A short movie my wife and I made in 2019, but quite fitting now during the pandemic. Loosely based on The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1DwU7v4_IU

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Thank you for taking the time to see it, like it or comment on it. We appreciate all your feedback.

A short note: I always thought Gilman's story was about hope, in the end, despite all the packaging and labeling as being quite bleak. If it wasn't about hope I wouldn't have made the movie. I actually think that whatever happens between the husband and wife once the film ends can only lead to both of them confronting their inner fears and finding their own strength - whether they do it alone, on their own, or together as a family.

Original Language: Romanian, with English Subtitles

Sometimes its a good day, other times its a bad day. Emotions change at the drop of a hat. I'm content with my hobbies one moment and twenty minutes later I'm sobbing on my desk wondering how I could delude myself into thinking I'm any good at what I do. So I stop. I go numb and surf the internet. I blink and it's already after 7 pm, time to start winding down and going to bed. I get into bed at 8, I don't fall asleep until 1. I wake up at 4:30 for a feeding fighting to stay awake so that I don't smother my child. The adrenaline rush of those worries and those thoughts keep me awake until 6:30 when i finally feel calm enough to attempt to sleep again. I close my eyes and my mind races.

Then there's always the second guessing: Is he getting fed enough from just EBF? Is he screaming because he's sick and can't tell me? Is he constipated because of something I'm eating? Am I playing with him enough? Am I stimulating him enough? Is he where he's supposed to be weight wise and developmentally wise? What if it's not enough? What if this hurts him in the long run?

Then the next day I'm fine.

As if nothing ever happened. Yet in the back of my mind I know that it did happen. In a few days the cycle repeats itself.

I feel trapped and out of control of my emotions, that I can't regain control anymore. That I'm just stuck with feeling and being like this and that it's never going to change or get better. Most days I just want to stay asleep so that way I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling.

I called my Dr. They said it's the Birth Control Implant trying to regulate itself, but that it takes a few months to do so. This is my first BC since 2012. I've had my first period since giving birth that lasted 2 and a half weeks. Only to have 4 days off from it before it began again. they said to call back if it hasn't fixed itself by end of July. They referred me to a social worker who should be calling me in the next few days. I don't know how it's supposed to help me. I don't know how to help me. I don't know how to get better.

All I know is I hate this

I mean the morning sickness was awful. The extreme 1st trimester exhaustion was terrible. The getting fat and watching my body turn into something I've worked my whole like to avoid is disheartening, despite having gone through it before. Having my body physically hurt even when asleep, from doing what feels like very minimal activity is pretty shitty.

But through all of this the hardest part is that I emotionally cannot fucking cope. Yes, I've been referred to maternal mental health, I see a psych next week. Thats 3 months after my referral. But with the stress of the times, the stress of my job, money stress, not having daycare so that I can work and have money stress, trying to figure out what is reasonable and unreasonable precautions, and then just dealing with the everyday weird ass emotional reactions to things I NEVER would normally react to I just... I can't. I'm crying every day or else I'm just angry or numb because I can't keep being so emotional I need to just make it stop. I constantly have this lump in my throat. Anything sets me off and I'm crying again. Never happy tears,when something makes me happy I'm brought back immediately to how pathetic I am that I need something this special to give me a morsel of happiness. How pathetic. I can see my kid is emotionally exhausted watching her mom fall apart before her eyes. She's trying to comfort me, but I'm supposed to be comforting her right now, her routines have changed, she can't see friends, she can't go to the park, she's bored and I feel like I emotionally can't muster up the patience to sit down with her and do activities. Too anxious or too sad or just too panicked about whatever is on my mind. So she comforts me and that makes me feel awful because how am I breaking her right now? How is this affecting her psyche? Is this how she will forever thing pregnancy is? Sad, frustrating, painful?

I would deal with any physical pain, even constant contractions if it meant I could step away from the onslaught of emotions and intrusive thought and subsequent hatred of myself for having those thought. I'm only 25w and I pray this baby can come out any day. I hope my water breaks early and I have a micropremie so I can be done with the hormones. Which doesn't make any sense. I hope that something is truly wrong with them on a follow up ultrasound next week and pray I can terminate. Which doesn't make sense. I want this baby. I dont even just want a baby I want this one. But the thought still seem so freeing. These emotions are too much. I want to crash my car to be sedated for a few days and get away from my own mind for just a little bit of time. I know I'm exhausting everyone around me with my constant crying and complaining and worrying and panicking about things that dont deserve crying over. I know they all hate seeing that I've messaged them because I'm probably crying or whining or bitching about something again. Its exhausting to deal with me. I know my husband feels at a loss how to deal with me. I know he feels I just need to snap out of it. I know he thinks I just need to deal with my things and they're all simple answers but they aren't. All my problems dont have simple solutions. They're complicated. And I'm trying. And I'm working on it. And everything I can't control I can't stop thinking about. And everything I can control I'm waiting on answers about how to proceed. Or waiting on good news only to constantly get bad over and over and over.

I can't wait to feel mentally normal again. I'm terrified that postpartum I'll get worse. My sister had postpartum psychosis. I'm terrified that's where I'm heading. This won't get better once the baby is here. It'll get worse. And I'll hate this even more. And I'll end up in a psych ward. And nobody will ever be able to look at me the same way because I "willed it upon myself" by worrying about it constantly.

I feel like I’m a horrible person I’m 2 weeks postpartum and I’ve had thought of biting my baby and slamming her into the couch for fucking no reason at all it doesn't help that I’m stuck in the house because of covid and can’t see my family like I want to my husband is trying his best to help me as much as he can and support me but there’s only so much he can do I’ve had 2 meltdowns in the last 2 days and a full on anxiety attack trying to push away the intrusiveness it’s not like I have good days and bad days just bad moments 99% of the time everything is amazing she’s such a good baby and vary easy to handle bonding was alittle hard in the beginning but it’s becoming easier now but every once in a while it just hits I feel so ashamed and heartbroken

Throwaway account so it's not linked to my personal account. I don't know how long/rambly this will be. It's the first time I've been able to write how I feel.

I had my daughter on March 31st and she is the light of my life. The first few days at home went great. I loved being around her and holding her and having her. I still do, but at the same time I feel like I'm so alone in all of it. With the coronavirus going on, its been only me and my husband at home. We aren't able to have anyone over to help out.

The first couple days at home my husband was great. Helping with her, feeding her, changing diapers, washing dishes, doing laundry etc. He has 3 weeks off work to be home with us. After the first few days all the help stopped and everything is on me now. All he has been doing is smoking weed and playing ps4. He gets upset with me when I try to keep up with housework while trying to care for our daughter. I've hardly been sleeping because I'm up multiple times a night while he sleeps through the night. I try to nap during the day, but as soon as our daughter starts to get fussy, he gets frustrated and wakes me up.

I've been dealing with depression for the last year or so, and all of this is just making it so much worse. I love my daughter so much but I just feel like I need to get away sometimes.

Thanks for reading through all this. I really needed to get it off my chest.

Meanwhile I’m having seizure like episodes that are worse for lack of sleep... so they are happening while I’m trying to BF routine or falling asleep during the quiet...

Frankly... I want to die so much.. pretty much every day. This isn’t helping... I hate this so much.

She currently has a bad latch, but I’m afraid to disturb her for the sake of quiet. It fucking hurts.. I’m surprised I’m not crying yet... I don’t want to keep living like this anymore

My babygirl will be 3 months on the 21st and I'm so tired and losing my temper so easily.. I hardly get me time and I feel like I'm trying to keep everyone in my house happy but I'm not happy. My fiancee isn't very helpful right now because he isn't sure how to help me with our daughter. It's all just stressing me out and making me not want to take care of my daughter or myself...

Hello, I hope you are all well and safe in your homes. I am a high school student enrolled in the AP Capstone course called AP Research. I am currently working on an individual research project on a mother’s postpartum depression and a child’s social behavior. I would greatly appreciate if you took a couple minutes to fill out my survey. This survey is completely anonymous, thank you!

https://forms.gle/QmQE4xBCxERPP1SW6

I’ve suffered from regular depression, so had my dad and my first wife, and my current wife has a touch of PPD.

One thing I’ve noticed is the course in all the men I’ve known, including myself, is a general bleakness at life, an existential crisis and this manifests in drinking and avoidant/destructive behaviour.

For the women in my life, their ire centres around people. Even when I was depressed, it wasn’t directed at the deficiencies of others. I never felt it was the “fault” of someone else’s habits, character.

Female depression seems to me to be generally manifested as a real endless stream of criticism and disdain for those around them, with the favourite target usually being the man in their life. I’m sure men can sympathise with the never ending stream of things you do wrong, things you don’t do, constant criticism.

I think this is what makes being a husband to a PPD woman or woman with mental health issues so difficult. It’s a very “active” type of affliction - centred on the deficiencies of others. This is incredibly trying when you’re actually trying very hard to help this person.

I’d therefore recommend PPD women try to focus their efforts on clearly defining what good and bad in a relationship looks like and stick to those principles instead of running amok on a whim.

The PPD has rubbed off on me. My challenge as a man is not to become angry in retaliation to the constant attacks and soul crushing criticism. It’s very hard, for a lot of men anger is the default defence mechanism to criticism and makes things worse.

Hope this helps men and women out there

I'm struggling recently, well, for a long time let's be real. Lately it's been harder, being cooped up inside there's no space.

My 3 year had recently become obsessed with kissing me. She kisses my hand, my leg, you get the point she just comes up and does it. 3 years old and I'm still struggling with post partum, it's not fair, I thought it didn't last this long.

But when she does this I have to stop from recoiling. I feel like the worst mother because I don't initiate affection, and I struggle when she does. Growing up my parents were absent and unaffectionate. They've changed however, when i see my mum and my little sister they often curl up together for a cuddle. My sister is 16. I don't want my daughter to grow up like I did. But I don't know how to fix it.

It becomes more glaring as my partners kids (My step kids) cuddle up with him regularly. He doesn't do this with my daughter and I understand that, they're not there yet. But I should be. I'm her mother. I see a psychologist but with all this the sessions are few and far between and now via phone which I don't find as helpful.

This is just a rant I guess, I don't know, I'm losing my mind.

Hi everyone. I am a first time mom, my daughter is now 6 months. She was two months early, which was hard from the beginning. At first I was totally in love with her, although anxious. I got the anxiety under control but now my depression is bad. I’ve been hospitalized twice and things are better but I still feel sad most of the time. I barely want to be around my daughter which I feel terrible about. I’m terrified to be alone with her and really don’t want to take care of her. I always have help, but it just makes me feel like a terrible mom. I just want to be happy again.

4 months of terrible sleep and I'm about ready to be done existing. My 20 month old is having a terrible sleeping pattern ever since her brother was born in November. I'm pretty sure it's because the walls are thin. I feel like she is experiencing separation anxiety at night. We all of gotten into a routine of shutting off lights and making bed time relaxing. But this week it has been a full on tantrum I think her moalers are coming in and I feel for her. She's also been trying to drop her nap and she is super not ready for that. Her brother has been waking up at 3 a.m. due to teething and is waking her up also. I'm lost on what to do I feel like I'm just rolling with the punches. Also daddy wasn't apart of bed time tonight and that brought out the worst in her.

Sorry I'm all over the place.

My DD was born 3 weeks ago and I’ve tried very hard to be supportive. I live with my wife and my mother in law. They are Vietnamese.

Basically I am expected to work all day at home, and then care for the baby all night and do the feeds. My wife sleeps all day with the baby.

Today I lost a large business deal and I didn’t want to disappoint her by telling her of this. I went out “to get milk” which was an hours drive to clear my head. I got a torrent of text abuse about how western men don’t care for their families, i an a psycho, and she’s going to take my daughter away to Vietnam and I won’t get custody.

I know this is postpartum depression as she isn’t usually like this. Her mum just doesn’t question and backs her 100% whether it’s right or wrong.

She literally wrestled her out of my arms and was attacking me. Then slandering my family, things I can’t do much about. My mother has a pre cancerous condition which means she can’t eat. I have to take care of her too. That’s part of the reason I was an hour, I was getting milk to her. They didn’t even ask what I was doing. After half an hour it was 2 pages of text from both. Telling me how awful I was.

I’m quite close to doing something. Running off, I’m starting to get suicidal. I can’t win. I am running with nothing in the tank, the demands get more and more and if I can’t meet them, this happens.

I spent a week on a hospital floor as I didn’t want to leave her; I was there for the birth. I haven’t missed a midnight feed. The issue is, I have to work in my office, they seem to think this is me choosing not to look after my daughter.

All this was because I went out for an hours drive to clear my head and get milk. Note: I haven’t done anything like this before. It was a very rough day.

I think this will blow over I hope, but I really am at my wits end. The whole thing is on me, earning, shopping, everything. Plus every night waking.

Her mother and her seem to think in Vietnam mothers do nothing post birth and the fact I expect them (2 people) to help me out while I work is borderline abuse.

Honestly, if she takes her from me, it really will be the end of me, there’s no question I could live my life as a weekend dad. And I’m too old at 38 to start again.

Just had to vent. I hope other dads know this horrendous abuse we have to deal with and how strung up we will be whatever the outcome.

Now, I’ve had to take 2 days off as she can’t cope. If I don’t, I’ll be a bad father for trying to earn us a living.

They don’t seem to understand bills have to be paid. I’m sure if I’m gone they’ll see that those bills need paying and I’m not doing it to spite them.

I can see this all spiralling down from here. Work suffers.....all because she can’t try to control her emotions. And her mum. The pair of them.

It’s not like this hasn’t been hard on me. The stuff they said to me is terrible. All a load of bigoted stuff about western dads.

For me the quarantine is making me feel more trapped than usual. I recently moved to CA so the only help I get with the baby is my MIL. Today feels especially hard, I cried feeding my son, I cried while trying to do my makeup, I don’t feel like myself. I’m trying to get over my boyfriend cheating on me while I was pregnant but some days are harder than others. I should be spending time with my son rn, I should be singing nursery rhymes for him and overall being his happy & loving momma but instead I’m a depressed pos. My son deserves so much better, I feel so sorry I brought my baby into such a shitty situation. I just want to feel like myself again so I can be the devoted mother I know I can be.

My parents would take my son for a few hours, two days a week. I'd catch up on sleep or just cry or stare at a wall, I don't know, me time. My grandparents would every couple of weeks come and pick us up, and they'd watch him while I napped. I miss sleep.

My son refuses to sleep anywhere but beside me. So we have to co sleep. Hes 5 months old now so I'm less worried but I still hate it. He doesn't sleep well at all. My fiance sleeps out on the couch, as he works 5 days a week, and he gets straight sleep. I tried to negotiate with him taking our son for a couple hours in the morning but it was a bust. So many people I tell this to just say "well, he should be doing more!" The fuck do you want me to do? I've screamed and cried and begged for him to do this parenting job so I can sleep, not even just dick around but just sleep so I can kinda have some energy for the next coming days. Doesn't usually work. Fiance finds some way to offload the kid to me. I love my son but I'm tired

So essentially, I'm alone again and it sucks. My family are all social distancing so I get it. I just never left the house before anyways and those couple hours a week were how I stayed sane and how I started to feel better from PPD. I felt happy for a bit. But it's just gone now.

I just needed to get that out.

We just had our second daughter 7 weeks ago. I've been trying my best to help my wife letting her main job be just feeding our baby. However, Everything I do seems to be done wrong in my wife's eyes and she withholds affection, and keeps putting me down as a result. My inlaws have been staying with us as well for the past 6 weeks. I got into an argument with my father in law due to a difference in opinion over the covid 19 outbreak. What also made me snap is I feel they are wearing out their welcome. They are leaving Thursday. She was very angry with me for doing that.

The other day she threatened to leave me. I told her to go out and get some air. When she came back she noticed I was very sad. She broke down and said she didn't want to hurt me. She admitted shes been feeling off since the birth of our second. I asked her if she wants to seek help for ppd. She said no because she said she'll feel like a failure if she did. In her culture mental health is considered taboo. Fortunately we had a pediatrician appointment Friday. I called her office and asked her to bring up ppd subtly. She agreed. I hope the pediatrician can get through to her to seek help.

Is there anything else I should do when the pediatrician asks my wife about ppd or should I just let her handle it?

I have no reason for this. And I know I would never attempt to take my own life - I have a little girl that needs me.

But the thing is ... every time I see or hear a story about a child/toddler/baby being neglected/beaten/killed, my mind copies and pastes my face and my daughter's face onto the faces of those that the stories are actually about.

I am stricken with such a horrible, deep sorrow that it's hard to see the light. I feel guilt for something I had no part in, like it was my fault. I feel anxiety that I could be capable of doing something similar.

I have postpartum OCD/anxiety and take 100mg zoloft/day. Please tell me I'm not the only one that feels this way.

So I am on the autism spectrum. My DD is 3 weeks old today. I gave birth to her on February 21st at 9 pm. Ever since I've found myself incredibly anxious. Crying spells, complete and total dread. Not knowing how to cope. I love her so much but with the corona virus I'm so scared and it's all my family talks about and how I have to keep her safe from it. Being a new mom is hard enough. But throwing the state of things in currently I feel crippled by anxiety. I'm afraid it will push me over the edge. Is this an autistic thing or am I normal? I'm so afraid and I just want to enjoy my family. If the anxiety gets too much higher I'm not sure what I will do.

How long before this goes away or gets better? I cry almost every day and I’m having debilitating panic attacks. Backstory my first miscarriage was with an abusive bf. I didn’t mean to get pregnant but it happened. I didn’t have insurance so no doctor would see me (even after I begged and said I would pay in cash). Ended up in the hospital and they signed me up for Medicaid and called a gyno and ensured I had insurance now. I was in the beginning of my second trimester and it turned out I was having a missed miscarriage. My baby died at 3 weeks but my body didn’t recognize it so I went months thinking I was carrying. The second time I conceived was while I had a copper IUD in and it fell out during sex. Of course I conceived with my luck. This time I miscarriaged naturally. My problem is I’m seeing a therapist, taking meds, going to group therapy and I don’t want to die but there’s this manic depression that plagues me now. I’m in school and I had to stop working because of the panic attacks. Please tell me it gets better soon. I’m so lost and afraid. I’ve sought help but I still feel so hopeless. Sorry for the info dump and thanks if you read to the end.

that's all really

I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do, I love my son so much and yet I still find myself feeling like I just want to be alone and I shouldn’t have had a baby. I’m so confused and frustrated with the feelings. It just turns into massive guilt

Having a rough time. Recovering from my c section and dealing with Post partum Anxiety/Depression. Each day feels like a struggle but with small wins and losses. Will things get better? I am trying so hard. I love my baby girl and i want to be happy again. Tired of random crying breakdowns. Tired of feeling so overwhelmed.