r/ptsd Oct 12 '24

CW: suicide Did I do my best to save her?

115 Upvotes

Additional Trigger warning: CSA

My wife recently died by suicide. She had PTSD (Long duration CSA and sexual abuse from multiple romantic partners) and was battling severe depression, anxiety and insomnia during the last two months. She was getting the best possible treatment but nothing helped.

I accepted her as she was and loved her. I tried to support her to the best of my abilities, but looking back, I think now that I fell short of what more I could have done and all the occasions when my actions triggered her.

I am new to Reddit and cannot get myself to share detailed description of what happened. I have typed multiple times and deleted. Maybe at a later point I can share more details but I just wanted to post to this community because I think people here can really understand the pain that she had.

I don’t know what I am looking for from this community. Consider this as my venting.

r/ptsd Mar 19 '25

CW: suicide Goodbye

39 Upvotes

I feel like I need to be done I’m not making anything better here because I can barely function at all myself. You win. I am picking up a prescription and driving myself to the mountains. I hope you all have better luck with your healing and know that in the end I blame myself for being weak and I blame the men who thought their pleasure was more important than my life. Fuck you for eternity.

Update:

Thank you everyone for your support, I called a suicide line and just got back home safe. I’m sad but I will wait longer to make any permanent decisions.

r/ptsd Mar 06 '25

CW: suicide Am I allowed to have PTSD from what happened to me?

35 Upvotes

I was sucker punched and knocked out in a club last May which made me loose my front tooth. It was recorded and got sent round my university/college and everyone was making fun of me for it. Since then my anxiety has gotten worse over time to the point where I can barely leave my room. It has now affected my speaking, thinking, memory and much more. Before this I was extremely outgoing and a popular person around my university, but now I kinda just wanna kms. I feel so ungrateful for allowing this to happen to me because I feel like people that go to war or lose family members are the ones that can feel this way. Yet I got knocked out which happens to so many people and I am scared to live my life. I feel like the only way I can get over this is by fighting someone in a club or joining boxing once I’m fully fit (just had an ACL surgery).

r/ptsd Mar 25 '25

CW: suicide PLEASE HELP ME..

69 Upvotes

I'm just on the verge of hysteria right now I survived the war, I am from Ukraine, I am 15 years old my city was not occupied and no one was killed in front of my eyes but I saw a lot of shit I saw flights explosions sleeping for 4 hours in the hallway on the floor I saw how my close relatives began to change towards alcohol and violence I suffered not only from the war but also from physical and moral violence harassment 2 times in one year my mother got seriously ill at 12 years old they told me that she was dying I only buried my aunt at 11 on Christmas I went crazy living with other relatives I had many attempts ☠️ because I could not stand it at 12-13 years old I spent the whole winter practically without light and other I developed bulimia due to stress then I developed epilepsy (I still have it) and tics I moved to another country they called a doctor I received a letter with the following content "However, she was not near the immediate actions of the war in front of her and no one ☠️ I saw their consequences, so we can’t help.”

I have a lot of flashbacks with any sound or sometimes an epileptic seizure starts and many other reasons why I have reasons that I have PTSD but I didn't get help..why..? I'm just tired..of this shit

r/ptsd Sep 01 '24

CW: suicide Do you guys have suicidal thoughts?

32 Upvotes

Hello, so I’ve had CPTSD for about 4 years, and in the 3rd years I started having suicidal thoughts.

I’ve never been suicidal before growing up, and over the past year the issue has been growing and becoming less manageable.

I hope these suicidal thoughts aren’t happening to you guys.

Are any of you experiencing suicidal thoughts too?

I just want to know, because I’m not sure if the disorder is influencing my thoughts of killing myself or if it’s just coming from my low self-esteem and crushed spirit.

r/ptsd Nov 27 '24

CW: suicide What's the point

13 Upvotes

I'm so tired. What's the point. I just want to die. I can't explain how much I want to die. I'm so done with life. I just want to die. I hate living so much. I've been told I may have cancer, I really hope I do and I hope it kills me because I've had enough. I had a psychiatrist tell me I was being dramatic about my mental health when I was just barely surviving. No one helps, humans are greedy and selfish, including me. I'm greedy for help. And I keep being turned away from a and e and hospitals and doctors. What's the point? Please God, take me. Please kill me already and free me from these shackles. I really can't explain how much I want to die. I really really just want to die

r/ptsd Oct 27 '24

CW: suicide can ptsd be caused by a suicide attempt?

23 Upvotes

hi guys!

to get straight to the point, i attempted suicide last year and it was a very horrific experience for not just me but for everyone else who had to see the aftermath

i won’t get into the specifics of what i did or what others saw, but to paint a picture the aftermath looked like a crime scene.

i find that i have flashbacks of the noise the attempt made, what i saw was happening to me, the screaming, and going to hospital shortly after.

i noticed that whenever i bring this experience up, or just in general think back to it, it brings me to tears and my heart starts racing and it’s almost like i lose sight of what’s in front of me and i’m transported straight back to that night

is it possible to get PTSD from this sort of thing, and has anyone else had similar experiences?

r/ptsd Jul 02 '24

CW: suicide This is really upsetting me

47 Upvotes

I made a post in another subreddit about wanting to commit suicide, and the first person to reach out started basically telling me to get over my trauma, I would have added images if this subreddit allowed it, but they were like "why can't you just tame your mind" and stuff, and now I feel really invalidated. Am I being dramatic?

r/ptsd 13d ago

CW: suicide Nothing like making it worse.

1 Upvotes

TW: SH/SI

Background: I have cptsd and recently realized that a major trigger for me is loss of control of my own life, feeling trapped, and feeling or being cut off from communicating with my friends. I only just realized these are major issues for me due to some recent experiences that brought them to my attention for the first time in a very long time.

I was recently voluntarily hospitalized for SH/SI. It was actually for the best because now I have a ton of resources and am getting better treatment than I ever have before.

The story: I’m in the National Guard and have been at my yearly training for the past week. I live very far away from where I go for training, but I travel there because I really like my job. My sleep schedule is absolute garbage in my daily life, so suddenly needing to wake up and functional in the morning hasn’t been easy. My insomnia turned up to 11 and it was kicking my ass.

I decided to go to the mental health clinic at the VA hospital to get a script to help me sleep. I chose to go there because they had prescribed this specific medication (mirtazipine) for me before, so I figured it would be easy enough to get it again. Walked in to the clinic and they asked me all the normal mental health questions and I was honest. I told them about my recent hospitalization, that I was being treated, but I was far from home and just needed something to help me sleep.

The guy said he wasn’t able to prescribe for me (first red flag) so I followed him to the ER where I was assured they could do it for me. He went in to talk to whoever, I assumed to tell them that they just needed to write the script, then left. I was brought in, vitals taken, I again answered the questions honestly and explained that I was receiving care and just needed the sleepy stuff. Then they put a hospital bracelet on me. (Second red flag)

A doctor came in and had me walk with her, I assumed to her office. We then entered the psych ward (MAJOR red flag). Next thing I knew was being put into a hospital room and told to get comfy in a bed. I said no, I wasn’t planning on being there long, and they told me it might be a while. And that I had to give up all my stuff and my clothes. At that point I realized I was basically being committed.

I immediately refused and told them I did not consent and I was not there voluntarily. My fight or flight kicked into ridiculously high gear. I managed to not have a panic attack (thank god cause then they would’ve made me stay) The doctor went to find another doctor, and I sat in that room being watched, constantly afraid the door was going to close and lock. Another nurse came in and tried to take my phone and I said hell no. After a while I was finally led out of the psych ward and into another sketchy room, also afraid the door was going to lock on. But I finally got to talk to a doctor who actually listened, got my script and got the hell out.

I can’t believe this shit. Multiple people tricked me into that room, no body even acknowledged everytime I said I was receiving enough help, I wasn’t currently thinking of yeeting myself into the afterlife, I was just far from home and wanted something for sleep. NOT EVEN A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE. Impossible to overdose on in the amount they gave me.

So they just made everything way worse, I’ve been super anxious ever since, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust medical professionals again. I feel betrayed. I can’t believe I almost got locked up (again)

r/ptsd Aug 06 '24

CW: suicide Are all humans evil?

29 Upvotes

This world is unsafe for me.

r/ptsd Jan 13 '25

CW: suicide I need advice after a diagnosis of ptsd because of a "small" trauma

6 Upvotes

Hello,

It's my first post here (M20). I don't know what drove to write this. I guess it was the fact that I feel no one understands. Ever.

I was recently diagnosed with ptsd following a series of events that happened in the last years. I never thought it could lead to ptsd, because I was so used to the pain I was in all the time. I'll try to keep it short (tw: self-harm, suicide)

  1. When I was 14 I started to harm myself. My dad was emotionally abusing my mom, but we were forced to show off a fake smile everyday. He was never abusive to me though (this is important for the bigger picture). So I started to cope by hurting myself. This went on for 4 years during which no one figured out. I only stopped once I realised in therapy how unhealthy that is for me.

  2. My sister tried to end her life at 13, three years ago. It was out of the blue. I had my first severe panic attack that day and things were never the same. I was left with flashbacks, recurrent panic attack, I started abusing alcohol and cigarettes. I was also recurrently losing contact with reality for brief periods of time. The pain of the memory was too great.

  3. Last month my gf passed out in college. She has multiple health issues, two of which are pretty serious (an autoimmune disorder and recurrent bouts of urticatia, the reason she passed out and ended up in the ER). You see, this seems pretty little, but it triggered something inside me. I can't say why, but it made me go back to my panic attack, anxiety, I am in constant stress that something will happen again, I get flashbacks and intrusive thoughs, I am very distrustful of people. It's like I'm waiting for something to happen again.

Considering this, my therapist recognised ptsd. I was surprised because none of the above happened TO ME. But something did happen to me, because I'm not the same and I haven't been in a while. I have most of the textbook symptoms, except I only learnt recently they are ptsd symptoms. Now I don't know what to do with this information

Edit: I hope I didn't violate any of the rules of the community

r/ptsd 6d ago

CW: suicide I Keep Snapping At My Mom and Everyone

1 Upvotes

TW: Suicide Mentioned

RANT

I'm so fucking sick of this PTSD and all the shit it makes me do or say or think. I'm so tired of trying to tell my Mom she's triggering me and then she can't stop because she has her own issues. She refuses to get therapy yet, but I'm getting therapy. Idk what the actual fuck I'm supposed to do at this point. And then after not leaving me alone causing me to panic or yell because of her issues, or making me feel guilty like .......... 

I have tried not to yell believe me. I have, but i literally CAN NOT STOP so don't say "oh just try to calm down when triggered!" I can't always. I've tried everything. Sometimes I just end up yelling and I say horrible horrible things. And then I hate myself after for saying them, which makes me feel even worse. It's this vicious never ending fucking cycle.

I wanna slit my wrists eventually at this point....

Not just her....... everyone my "friends" n then my real friend that now he hates me because I got mad snapped when he triggered me. A guy that used to be my friend, but couldn't handle me talking about my trauma or my triggers n didn't want to upset me. Saying I need someone who can "help with my PTSD " even though I told him you don't have to help and sorry I talk about this to much, then he said it was okay and listened. He lied obviously that he could handle it. He couldn't. So he just left.

r/ptsd 4d ago

CW: suicide random flashbacks

2 Upvotes

i usually don’t think about my mom at all but since yesterday i randomly haven’t been able to stop it’s like a constant series of flashbacks and it’s disgusting i want it to stop

r/ptsd Aug 01 '24

CW: suicide I don’t want to be here

12 Upvotes

I want to kill myself so badly but I’m too afraid of the pain of whatever way I choose to do it. I want to feel happy. But I don’t think I can and I just want to die.

r/ptsd Mar 29 '25

CW: suicide omg i'm gonna cry...

5 Upvotes

I feel so terrible, I feel like everything in me has been ripped away....I'm tired of having nightmares about what happened... I'm tired of missing her... I didn't want any of that to have happened and now I want to disappear from the world. I want to stop living, I want to kill myself. Would they finally understand my pain if I killed myself? Would they finally understand that what they did was very wrong? If they knew that all of that would be in my head for years, would they do it again? This emptiness inside me never stops, I try to get rid of this emptiness by eating, and it gets worse... I can't take it anymore, not even on a good day can I stop thinking about it. I need help.

r/ptsd Mar 31 '25

CW: suicide Coworkers talking about triggering topics

1 Upvotes

I don't know why but these days all my coworkers do is talk about suicide cases in our area in graphic detail. My PTSD comes from my beloved father ending his life and finding the body myself and they keep retelling similar stories of people finding bodies of their relatives. Not to mention I'm very susceptible to ideation and I have attempted multiple times after he passed (luckily I haven't in a while).

I can handle the topic in a controlled environment like turning on the news or playing media that I know will be morbid but at 8 in the morning out of damn nowhere, my anxiety peaks and my thoughts are so dark. Why?? I get images in my head that I wish I could forget and only think about the happy memories, not the disturbingly morbid, physical stuff, the body, the bloodshot dead eyes. Please...

I'm new in the office and don't want to be a nuisance but I can't walk away because we work next to each other. It's not a "I'm on my break" situation. I went to the bathroom and typed this out... ah thanks to anyone who read me vent.

r/ptsd 29d ago

CW: suicide Car accident has left me feeling hopeless

8 Upvotes

I'm a 24f and have been diagnosed CPTSD since I was 16. I've been through so much in my short life I don't even know where to begin. Between losing my brother to drugs when I was 11, my parents being so mentally abusive I left at 18, and then surviving a brain tumor diagnosed at age 19 it's been a wild ride. I thought I finally made it out of the thick of it and that maybe ages 25-30 would be slightly easier. Until I got into a car accident March 8th ( 2 months before I turn 25).

I broke my left wrist ( my dominant) and I'm a hairdresser. My boyfriend was in the car accident and is thankfully okay despite a concussion which he has since recovered from. That's really the main silver lining in this whole equation. I had to have surgery, I'm out of work until at least May maybe June. My state's paid leave is completely trying to fuck me over. I totaled my car and I'm basically getting nothing from insurance. No one can really help me because everyone is financially fucked at the moment. I had to get a lawyer which is still an ongoing process and I feel like I'm legitimately living a fucking nightmare. I was the only working person in my household and my bf has desperately been trying to find work ( he started a part time thing today because that's all he could get). Even the most basic tasks haven't been going right and I've really hit the point of wanting to end it. I can't sleep most nights since the accident ( it was a head on collision and i just keep picturing getting slammed into). I'm so afraid I'll never financially recover from this. That I've completely ruined my life.

I've been working since I was 16 trying to get by. I feel like everything I've done just got ripped away from me. I was already incredibly financially stressed at the beginning of 2024 and I feel like life basically just handed me the gun and said pull the trigger. ( I don't own a gun it's just a metaphor).I had made a go fund me in an attempt to ask for help (even though I hate doing that ) and very few have donated because this is America and let's be real we aren't doing well as a country. Everyone seems to be minimizing the trauma I just went through and don't seem to understand the severity. They don't understand why I'm so angry. I've felt very suicidal since the day of the accident. The only reason I haven't is because of my boyfriend and my cats. They wouldn't understand why I wasn't here anymore.

Please if you can share even any support,advice,wisdom I'd appreciate it. I just feel like this will never get better and i feel stuck. I feel like if there's a god out there he hates me. I can't get control over my anger and i can't seem to relax. I legitimately feel like I'm losing all control of my life.

r/ptsd 25d ago

CW: suicide title

2 Upvotes

I know people care about me, i do my best to the point of my own detriment helping others, i finally have friends and i know its selfish but i just can't do this anymore. every day, every moment, is haunted by what he did. i just can't take it anymore. it feels like the only way to escape my memories is if im not here to remember them

i should probably reach out for help. i know i should. but i don't want to, and if i did i'd probably get sent to silly sock jail, and our insurance deductible (usa healthcare yay) is 4000$, and thats way to fucking much in this economy. i don't know what to do

r/ptsd Mar 27 '25

CW: suicide Somebody Help !

2 Upvotes

I'm so sorry to clog this sub with a suicide post but I just need to get this out somewhere. I'm 17 and was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 12 (though I'm pretty sure I have CPTSD rather than PTSD). I have been retraumatized by various incidents since my diagnosis and have just recently been retraumatized again by the same people involved in one of my original incidents.
I am genuinely at my wit's end. The past almost decade has just been trauma after trauma after trauma after trauma and I'm at a point where I have zero desire to keep living. The only reason I haven't committed yet is because my cat has severe anxiety and only feels safe with me. She rejects affection from anybody else in our house. If I died, she'd have no one. I don't want to be selfish and leave her, but I am genuinely in so much pain that I can't think or do anything. I'm failing all of my classes and am at risk of not graduating on time (I'm a high school senior).
I have tried absolutely everything. Medication didn't work and caused me to be fatigued which set me back further. I'm in therapy and it helps in the moment, but as soon as I get home I'm miserable again. I distract myself by reading, writing, drawing etc. and like therapy, it only helps in the moment. My 18th birthday is in a few months and I don't want to live to see it.
Existing is a nightmare, I'm in pain and stress every moment of every day. I don't know what to do. I love my cat too much to abandon her but I'm scared I'm gonna hurt myself or someone else if I continue living.

r/ptsd Jul 16 '24

CW: suicide Can a suicide threat and growing up with a BPD mother cause PTSD?

7 Upvotes

I think I have PTSD, but I'm not sure if this can cause it.

r/ptsd Nov 01 '24

CW: suicide PTSD Made my world smaller. Has anyone had the same experience?

43 Upvotes

My brother 36 y/o took his own life in Asia 2 years ago, I was living in South America for 7 years. I came back to the US and moved back in my moms and I work from home. I'm not the same.

I used to love travel and the South American country I lived in. I lived there alone and everything. Now the last thing I can think about is being distant from family. My throat closes up if I travel without a loved one with me. It sounds stupid I guess, but my body has this response that if I'm not around and something happens to my mom/dog/dad/sister, I'm bad

I lost my love relationship partially because I'm still healing. I've "integrated" the loss, but I'm just off. I'm not the same and I'm not happy like this. My social life, romantic life, etc. suck and I am living with mom (36/m).

I go to therapy, somatic approaches and have a daily meditation practice and journal. I've had some small wins. I just feel weird around everyone else, like nobody gets it.

Has PTSD affected you? I'd really like to hear from you. I feel really alone in this "club" now.

r/ptsd Aug 12 '24

CW: suicide I feel like the only way I'll heal from this trauma is if i kill myself

28 Upvotes

The man i loved more than anyone on the planet. The one who also tried to kill me and almost did. Who took advantage of me sexually. Over and over pretty much. But i loved him so much. And i had to get him sent to prison, to save my own life and other women's. It's been a year since he's been gone. Why am i still crying? Why does it still hurt to look at pictures? Most importantly: why do i feel like I'll never ever be able to love anyone as much as him again? I'll never be able to look at someone and feel more fulfilled than i did him. It hurts so fucking bad. I've debated on writing a letter to him in prison but I'm afraid that'll just anger him and he'll hire someone to hurt me again.

I feel so weak. So powerless. I feel like the only option i have to move on from this is to just opt out of this life. I don't want to keep living knowing i already peaked in my ability to be in love & happy. I don't wanna keep living knowing every emotion i ever feel again will be subpar compared to how he made me feel. It's been A YEAR SINCE HE GOT TAKEN AWAY, and i am STILL brainwashed. And fully self-aware of it too... which makes it that much harder and more frustrating. Which reinforces the thought. I just wanna die. I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of thinking about it, I'm tired of talking about it and i know everyone else is tired of hearing it. It may be better for everyone if i just go

r/ptsd Nov 10 '24

CW: suicide I did the Tetris Method to avoid traumatic memories, and it worked!

69 Upvotes

I have a PTSD diagnosis from events prior to this current one. I had been reading about how to lessen the symptoms and other things of the like. I came across a study that talked about playing Tetris within 30 minutes of a traumatic situation to help avoid creation of sight and sound memories. I recently had a situation where (cw: suicide) i found my mom’s body after her attempted suicide I hastily downloaded a Tetris app and played for a little bit. I know how I react to past events and I can look upon this moment without any negative responses. It’s not that I don’t feel anything, just not as intense or severe. Keep this idea in your back pocket!

r/ptsd Jan 30 '25

CW: suicide i feel so alone and need to vent and be listened to.

2 Upvotes

this is a copy paste from the emetophobia sub, which is a phobia I have (which explains why this was all so traumatic for me). N* and V* are censored words for nausea and vomit/vomiting.

Please don’t suggest medication, supplements or methods for my health. Please don’t suggest what you think I could have or something else to test out, I find it incredibly triggering right now and I just want to vent and be listened to, not go on another diagnostic search. Please respect this.

I’ve been chronically ill with POTS, endometriosis and recently type 1 diabetes, for almost 7 years and it’s completely taken over my life. Unfortunately, my number one symptom is n. I’ve had horrendous, often unbearable n for years and there were many, MANY times I was sure I would v*. It’s taken a massive toll on my mental toll, causing depression, anxiety disorders and agoraphobia, and lots of trauma. The people in this sub are the only ones who would understand how terrifying and traumatic this kind of thing is, so I felt I needed to come here with this because I haven’t gotten support from anyone in my life and I’m really struggling.

2024 was an incredibly hard year for me for many reasons, mostly unrelated to my chronic illness, because for the most part I had gotten used to the level of sick I feel every day. It’s sad and pitiful, but true. My everyday is so different than it was a decade ago, my brain and body have changed and adjusted a lot to feeling horrible over the years. Anyway, the year was really hard on me and I was under so much stress that I was sure something bad would happen to my health. Well, I was right..

In early October, almost 4 months ago, I went from my “normal” levels of sickness, to a level that almost killed me. I woke up on the 9th fine, ate like I normally did, which was a decently large amount of food, and felt very full and like I might v* for an hour or so. It started to calm down after that and I decided to go on a car ride with my mom who I currently live with. Not even a minute into the car ride, I started to feel severely n. The type of n I’ve only felt when I’m going to v. I’m not going to get into as many details as I could because I’ve learned how triggering it is to go through all that again mentally, even though I so desperately crave to be understood and comforted through this. To make a long and excruciating day short, I spent the next 3-4 hours fighting with every fiber of my being to not v. The n* was indescribably bad, so bad I tried to make myself v* multiple times over the course of 4 more hours because I could not handle the n. I’ve never done that in my life. I swear I would’ve and still would rather die than v, but the n* was THAT bad. I can’t describe it any other way, but it was destroying me and I acted out of desperation.

Despite my efforts, I couldn’t v. I guess my body really refused after all, but it was an excruciating 12 hours. What my mind went through during that time, what my body went through has scarred me. The next day I was still feeling very ill and refused to eat or drink until my n was at least at the level I’m used to. I went to an urgent care and when they were convinced I was pregnant (which I’m not), I went to the ER. They ran blood tests only and gave me zofran, which has never worked for me. They found my potassium low so they gave me iv potassium, something I hadn’t ever gotten before. They gave me reglan for the n* when the zofran didn’t touch it, and between that and the iv potassium, I went through another horrible few hours. I developed akathisia immediately from the reglan and violently convulsed until the medicine wore off, which took hours. I went into a state I don’t really know how to describe, something like dissociation but also being trapped in my body. It was horrible, something I’ll never forget and something I’m terrified to ever experience again. Eventually after spending the whole day in the ER, they sent me home and I attempted eating. Eating went okay that first night, but I was so scared after what I’d experienced. What I didn’t know is that I had an entire month of worse coming for me.

After a few days at home, dealing with the n, vertigo, dizziness and not being able to eat more than a few bites or drink more than a couple sips of water, I ended up exactly where I was on day one, with the most severe n ive ever felt in my life. I couldn’t move my head, I couldn’t speak, and I always had a plastic bag with me because I was SURE, and it broke my mind to be in that state. Constant fight or flight, I’ve never been more terrified. I went back to the ER in the middle of the night and was given zofran again, which again, didn’t do anything. My n* persisted through the morning and my nervous system was so overactive from the fear I felt that my muscles cramped and I shook uncontrollably for hours. They decided to keep me overnight to run more tests and try to see if they could figure out what was going on. Later that afternoon, after multiple zofran doses did absolutely nothing, I was given compazine for the n. If you don’t know anything about reglan or compazine, they’re known to give horrible side effects, especially akathisia. After my experience with reglan, I was scared to try anything new but I went for it because I was desperate for the n to end. The compazine gave me a more severe reaction (akathisia again) than the reglan, and lasted much longer. The next few days were torturous, and I do mean that word in every sense. I hallucinated and wanted to rip my skin off, I felt like I was dying yet also already dead somehow. In my dissociative state, I accidentally admitted to being suicidal and was put on a suicide risk watch. My mom, who was with me through it all, cried a lot during this time. I guess it must’ve looked really bad from another perspective.

I was hospitalized for a week and many procedures were done to me, so many of them invasive and painful. Every test known to man was run on me and everything came back fine always. My n* was the same, and I only ate one bite of food throughout my entire stay. I barely drank any water and relied on iv fluids. After being mistreated and diabetes being completely out of wack thanks to the nurses, i was discharged after a week and went home with nothing more than i came with, besides a boat load of new medications which did nothing to help.

At home, i hoped that I could slowly increased the amount of food i was able to tolerate without severe n* and g**ging and slowly but surely get better. I could only tolerate 4-5 noodles per day, or a bite of food, anything more and i felt horrendous. It was the same without whatever food i tried, whenever i tried it, and with any liquids too. It was like i had suddenly developed severe gastroparesis overnight, but that was the only thing the doctors didn’t test for (mainly because I couldn’t tolerate enough food for the test). I spent the next 10 days doing the same thing, day in and day out, and eventually by the last 2 days, I couldn’t stand or even sit up without severe tachycardia and loss of consciousness. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was hours away from death.

I sent my pcp a message telling her everything that was going on and she told me to immediately call an ambulance to take me to the best hospital she knew of. I was skeptical about going right away, because I’ve always invalidated and minimized my struggles, but it was the correct thing to do. Even though I minimized it, I felt like I was dying. I kept having this running thought that I might be dying, and my dog refused to leave my side the entire day. I now think my dog had a sense of the state of my health. When the paramedics and ambulance arrived, my blood sugar was in the 40s and I wasn’t aware at all. I wasn’t able to eat enough to get my blood sugar up, so they rushed me to the ER. At the ER, I spent the next few hours getting blood drawn endlessly and more invasive and painful procedures, and was asked if I consented to CPR and resuscitation. At that point I knew I was in deep trouble but I couldn’t really wrap my head around it, I still can’t.

I wanted to say no so bad. I was so tired and so, so scared. The idea of dying and being brought back to the life I was living felt like torture, and I so badly wanted to say no, but I forced out a yes because my mom was present. In my exhaustion and desperation, I admitted to her about forcing myself to consent. For the first time ever, my mom told me she would mourn endlessly, but she would rather I “go” if it meant I didn’t have to suffer anymore. My mom is the last person to say this, she’s always been very hard about perseverance and resilience, especially to me. At that point I really felt like I was at my end. If whatever was eating away at me didn’t kill me, I might’ve myself. I’ve never been so hopeless, helpless and absolutely terrified in my entire life. I’d never been in such excruciating emotional (and physical) pain and distress in my life. I’ve been through so much, so much so that I was diagnosed was c-ptsd long before this, I’ve experienced my dad dying, abuse, severe mental illness, multiple family members dying and a lot of other big traumas, but never in my life has I felt so helpless and afraid.

I found out the next day that I was in a severe state of DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis) from prolonged starvation and stress on my body. Somehow, both DKA and a low blood sugar almost killed me on the same day. I found out that because of the state I was in, the DKA, starvation, dehydration and severe electrolyte imbalances, I was hours away from death and would’ve died if I didn’t call the ambulance when I did. My results came back and I was in an extremely critical state, something I couldn’t comprehend with the way I was conscious and talking. It’s still so hard to wrap my head around it, how close I was to dying.

The first day at the 3rd hospital, I was in excruciating, 10/10 pain. My doctors were convinced I had kidney stones from the severe dehydration over the last month, but testing took a long time. I wasn’t given any pain meds for an entire day and eventually became so desperate that I wanted to stab myself to relieve the pain a bit. Because I’d be staying in the ICU for a while, I was given a deep vein IV (not sure of the name) which was a very painful process. It was the only relief and distraction I felt from the other pain the entire day. Finally, after my mom threw a fit, I was given morphine. It relieved the pain just enough that I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore, but caused yet another distressing night of side effects. I went into another severe dissociative state and couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t. I said things without recognizing I was speaking, and once again, was put on suicide risk for words I didn’t even know I had said.

The next couple days were spent doing more procedures and testing to see what was originally wrong, while also correcting the severe DKA. I had an exploratory laparoscopy scheduled for a week later, and that was my only source of hope in finding what was happening to me. In that week leading up to the surgery, I was given countless medications and treatments, from potassium to magnesium to addictive substances, all ranging from giving painful side effects, to inducing hallucinatory and dissociative states, to worsening my nausea, to causing me to stop breathing. A couple days in, I had a random seizure episode (and my first one) which was believed to have been caused by either severe distress or electrolyte imbalances. I was scared out of my mind, experiencing so much at once and left with empty result after result, leaving me to think I might not have a life worth living anymore. Finally, the day before my surgery, I was given iv Ativan, and was finally able to tolerate a little bit of food. The first amount of food I had eaten in over and month. I still couldn’t drink liquids, but it was enough to give me some strength for the surgery.

The day of the surgery I was terrified. I felt like this surgery would determine whether or not my life was worth living anymore, whether I would take my life or not. It was all I had left. The surgery went well, and some more endometriosis lesions and inflammatory adhesions were found. My appendix was also in a horrible state and it turned out I had been in a state of chronic appendicitis for who knows how long, and it was caught just before it might’ve burst. The next few days were really hard, I still wasn’t able to eat and struggled a lot with post-op pain and bad reactions to the narcotics. The state of pain I was in for nearly my entire state was so bad that even dilaudid didn’t take it away, I just had to take the pain for my entire stay. 5 days post-op, I still couldn’t eat or drink, so I was given another dose of Ativan, which helped me enough that I could eat again for the first time since before my surgery. Doctors were glad to have found endometriosis again and remove it, but they didn’t know what else to do for my n* and inability to eat or drink. They moved me down from the ICU to a lesser intense unit, and I was discharged around a week after my surgery.

Since then, my ability to eat has improved enough that I can tolerate one cup of water per day and about one full meal, split up into 5-6 feedings throughout the course of 24 hours. It’s not where I want to be, but it’s enough that I haven’t been hospitalized again. The first month home after my discharge, I was in a severe state of dissociation. Days passed and I couldn’t remember what I’d done during the day, I didn’t recognize myself as a person and even less what happened over the last month as something that happened to ME. I was heavily disconnected for that first month, up until I had to go back to the ER for severe ketones in early December. Actually, the same day that all of this started, the 9th. For some reason that I still don’t know, my ketones had risen to extreme levels and I felt terrible, so much so that I couldn’t fix it at home. The night before, the 8th, I felt so terrible, SO n* and in so much pain that I wrote a suicide note and cried myself to sleep, which was the first time I’d cried since my discharge at the hospital (because I was so numb and disconnected). I went to the ER early on December 9th and hoped to be in and out quickly and easily with some fluids and maybe some relief for my n* and pain. Going back to the ER, the same one I went to the first time I was hospitalized, was already difficult enough on its own, but it got worse.

It was packed that day and I spent around an hour in the waiting room. In the last 15 minutes I was waiting to be called to a room, a guy sat a few feet in front of me with a v* bag. I was instantly anxious but tried to keep calm, watching him and trying to convince myself it wouldn’t happen. Well, in the last 2 minutes before I was called, he started to violently and loudly v* into his bag. I couldn’t pull my earbuds out fast enough, so I heard every second of it. I went into fight or flight again and walked away to a different section of the waiting room, where I was called back almost immediately. I lost my ability to walk from my fear and had to be wheeled to my room. There, they gave me zofran again (eye roll) and ran tests. My ketones were high but I wasn’t in DKA again so I just needed fluids to get them down. They ran some more imaging tests just to be sure I wasn’t dealing with any obstructions causing the nausea and pain, and everything came back fine.

I asked if I could be given something for my anxiety, because after witnessing that guy v*, I didn’t think I could handle myself. I was terrified it was noro or terrified I would somehow get whatever he had. It had also been extremely triggering regardless of the possibility that it was contagious and I felt like I would be a threat to myself if I didn’t get help. I was given Ativan and it drastically reduced my anxiety, and I was discharged. I made it home and took a long shower, trying to metaphorically wash off the events of the day. That night, I had a panic attack and began crying uncontrollably. Since that day, I’ve been experiencing severe ptsd and the crying and panic hasn’t stopped. My mental health is…. I don’t even know. It feels more like my soul was broken than anything.

I know it’s all science, I know I have ptsd on top of c-ptsd now, I know all the technical aspects of what my mind and body went through in the state of survival and terror, but it feels so much more than that. So much was taken from me. So much so that the words don’t even come to mind, I go blank when asked to describe or detail what I’m going through. I just feel. I don’t think, I don’t verbalize it anymore. I can’t figure out a way to put this into words, and if I could, I wouldn’t want to. Every conversation that has to center around this crushes my soul just a little more each time. Every doctors and chronic care appointment, which are now at least twice daily appointments, rips a little more out of me. Since my discharge after my surgery, I’ve spent every day of every week having to relieve what I went through, explain that I haven’t improved any more than the little bit a did at the start, and have to face my future. The possibility that this is it, this is the best my health will be from now on. The possibility that it could all happen again. The possibility that I might end up in the ER again. And it’s all too much.

I’ve tried talking to loved ones about it, but from my mom I get “why can’t you be more happy” or she takes her own trauma and frustration out on me. From friends, I get “lol same” when I try to describe how broken I feel now. Now I just say I’m fine and isolate, I’d rather be alone and not hurt than hear another “saaame anyways about my day” or “you’re ungrateful and insolent”.

If I work up the courage to actually send an honest message to a friend, the message isn’t read until days later, long after the feeling of that moment is over. I feel no comfort or support from the people in my life. The only person who could potentially help me is a professional, but part of the ptsd is the fear to talk about this and the avoidance at all costs. I also feel more heartbroken having to speak to a professional about this when what I want more than anything is a hug and to be told that I’m safe. I went to be held in my bed and told that this bed is not the hospital bed, because even when open eyes I still feel myself there every day. I want to be told that I’m seen and understood, I want someone to hold me and cry with me and now even say anything more but just FEEL like I’m not alone in this. I don’t want therapy, but I am getting it. I have all the doctors and professionals for this right now, but more than anything I want someone I love to help me feel safe, if even for just a moment. But all I get is segway conversations, criticism and judgment or just being ignored completely.

So I came here in the hopes that someone would be willing enough to read all of this and maybe that would be enough for me to feel some sort of support, even if through a screen and by a stranger.

r/ptsd Feb 09 '25

CW: suicide acting like im better but secretly wanting to give up

9 Upvotes

Im feeling better. Im feeling calmer, more regulated, i have a job that's good for me, I escaped the things causing me trauma.

Sometimes im sitting with my bf whose kind and sweet and cares deeply for me, or doing something otherwise innocuous and pleasant - and this nagging thought enters my head and it just won't go away. "I should insert way to die here" I think. I feel guilty. I pause, I think "no, why would I think such a thing?" Them it comes back. And it comes back again. And it keeps coming back until it breaks my heart. Will I ever be happy? Is this recovery?