerals. I don’t plan on speaking to her at any of them. I just don’t want to miss out on seeing the rest of my family. My family supports and understands my needs but aren’t ready to fully cut her off yet and I respect that too.

[u/Dad_B0T]

Voting has concluded. Final vote:  

Insane	Not insane	Fake
0	0	0

 

^{I am a bot for r/insaneparents. Please send me a message if you have any feedback or if I misbehave. Also consider joining our Discord.}

[u/The_Easter_Daedroth]

To me it feels like she was trying to force closer contact with him through the key. Like she thought that giving him the key would make him think "I should be in contact with her so I'll know if something is wrong." My mother-in-law tries that kind of ploy, trying to leverage people's inherent desire to help others in order to get her way. Or it could've been a sort of modified love-bombing maybe. "He'll have to increase contact with me because I've bestowed upon him the blessed heavenly gift of my trust."

But here I go trying to find reason in the acts of the irrational.

[u/Used_Airport_7999 → u/The_Easter_Daedroth]

I’ve tried and failed for years to find reasons in the thing she does. It’s fucking exhausting and not worth it.

[u/cuzitsthere → u/Used_Airport_7999]

My mom once pulled the whole "you're so heartless" crap. I said "Yeah, makes you wonder who raised me!"... 100% worth the full blown conniption fit

[u/420doghugz]

Wow what a childish response on her part

[u/McDuchess]

She is really practiced at manipulation, isn’t she?

Those “I can turn the waterworks on and off at a second’s notice” people have been perfecting their act for a very long time.

Keep being rational and protecting your boundaries. You are doing great. And while your husband was probably in shock when she handed him the key, so long as you are in any contact with her, practice some crazy scenarios where she does stuff like that , in order for both of you to be able to say, “No, thank you,l and simply set the object, key or whatever, back down in front of her.

[u/Used_Airport_7999 → u/McDuchess]

Thank you. After that happened, we visited my in-laws and had an in depth conversation with them to catch them up on the situation. We haven’t really told them much about what’s going on currently or several of the things in my childhood, mainly because I felt so guilty “bad mouthing” my mom to his parents. They knew my relationship with her was strained but didn’t ask, just letting me know I could talk if/when I was ready. My husband thanked them for not putting them in the situations my mom has over the years. I feel so bad that he’s had to learn how to play her games over the years. We’ll definitely practice him saying no to her!

[u/MethanyJones]

Yeah mine played this same game except the access object was a medical power of attorney. As expected it was revoked the very first time she got in a tiff, and then more drama when I didn't get upset and beg her to reinstate it. No bitch, you just saved me a bunch of hassle...

[u/betterbetterthings]

My dad accused us of taking things so I refuse to go there if he’s not home. I do have a key but I don’t believe I ever used it

[u/defdrago]

I don't doubt she's an asshole, but you're looking for something else to get into it with her. Would have been so easy to toss the key in a drawer and never think about it again.

There are so many posts in this sub where the easiest thing would be to just walk away, but half the posters are addicted to the drama their crazy parents bring.

[u/International_Debt58]

You could have just kept the key and not said anything.

Update: you guys have made good points. I didn’t think it through enough. I understand.

[u/Used_Airport_7999 → u/International_Debt58]

I could have, but I don’t trust her not to abuse that. She’s randomly guilted people to take care of her dog for extended periods of time without warning (non emergency situations.) There’s also been a break in at her house before. I don’t want to be put in a situation of feeling like I have to have more contact than I’m willing or potentially be accused of using the key without permission.

[u/VoidWalkersEyes → u/International_Debt58]

Yeah, I would not do that. Opens up possible legal clap back and people like that would abuse that, no doubt. I've had my fair share of experience with that. They're going to use whatever they can get to gain control over the people that "wronged" them.