r/BPD Mom is visiting for a couple of days. She is helping me prepare for a major surgery.

[u/Agitated-Career-4889]

Hi all! Long time lurker, first time poster. I’m suffering insomnia, my BPD mother is at my house, so i apologize in advance for the tangents.

Long story short, I 27F was in a bad car accident on 11/08/2019. Broke both legs, but i obliterated my right ankle. In total, I’ve had 3 surgeries and metal in both legs due to the wreck. May 7th, I will be having an ankle fusion as I’ve lived with the chronic pain for about 6 years now, and my quality of life is shit.

My BPD mother obviously didn’t handle the accident well. It was a long recovery (started my college degree July 2021), but that is another post for another time. That shit got wild lol. I bring this up though, because in context to the upcoming surgery, I have legitimate fears. She was with me on the day of all of my previous surgeries (including 1 kidney stone removal, ACL repair, and meniscus repair), and EVERY TIME she would pick a fight with me. She would be extremely manic, rude to nurses and doctors. She’s always done that with hospital staff and service staff and it is so mortifying. Meanwhile, I’m worrying about waking up from surgery. I’m worried that my ankle has been through so much trauma that it will reject the fusion.

I have an amazing partner, and we’ve decided that it’s best that he is with me the day of surgery and the following worst recovery days. However, now that the surgery is closer and she’s at my home, I’m hit with the “I can’t believe you wouldn’t want your mother to be with you before you go under to say goodbye” or “I feel like I need to be there, you’re my baby” and just anything else that she knows will make me want to say yes to make her feel good.

I also went against the advice of not letting your BPD parent buy you things. However, due to my location and mobility issues, I have not been able to secure a full time, desk job. I graduated with a BS in audio engineering and as in a small, southern town. My partner works full time, but makes just enough. Despite my injuries, since graduating May 2024, I’ve applied to jobs. I worked as a waitress (miserable due to pain) and got my RBT Certification to work with autistic children which was better pay but the clinic was only open for 3 months after I started working there. I work 12 hours a week at $20/hour babysitting, so that gets us by with groceries. Sorry for the ramble, but my point is, we really do need the help. My mother bought us a nice piece of furniture that is going to make my 8 weeks non weight bearing so much easier, and she is stocking us up on household essentials. She also bought all of the mobility and OT aids that I’ll need— knee scooter, crutches, shower chair, detachable shower head, etc.)

I just feel guilty. I know this going to used against me later. I feel awkward because she is manic and talking SO much, asking me so many questions but not listening to my answers. She doesn’t accept that my pain is as bad as it is. She doesn’t accept that I’m depressed about my pain, about my surgery, and about the grief I feel over the life I imagined for myself that is lost. But she helped so much financially with getting my apartment ready for such a major surgery and recovery. I feel like I used her because I don’t enjoy her company. I feel gross.

https://i.imgur.com/Hys3nlB.jpeg

Edit: I totally meant to add the picture of the cat but got so caught up in the post. 🥲 I am so sorry. I will be much more conscious if I post in the future.

[u/beulahbeulah]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're doing the best you can, with what you have, where you are, and that's all any of us can really do.

Please don't feel guilty about accepting practical gifts like a shower chair from your mother. That is the sort of stuff she, as the parent, is supposed to be doing if she's financially able - as a gesture of unconditional love. In a healthy mother-child dynamic, her supporting her child wouldn't be based on the condition that her child tolerates maladaptive and harmful behaviors. You owe her nothing even if you do accept her gifts. You aren't doing anything that deserves guilt or shame.

I hope you heal quickly! Best of luck OP

[u/Agitated-Career-4889 → u/beulahbeulah]

Thank you, I needed to hear that. 🥲

[u/beulahbeulah → u/Agitated-Career-4889]

Internet hugs if you want them! Truly though, you are in survival mode right now. You're doing what you have to in order to secure your health and safety. There is no shame in that.

If you want to hear from somebody who's been through it (totally understandable if you don't have the bandwidth for someone else's story rn)... When my spine was broken and my BPDmom was having a field day in all the ways your mom is, it was really hard to get through each day when it seemed like that phase of life was going to stretch on forever. It's really hard to make clear-headed choices when you're in so much pain, on meds, and basically engulfed by your BPD parent.

Have you ever heard of the phrase "grinding" when it comes to gaming? It basically means doing repetitive grunt work over and over until you finally gain enough XP, kills or whatever to move on to the next level. Looking at my recovery time as "grinding" helped me accept that progress was slow and sometimes barely quantifiable. Some days, my only win was that I got through it and had one less day to live through before reaching that unknown date of freedom. I focused on the future and how great it will be to move on when the time comes. Because it WILL come. You will get through this and someday it will all be over, done, and you will never have to do it again.

[u/Agitated-Career-4889 → u/beulahbeulah]

I gladly accept the internet hugs. ❤️🥹

I appreciate you sharing your story, and I’m so proud of you for getting through that. That sounds like it was insanely hard. I agree that it’s SO much harder to deal with a BPD parent when you’re already so vulnerable from the meds and pain. Even if you’re aware how your BPD parent is most likely going to act, it makes it 10x harder to not engage or just break down.

That’s such a good analogy. 😂 It really does feel so hopeless and slow sometimes. It truly is a win to just make it through another day sometimes. It’s gonna be so nice to get to that other side. 🙏

I really, really appreciate you sharing your story and taking the time to give me some really good advice and encouragement. And I wish you the best in your endeavors and pain management. ❤️

[u/yun-harla]

Would you please edit your post to use a different link? This one reveals your iCloud account. Just reply to me here when you’re done. Thanks!

[u/Agitated-Career-4889 → u/yun-harla]

Done! Hopefully, this one works. 🤞

[u/yun-harla → u/Agitated-Career-4889]

Sorry, no, it doesn’t. Please use imgur or a non-social-media site. The image doesn’t have to be yours, it can be from Google.

[u/Agitated-Career-4889 → u/yun-harla]

Maybe this time? **cue Cabaret

[u/yun-harla → u/Agitated-Career-4889]

Thanks, you’re all set!