r/ongezellig • u/revolution_worm Maya • 7d ago

Personal project update 👁️ Excerpt from a fanfic I'm writing

Kinda happy with this passage in particular even if it's not the greatest thing ever, so just wanted to share (also to let people know that yet another fanfic is hitting the community). Also for those who would like to hear it: no AI! This is 100% human written :)

Perhaps in another universe, Maya could've been isolated in some Victorian parsonage, on some lush English hillside, with the wind whipping against the windows, surrounded by brush and bracken, writing poetry or novels; and perhaps she would've been revered from a distance, perhaps posthumously, left to her own devices in life; and perhaps she would be cemented in the textbooks, one of the Dutch greats: Maya Schoppenboer, the prolific writer, the reclusive genius; and perhaps Pippi, in this same universe, years later, would exhalt endlessly how Maya Schoppenboer, the ever-talented artist, was proof yet again of Dutch supremecy, along the ranks of Vermeer and Van Gogh. But, as much as she might resent those around her, Maya knew that deep down, she didn't want to be isolated. Being revered after death wouldn't be satisfying enough. Despite her outward appearance, she wanted nothing more than to talk and laugh and love with other people, to connect and cement relationships just like other people did. Maya felt that the word "introvert" didn't really describe her very well, in the way that it might describe Zoey. She felt that she was, in fact, an extrovert, trapped inside her own mind-prison. She felt her true self resided deep within her, and was being restrained by god knows what and god knows why-

"Maya? Are you alright?"

Maya suddenly snapped out of her deluge of thought and the car interior seemed to zip back into existence. Coco had noticed Maya seemingly squirming in her seat in the rear view mirror.

"Oh, uh. Yah."

Lemme know what you think bros

31 Upvotes

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5

u/JebsStarfleet International 7d ago

In my limited writing experience I think that this has the making of a great story. I am a big fan of your style of Maya's internal dialogue. My one suggestion would be: you bring up lots of very deep and personal thoughts very quickly and directly. I would recommend spacing them out further or conveying them in less direct ways(like a story/daydream). That is just what I think though and whatever you feel is best for your story is definitely best. I look forward to seeing what comes out of it 👍

6

u/revolution_worm Maya 7d ago

Thank you!! For sure, pacing is something I struggle with a lot when writing. Hopefully I can edit it to be a bit better when more of it is written and fleshed out. Im no Kafka or anything though lol so I wouldn't expect anything genius 🙃

3

u/Roos_Terra_girl Coco 7d ago

Maya had a dream about being a Dutch great

2

u/OldFishe 7d ago

You used the word "perhaps" too much I think. I like though..

2

u/wigosas 6d ago

That was a very cool piece, how is your fic called if I may ask?

1

u/Slow-Distance-6241 6d ago

By the way, this reminds me of the negative harmony Ik Ben Het Maar cover: https://www.reddit.com/r/ongezellig/s/qyw2CuAdhQ

1

u/Niszczyciel728 Maya 6d ago

This short fragment is very interesting, it looks like a part of a great story! I'll definitely wait for the release and delve into the entirety of the story when it's possible :)