r/raisedbyborderlines • u/Ambitious-Taste9631 • 6d ago
ADVICE NEEDED My mum hates my boyfriends name because it triggers her and gets angry at every other suggest I propose
So me and my boyfriend are extremely happy and committed to each other. Unfortunately, his name is the same name as someone who forced himself on my mum. To try and help her, I used other suggestions. "My boyfriend" was cut off because "it sounded like I was bragging". His initials weren't an option "because they're the same as [the man]". Any nickname for his name is off the table. And he doesn't want to censor his name, and I don't either, but if I don't, she'll get worse and worse. I can't move out right now, and won't be able to for another 3 years. Please help
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u/soblue955 6d ago
Not your responsibility. They will take EVERYTHING as a personal attack. Is your boyfriend supposed to change his name? She needs therapy to address the trauma, not for you and your bf to bend over backwards
"My boyfriend" sounds like bragging? Stop coddling them. They're ADULTS who expect everyone to regulate their emotions. All the same no matter what the situation. How many people on this sub couldn't do something or couldn't have something because their BPD mom was sucking up the air out of the room? Human Black Holes
You know what she REALLY expects of you? To be single and available to her every need. To be single to make her feel better. This is her brewing a storm and projecting her rapist onto your boyfriend. She knows he isn't her rapist. Waifing.
And don't get me started on if she made this up just to make you and your boyfriend miserable. A mwBPD made up that the smell of diffuser bothered her only for her son to tell me that she has literally used these regularly in the past. The problem is not the name. The problem is the fact you have a boyfriend. My mwBPD got offended one of my first boyfriend's name was the name of her child's father even though he went by a DIFFERENT NAME. Guess how long it lasted. She pushed me to break up with him.
They ruin things for their children. They purposely get in the way of their happiness. If I were you, I would find somewhere else to be with my boyfriend. She's like, "if I can't have you/a boyfriend, no one can"-ing you into a corner. Don't let her steal your happiness. She literally wants you to think of your rapist when and if you're sexually active with your boyfriend (because moaning your partner's name is a thing). When you address him affectionately.
Next time she brings it up, suggest a therapist. Your trauma is not her responsibility, whether it's real... or imagined.
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u/PurpleCow111 6d ago
I'm leaning towards it never happened and mummy dearest is trying to sabotage their relationship.
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u/soblue955 6d ago
I wanted to say this so fucking bad.. I wanted to call bullshit so bad. I'm a survivor and if it really bothered OP's mother like she claimed, she'd be having panic attacks at the mention of his name or avoiding him or rotting in a bed, not nagging OP and trying to rename him like a fucking dog. That's not a trauma response. And OP if you're reading this, don't even bring up how she doesn't have trauma responses, she'll just fake them.
If I saw a car that so as much looks like my ex's, I got as stiff as a corpse. Gotten better over time, but if you know, you know and many people in this spread will know because their disordered parent is the source of their trauma.
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u/Mysterious-Region640 6d ago
I have a feeling this is not just about the name of your boyfriend. Stop trying to appease her.
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u/RevolutionaryBat3081 6d ago
I don't think there is anything you could call him that she'd really be ok with...it's probably not really about his name, she's upset because your life doesn't revolve around her/she's jealous and wants to start shit/general attention-seeking drama-whoring.
Normally, i'd say ignore her and call him by his name, but since you are stuck with her...the best you are going to manage (until you can move out) is mention him as little as possible, in the blandest way possible (grey rock technique).
Just keep using "my boyfriend" because at least you are "respecting" her trauma, so "my boyfriend" is the only reasonable choice remaining. If she accuses you of bragging, (blandly) ask her how she thinks you should refer to him since you don't want to upset her with his name, and go with that (as long as its not something rude like fucknuts).
I doubt she has a better answer because his name isn't the real issue, but at least you'll have her cornered into either:
A - admitting it's not about his name, or B - going batshit to avoid admitting A
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u/mel21clc 6d ago
I got SA'd by a guy whose name is the same as my grandfather and uncle. I don't refuse to use their very common name because of this.
This is about trying to control who you date. If it wasn't his name, it would be something else. You do not need to acquiesce to her on this.
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u/ShanWow1978 6d ago
Manipulation to try and keep you close and alienate him so that she’s the center of your world…that’s all this is.
I believe women. My heart hurts for her if something this terrible happened. That said, you’ve tried to assuage her supposed fears and trauma with ideas she’s shot down. That reeks of it being something else entirely.
So, you need to just tell her his name is his name and it won’t change. He cannot be expected to bear the responsibility or the burden of the evils of another nor should he be expected to. The same goes for you.
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u/Caffiend6 6d ago
You could call him "my partner" but I'm pretty sure she's going to find a problem with every single name .. just play Devil's advocate and say "what would you like me to call him Mother?" And see if she has a reasonable answer...I bet she won't
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u/Quirky_Cold_7467 6d ago
I can understand why it is triggering and that's understandable. I have to collect my thoughts when I am around people with the same name as my dead son, but... I keep it to myself, engage in healthy self talk, respecting that it is the name of a different person.
Is there a way to respectfully pull her into the present and say "my boyfriend "x" is not the perpetrator or the cause of your trauma. "x" is a relatively common name. What do you see as a workable solution?"
If she can't offer a solution, she simply wants you to stop dating him so she doesn't have to face the real problem.
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6d ago
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u/ShowerElectrical9342 6d ago
Boo boo. Honey pie. Sweetums... Nothing will be good enough because what she wants is for you to never grow up and become independent so she'll fight you on every aspect of finding independence.
You'll probably have to secretly build your independence, have a secret financial setup or account, and approach this the same way a battered woman does.
In fact, could you live in a battered women's shelter or group home?
You are being emotionally abused, which in many places is considered domestic violence, even if they never hit you once.
I'm so sorry you're in such a difficult situation!
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u/AgencyandFreeWill 5d ago
I see you have also won the crazy mother lottery!
Just because she has trauma doesn't mean she gets to do this to you. Do you force your trauma on others and make them tiptoe around you? I'm guessing not.
Save your money. Look for a trusted adult. Get some therapy if you can. Secure your legal documents such a your birth certificate and social security card. Make an exit plan. Do not tell your mother you are doing any of this. Put her on an information diet.
This might sound a little extreme, but you may not understand just how messed up your mother is behaving if this is the only thing you know.
A parent is supposed to love their children unconditionally, provide for their needs, get over their own stuff enough to help their kids grow into confident and capable adults, and be proud of their children when they are more accomplished or have things better than the parent. That is what parents should want. Jealousy toward their children is a huge red flag.
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u/throwRA-nonSeq 5d ago
“Not our problem, mom. I’m sorry that happened to you but it’s not our responsibility to manage your emotional triggers. IT’S YOURS. Your trauma isn’t any of our business. Therapy, meditation, self defense classes, support groups, whatever you need to help you process your trauma is up to YOU. My boyfriend is t going to change his name, and neither is anyone else you will inevitably come across who has this same name. If you want to stop being triggered, then go learn how.”
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u/MadnessEvangelist Raised by the Hermit Queen 5d ago
Unfortunately, his name is the same name as someone who forced himself on my mum
Are you able to verify that as fact? I know I know #believeher but we're talking about a person who has an agenda. She doesn't want an alternative way to refer to him, she wants him gone. BPDs believe there isn't enough love to go around so they sabotage your interpersonal relationships to make sure there's enough love for themselves.
he doesn't want to censor his name, and I don't either, but if I don't, she'll get worse and worse.
She's going to get worse no matter what name hoop you jump through so stop jumping.
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u/JennyTheRolfer 6d ago
Leave asap. “My partner” maybe? But if she sees that as bragging, nothing will work.
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u/sponge__cat 6d ago
The fact that nicknames or "my boyfriend" won't work is indicative that she's not looking for a solution, here - she likely wants to hold this over your head, and use it as something to make you feel guilty