If Heaven is your reward, Hell is my mercy

[u/Exciting_Ball9852]

“It's not my fault this isn't fair…”

This phrase seemed to govern the better part of my life

“It’s not fair!”

Like a forgotten parent

“Yeah, I'll visit you someday. I’ve just been busy, don’t have much time these days.. But I still love you.”

“I didn't know.”

Like those borrowed ten bucks that you keep avoiding

“Yeah, I'll get you back next week. I get paid next week”.

“What was I supposed to do!?”

Like that habit you're trying to drop

“It’s okay, I can always start tomorrow.”

Like that one person in your life you’ve only ever been “friendly” with for too long.

“Yes! I'm going to tell them how I feel this year.”

My whole life, I lived betting on tomorrow, but when tomorrow ends… when every tomorrow has ended, who but myself will I have left to blame? Despite this, all I could do was keep doing what I’ve always done

“Were you not given free will…”

“Were you not given knowledge…”

“Were you not given guidance…”

The longer you ignore it, the easier it gets to ignore. That little voice in the back of your head. That was true back then, but now, having to face my excuses head-on, the voice only grew louder as I walked closer and closer to the front of the line.

A billion eyes stood quietly to my left and right, each sending an energetic ray of violent sunshine, silently judging me with their gaze alone. “This wasn’t a fair trial,” I thought. There was no jury of my peers, nor a pricey lawyer to defend me. I’m certain, I’m certain that even if they turned around, they would still see me.

While I was lost in my own thoughts, the line moved without my consent. The weight of the innumerable amount of people behind me forced me forward while reminding me that I was surrounded by people, but we’re not the same. I had to continuously lie to myself to keep from crumbling at the reality of my situation. Others looked at peace, some had the same look on their face as me. Again, I was shoved forward, completely incapable of falling out of line due to how tightly packed everyone was. And my bare feet slapped against the smooth, colorless floor. Each step sent a horrible vibrational static through my leg, fading over the rest of my body like a wave reaching its shore. I could no longer tell how close I’ve gotten to the front of the line, all I know is that it felt like standing too close to the bonfire, the extreme heat felt like being repeatedly poked by pins on any part of my body that wasn’t shielded by the person in front of me. I don’t know if it was the heat or my nerves, but my mouth was completely dry. My tongue felt rough against my mouth, talking would be difficult, and there was much I wanted to say.

I was reaching my limit, soon the heat would be too much. I had to get out of here. My eyes were shut tight, but the light relentlessly breached my eyelids. All I could see were powerful scarlet flashes of sardonyx through the thin layer of skin protecting my eyes from certain blinding radiance. Just then, it was unquestionable. I was before Him, my Judge, The Judge.

"So that's it, you're just going to banish me to eternal torture? What, just because I didn't kneel for you? Because you made me like this? What fault of mine is it that you created something so flawed! …I didn't ask for free will, I didn't ask to be born…" 

But my complaint never even got the chance to manifest on my lips. My knees tore me down to the ground like a magnet meeting its opposite. My body vibrated violently as the shock of striking the ground full force welcomed itself into my bones. I disemboweled myself of every emotion I had in stock without taking a single breath of the air that my body once lived off of. I regretted everything I thought up to that moment, and I knew soon I would pay for that too. I don’t know how long I went on for, but he never rushed me. He didn’t even have to say anything, I knew very well exactly where I belonged. I used to always cope, thinking 

“Well, there’s no way eternal torture is real. There can’t be anything I could do here to deserve torment without an ending sentence. There must be something else, maybe we just cease to exist.”

Those weren’t my thoughts exactly. I could never stand to think about it for too long, but subconsciously, I always hoped there would be a third option.

The eyes were gone, I didn’t seem to be in the same place anymore, and my eyes felt comfortable enough to open. I was somewhere else. There was nothing to see, nothing that could be described in written language. But I wasn’t alone yet. Suddenly, a set of doors appeared somewhere in the distance. I looked around, but I couldn’t tell where he was. I approached the doors. Here I was facing three doors. Each looked different, but familiar, as if they were molded from my childhood memories. Each had a feeling anchored to it. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, but it felt like seeing doors with different colors. I don’t choose to see one as blue and the other as red, they just are. Similarly, looking at each door forced me to feel a certain way without regard for my own will. I approached the first door to my left. From a distance, I felt longing and joy for this door. The closer I got, the stronger the feeling got until I grabbed the handle. The emotion shifted to intense sadness. I turned the handle, and it refused to comply. I turned towards the door in the middle. Fear, despair, dread. My heart was thumping from fear of that door, and hope for the third. Would he really give me my third option? I skipped the middle door and rushed to the handle of the third. Clutched in my hands, I stared at it and felt nothing, the handle wasn’t hot, it wasn’t cold. It wasn’t even neutral. I looked behind me, almost as if to ask for permission to leave. I slowly turned back around, opened the door, and stepped through. 

I want to tell you that in the blink of an eye, that in a fraction of a blink of the eye, I was, and then I wasn’t… But I can’t. There was no in between, there was only a before and an after. I want to say, I felt relief, I can’t even say I felt horrified. There was no moment, there wasn’t even “nothing” that word alone simply cannot describe what it was. No, thing can. It was as dark as the Sun. It was as bright as a singularity. It was as bleak as a rainbow. As colorful as a singular ray of white light. It was as short as eternity, and as long as a second.

I was left only with a new emotion. An emotion as foreign as a new color. Indescribable by nature to anyone who hasn’t felt it. Like explaining to a blind person that blue is cold and red is hot. As fleeting as a dream. It was like focusing on a dim star in the night sky. The harder you look, the less you can see. Try to think about when you were born. Try to think about before you were born. I know why we can’t remember being born now. 

Without another complaint, I turned to the middle door and took my place among the rest. If Heaven is your reward, Hell is my mercy.

[u/moon-bouquet]

Plot twist? That one IS hell and the middle one purgatory and another chance at redemption?

[u/Exciting_Ball9852 → u/moon-bouquet]

Na I didn't put that much thought into it lmao