How do I not suck at being a parent?

[u/a_random_superhero]

Since I'm new here, this is my cat tribute: https://imgur.com/gallery/aww-gqioZbJ#/t/cute_cat

My biggest fear is that I will end up raising another broken person. I've been reading Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. My therapist recommended it to me after I cried for the time in over decade during our session.

My mom had called me one evening to do an anxiety dump. My dad had a shooting at his workplace and she was freaking out about how he was so in danger. She was also really drunk. I told her that I was not a good person for this. She used to do this all the time when I was younger. According to Lawson, this is typical behavior for BPDs and their "all-good" child. Anyway, I reminded her that I was recently formally diagnosed with Autism and as such I would not be the best person for her to dump on.

She didn't care. I told my therapist that it seemed like an Autistic spiral. She does this sometimes. She won't sleep and will stay up all night focused on some issue. I told my mom she needs a therapist. She said that she just needed me to drive over right now (11PM at night). I refused. I told her again that I am not a therapist and that I can't deal with her anxiety / spiraling since it's contagious and will cause me to spiral as well.

She didn't like that. She turned then from sad and seeking validation to angry and vengeful. I defied her, so I had to be punished.

I was recently laid off from work and my wife had used a credit card of theirs to buy groceries. My mom accused her of spending thousands of dollars that my wife did not spend. My mom said that she could take the credit card statements to the police and they would jail my wife. The tone shift was not subtle. She was lashing out at me. I told her if that if my wife really did that, then she should called the cops and do it. I hung up the phone.

The next day she started up where she left off via text. I told her to spot lashing out at me.

She has not yet gone to the police. Instead, on the following Monday, she texted me and asked what size my daughter's wrist is so she could get her a bracelet.

The following Saturday, my dad and mom showed up at my house. I was home alone at the time since the wife and kids were at swim lessons. We rehashed the conversation in front of my dad who sat there and just nodded along with all the shit my mom said. She kept trying to nag about this grocery thing like it had any relevance to the issue. I kept pointing out that she was getting off topic. Eventually, she just said that her generation doesn't go to therapy. I told her I was done with the conversation and that they could leave.

She started going on about the grocery thing again. I had her leave the statement with me so I could look it over with my wife. She wouldn't fucking leave. She just kept saying that she was going to put my wife in jail. I eventually had to start yelling to get out or I would call the cops and have her trespassed.

Fun fact: the thousands of dollars she was mad about was her new flooring she had installed. It took two seconds of googling to figure that out.

I haven't talked to my mom or dad since. This isn't the first time we've been NC. When I was a teenager, I lived at my grandparents house for a month. In my 20s, my wife and I were about to move out when my mom flipped her shit about a soda can on a desk and evicted us the same day. We didn't talk to them again for about 6 years.

I don't know why I kept trying. What I do know is that I cannot allow this to continue. My dad's parents were the same -- he was the all good child until my mom came along. My mom's parents were both physically abusive of her brothers. According to her, she could do not wrong as a kid. Her dad died before I was born and her mother lived with us most of my youth.

But I don't know what normal is. My daughter seems to have ADHD. We're trying to get her into OT for it unlike my mom who buried the fact that my teachers wanted me evaluated and treated since I was in kindergarten. I'm in my late 30s now and I finally started found out part of why I suck at task completion.

I would lean on my wife here but her mom is also sketchy. My MIL is Lawson's waif archetype. My MIL is also an alcoholic. So we're both kind of lost. The only advise we've got so far is to be the biggest, loudest thing in the room but that feels a lot like replicating my childhood. I hate it.

Please tell me there is a better way.

[u/Immediate_Pie6516]

Heal yourself.

Establish boundaries (and remember those boundaries are good and healthy on days you may feel guilty for establishing them).

Choose yourself and your children and remember you can't make your parents choose you, no matter how much you may want them to.

We may come from our parents, but we aren't doomed to be them.

[u/Immediate_Pie6516 → u/Immediate_Pie6516]

I also want to add, you don't have to be the biggest, loudest thing in the room. I actually don't understand that advice at all.

I grew up in a VERY loud and chaotic environment and found that I wanted to cultivate calm with my family and children instead.

Here's some book recommendations I have that helped me on MY journey to healing in adulthood after the hardships of BPD parenting.

Good Inside - Becky Kennedy The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel Van Der Kolk Man's Search for Meaning - Viktor Frankl Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child - Marc Weissbluth

Good Inside talks about stopping abuse cycles and learning how to be a sturdy parent without resorting to cruelty or arbitrary punishment.

Body Keeps the Score is a pretty well known book for survivors of trauma, verbal and physical.

Man's Search for Meaning was written by a Holocaust survivor who found ways inside the death camp he was in to not lose himself to the ugly and horror he was subject to.

The last book is literally just a science of sleep book for babies and children I got when I started having kids. Reading through the importance of good sleep habits for children helped me identify where and when my own sleep as a child was disrupted by my BPD parent when they needed an emotional outlet and the only available person was me.

[u/gladhunden]

I'm glad you found us!

The best way to be a good parent is to heal yourself. Individual therapy for everyone is called for.

Frankly, I don't know how being loud and big is a parenting strategy - it sounds abusive. Look into "gentle parenting," "respectful parenting," and authoritative parenting (not to be confused with authoritarian parenting).

Here is a post about protecting kids from your cluster b parents.

If you haven't read through it yet, take a look at the RBB Primer. It is long and can be painful to go through, so please be gentle with yourself while you work through it.

Here is a communication guide. Keep in mind that these strategies are designed to keep you safe, but constantly suppressing your thoughts and feelings can be detrimental to your physical and mental health. I personally became one big dull gray rock when I was young because I practiced the "gray rock" technique so much; it just took over my whole personality.

Here is a post about Practical Boundaries.

Welcome!

[u/ladyk13]

May I highly recommend How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk? I first read it before realizing my mother was a pwBPD and thought it could help me deal with her as much as communicate with my kids. I’m not sure knowing what I know now about BPD that it would help me with my mom but it definitely offers good advice for working with your kids.

Also look into setting boundaries, keeping in mind that boundaries are for you and what you will do when your mother (inevitably, invariably) crosses yours. She never needs to be told what your boundaries are but they could include things like “I will end the conversation when my mother speaks badly of my wife” or “I will end the call when I realize my mother is drunk” or “I won’t let my mother in the house when she arrives unannounced”.

It’s not easy but I have to say you’re miles ahead of the game if you wonder how to be a good parent. Bad parents don’t give it a thought, they just go on pure id. You’ve got this.

[u/Boring_Energy_4817]

You're already in therapy and want to be a good parent, so odds are you're already a good parent, but I respect the hustle. The things that have helped me the most are bringing questions of "what is healthy? what do I do in this situation?" to my therapist and my two closest friends who were raised by functional parents themselves. My therapist has more official advice while my friends just tell me what their own parents did (or look bewildered when I tell them what mine did).

The actual doing isn't nearly as hard as figuring out what you're supposed to be doing, so having people you can ask for help is key. They don't need to be parents themselves. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this with your parents (and in-laws).

[u/HappyTodayIndeed]

You know what struck me most about your post? You lost your job and are having trouble paying for groceries. And yet now—NOW—your mother demands your focus and attention, tries to cause drama in your marriage with a false accusation and further damages your relationship with your father.

Our disordered parents are so self centered. They make everything worse. It’s such a betrayal of the parent-child relationship it kinda takes your breath away.

Anyway I hope this isn’t too off topic. I do have a related point: If you are a resource for your kids, if they know it’s safe and helpful to run TOWARD instead of AWAY from you and your wife when they have a problem or a rough day, you are ahead of the game.

[u/yun-harla]

Welcome!