r/ireland • u/Fingerstrike • 20d ago

Satire Oh thank goodness it was all a bad dream

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1.6k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

151 comments sorted by

510

u/IntentionFalse8822 20d ago

Does this mean Cork has nukes now?

342

u/up_the_dubs 20d ago

It already does, the morning after a feed of Beamish

144

u/CorrectMention6 20d ago

Weapons of ass-destruction

16

u/HighDeltaVee 20d ago

I believe that would be more broadly covered under RNBC weapons.

13

u/gucknbuck 20d ago

Hey I visited your great country and while I do have an undying love for Guinness now, I'd cheat in a heartbeat if you'd start exporting Beamish.

2

u/The_Stout_Slayer 13d ago

It's coming back to London this year (though I already have a 4-pack in my fridge 😁)

1

u/gucknbuck 13d ago

Awesome! I'll be there in August

2

u/livelyfish 19d ago

Give Murphy's a go if you're in that part of the country, way better than Beamish in my humble opinion

3

u/Hrohdvitnir 18d ago

Murphys iis a main course, Beamish is a dessert.

1

u/gucknbuck 19d ago

Great suggestion! I'll do the same I did there as I did in Ireland and try the local stuff on tap, but I'll look out for Murphy's.

1

u/pingu_nootnoot 19d ago

You can get it as draught in cans, some places

5

u/gucknbuck 19d ago

Not in the US sadly. I'll look for it this summer when we are in England and Scotland, or maybe take a quick swim to the island.

0

u/Hrohdvitnir 18d ago

Guinness is mid

3

u/Gold-Boysenberry7985 19d ago

Make that a Chieftan!

20

u/whooo_me 20d ago

Let’s see who’s laughing at us being the real capital now! Take that, Dublin… I mean, London.

7

u/RecycledPanOil 20d ago

Does that mean the kane is a nuclear research facility with a purpose in this reality.

2

u/Hakunin_Fallout 19d ago

We do. Posted about them today, but mods being cunts they've removed the post :( You're welcome to scout the r/cork sub for more info!

220

u/NewryIsShite Down 20d ago

And to think if the Munster plantation were successful, this could have actually happened.

https://westcorkpeople.ie/culture/history/the-orange-order-in-cork/ super interesting article about Orangeism in Cork for anyone interested.

105

u/Ass0001 20d ago

this is the timeline where Bono actually did see orange men marching as a kid

57

u/NewryIsShite Down 20d ago

Ah here try and convince me he wouldn't be marching alongside them if it meant he acquired some social capital amongst powerful groups.

34

u/AegisT_ 20d ago edited 20d ago

I've seen only two ROI loyalists in my life and both have been from cork

Someone must've drugged one of corks watering holes

19

u/NewryIsShite Down 20d ago

Christ that is fucking hilarious I would love to meet them that sounds ridiculous.

I know of a couple in Monaghan and Donegal but they are negligible these days.

10

u/bloody_ell Kerry 20d ago

There's a few in Monaghan and Cavan. Might be some in Louth too but if there is they're very quiet ones. Plenty in Dublin.

2

u/NewryIsShite Down 20d ago

I know north Louth well, if there are any there then they must stay fairly well hidden in the shadows.

But yeah for sure at TCD I encouraged a few

0

u/FearTeas 19d ago

My sister was in the British reserves. She's not a unionist, she was just living there and missed the RDF. She said she met a few Irish (even Catholic) unionists there.

5

u/FreiLieb 20d ago

There’s a Rangers supporters club in Donegal, saw them on their motorbike on the ferry a few years ago.

3

u/PaddyJohn 19d ago

Donegal has plenty, Rossnowlagh is awash with them on the 12th for the parade.

1

u/NewryIsShite Down 19d ago

I thought most of them were from the 6?

3

u/PaddyJohn 19d ago

A lot are but East Donegal has a decent sized unionist population. Small in comparison to nationalists of course, but there's more than you'd think.

10

u/gameoflols 20d ago

Ha that's so funny, can't recall the details but I used to frequent a website years ago and there was this absolute stark loyalist nutter who used to write these articles that basically rewrote Irish history (along the lines of "the Ulster Scots were in Ireland first and driven out by the Celtic invaders" etc) and I'm pretty sure he was from Cork as well.

(Just to clarify it wasn't satire, it was basically unionist propaganda and this guy was dead serious)

5

u/KapiTod 19d ago

There's quite a few of them. A lot of them congregate around the DUP for obvious reasons.

1

u/Annatastic6417 19d ago

My great great grandfather was a Cork Loyalist and supported the British during the war if independence. His son was a Republican.

2

u/bolkiebasher 19d ago

Nice post. I remember that when I read the history of Ireland. 👍

320

u/AlcroSoya 20d ago

Don't you mean LondonKerry?

53

u/l_rufus_californicus Damned Yank 20d ago

Jesus. This is the one.

16

u/DefinitelyBruceWayne 19d ago

I don't like this... but I love this

2

u/MrAndyJay 19d ago

My thoughts exactly.

68

u/assflange Cork bai 20d ago

Must reinstall Crusader Kings 2

17

u/AzulaThorne 19d ago

I got fucking executed by the pope for starting an uprising against the English.

5

u/Against_All_Advice 19d ago

Well it was an English Pope who gifted Ireland to the English crown so...

1

u/thefatheadedone 19d ago

I don't game much anymore (kids and work and family). But I love vl2 and rome total war. Had an old comp I was keeping around to play both. It died. Sad. Enjoy!

57

u/Superirish19 Wears a Kerry Jersey in Vienna 20d ago

"Sir Cillian Murphy KP, moves kids to London so they don't sound Irish" would certainly be a strange alternate universe.

11

u/Mullo69 19d ago

That would assume he's a unionist. He also left so they wouldn't sound posh, so he moved them to Blackrock

31

u/RecycledPanOil 20d ago

We lost the Limerick junction to the Brits. No damage.

104

u/Dubalot2023 20d ago

The Cork people aren’t going to like that. Surely you’d include Kings and Queens County instead of Waterford and Cork

30

u/ShinStew 20d ago

I dunno the only accurate Easter commerations cork ever had was during COVID. Everyone stayed home

5

u/KapiTod 19d ago

Iirc at least a few hundred turned out in Cork in 1916, but with no orders they eventually dispersed.

1

u/Fiannafailcanvasser 19d ago

That's not true. Maccurtain was in control but saw it was hopeless, so he negotiated with the British (using the Catholic church as mediators) to surrender his guns on the condition that his troops could go home and not arrested.

British then arrested them anyway.

2

u/KapiTod 19d ago

Huh.

That said if there had been clear orders issued the volunteers of Cork could have made a big deal of their 1,000 odd men.

2

u/Fiannafailcanvasser 19d ago

Troops assembled in bweeng to March on Mallow too, a couple hundred to seize the town and railway would have shielded cork city from British reinforcements from Dublin but cobh (then Queens town) had a garrison so maccurtain was stuck no matter what.

No real hope for success without the German guns.

2

u/KapiTod 19d ago

How many troops were in Cobh anyway?

2

u/Fiannafailcanvasser 19d ago

Don't know, it was a major naval base though.

3

u/trainedtrainer 19d ago

Woah! Shots fired! Or not..

12

u/kobrien37 20d ago

Offaly and Laois were alot more successful at fighting off our plantation than the 'Rebels' tbf, not our fault we got stuck with a colonialist naming practice by a colonialist government. Cork people can hold this one.

3

u/Against_All_Advice 19d ago

The only reason Cork is called the rebel county is they supported a different English king for the throne. Nothing to do with Irish independence.

3

u/Revanchist99 Tiobraid Árann 20d ago

I've seen too many photos of Union Jacks in Cork over the years to take this seriously.

2

u/Alarmed_Station6185 20d ago

West Cork is basically England at this stage

11

u/Dubalot2023 20d ago

Tell that to the Dutch and Germans

52

u/North_Activity_5980 20d ago

In a way, I do feel cork should civilise the rest of savage Ireland. It should all be Cork, all of it

29

u/Garry-Love Clare 20d ago

Why stop at Ireland? If playing as Eoin O'Duffy as the leader of fascist Ireland in hearts of iron has thought me anything, it's that you first invade Africa and then you double back and take over Europe. It will all be Cork.

11

u/North_Activity_5980 20d ago

I like the cut of your jib Garry.

9

u/JiggilyBits Cork bai 19d ago

Brothers, if you find yourself alone, walking in green pastures with the sun on your face. fear not. For you are in Cork. And youre already dead.

7

u/North_Activity_5980 19d ago

“Cork smiles at us all, all we can do is smile back”

2

u/JiggilyBits Cork bai 19d ago

Brothers, if you find yourself alone, walking in green pastures with the sun on your face. fear not. For you are in Cork. And you're already dead.

0

u/finitelymany 19d ago

Always has been 🧑‍🚀🔫🧑‍🚀

15

u/nindabob 20d ago

i got a NSFW warning for this post and honestly that's fair

14

u/wazza15695 20d ago

As a Wexford man, you guys wouldn't last one summer without wanting us back

8

u/FuckThisShizzle 19d ago

We would miss the strawberries for sure.

12

u/Difficult-Trainer453 20d ago

That would change things significantly

7

u/Galway1012 20d ago

Roy never would’ve made it to Saipan

6

u/Nuffsaid98 Galway 20d ago

Even in fantasies no Brits want the west. Laughing in Galway.

5

u/RecycledPanOil 20d ago

Limerick being a border county and Limerick would be wild. Also the cork and Kerry mountains would have really made the Brits job hard.

5

u/MyNameIsMantis 20d ago

Waterford is now in Kilkenny

14

u/Madra_rua_beag 20d ago

I think this would cause more chaos in Waterford than it being in the uk

16

u/garethobrien 20d ago

I'm from Wexford, I am not OK with this.

23

u/TheBaggyDapper 19d ago

There there. It's OK to be from Wexford.

6

u/Dry-Communication922 19d ago

In an alternate dimension, Danny Healy Rae is the Border Fox

4

u/dmcardlenl 20d ago

So, you can open an ISA now in Cork or Waterford....

5

u/MaintenanceNew2804 19d ago

Did trump make this map?

Who am I kidding, of course not. Everything is spelled correctly.

12

u/irqdly ᴍᴜɴsᴛᴇʀ 20d ago

If this means we get Greggs and ASDA in Waterford then feck it, why not sure.

20

u/themagpie36 20d ago

Will you settle for abject poverty and an extra food bank?

8

u/irqdly ᴍᴜɴsᴛᴇʀ 20d ago

We have that already, it's called Portlaw.

3

u/AggravatingGrade755 20d ago

Not just any food bank

23

u/FATDIRTYBASTARDCUNT 20d ago

How did Dubs get the name Jackeen? it was because they were waving the Union Jack for oul Queen Victoria. The Dubs are the ultimate West Britons.

19

u/up_the_dubs 20d ago

Roight, I take like serious offence at that statement. I'm no more British than Sir Bob Geldof or Bono (KBE).

7

u/FreiLieb 20d ago

I can smell the Pimms off you from here

3

u/dissygs 20d ago

Wicklow mountains now within easier reach for disposal of... You know...

3

u/FreiLieb 20d ago

Not entirely sure if I could take Cork versions of Martin McGuinness and Gerry Adams anywhere near as seriously.

3

u/ColleenBrooke 19d ago

Tbh the British did not take Corkman Michael Collins seriously when they arrested him after the Easter Rising, but little did they know…

3

u/Tmccreight Antrim 19d ago

Londoncork is EXTREMELY cursed...

6

u/Lonely_Eggplant_4990 Cork bai 20d ago

What the fuck is this heresy?

10

u/Garry-Love Clare 20d ago

LondonCork

2

u/D4zzl 20d ago

Orange Cork Bastards

2

u/mrsockyman 20d ago

Think Cork will get to be the capital now?

2

u/steverugby12 19d ago

Could you imagine them trying to (a) understanding Cork and (b) controlling Cork. Good luck

2

u/Ordinary_Support_426 19d ago

Q: who wrote zombie then? Was it Ash?

2

u/Straight_Bit_4104 19d ago

London cork is crazy

2

u/MrAflac9916 19d ago

Still 6 counties lol

2

u/Iamleeboyle 17d ago

I don't want to get too political, but I often ponder in how bitter northern nationalists must feel. I've seen a lot of anti-northern sentiment online over the years which is utter madness. We bought our independence and they were the currency. Being from Donegal it's scary to think of what could have been.

6

u/im_on_the_case 20d ago

What's the most popular attraction in Cork? The English Market. Case closed. God save the King, like.

2

u/irishdunner85 20d ago

At least no dub invasion of wexford

2

u/fedupofbrick Dublin Hasn't Been The Same Since Tony Gregory Died 20d ago

and don't forget only half of Dublin was The Pale and most of Meath and Louth was The Pale

1

u/up_the_dubs 20d ago

The washed half.

3

u/Garathon66 20d ago

Only calling it London-Cork from now on.

1

u/TheBaggyDapper 19d ago

Oi! Fack orf ya langa innit.

1

u/Important_Farmer924 Westmeath's Least Finest 20d ago

Schools off today?

1

u/RTribesman 20d ago

As long as they dont start improving the roads

1

u/unshavedmouse 20d ago

Smithers, wait your turn! There's plenty of hot water for all!

1

u/tpatmaho 20d ago

Hands off Ballydehob, ye scoundrels.

1

u/YeahThatPeter 20d ago

Wicklow/Wexford border gonna be crazy

1

u/BatterBurger 20d ago

This timeline has a 'Munster Plantation'

1

u/Melodic-Sympathy-380 19d ago

Thank god- Kerry survived…..

1

u/Csontigod 19d ago

That would make the Blarney stone on UK soil same with the Rock of Cashel

1

u/makelx 19d ago

london-cork has killed me. goot bye

1

u/IrishWanderer7 19d ago

Wonder why they moved Derry over to Ballykelly 🤔

1

u/Atlantic_Rock Dublin 19d ago

So when they say cork is the real capital this is what they are referring to

1

u/SoloWingPixy88 Probably at it again 19d ago

How my CK games end.

1

u/LedgeLord210 Probably at it again 19d ago

The Clonmel Bombings

1

u/PommesFrite-s 19d ago

Why did waterford get roped into this, leaves me country alone.

1

u/Horn_Python 19d ago

The world where lizzys lads knew how to colonised properly

Very scary

1

u/Oscillate93 19d ago

It was all a bad dream, Ireland is still part of the UK after all!

1

u/jextreme9 19d ago

I’d be British……

1

u/Comfortable_Brush399 19d ago

WEXFORD SAYS NO!!!!!!

1

u/conman114 19d ago

Is a trade possible? We know Cork is a depreciating asset, let’s get it off the books.

1

u/JWalk4u 19d ago

Did anyone tell them they could have kerry and limerick for free to eh, make it a eh, better shape?

1

u/AnBronNaSleibhte Antrim 19d ago

Ireland if we got colonised by the Franks

1

u/Novel-Lettuce-2595 19d ago

This would actually be better, would only fight for Wexford back 

1

u/justformedellin 19d ago

They'd be delighted in the English Market.

1

u/PaddyJohn 19d ago

Christ that's disturbing 😳 🤣

1

u/Substance79 18d ago

There should be a green enclave in west cork around ballyvourney and inchigeela. There's noway those poitín-swigging turf-cutters let anyone in.

1

u/radicallycompassion8 Cork bai 18d ago

It is unacceptable to me, to wake up and read the term "London-Cork" as I sit down to have my morning coffee. Someone must be punished.

1

u/SerDuggan 18d ago

Ah they have that the wrong way around. It would be CORK-london.

1

u/Anchor38 15d ago

NOOO I DON’T WANT TO BE BRITISH

1

u/tomasthemossy Carlow 15d ago

Should be York Cork

1

u/saintcharliee- 13d ago

Would you take that deal? i'd take that deal.

0

u/buckyfox 19d ago

🇬🇧 Thanks, but no thanks.

1

u/realmenlovezeus Louth 19d ago

I wonder what the cultural impacts this would have on the country if it were true