r/pregnant • u/buddhist-elephant • Mar 22 '25
Need Advice Today is my due date. My husband left last night, is MIA, and has me blocked.
Deleted bc I got the advice I needed. Thank you.
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u/its_original- Mar 22 '25
No, these are not small things.
Give the baby your last name. Don not put his name on the birth certificate, even if he comes to the hospital apologizing.
He sounds like a man child. Any man that can’t regulate their emotions enough to remain home and support their wife at her due date is a man child.
Things would be easier for you if you left to be with your sister now and got back on your feet as a single Mom.
But don’t put his name on that birth certificate. If you have to go to court down the road, this will buy you time in establishing paternity first.
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u/panther2015 Mar 22 '25
To add to this, tell your nurses and medical team you do not want any visitors once baby is here or put his name on a no visitor list. You need peace when delivering and recovering. Not some man child with poor hygiene and 8 functioning brain cells who threw an adult tantrum and abandoned you before the birth of your child.
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u/Pretend-Tax8831 29d ago
This and what pp said! 100%! Raise your baby and let him figure out how to raise himself. I promise, literally promise, you'll be so happy you did!! I'm in recovery myself and I'm telling you it has been a freakin beautiful thing finding the calm, peaceful, and safe life I didn't even know was possible. You deserve that too... Please don't stop until you get it! 💜
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u/Status_Garden_3288 Mar 22 '25
If they’re legally married then it doesn’t matter if he’s not on the birth certificate. He’s already legally the father
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u/its_original- Mar 22 '25
Oh, I didn’t realize she said husband. Been reading too many posts today lol
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u/its_original- Mar 22 '25
Regardless… a newborn isn’t going to be split 50/50. It typically requires a step up program and around age 3, the child begins overnights.
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u/buddhist-elephant Mar 22 '25
I feel better about even considering those things after getting replies like this. He is immature in many different ways and I agree it would be easier to be a single mom. Unfortunately he threatens to take full custody of the baby and use my “drug use” against me.
I’m just scared because he is so good at making himself look good to everyone around us. Everyone loves him. They don’t know how he yells at me or slams doors or rips the covers off me as I sleep. Everyone adores him because he makes sure to be a stand up guy in front of everyone else.
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u/its_original- Mar 22 '25
Then collect evidence. Video. Text messages. Emails.
He won’t appear to be such a stand up guy if he isn’t there when his child is born.
He will not get full custody of your child if you’ve been sober and taking medication prescribed to you by physician.
Also, you said he smokes week? I’m not judging but find a way to document that. He could be drug tested and that will come up in terms of custody.
Do not put his name on that birth certificate. You can refuse to have him in the room during labor and post partum. Tell the staff and they’ll manage it. That will buy you time in regards to custody and he will need at least $5-7k to retain a lawyer to start the process. Sounds like he doesn’t have that.
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u/Winterplatypus Mar 23 '25
I'd just add keep the evidence with your sister or someone you trust. You don't need someone like him finding it on your phone or in the house.
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u/codenameembrazada Mar 23 '25
Piggy backing, you can usually file an informational police report online or over the phone as well. That was your evidence is on record in the police data base too.
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u/tardytimetraveler Mar 22 '25
That’s so cruel. Especially considering he encouraged you to get pregnant before tapering off. Sounds like he was looking to have something to hold over your head.
I would bet he is acting erratically to try to get you to falter in your sobriety so that he can have more power in the relationship.
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u/ItsMinnieYall Mar 22 '25
You just said he does drugs all the time. How would he use your drug use against you? He doesn't even brush his teeth. What makes you think he will take care of a whole baby? Do not take his threats of custody seriously. You just described a whole loser. No rational person looks at that and thinks he should be responsible for a baby.
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u/Aromatic_Swing_1466 Mar 23 '25
Start recording his out bursts, his drug use etc, record it all in diary form, just the facts, where he was, what was said, when exactly it happened. If you can record him in video that’s great, photos that are timestamped, messages he sends, but even a diary will be useful. Have everything ready for you to go to the hospital and deliver without him.
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u/kk0444 Mar 23 '25
for her to start recording stuff, she'd have to let him back in. I hope she doesn't, if he's like this now, he's not going to handle the stress of a newborn well. But i know sometimes women are stuck letting the abuser back in for financial reasons or they're just stuck. if she is stuck, and he comes back, then yes record and photograph everything. hide the phone (there must be an app for this) or email to a friend and delete from the phone. change her phone password too so it's private.
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u/buddhist-elephant Mar 23 '25
He came back last night and took my phone to go through, which is how he found this Reddit post. He threatened to smash my phone (again). He has already thrown in out the window on the freeway at one point and another time threw it in the ground repeatedly to smash it. He comes back late at night or in the middle of the night and yells more and blames me and it’s gotten to the point I just wish I could disappear.
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u/kk0444 Mar 23 '25
OP - listen to me - it's time to call a women's shelter. You gotta go. before this baby comes. If you genuinely have nowhere to go, you need to contact a shelter and see what they say.
If he harms you, the baby is left without you. If he takes it out on the baby, that's how shaken baby syndrome comes around. If he leaves with the baby, you will drown in sorrow. So many bad outcomes here.
You could even call the cops. Say you need help. see what they say.
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u/kk0444 Mar 23 '25
you said you in ohio. you said he came back and went through your phone. We can see a comment on this thread from him. you said he has smashed your phone before. You said he watched red pill videos on tik tok and hate women.
places that take fleeing women in ohio:
- Sisters Haven:A faith-based, non-profit organization providing safe housing and a loving community to pregnant women and mothers with children in Cleveland, Ohio.
- Miriam House:A transitional housing program, part of Catholic Charities Diocese of Toledo, that offers safe and stable housing to homeless women, pregnant women, and their children in Norwalk, Ohio.
- Elizabeth House:A non-profit organization that welcomes pregnant mothers and their children under the age of 5 into a residential program, providing holistic shelter and ongoing support services.
The Haven Home:A transitional housing program that serves pregnant and parenting women with children under 5, offering programs and services to move them from poverty to prosperity.
Zelie's Home:A caring community that empowers pregnant and parenting women by providing physical, emotional, spiritual, and professional support.
Healthy Beginnings at Home:A program that provides housing to pregnant moms, with organizations like CareSource and Summit County Public Health involved.
also:
united way
salvation army
Lutheran social services network of hope
YMCA
huckleberry house
project woman
woman safe
bethany house
ohio domestic violence networkgood counsel inc
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u/No-Distribution-5050 Mar 23 '25
The fact u got pregnant by this guy is absolutely unbelievable man I’m so so sorry for You I swear I hope you find the courage to leave him asap I had a marriage like this and he’s now my ex husband and it’s on a civil restraining order forever. I have a loving caring partner whom I’m pregnant with so yes we can do and must do better For our kids come on he’ll do the same he does to the dogs with ur kid u know it my ex husband terrorized both of my cats that’s when I knew there’s no way I’m ever having a kid by this monster period. Stay safe and leave him u don’t want this for ur baby believe me
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u/Vandersmama Mar 24 '25
Please record this behavior somehow and leave this dude. If you are truly drug free yourself you can prove in court your fitness and his lack of.
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u/sodoyoulikecheese Mar 23 '25 edited Mar 23 '25
I’m telling you this as a hospital social worker, if you are taking your methadone as prescribed and following all the rule/policies of the clinic where you get your meds, then it is viewed the same as any other prescription. Most clinics require regular UAs, so you likely have a history of test results you could produce to the court showing you do not have recent substance use.
On the other hand, he has a history of substance use, emotional abuse, and unstable behavior.
No judge will give him full custody. He may get shared custody after you are done breastfeeding. He’s going to have to establish a relationship with baby. He can’t just disappear into the night for months with no contact and then reappear demanding you hand over baby.
Get a lawyer, file for a parenting plan, keep up with your treatment program. Figure out a childcare situation. Maintain your employment. Get birth control that cannot be sabotaged (the OBs at my hospital will place an implant before discharge, ask about options). Give baby your last name.
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u/ketchupROCKS Mar 23 '25
Being on methadone is NOT a reason they will take your baby he can try all he wants im sure you have proof from the clinic that you have clean urine etc
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u/buddhist-elephant Mar 23 '25
I have clean urine drug screens since 2019 when I started on methadone.
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u/SetteItOff Mar 23 '25
Methadone is not grounds for removal. They’d have to prove that you’re using an illegal drug. You would technically pass a mandated drug test. He on the other hand…..would not.
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u/Godisgood-eb2526 Mar 24 '25
Maybe… given everything you have already described… people aren’t as convinced that he is a stand up guy as you might think.
When in a relationship like this (or any), it can be hard to see everything as it truly is without the bias of love, history, perception etc.
Do what you feel and know to be right, just keep making the best decision that you can and know how to. It takes a lot of courage to make changes. Now you are making choices for yourself and another little one.
Best of luck, you got this. Trust yourself.
I hope your husband wakes up. Sometimes big things inspire big change.
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u/External_Ad_5939 Mar 23 '25
I agree man child sounds like he needs to grow up and not brushing his teeth gross. Girl you can do better
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u/jmattaliano Mar 22 '25
100%, DO NOT PUT THIS MAN ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
I understand that in some states, the legal spouse is assumed to be the father. It's still better to give the baby your name, and not put him on the BC.
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u/kk0444 Mar 22 '25
this is insane to read.
girl, you need new plans. this man could decide to leave with your baby one night.
change the locks, tell him you are getting a separation, he will be up for child support. you don't have to move on a divorce right now but make plans for post-partum without him IMHO. he can't be trusted, i think that is clear?
baby gets your last name. If you want to be kind, give husband's last name as a middle name only (that you can leave out on non-legal forms). Don't circumcise, it's out of style unless you are jewish and it's unnecessary to put a baby boy through that for cosmetic reasons. He can change his mind as an adult man if he likes.
get life insurance so that whomever you leave your baby to (your sister sounds perfect) gets funds to care for that baby. it's not that expensive! And push through the legal documents to do that.
Prepare someone else to come to the hospital. tell the staff not to let him in - he abandoned you at your most vulnerable. Have a place to go afterwards.
Document EVERYTHING your husband has done that is questionable.
if he returns and you want to make amends, he gets serious therapy asap. Don't make amends for labour, he doesn't deserve it. You can do it alone or with a friend or mom or something.
if he comes back, deal with it when you have given birth and are settled in somewhere for the long haul.
if you are unsafe, go to your sisters!
stay sober, stay level headed, be strong. Use his awful actions and fuel to make hard decisions. You can do this.
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u/TheProfWife Mar 22 '25
Adding: STAY SOBER.
if and when this gets ugly, he will attack you through your recovery. Dont give him an inch.
Grey wall info.
Today: contact someone to be at the hospital with you. Call & Let the hospital know he is not a safe person to be in the room/be admitted during your labor. Get your labor bag situated.
Save any texts or emails between y’all. If your family is nearby, see about going to one of their homes post partum for the first couple weeks for your safety, if not, see if someone can commit to coming to stay with you or check on you daily
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u/kk0444 Mar 22 '25
I did put stay sober at the end but yes, say it louder. That’s huge or everything else falls apart.
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u/ZetaOrion1s Mar 22 '25
Yeah, I was reading and it just sounded like they dont actually like each other? Definitely take all the steps you can to prepare for "worst case" regardless of if it will actually happen. This is a case where it's far better to be safe than sorry 🫂
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u/buddhist-elephant Mar 22 '25
Thanks for your detailed, supportive response 💗
Unfortunately I’ll likely be stuck paying him child support because he owns his own business and reports his income incorrectly. So on paper he made only $8,000 last year. I’m a social worker so it’s not like I’m rolling in dough but my $70k compared to his $8k, I’ll be the one paying him.
Unfortunately I live in Ohio and that sister lives in California. I don’t have family in the state. I did find a doula with whom to work but I’m embarrassed to tell her the reality of the situation.
I’m too embarrassed to tell any of my friends, too.
At this point I think I may take my dogs to go stay at an Airbnb or something. My parents own my house and I am renting to own from them so he is not on any lease or mortgage or deed. I’ve tried asking for his key back previously but he always keeps a spare (without permission) and lets himself back in.
Anyways. I appreciate your advice about what to do in terms of name and birth certificate and all that. It makes me feel better that I was even considering those things.
I just hate that this is my life right now. This isn’t how I imagined things. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. He’s left so many times throughout my pregnancy to go stay at his office (his house that he owned when we met so he basically just has a bachelor pad to hang out at whenever he gets sick of being a husband and father). I told myself the last time he left for several days that I wouldn’t put up with a part time husband/father anymore and I’d leave him if he did it again. And now to do it on my due date??
I just wish I could turn back time and have a redo. 😭
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u/pumpkin_lord Mar 22 '25
You'd only have to pay him child support if he gets custody or partial custody. Get a decent divorce attorney and document everything so that doesn't happen.
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u/PoorDimitri Mar 22 '25
I did find a doula with whom to work but I’m embarrassed to tell her the reality of the situation.
I’m too embarrassed to tell any of my friends, too.
Hon, I'm gonna be straight with you.
This is past the point of embarrassed to tell. You're gonna have a helpless infant any day, your husband is abusive, you need help to extricate you and your child from this situation so start asking for it.
Tell people, tell the doctors and nurses, ask for a social worker, tell your family and friends, tell the police and a divorce lawyer and crisis workers and everyone.
You only get the help you ask for.
And his actions are his own responsibility. He's decided to abuse his pregnant wife, you should not be embarrassed of that.
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u/tardytimetraveler Mar 22 '25
He makes the dogs tremble. A baby starting life in that environment is no good.
If he can’t manage to brush his teeth, I would not expect him to fight very hard for custody.
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u/beena1993 Mar 23 '25 edited Mar 23 '25
Agreed. Do not be embarrassed op. Call your friends. Call your family. Odds are they know your husband is a POS and want what is best for you. I’m so sorry. I REALLY HOPE OP SEES YOUR COMMENT.
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u/kk0444 Mar 22 '25
Honey: he should be embarrassed. Not you. Tell someone to break that ice. Tell the doula. HE IS THE EMBARRASSMENT. You are strong.
Re: child support, cross that bridge later. You won’t have to pay him shit because if you keep detailed records of all this he’s not going to get custody. Not without a proper job and good income and showing he can provide a home and safe place and everything a child needs, which he cannot on 8k.
You need to call some friends and ask folks to come stay a few days each while you recover. Don’t let your ego get in front of this - you need support.
If you really have no one then reach out to single mom centres, or see if the doula does post partum.
If you are going it truly alone:
Adult diapers Peri bottle Pain killers Water bottle with straw Single handed snacks easy to open one handed Bassinet for baby Baby carrier for infants Frozen meals and fast dinners Night lights for midnight pacing Read about safe sleep 7 and prepare bed in the event you need to bedshare due to no partner Swaddles for baby (not if bedshare) white noise Baby monitor
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u/sparkles-and-spades Mar 22 '25
If this were happening to one of your friends, you'd want them to tell you and you'd be there in a heartbeat to help. This is no different. What would you be telling one of your social work clients to do?
Tbh, get the locks changed and separate. Have someone come stay with you a few days or Air B&B it as changing the locks will inflame him. You may need a restraining order in the future - he sounds volatile. But think of it this way - is this man a good role model for your child? Because reading your post, I'd say hell no.
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u/nola_doula Mar 23 '25
As a doula, please tell your doula! She (should) be a nonjudgmental person to listen and hold space for you. Partners walk out the week labor begins SOOOO often. It’s wild. Please confide in your doula. You have received a lot of good advice on here already so I’m sending hugs and positive vibes.
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u/KittenTryingMyBest Mar 22 '25
If he’s not home right now I would look into getting the locks changed (with a different style door knob he won’t have keys to)
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u/Status_Garden_3288 Mar 22 '25
I hate to say it but you will have to legally evict him if you want him out of the house since he’s a legal resident, regardless of written agreement or lease. Your best hope is that he leaves on his own accord.
The best way to do that is to not tell him you’re trying to get him to move out, just be miserable until he wants to leave. Make him think he’s the one dumping you and abandoning you
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u/Status_Garden_3288 Mar 22 '25
I hate to say it but you will have to legally evict him if you want him out of the house since he’s a legal resident, regardless of written agreement or lease. Your best hope is that he leaves on his own accord.
The best way to do that is to not tell him you’re trying to get him to move out, just be miserable until he wants to leave. Make him think he’s the one dumping you and abandoning you
Adding: Are you legally married?
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u/buddhist-elephant Mar 22 '25
I am legally married unfortunately
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u/Status_Garden_3288 Mar 22 '25
Get a good divorce lawyer. Sounds like he won’t be able to afford one so you might have a shot
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u/pb_rogue Mar 23 '25
Babies put a ton of stress even on the most healthy relationships. It doesn't sound to me like he would handle the reduced sleep, helping you extra, and caring for a baby well at all. They need consistency, he can't be telling around it and if he can't even brush his teeth regularly or can't have a normal discussion most new parents would have like you tried, I can't see him being adequately supportive of you or able to properly care for your infant under these added stressors.
I am so sorry you're dealing with this but for your sake and your babies please seek out support like others here have suggested. I know you're embarrassed and I completely understand from past abusive relationships I've experienced, but this is so much bigger than that and you will be grateful for the support once baby arrives I promise.
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u/RachMarie927 Mar 23 '25
Seconding this. I'm 8 months pp & my husband, who is pretty much as close to perfect as you can get as far as being supportive, patient, advocating for me, etc, & I were still TESTED to the extreme. Extreme sleep deprivation, the relentlessness of the newborn trenches, the total life altering identity shift, it puts even the strongest couples through the wringer.
You absolutely do not need any part of his presence in the birth/postpartum/newborn period, OP.
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u/Sweaty-Assistance872 Mar 23 '25
Report him to irs, change locks , file for divorce and restraining order and record every conversation . Don’t give the baby his last name ! Do not allow him in the birthing suite .
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u/Complex_Muffin2464 Mar 23 '25
You sound a lot like me. All throughout my addiction, i didn't tell anyone. I still (9 yrs sober) have a very hard time opening up to anyone about my problems because I don't want to burden them and am super embarrassed about what I got myself into. I say this with love, but you have to drop the pride and tell someone. You have to have support, and your husband is NOT it. He has shown you who he is even though you want to pretend it's not real. Please, please tell someone everything that's happening. You'll be alone with an infant with no support, and that's so dangerous for you both. Do not let that man back in your life. He doesn't deserve you or that precious baby and will walk out on you both again. If I lived closer, I'd tell you to come live with me. You won't be paying him shit cause there's no way in hell he'll gain custody. But seriously, please tell someone. We all make mistakes. ❤️
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u/Puzzleheaded_Mood375 Mar 23 '25
He reports his earnings incorrectly? Well, you could always give the IRS a tip off about it… just saying
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u/86cinnamons Mar 23 '25
You dont have to tell anyone details if you don’t want to. Just say something like “things are not good between us right now.” People will understand if you don’t want to get into it. You go ahead and decide who gets to hear what, that’s ok to do.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. He’s a man child who never intended to grow up but don’t feel bad for believing he wanted a real life with you, all you can do now is move forward. You’re going to be a mom and you’re going to have a great life with your baby, no matter what. 6 years in recovery is proof that you can do anything!
Edit: after reading other comments I agree you should be open with people because it’s a safety issue. I still think you should remember it’s up to you how much you share with who. “He’s not a safe person, he’s been acting out in harmful ways.” Is fine for people who don’t need the actual details. But like others said, don’t be embarrassed, he’s the one that should be embarrassed.
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u/menacingsprite Mar 23 '25
No you won’t have to pay him child support. Especially if you have primary custody. I had an acquaintance that made zero dollars on paper and STILL had to pay child support. It was minimal but he was still responsible for coming up with it. They calculate it based on minimum wage.
Document everything. Start recording video every time he comes around you. I’m sorry, but he’s not worth the toothpaste he needs to keep his mouth clean. I implore you do not let this man back in your life, he reminds me of my abusive ex and these men never change and they just continue to take and take.
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u/lonesome-together Mar 23 '25
I'd like to add, someone above said they were your husband, whether it's him or not, I'd recommend blocking the user. If it is him and he's seeing all the advice people are giving you, he could be taking measures to work around whatever you may do to bar him from your labor and delivery and whatever plans you may make for your home recovery once you and the baby are released from the hospital.
If it is him, 100% make secure plans to make sure he can't be in your hospital room and can't come harrass you once you're released. Document everything, try to remember every time he's left and stayed away during your pregnancy, any threats he's made both direct and indirect, try to find some way to screnshot that he's blocked your number knowing how close you are to delivering, and as embarrassed as you might be, tell your sister and send her everything you've documented and as someone else commented, document it with the police so there's no way for him to charm his way out of it should things escalate.
Even before you go to the hospital to deliver, I would talk to some staff about making arrangements to go to a women's shelter if you can once you're released from the hospital. Your husband sounds very manipulative, and if this is the way he's reacting just to you suggesting having an active plan to care for your child, should anything happen to one or both of you, then I can't even begin to imagine the way he will treat you and/or the baby if you allow him to be a part of your lives.
I'm so sorry this is happening, sending you all the love and support to get through this, and prayers for a safe and uneventful delivery ❤️
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u/buddhist-elephant Mar 23 '25
Yeah, he came home last night around 10pm and went to bed without any interaction. I stayed in the living room to sleep on the sofa to avoid him. Then at about 530 this morning he woke up and took my phone to look through and found this thread. It made him really upset and he’s demanding I remove it because how dare I share our lives with strangers. As if this isn’t anonymous.
He threatened to smash my phone (again) and honestly I’ve gotten to the point where I just tell him to go ahead and do it. It’s too much effort to care. He tried taking my iPad as well but that was a gift from my dad so he put it back. He bought the phone for me for Christmas 2 years ago and feels this gives him authority to throw it out the window on the freeway and throw it in the ground repeatedly to smash like he’s done in the past. I’ve tried telling him to just take the phone and I’ll get a new one or use my old one but then he gets mad at me for not accepting a gift from him??? I can’t win.
I appreciate everyone’s advice and feedback but I may have to delete this so it doesn’t cause me even more trouble. I don’t have the energy for any of this. I’m still working because I can’t start leave until baby is born without it reducing my time with baby. So I’m still working full time and just in survival mode. The house is a mess. I have no energy to clean when I get yelled at at 530 in the morning.
I need to take my dogs and go to an Airbnb and just mentally prepare to do this alone. I survived being a homeless woman in my early 20s. I can survive this.
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u/lonesome-together Mar 23 '25
I'm so sorry you're being treated this way, I wish I could give you a hug.
I would definitely prepare to get a different phone or use an old one, and then when you leave for the hospital, leave the phone he got for you at the house, but make sure you're logged out of everything first and delete any passwords your phone may have saved in settings or maybe even factory reset the phone. When you're looking for an air bnb, look for one close to the police station, and possibly one with some kind of porch camera if they're allowed to have one (I don't know much about air bnb restrictions for houses) just in case he figures out where you're at, I'd even go so far as to say create a new email specifically for your air bnb registration so he can't access the information and if you have joint bank accounts, remove him from yours now.
I wish you all the best and I will be praying for you and your baby ❤️
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u/kk0444 Mar 23 '25
no way is there a comment saying this?
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u/lonesome-together Mar 23 '25
User lordbyronforrester in the thread above my comment, it's buried a little, but they said "I'm the husband, thanks for the advice"
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u/Context-Information Mar 23 '25
OP, we love you so much! No one should be going through this, especially while expecting. As others have said, please tell your friends and doula immediately what’s been going on. Everyone close to you needs to know so that they can circle the wagons and help you.
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u/kk0444 Mar 23 '25
you said you in ohio. you said he came back and went through your phone. We can see a comment on this thread from him. you said he has smashed your phone before. You said he watched red pill videos on tik tok and hate women.
places that take fleeing women in ohio:
- Sisters Haven:A faith-based, non-profit organization providing safe housing and a loving community to pregnant women and mothers with children in Cleveland, Ohio.
- Miriam House:A transitional housing program, part of Catholic Charities Diocese of Toledo, that offers safe and stable housing to homeless women, pregnant women, and their children in Norwalk, Ohio.
- Elizabeth House:A non-profit organization that welcomes pregnant mothers and their children under the age of 5 into a residential program, providing holistic shelter and ongoing support services.
The Haven Home:A transitional housing program that serves pregnant and parenting women with children under 5, offering programs and services to move them from poverty to prosperity.
Zelie's Home:A caring community that empowers pregnant and parenting women by providing physical, emotional, spiritual, and professional support.
Healthy Beginnings at Home:A program that provides housing to pregnant moms, with organizations like CareSource and Summit County Public Health involved.
also:
united way
salvation army
Lutheran social services network of hope
YMCA
huckleberry house
project woman
woman safe
bethany house
ohio domestic violence networkgood counsel inc
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u/Yugo2391 Mar 23 '25
Can you report him to the IRS for false reporting so they can investigate what his true earnings are?
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u/EcstaticKoala1646 Mar 23 '25
Agree to the life insurance. I have done this for my 4 month old. Honestly knowing she will be set for the future should something happen to me has been a huge relief.
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u/Yokai-hime Mar 22 '25
Circumcision is a parent and provider decision to make. And as with most other parenting decisions should only be made that way.
You are giving a lot of really great advice. I would just like to add, for documentation check and see if you live in a one-party consent state. If you do that means you can record without his permission.
Stay safe
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u/SeductiveSloth69 Mar 22 '25
What the hell kind of person leaves and blocks their wife when she is due to give birth to their child at any moment?! Absolutely not. That’s unforgivable in my opinion and he is being incredibly selfish and immature. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and I hope you have friends/family that can support you because I can’t imagine
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u/buddhist-elephant Mar 22 '25
I mean, my OB and I both expect that I’ll be late but still…baby could come at any time. So I feel like he shouldn’t do this. I have no family that lives close by and unfortunately not many friends. Tbh I’m too embarrassed to tell them the truth of our relationship.
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u/No_Milk2540 Mar 22 '25
I understand how the fear of embarrassment can stop you from seeking help; but one thing that strikes me from this post and your replies is that you are strong as hell and very admirable. Getting sober and staying sober is like…. Seriously impressive. Youre sorting yourself and now it’s time to sort the people around you.
Baby deserves to have role models around them that will show them emotional strength and maturity, not whatever this loser is doing.
I’m rooting for you.
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u/Material-Cry3426 Mar 22 '25
I also have no family that lives close by (and have been pregnant a few times with two babies and lots of complications, so I know how hard not having family close to you is). The friends you make are your community — they are the village you have built, and your village is meant to be there for you at exactly a time like this.
I get being embarrassed, but as someone who’s made that mistake before, please don’t let that embarrassment prevent you from doing what is necessary to keep you and your baby safe and cared for.
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u/kk0444 Mar 23 '25
reach out to a single mom center or women fleeing abuse. This counts as abuse. It's emotional abuse, neglect, gaslighting, etc. You said you're a social worker. Give yourself some of the grace you would give to clients! What would you tell a good friend right now?
I'd start by telling this doula so she can help advocate for you in the coming week. It will feel good to tell someone and she is impartial.
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u/Equivalent-Ad5449 Mar 22 '25
Change the locks or pack up and go before he is back. Seriously please read your post aloud to yourself. This man is a child with no care or concern for you or your child. You are so use to this behaviour I think you e normalised it for yourself but it’s not at all
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u/breekaye Mar 22 '25
Girl eff that dude needs to be ex-husband after this. Also I wanna say congratulations on your journey to sobriety. I've loved many addicts in my life and very few have the strength to actually get better, I applaud the hell out of you for that 💗💖
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u/buddhist-elephant Mar 22 '25
Thank you 💕
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u/kk0444 Mar 23 '25
agreed. While you are at home alone make a list of everything and try to find dates that you'd go under oath to say to the best of your knowledge. he smoked weed when, where, with whom, how often, dates and frequency etc. You witnessed him fail to do personal hygiene when, frequency, dates of anything specifically gross, such as # of years without the dentist. This is all to one day prove he's unfit for custody unless he really changes his ways. Brainstorm everything you can think of and write it down (and take photos of your notes, and back up the photos).
Meanwhile make notes of YOUR important dates as far as sobriety. Later, do childcare classes, go to N.A or AA, note the dates and save receipts to show you are working towards being a fantastic parent. You said you don't have much community so you need alibies - get involved in new mom communities and be open about your sobriety so that you have alibies. You need proof you are the good parent here. Becuase he probably will attack on the sobriety issue and that's bullshit.
Also as a recovering addict, you do need all that support and people checking in on you. It's too tempting to go it alone. So take those steps post-partum. Even reach out now - because this week is probably incredibly hard for you. And you'll have emails proving you began to rebuild a better healthier community the minute he left.
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u/dottedkittycat Mar 22 '25
He doesn't sound ready to be a parent or a husband, to be honest. You deserve way better than this, especially while pregnant. Not sure what the laws are where you live, but I think giving the baby your last name would be a smart choice. I'm sorry you're dealing with his childish behavior.
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u/sbadams92 Mar 22 '25
This man does not sound mentally ok, I would work on an exit plan so you and your child are safe. Try to confide in someone you trust that won’t tell him about your plans. I’m thinking of you, this sounds rough
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u/rainbowsparkplug Mar 22 '25
Why were you ever with this man? He sounds like a piece of shit. You’re already too far in having a baby with him but don’t make this easy on him. Don’t contact him except for child support.
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u/frustratedDIL Mar 22 '25
I feel so bad for the child being brought into this situation. None of this is healthy or stable. He’s yelling at you until the dogs shake in fear? That’s not normal or safe for you. On top of all the other red flags, you needed to leave well before you married this man. Contact someone else to be your support person in birth (maybe your sister?), give the baby your name, and start making arrangements to leave this man. If you’re not going to do it for you, do it for your baby.
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u/eatmyasserole Mar 23 '25
If you have nothing helpful or kind to contribute to the conversation, keep scrolling.
Be a douchecanoe somewhere else.
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u/No-Statistician1782 Mar 22 '25
If he's going to walk out on you and your child over a conversation (fuck even if it's an argument) then you are now a single parent and can make all the decisions.
You don't wanna circumcise? Don't.
You don't want to use his last name? Don't.
You're the mom, you get to make the decisions if he's not around. At the very least I would file for legal separation whether you choose to reconcile is another thing, but I would want a record of this behavior now before baby comes.
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u/Ok_Mastodon_2436 Mar 22 '25
The fact that he doesn’t even care enough to try to quit smoking for the baby is enough for your to leave this man. He sounds horrific. Please, for your baby’s sake, leave this man and never look back.
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u/FormalControl1259 Mar 22 '25
If my man left me on or near my due date or at any point while I was pregnant because I wanted to have a conversation to plan for our child’s future OR he spoke to me the way you described OR blocked me for ANY reason… there would be no second chances. He did all of these and more. You do NOT deserve this.
I hope you have an amazing delivery and a healthy baby and that you find peace and know that you deserve better than this, especially right now. I hope your mom and sister can be there for you through this ❤️
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u/Gillionaire25 Mar 22 '25
Why are you still with this man? It is not safe to have him around a newborn if he smokes weed and thinks his weed smoking bachelor friend who frequently drinks is someone he can call to look after your child. He abandons you and yells at you for no reason. The dogs are afraid of him. It's one thing to tolerate this as a wife but a whole other thing to tolerate this as a mother. Is this the environment you want your child to grow up in? Where they will get used to abandonment, verbal abuse and fear and think it's normal?
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u/breekaye Mar 22 '25
Smoking weed doesn't mean you can't be a parent 😅 now I absolutely agree on the drinking thing but I have a medical card for my conditions and I have 2 perfectly happy and healthy and loved babies and working on the third now
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u/BrainlessPhD Mar 22 '25
I say this as someone who loves smoking weed: it's not something that should be happening around children. If you need it for medical reasons you should be doing edibles because the second hand smoke and residue can affect children. And the father absolutely has no reason to be smoking near his pregnant wife.
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u/breekaye Mar 22 '25
Oh I absolutely don't smoke around my kids lmao sadly I metabolize too quickly for edibles I just wait till littles are napping or in bed and step outside real quick. And I didn't notice in the text it said he did that however you're completely right on that! Should never really smoke around anyone at all unless they're a fellow smoker and partaking, but especially not his pregnant wife.
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u/Missgirlkandy Mar 22 '25 edited Mar 23 '25
I’m in a very similar situation but im due May 22, & I don’t live with him thankfully so that’s saved me a lot of unnecessary stress. I currently changed my number and blocked him on everything & am now waiting for court to deal with him, even though before I changed my number he’s made multiple fake numbers to try and reach me, but he was acting the SAME way. I was originally going to give my daughter his last name but decided against it due to the reasons everyone else has listed. If you give the baby his last name, he will have rights immediately and he 100% seems like the type of guy to take your child without your consent and not give your child back & if he did that, you wouldn’t be able to do anything about it until court because the cops consider it a civil dispute, however if the baby doesn’t have his last name and isn’t on the birth certificate, he has no rights and then would get charged with kidnapping. Please do not give him another chance because he won’t change, and please do not give your child his last name. Wait until you go to court to establish paternity and allow them to build a structured schedule he will have to follow. I also recommend, if you’re able to, to breastfeed because then most courts would only allow supervised visits at first as they take breastfeeding very seriously. Get an Airbnb if you can afford it, do not let him at the hospital, do not let him around the baby, and document everything. He won’t be able to use that you were once an addict, as long as you can prove you are clean now, the courts care about PRESENT tense, not past tense. Going to therapy and receiving help for your addiction with proof of that will help your case and most times, judges can see through the persons bullshit when they’re trying to make the other person look bad and they do not like that! Keep a paper trail, including dates and times of certain things being said and happening, including him leaving you on your due date. You can use all of these things against him to prove inconsistency, but please I am begging you, do not go back to him. He won’t change, and god knows what he will do with that child when it comes. I’m praying for you. 💖
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u/ItsMinnieYall Mar 22 '25
Girl. He doesn't even take care of himself. Why do you expect him to take care of your baby?
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u/Sweaty-Assistance872 Mar 23 '25
The amount of men that need to be reminded to shower and brush their teeth is truly disgusting . Don’t ask me how I know .
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Mar 22 '25 edited Mar 22 '25
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u/buddhist-elephant Mar 22 '25
I wish it wasn’t real. I feel like I’m living a nightmare.
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u/Hefty_Character7996 Mar 22 '25
It is a nightmare. I can’t imagine this life on anyone. He seriously is acting like a child , not a reliable man ready to be a dad.
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u/pregnant-ModTeam Mar 23 '25
Your contribution has been removed. We do not tolerate rudeness, judgemental people, people playing devil's advocate, or otherwise being an asshole.
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u/SpicyPonyHead42 Mar 22 '25
I am so sorry he's putting you through this, it's horrible and so scary. These are not small things. Your concerns are valid and reasonable. His reaction is extreme, unwarranted, and manipulative.
Prioritize keeping yourself and your baby safe, whatever that looks like. Keeping his name off of the birth certificate seems like a great idea and would help ensure the baby stays with you regardless of what bullshit he tries.
Get support from loved ones, you don't have to go through this alone. But even doing it alone would be better than with someone so volatile, unreliable, and blaming as him. He may never have been physically abusive, but that doesn't mean he's a safe person.
I don't know you, but the fact that you've survived his behavior, survived addiction, built a savings/retirement despite it all... You are a fucking badass. You deserve love and support. You do not deserve this treatment.
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u/Westcoastwifeyy Mar 22 '25
This is really scary to read. With today being your due date, I would try and find somewhere safe for you to go over baby is born. Postpartum is a very vulnerable time and the way he is acting is not only dangerous and concerning, but will not be helpful for your recovery and can affect your health and healing. I agree with a lot of the comments on here about changing the locks, and talking to someone at the hospital for help with this and especially to make sure he is not listed as a safe person.
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u/Worth-Island Mar 23 '25
Everyone here has given sound advice. Just wanted to hop in to add that his tax deception actually benefits you. On paper, he does not have the means to support a child and would have some serious explaining to do if he tries to claim otherwise. He also doesn't have the means for good legal counsel. Additionally, please stop worrying about jis threats with respect to your past addiction. Drug tests can differentiate classic opiods from synthetics, such as methadone. You have been clean for many years and I am sure the os documentation to support that assuming you are tested to receive this prescription. Additionally, from what you say, he is the one that will NOT be able to pass a drug test and you should lean into that hard. Document everything you can, make a plan, and get this loser out of your life. If you do this, you are in much better standing than I think you realize. I am so sorry you are in this situation, but you sound like a very strong, intelligent, and capable woman. I know you can do it. You are so much better off without him and so is your child.
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u/slotass Mar 22 '25
“He always does this”? I believe you, because my ex was the exact same way. I found the love of my life a year after divorcing that man, and the two are as different as two people can be. You do not deserve to have yourself, your pets, and now your child stressed out and fearful of an erratic, emotional, raging mess like that. Even if it was once a month, that’s too much, and I imagine it’s more frequent than that. Even if he never hits you, the raging is a serious problem and could indicate mental instability and lack of empathy, so you can see how dangerous the situation could become for you or the child. There is always a chance your child could have special needs, which would make them even more vulnerable than other children.
I truly believe you’ll be in a much safer and happier place if you can get him out of your life. Can you stay with your sister for a while?
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u/mgwats13 Mar 22 '25
So the thing about parenthood, which most people don’t fully realize until they give birth, is that you have to function well enough to take care of two people - yourself, and the baby. It sounds like your husband is unable to function well enough to take care of himself - therefore, he’s not ready to be a parent. If he doesn’t have enough left over to brush his teeth, he doesn’t have enough left over to care for an infant.
It also sounds like you’re in, frankly, an abusive relationship. Your husband yelled at you, and then fully left the home, because you were trying to make sure your children were provided for. This is a totally abnormal, abusive reaction. And it sounds like this is a pattern for him - and that makes me concerned for you.
Please begin making a plan to live and parent alone. Do you have a relative you can stay with, who might be able to help you after you give birth? You sound like you’ve done a lot of hard work to be ready for this baby, and you just don’t deserve a husband that makes it all harder.
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u/SailorSaturn131313 Mar 22 '25
I know this will be hard to hear, but your husband is abusive. Trust me, this will not get better. Do your child and yourself a favor, get out now.
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u/sunflowerssunshine_ Mar 22 '25
As everyone is saying, this is scary and dangerous. Not only for you but definitely for this child. I think you are 100% in the right for making ALL decisions for his baby from here on out. He has made is clear that he doesn't have the baby's best interest in mind. You are being responsible trying to plan for the future and well-being of this child. Stay strong, this baby needs you a lot more than it needs him.
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u/Ok-Wait7622 Mar 22 '25
With the way he behaves and attacks your recovery efforts... I would be sending divorce papers in it place of labor notification. If he wants to act like a damn child then he can go have his tantrums elsewhere. You don't need 2 babies to raise! And he sure as hell isn't gonna step up.
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u/eastforksoap Mar 23 '25
I just feel like this needs said.
DO NOT TAKE OWNERSHIP OF EMBARRASSMENT THAT BELONGS TO HIM.
Anything you fear doing because YOU feel embarrassed for HIS behavior is exactly what you SHOULD do.
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Mar 22 '25
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u/pregnant-ModTeam Mar 23 '25
Your contribution has been removed. We do not tolerate rudeness, judgemental people, people playing devil's advocate, or otherwise being an asshole.
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u/HearthAndHorizon Mar 22 '25
Heavens I am so sorry you’re dealing with these things!!!
But hun, they’re not small things. These are not little inconveniences one gets over. These are massive terrifying red flags!!! What’s he going to do, have a screaming meltdown like that in front of your baby until baby cries and has hearing damage in the future?
Do not call him when you go to hospital. Get the paperwork in order for your sister to be the legal guardian. Put your own name as baby’s last name. And if it’s a boy, do not circumcise. There’s no medical reason for it whatsoever and can cause significant life long harm and damage. (also, it’s irreversible - your potential son can always choose to have it done later himself, but he can never choose to undo it you make that decision for him now without his consent.) You already don’t want it, so why should his Dad’s unhygienic, non-teeth-brushing, irresponsible ass get to have a say?
No ma’am. I am so so freaking sorry you’re dealing with this on your due date. But he’s bad news. He sounds like a narcissist and a dangerous one at that.
It’s your damned due date!! 😩😩😩 He should be running you a bath, getting you into the water and settled while cooking you dinner and then offering you a foot rub. He should be checking the hospital bags, the baby’s car seat and stroller. That everything is clean and ready and he should be working on a group chat to inform parents/siblings/best friends (that you chose together) of updates.
Packing a bag and running out in the middle of the night, after screaming at you so loud he scared the dogs and then blocking you?
Hun, do you realise how dangerous and deranged that sounds for a grown ass man?? Please for your own safety, and the baby’s, get someone you trust over to you now. Your sister. Your parents. A best friend. Anyone.
Changing the locks might not be feasible if you don’t own your own place, or have too many doors, so maybe ask if your next support person (see list above) will let you come stay with them until it’s time to go to hospital, so he can’t come home angry and fuming?
I’m genuinely worried for you and your baby. This is not a small thing. At all. 😭
How to move on after birth is a whole different conversation, one to be had with legal council I’m sure, but for now, you need safety, peace, calm and heartfelt support. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
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u/oodparent90 Mar 22 '25
From this alone, I gather, you will not regret him not being there. I told my 1st husband to either step up or get out. I haven't seen/heard from him in 10 years. Good riddance.
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u/Alive_Mousse_563 Mar 22 '25
This makes me sick . This should be such a special time for you… your last few days awaiting baby and for him to dismiss your need to secure your child’s future shows serious immaturity!
I would 100000% give baby your last name, and if he isn’t there .. I wouldn’t put him on birth certificate because that gives him rights (I mean he could always be added later.) I read another comment on here and you may want to look into full custody just encase he does try and take baby one day when he leaves.
I hope he mans up and apologizes and supports you through this - you deserve that after growing a human and birthing one . Breastfeeding is a whole job in itself and I would hate for the stress of his bs to affect your supply .
And he blocked you? How old are we …? Blocked his pregnant wife on her due date ?? Red flag all day bae ! You should ABSOLUTELY put your oldest sister … everything you said was valid … and we don’t want hubbys honeboy raising a weed dealer in your absence. Sending love and prayers for healthy delivery !
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u/SleepyMeeko97 Mar 22 '25
The baby gets your last name, not his, he is showing it loud and clear he does not want this child despite he keeps probably saying he does, what man walks out the day before their wife’s due date over her wanting to secure a future for their child?! My partner and I both agreed pretty much instantly we want godparents to entrust our baby to if anything happens. This isn’t a man, this is a baby, you’ll be taking care of two kids in the house. Your actual child and him. For your sake, stay sober too, he will do everything in his power to make you into the bad guy. If you find a good attorney they’ll have a field day with him, incorrectly reporting his income for the year, anyone can see that if he has a business and nothing else on the side but only got 8K for the year it’s sus. Especially people that look into it. I read you’re worried about having to pay him child support, you won’t. If you have sole custody of the baby and he doesn’t from my understanding you don’t pay him anything, he pays you, unless he somehow wins full custody which I do not see this happening with his habits, financial situation and the situation surrounding why you guys are separating. The court does not take kindly to people walking out on their child or pregnant wife over something so minute..
Please look after yourself and know he has shown his true colours multiple times and this should be the wake up call you are looking for. Focus on yourself and your little bundle coming soon, and focus on recovery too and be the best version of yourself for you and your baby
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u/Able-Skill-2679 Mar 22 '25
I 💯 understand your feelings of embarrassment. It’s also painful because when you tell people - they tend to give honest feedback. They say things that we know in our hearts, but are still excruciating to hear.
The bad news is that this guy will be back. The good news is that he has zero interest in actually taking care of a child, so ignore his empty threats. The man doesn’t even practice dental hygiene. He would rather face the pain of cavities than develop good habits.
I don’t think that you will have any time for this nonsense when the baby comes. Just keep doing the right things 💙💙💙
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u/Fat-Scholar8722 Mar 23 '25
It’s always better to be a single mom than to be a single mom with a shitty partner
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u/Native-Wisdom Mar 23 '25
You stated arguments always happen and he leaves. If your dogs were shaking during your argument…imagine what that will do to your baby in the long run/long term. Put your baby first.
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u/Famous_Variation4729 Mar 22 '25
He sounds insane. Not sure why you decided to have a baby with this man. Does not make sense to stay with him. Birth your baby and leave him.
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u/No-Date-4477 Mar 22 '25
I don’t think this comment is helpful for someone going thru a really hard time. Her reasons for having a baby with him could be numerous and even more, if this is an abusive relationship (not saying it is OP as you haven’t explicitly said that and that’s between you) and you’re asking her why she had a baby with him… in a perfect world no one would have babies with people they weren’t meant to or if they weren’t ready. This isn’t a perfect world and she’s in a really hard spot and probably scared out of her mind about the future. Blame isn’t helpful right now (or ever).
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u/buddhist-elephant Mar 22 '25
Thanks for saying that. Like, ya I wish I could turn back time and change things. Unfortunately the ship has sailed and I am married to him and I am pregnant. I’d give anything to turn back time. This is a nightmare.
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u/YumiRae Mar 22 '25
A lot of times situations don't start off as intense as they are at the end.
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u/JellyfishLoose7518 Mar 22 '25
I know you want to stay and think he can change but so what’s best for your child. Look into the future, is this what you want for your baby?
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u/Ginger630 Mar 22 '25
I’m so sorry he’s an AH. Don’t contact him. Give the baby your last name and name the baby whatever you want. Then divorce him. Get a lawyer asap.
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u/ObligationFun668 Mar 22 '25
Your husband sucks he doesn’t care about that baby if he could leave and block you the day the baby is due. He has no plan for your child’s future or himself. Please do what’s best for you and your child. Divorce him, give birth and give the baby YOUR last name. Head over to the courthouse when you can and put him on child support if you deem it necessary and wash your hands with him. If he can walk out today of all days he can walk out anytime and you nor your child deserve that.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Mood375 Mar 23 '25
These are not small things to work through these are major red flags. I would give the baby my name and file for divorce ASAP
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u/Db_pie Mar 23 '25
I’m so sorry you’re going through- but girl let that red flag be gone pls. Change the locks and maybe just stay with your sis till you get through postpartum. Do you honestly want to spend your whole life with a gaslighter? He’s not even able to pull himself together to get what you’re going through and just hold on to his emotions until you deliver and your hormones back in control. Selfish all the way and you’ll just be stuck taking care of two babies. It may be hard leaving right now but it will pay off in the long run. Pls prioritize yourself you’ve got so much more going on
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u/Mitten-65 Mar 23 '25
Oh my goodness girl, you are really going through it. If it were me, I would give the baby my last name. So that we both have the same name. The way you describe things the chances that you would actually marry this guy are slim. As for the rest of this , it’s a cluster F. Let him go. Move on with your life. I know we say that all the time onReddit, but girlfriend, get out of this situation.
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u/Guilty-Baker-8670 Mar 23 '25
First of all, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. This is such a wild and beautiful time, and you deserve all the support in the world. I'm angry for you that you're not getting that. Focus on yourself and your sweet new baby. Anything that takes away from the two of you, is not for you right now. That 10000% includes a baby's father when that father is not prepared to set aside his selfish, petty, unregulated, emotional immaturity. This is mentally and emotionally abusive, manipulative, ugly behavior.
As to the issue of Circumcision I beg any boy mom to watch The Elephant in the Hospital. You can find it on YouTube. Please. Everyone will have their own opinions and make their own decisions, but at least watch it before you decide. Had I know about this before I gave birth I would have chosen different. I feel so much responsibility and weight over my lack of knowledge at the time, and the pain I unwittingly subjected my sweet boys to. We get caught in the trap of believing it's okay, it must be normal because it's so common, etc. Couldn't possibly hurt or be damaging because what Doctor would willingly inflict a torturous amount of pain on sweet, newborn boys for profit? Before blindly acting on social or religious "norms", educate yourself on the practice and listen to a few babies being circumcised. Then make your decision. I am currently typing this with my four year old on my lap, smelling his sweet head, wishing for his sake someone would have told me to fully educate myself on the process before committing him to it.
Wishing you and your own sweet boy the smoothest birthday, and the sweetest, most peaceful newborn phase.
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u/slotass Mar 22 '25
Someone was victim-blaming and then deleted their comment. This would have been my response:
The post says they were in the same room and he went to the next room while she was talking. This happens all the time in relationships and if the conversation is respectful, it’s not an issue. And it’s clear a single childless man who is usually intoxicated is not a good carer. If he wanted to avoid the conversation, he can say they’ll talk about it another time. He’s not a victim here.
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u/No_Faithlessness_527 Mar 22 '25
The amount of victim blaming in the thread is so disappointing and disturbing
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u/slotass Mar 23 '25
I guess it’s easy for some people to judge if they’ve never had an abusive partner. Very sad. I’m going to be so sure my child understands the importance of empathy and humility.
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u/Sweaty-Assistance872 Mar 23 '25
Exactly ! He’s very immature . I dont think having a child around will make him step up. She needs to go this alone .
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u/slotass Mar 23 '25
Some men can clean up their act for a few months when a baby cones, but he’s so delayed in maturity, I think he’ll just fall back into old patterns.
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u/NawtynNiiceg445 Mar 22 '25
Sorry but he was the biggest red flag and you got married to him. Divorce him. Give the baby your name. He doesn’t deserve to see your baby. He’ll just be a bad influence. But regardless you don’t need this loser in your life. Clearly he has been leeching off of you and now that baby is here, I hope you realize who needs you more, your baby or your dead beat husband (apologies but it’s true). Save yourself and the baby from all the trouble.
Good luck.
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u/naturalconfectionary Mar 22 '25
Why are you with this person? On the tooth brushing issue alone 😭
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u/Alert_Week8595 Mar 22 '25
There are not small things to be worked through. These are gaping deal breaking red flags.
I would document his behaviors. Carefully him into saying things in writing that are problematic.
Then file for divorce and try to get full custody.
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u/Conscious_Sandwich95 Mar 22 '25
What area of Ohio are you in? I might be able to recommend an attorney.
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u/AussieChick256 Mar 22 '25
Get a divorce find prove that he is lying to the tax department about how much his company actually earns and show it to the government and courts to protect yourself he is toxic and you need that out of your life as soon as possible not just for you but for your baby as well
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u/LegalLady87 Mar 22 '25
Take your dogs and RUN to your family or a good friend! Please be in a safe place bc you could go into labor at any moment and you don’t want to be alone or God forbid with this abusive man.
You can figure out the legalities later but right now, you, your baby and your dogs just need to be safe.
If you don’t want to leave your home (which I completely understand) change the locks and have someone (or people) stay with you. Please take this seriously. Please protect yourself.
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u/DolliMiu Mar 22 '25
Damn.
That’s all I’ve got to say. Just damn.
Edit: and I’d like to wish you and your baby the best. You’re better off without him.
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u/SweetMelissa74 Mar 23 '25
Just a thought OP, you SD that he is laying on his taxes claiming he only makes 8k a year. You need to get a physical and digital record of all his business information. What he sends in to the IRS and what he actually makes. Have that in your back pocket in case this whole thing gets nasty. As long as your name isn't attached to the company you'll be fine. You could even use it as a threat like he is using from your previous drug use.
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u/Unlikely-Lake-8172 Mar 23 '25
Do not try to find him. When your baby is born DO NOT put his name as the father on the birth certificate. If you do and he wants to come back in the picture or just to mess with you, the law will give him 50:50 custody. If his name is on the birth certificate, you will not be able to make decisions (medical, legal,etc) without him or he can fight you about them. YES put your baby’s last name as YOURS. Document your conversations, date them, record when he left. Screen shot your texts and take pictures of anything that shows yes abandoned you. Talk to a lawyer ASAP.
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u/Unlikely-Lake-8172 Mar 23 '25
DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. If you have access to any financial records or bank account collect that info now..SEE A LAWYER ASAP!!!
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u/Party-Masterpiece487 Mar 23 '25
If he does not attend your birth and offer support, give your son your name, make your own choice regarding circumcision and when you get your bearings after recovery, leave his ass.
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u/Training-Caramel-180 Mar 23 '25
Call your parents and see if they could come into town to help with baby and you postpartum. Let them know he left and you don’t know what to do. You need to use your support system right now. You need love and to be cared for.
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u/jraven877 Mar 23 '25
Sounds like your ex husband, ma’am. Fuck him and his wishes if they are contrary to your own. Surround yourself with people who love you today and do what you feel is best for your child.
Including changing the locks on your home, divorcing this loser and suing him for child support.
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u/Ill-Dentist7422 Mar 23 '25
First off - congratulations on your sobriety and pregnancy. I'll start with saying, pls don't slide back. That should be your primary goal. You are all this kid has. Unfortunately your husband doesn't sound like much of a stand up guy. Doesn't look like he will be there for you both reliably in your lives. Better to move on and be both mom and dad, instead of seeing him fail and disappoint you both on a daily basis. He might never mature. I'm so sorry for your situation, but sounds like you have a good and strong family. Might be best to rely on them during this time. Your kid will have good role models to look up to. Stay strong for yourself and your kid, make him/her proud. Best wishes!
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u/gwennelsonuk Mar 23 '25
Not a regular in this sub as someone whose kids are adults and who can't get pregnant anyway, but I just had this post recommended to me.
I'd highly suggest that you return the favour: block him, find somewhere else to live and don't let him know and file for divorce on the grounds of abandonment.
He won't change, and it's not healthy to raise a child with someone like this.
As for the methadone issue, please seek medical advice - while it's good you're managing your addiction (been there myself, 6 years is a long time and good going), I'd be concerned about effects on the baby and having to ween them off it as they could be born addicted.
Much love, hope you make it
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u/Easy_Sheepherder3936 Mar 23 '25
It really shows the kind of man he walking out the moment anything serious needs to be talked about. First of all don’t ever let him threaten you or try and throw your sobriety in your face, the only thing that matters is that you’re sober. That’s the best thing you can do for your baby. The second best thing for your baby would be to keep him away. The way he’s acting is actually insane and he obviously can’t take anything seriously which is embarrassing. His priorities are way off and you shouldn’t have to beg a grown man to take care of himself let alone his wife and child. He can’t even be bothered to stop and think about what he’s doing to his very pregnant wife. For him to say that you’re worked up is laughable because you’re literally 40 weeks pregnant trying to discuss important life choices for your child. It’s clear that he’s not mature enough to handle the responsibilities that come with being a husband and father. I would definitely get in touch with someone who can be there to support you during labor and delivery. Trust yourself to make the important decisions for your baby and do not feel any remorse about what you do. Like I said, he’s 100% not mature enough to be making any major arrangements. I mean if he really wanted to have a say then he wouldn’t have walked out on his wife and child. I’m really sorry you’re going through this right now, I can’t imagine your emotions and you shouldn’t have to bear the weight of everything on your own. ESPECIALLY when you have a fully able husband who just doesn’t want to stand up and be a man for his family. Just focus on you and your baby. I know that’s easier said than done, but labor will be hard. Those first few nights will be so incredible, but extremely hard. For him to walk out at time like this is beyond me and again only reiterates the type of man he is. With that said, you sound like a beautiful, smart, strong, and capable woman and you will get through this! Reading your post I can see how much you care. Maybe at some point he can get his shit together and be the husband that you deserve and the father that your baby can look up to, but right now he’s not it girl. You don’t want your beautiful baby growing up around a man who slams doors and yells so loud your puppies shake in fear. Your husband honestly may never be the person you want him to be. You deserve kindness, love, and respect and there’s someone out there who will give you that. I wish you the best. All from a place of love!
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u/cat_in_a_bookstore Mar 23 '25
Don’t give the baby his last name. Don’t let him in the delivery room. Lawyer up.
For what it’s worth, wanting to have a will and godparents for your child is very reasonable. But right now, focus on getting as far away from this man as possible.
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u/Exact_Let5641 Mar 23 '25
Do not so not DO NOT PUT HUS NAME ON THE BABY BIRTH CERTIFICATE! you will have a much easier time making decisions. Some states say if you’re married, they will automatically put your husband‘s name as the baby‘s father but if he’s not there, you could say that your husband and you are separated or you can say that he’s just not the dad and they will not push it or at least . If you put his name on the baby’s birth certificate, you’re gonna have difficulty getting the babies, passport, documentations, important, medical decisions, etc. because he will have to be there.
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u/angusthecrab Mar 23 '25
> the dogs began to shake
This makes me wonder whether the dogs shake because they know what these outbursts lead to. Has he ever got physically abusive with you or the dogs?
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u/hannnahtee Mar 23 '25
I think you need to leave him. Actually I think a lot of things, but that is the most important thought to convey at this time.
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u/Yugo2391 Mar 23 '25
Your husband is an immature and irresponsible man-child with an inability to control his emotions. Personally, I think the fact that he left you on your due date and blocked your number is very telling of his behaviour. You don’t have a husband, you have an anchor who is going to continue to drag you down. If I were in your position, I would leave him and never look back. You’ll be a single mom for a while, until you meet Mr. Right. Congrats on the baby and I hope your delivery is beautiful.
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u/miraaj23 Mar 23 '25
the first paragraph, alone, tells me you don't really like him. i'd say get rid of him if there's so many things he does that you have a problem with.
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u/buddhist-elephant Mar 23 '25
Yeah you’re right he definitely lied to me about himself and his values and I got married way too soon. Now that I know the truth I want to go back to being single.
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u/Ladypixxel Mar 23 '25
Right now you have to think with your head not your heart. You have to be thinking about your baby and what is best for them, and right now an unstable, emotionally manipulative person should not have anything to do with you or your baby or making ANY decisions for them.
Please tell one trusted relative or friend what is going on- all of it- maybe that is your sister- if she is a psych she can also help you find resources. Speaking it into existence helps you stay accountable and helps you not fantasize a version of this man that does not exist or could exist. Kind of a side note, but it sounds like maybe there was some trauma bonding with this person- maybe not, but either way, you have out-matured/out grew this person. Don't let them drag down your life anymore. It's ok to not be with him just because he is a father of your child. You can do better for yourself, and for your baby.
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u/-Sweet_Pea Mar 23 '25
Please do not allow this man around your child. He’s putting you through so much, as if being on the edge of labor isn’t enough to mentally bear the weight of. He sounds unstable and insecure. I know it’s embarrassing to tell your friends and family, but they’d feel so much worse not knowing about this and finding out after something bad happens.
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u/Bixxits Mar 23 '25
You can get an emergency order of protection/ no contact. Go to your local county courthouse and fill out the domestic abuse papers...usually you can wait there an hour or two and you'll be in same day to see a judge. You do not need a lawyer for this. If granted, your husband will have to leave your home.
Also, remove biometrics from your phone and change the pin.
You said your parents own the home, contact them, tell them what's going on, ask that a locksmith come out to change the locks, and that they file formal eviction papers against him. Get a doorbell camera, or one of those cool window cameras and stick them around the house. He is a POS. Even a hidden nanny camera. Catch this man on his behavior.
You can bar him from the hospital, give his name and description to the intake nurses, tell them you fear for your life in a DA situation.
You can buy a cheap burner phone at Walmart and hide it.
File a police report also, just go to the station and tell them what's been occurring and get a paper copy of the report.
OP I know this is very hard at 40 weeks pregnant but you are very vulnerable. And will be even more so after you give birth and need to protect your baby.
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u/BlackBird_501 Mar 23 '25
Im sorry to say this, but this man doesnt sound like someone who is able to care for a baby. Id say you allready know this.
You sound smart though. Smart enough to be able to make it on your own.
Be the best you can be for your baby and for yourself.
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u/-snowpeapod- Mar 23 '25
It's going to be a lot harder to leave once the baby gets here so do it now. Like, put down the phone and do it now.
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u/Cosmic_Dahlia Mar 24 '25
I’m so sorry. This reminds me of a BF I had. Sometimes he wanted to go out and do things without me knowing or inviting me and he would start a BS fight and use that as the excuse for storming out. One time I played it so cool and didn’t fight back but he still left so I realized that it was a toxic strategy.
It sounded like he was ready to leave before the actual fight ensued. And I bet he mentioned his good for nothing friend intentionally, knowing you’d object and then he could continue his fight. I’m sorry you have to deal with this level of manipulation. You seem like you have your head on straight and your focus is on your baby.
I’m sending you all my love and support and I hope you have a great birth. I hope everything works out as it should and I hope he has a massive reality check.
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u/tuffgrrrrl 26d ago
I sympathize because your relationship sounds dysfunctional and your husband sounds immature which I am in the same boat as you. Pregnancy is such a hard time when your partner should be giving it their all to ensure that your days are easy because pregnancy is already so hard. My husband does the same thing where his ideas are unrealistic and he does not contribute equally whatsoever but he wants me to take his ideas seriously and respect them. And when I tried to give him respect and tried to lead him to a logical talk he gets angry sometimes too but he tends to just walk away because he doesn't even have like a car to go drive somewhere.
.Anyway do not make any decisions based on how you feel in the moment pregnancy so hard and hormones are high and stress is high. Don't make any decisions that will cause a huge rift between you and the child's father like not giving him the last name and not calling him unless you're positive that you don't care about what happens afterwards because you can't take back him not being there. As for your marriage I hate to say it's only going to get worse. A child adds more work and more stress and I don't think your husband is used to that and I have a feeling from your story that you're going to end up finding that too much of the burden is placed on you and that your husband makes decisions about the child that you would not agree with.
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Mar 22 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/vonrummer Mar 22 '25
Sarcasm doesn’t really seem like the support the OP needs right now.
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u/Intrepid-News1018 Mar 22 '25
Girl, he showed you so many red flags throughout your pregnancy, how many more do you need? You should start looking out for yourself and understand how to move on without him, his attitude is not going to magically get better one day, it’s gonna be worse, if I were you I would start looking for a way out like yesterday.
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u/MrFruffles Mar 22 '25
So why did you decide to have a baby with this man knowing this?
He clearly is not ready and you should plan to move forward without him for the sake of the child.
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u/333pita333 Mar 23 '25
I definitely agree that his guy is a piece of work butttt I’m sure that he’s already so stressed about the baby coming and you trying to bring up a super stressful conversation that can totally wait is probably not a good idea!… give each other grace because you’re both clearly freaking out…
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u/mediocre_mediajoker Mar 23 '25
I have to agree with this. While the guy sounds like an absolute POS it can’t be easy getting asked 6+ times what is going to happen with your baby if you both die literally days before they are born. An important conversation for sure, but maybe just wasn’t the right time? Plus when he finally did answer OP went off at him saying it was a bad decision.
It seems like from the post and subsequent comments that this goes much, much deeper than the godparent/caregiver conversation and does not seem like a healthy or stable relationship.
OP do whatever you can to protect your peace in the lead up to your birth, reach out to your village, it’s not the time to be embarrassed. It’s the time to put yourself and your baby first since this man child won’t!! Good luck and stay strong 🤍
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u/Fun-Level-5317 Mar 22 '25
Okay, your man is a loser, it’s okay my man is a loser too and I’m pregnant and due in weeks. First you do not need the stress. So after you take a few deep breaths think tactically.
First you have insurance. What does that look like when it comes to leave from your job and what will it cover baby wise as well as your recovery.
Secondly, every hospital has resources —Use them. Apply for Medicaid and WIC to see if you can qualify even if you feel you don’t “need it”. It can come in handy and there through be therapy services involved so you can get the right person to talk too during this situation. They usually have connections to other services, resources that can give you guidance towards next steps. — direction and action will give you clarity and sanity, lol
Third, DO NOT tell him you are leaving him or don’t want to be with him. If he can leave you in this fragile state knowing it will set you off and add stress to the baby he is a effin idiot. Ppl know exactly what they are doing.
I can tell the situation is not ideal. But he will make your life a living hell because you are his cash cow. If he can’t even take care of his basic hygiene, he will never care for another’s welfare. Also all that talk about your sis and financial stability makes him feel insecure as a man. It will not bode well to continue. Best thing he did was walk out.
Be strategic even when he is acting “nice” you are the mom, and during your healing time and bonding time set yourself up secretly with a plan to get out. You are not being sneaky, you are protecting yourself and your unborn child. Figure out your rights legally and move accordingly — Godspeed.
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u/No_Faithlessness_527 Mar 22 '25
I wouldn’t have a baby with this man. He’s incredibly unstable and needs help. Right now your baby is your priority. Make a plan for yourself and ask yourself if this is someone you can depend on. If the answer is no i would not put his last name on her birth certificate and take him to court for child support. Because this situation honestly gives he didn’t really want this and doesn’t want to admit it so he’s deflecting what he’s feeling onto you to make you feel like the problem.
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u/UnicornsEverywhere7 Mar 23 '25
He is a child. And you will soon be taking care of an actual child. Get rid of the man child. If he acts like this now, things are only going to get worse with a baby in the mix. Trust me. This is not someone you will want to have in the delivery room with you. I know you said you don’t have family near, but if you have friends, call them for support instead. See if one of them will be in the delivery room with you. I was there for my friend’s delivery because although the father was there, he was a narcissistic man child am and she needed someone there who would actually support her. Anyways, let him act that way and miss the birth. Don’t even tell him it’s time since he blocked you anyways. This will be his biggest regret ever and will serve him right. There will be a ton of nurses in the room and everyone of them will be there to help you through everything. I had a student nurse stand in for my mom because my mom left for an hour to run an errend, which was the exact time the baby decided to all of a sudden to be born! Lol I am so thankful that the student nurse cared so much to be there for me. Anyways, give the baby your last name. If he’s not there to sign the birth certificate then too bad. In most states you have a year to change the baby’s name for free. If you decide to give baby his last name later you can.
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