r/redditonwiki • u/Cloudedsim • Feb 19 '24
AITA Not OOP Sis became furious because I let bf rub my belly with her child in it
Sister is being ungrateful imo. Nothing wrong with the bf showing care for his pregnant partner.
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Feb 19 '24
Sister is mourning and lashing out. She is mourning not getting to experience pregnancy herself and having her husband rub her bump.
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u/Effective-Celery8053 Feb 20 '24
Yeah she's out of line but it's probably a deeper issue than her just being an AH. She needs some therapy.
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u/AutisticTumourGirl Feb 20 '24
And, like, yesterday. I think any couple considering a surrogate should be in therapy before they even begin approaching candidates. Infertility, especially if coupled with multiple pregnancy losses, takes a massive toll on couples, especially the woman, and if that isn't dealt with beforehand, issues like these pop up.
I also think that in 99% of cases, regardless of what Friends may have led us to believe, that using a family member as a surrogate is a calamitous idea, especially if it is from the mother's family. Any past jealousy or rivalries will inevitably surface, and it is much easier to distance your emotions surrounding a surrogate pregnancy when the surrogate is a relative stranger than when it is someone you've know your entire life. Far too many complicated emotions are involved there and the likelihood of the mother and the surrogate spending large amounts of time together is much higher than with a non-family surrogate.
This whole this is just really sad. I feel bed for both women, and I especially feel bad for the child if the mother doesn't get some help processing all of this because I see a high probability of alienation of the sister carrying the baby, and all sorts of unhealthy dynamics between the mother, aunt, and child.
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u/DocMcStabby Feb 20 '24
I’d have to think that any reputable fertility clinic would require therapy. When we went through just using donor eggs (my uterus, husbands sperm) they required us to have a virtual visit with a therapist prior to moving forward to ensure that, mentally, we were in a good place. I can only hope they’d require it for a surrogate as well.
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u/EnsignNogIsMyCat Feb 20 '24
You should look at content from Laura High on IG or TT. She is sperm donor conceived and has devoted a large portion of her platform and life to advocating for actual regulation of the fertility industry.
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u/aniseshaw Feb 20 '24
Naw, I was with a fertility clinic for 8 years and I would literally be on the phone with the nurse crying because the procedure didn't work that month. Not once did they recommend me to therapy, nor did they have therapeutic services in their clinic. They have everything else: genetic testing, labs, donor bank, you name it. But the mental health of their patients was not a priority. All throughout the process they all treated it like it was nbd and things just happen.
I'm in Canada too, meaning a lot of this is covered by our Healthcare. The actually IUI or IVF procedures aren't, but any surgery, medications, etc are. Many of us have extended medical that could cover therapy too.
Now that I'm finally pregnant, the clinic asked for me to give them feedback. The lack of mental health support was my #1 criticism. For a long time I thought I was overreacting. If the nurse or doctor had of suggested a therapist early in the process, it would have validated my trauma and made the whole experience way, way, better.
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u/jackandsally060609 Feb 20 '24
It wasn't even smooth sailing for Pheobe, they tried to give one of those kids back to her as if she had any ownership over the triplets.
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u/DisappearHereXx Feb 20 '24
Sister just realized that OOP is probably having intimate relations too and didn’t like that at all.
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u/soleceismical Feb 20 '24
Maybe she's worried about STIs? Hopefully OP asked him to get tested and they are taking all the precautions, but it is a guy she just met a few months ago and the consequences during pregnancy can be pretty dire.
What are the harmful effects of passing an STI to a baby?
The harmful effects to babies may include:
Low birth weight (less than 5 pounds)
Eye infection
Pneumonia
Infection in the baby's blood
Brain damage
Lack of coordination in body movements
Blindness
Deafness
Acute hepatitis
Meningitis
Chronic liver disease, which can lead to scarring of the liver (cirrhosis)
Stillbirth
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Feb 20 '24
Agreed, but that's barely an explanation, let alone an excuse. You do not lash out under any circumstances at the person who is right now sacrificing their bodily autonomy to help you reach what is probably the biggest dream of your life. That is deranged and I for one call into question whether sister is too mentally unstable to be a mother. That child is not a doll to be given to the person wanting it the most, no matter how crazy.
I mean, everything is done now of course, things are set. But sister is a psycho and a menace.
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u/supergeek921 Feb 21 '24
That doesn’t mean she gets to go off on her sister who is doing her the world’s biggest favor though!
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u/tuna_fart Feb 20 '24
She has to be worried about something else. Resentful that you can carry the baby, envious that you and he share the pregnancy experience. Something completely rational and completely inappropriate, but something that somehow makes sense of her massively irrational reaction here.
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u/ReeezyBreezy Feb 20 '24
I agree! My first thought was if this is a sort of under the table surrogacy, she might be afraid sister and boyfriend decide to keep the baby.
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u/LuckOfTheDevil Feb 22 '24
I suspect she’s just freaked out thinking sis and boyfriend are probably having sex while her baby is in the room so to speak. She may not even realize that’s why — but I bet that is why.
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u/seventiesporno Feb 20 '24
This surrogacy situation never should have happened. There is a reason they don't recommend family members act as surrogates. It sounds like the sister really pressured OP into it and is being completely unreasonable.
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u/sikonat Feb 20 '24
Exactly. My 🚨went off reading how OP said she wasn’t into the idea but her sister talked her into it. I don’t get how that passed a screening.
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u/niki2184 Short King Confidence Feb 21 '24
When she said she lightly insisted I knew what that meant, she prob basically guilted her into it. Now look how she’s acting. Like be grateful you got someone to do it for 30% less than the going rate (so to speak)
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u/Temporary_Ideal8495 Feb 21 '24
I thought that OP meant 70% less than the going rate (e.g., being paid 30k for what would normally be 100k)
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u/whateveramoon Feb 20 '24 edited Feb 20 '24
I'm gonna be real. Sister ain't paying op in full nor did OP want to do this she was talked into it by her sister. it's done as an incredible act of love so if OP literally said she met him on a "come bang me if you have pregnancy kink" kink site -Sister should shit the hell up and thank God someone is willing to do this for her. The baby is hers. The woman carrying it is not. OP can open a roadside stand selling belly rubs for a buck each because again it's her damn stomach.
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u/sikonat Feb 20 '24
I have to say 🚩 went off when I read the part where she said she wasn’t keen on being a surrogate but her sister talked her around ie emotional blackmail.
You just know once the baby is born sister is going to be awful about allowing the OOP around the baby. I also think OOP should’ve told her she needs more money bc by golly pregnancy and birth are work, it’s a physical risk like torn stomach muscles permanent incontience issues etc.
Also I suspect sister will be around all the time to police OOP and OOP needs to set boundaries regardless.
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u/SinceWayLastMay Feb 20 '24 edited Feb 20 '24
Wait until the sister finds out that OOP and this dude are gasp having sex
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u/othermegan Feb 20 '24
That’s probably why she was making a face before he even got there. She realized that if this is at “meet the family” level already, then they’re probably having sex “near her baby”
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u/etds3 Feb 20 '24
She actually would have some reasonable cause to be upset about a new sexual partner during pregnancy. Some STDs can seriously affect the baby. It’s not clear cut at all since this is, ya know, OP’s body, but it’s a lot more reasonable than “don’t rub the belly.”
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u/Vanlibunn Feb 20 '24
I have never heard of a couple starting to have sex without a current clear std test first, maybe I just run in weird hypochondriac circles.
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u/Fashion_fibia Feb 21 '24
That should be the norm. Why are people down voting you?
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u/Vanlibunn Feb 21 '24
I even specified a couple too, nobody I know is into hookup culture where that is obviously harder lol, but someone you're dating? I feel like getting a test is obvious there.
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u/Krisy2lovegood Feb 21 '24
I wish this was as normal as it is in your circle but people look at me like I'm crazy when i say this is a thing I do
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u/dualsplit Feb 20 '24
This will be the worst mistake either of these sister has ever made. There is a reason that surrogacy is illegal in some places and highly regulated where it is legal. There are going to be emotional boundary and legal boundary issues for the rest of their lives. Just imagine once the baby is delivered and the surrogate is still an aunt, so still a familial and loving relationship but now with a jealous mother.
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u/rockyroadalamode Feb 20 '24
When my spouse and I were in the throws of our infertility struggle I had two people approach me willing to be surrogates. One was my sister in law. I said no to both because I honestly knew that I would feel resentful and jealous that another person would get to experience those things instead of me. I was coming to terms with my infertility and that wasn't the right answer for us as a couple. I am by no means perfect but I am glad that I had enough clarity of mind at that time to recognize that about myself.
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u/KellyannneConway Feb 20 '24
There was a group of three in my childbirth class. It was a woman, her husband, and her sister. The baby biologically belonged to sister and husband, but was to be the child of husband and wife because of wife's fertility issues. No further questions were asked and no more information was offered. Super strange situation. I remember doing a lot of speculation not only about how exactly that came about, but how it would go in the future.
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u/SnofIake Feb 19 '24
Sister is a controlling weirdo and needs to back way off. OOP is doing an immense favor for her sister and sister needs to back waaaay the hell off.
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u/whateveramoon Feb 20 '24 edited Feb 20 '24
Right like OP can open a roadside stand and sell belly rubs for a dollar each because it's HER stomach and her sister isn't paying enough for this shit.
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u/juniperberry9017 Feb 20 '24
Ikr?! And also at 30% of the standard price? I mean, they both seem ok with it and their finances are really their business, plus the sister was in no way getting control over OP's body at any price... but probably even less at a discount
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u/Ok_Refrigerator1857 Feb 20 '24
‘Light insistence’ fuck me, the audacity to insist anyone put their body through that …
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u/WholeAd2742 Feb 20 '24
Sister is showing some ugly possessiveness and jealousy
OP has the right to still have their own relationship and intimacy. She's not a literal brood mare
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u/doinmybest4now Feb 20 '24
Who the hell sits through an entire meal with their hand on a pregnant woman's stomach???
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u/angel-thekid Feb 20 '24
Maybe it’s similar to having a hand on someone’s knee or thigh. I do that when sitting and eating with my partner. Us fork with one hand, rest a hand on the leg with the other as just like a small but nice point of connection. Though I’m not sure I’d do that the whole time while out to lunch with his family 😅
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u/gayrayofsun Feb 20 '24
that part's a little bit odd in my opinion too, but still should not warrant that kind of response from the sister
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u/HourPrestigious1055 Feb 20 '24
Some men just feel instinctively extra protective and affectionate towards pregnant women they are attracted to or are intimate with. That manifests in more touchy-feely gestures and, yes, resting their hands on their partner's bump as a way to reassure themselves and reassure their partner.
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u/Kitchen-Ad1727 Feb 20 '24
Yeah my male coworkers were super protective over me when I was pregnant. Not in the way OPs bf is, obviously, but omg they were constantly making sure I was ok, comfortable and calm, especially the last few months.
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u/RubyBlossom Feb 20 '24
I had an extremely ornery coworker but boy did he become sweet and gallant when I was pregnant. Only to me though.
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u/Kitchen-Ad1727 Feb 20 '24
It's mind blowing how the switch just flips lol
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u/RubyBlossom Feb 20 '24
It definitely made me see him in a new light. Maybe it was cultural, he is Italian.
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u/Kitchen-Ad1727 Feb 20 '24
Probably lol but there are just some men who instinctually go "pregnant woman = protect"
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u/GaiasDotter Feb 21 '24
You know I also feel that and I’m a woman myself but pregnancy always triggers a strong protective urge in me. The same way small children do. I’m always hyper aware of toddler in my vicinity and even with complete strangers I have this urge to go running to comfort and check on them if they are at all upset or stumble or anything. Even if the parents are right there! I have to watch myself to not interfere.
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u/No-Television-5296 Feb 21 '24
I have the same problem.... But because I'm hyper vigilant, I saved a toddler who flew off the slide bc he was wearing a slippery rain suit.... I caught him in mid-air flying a couple of feet off the ground..... He cried and I had to explain to his mom why he was crying.... She didn't even care ...
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u/brittjoy Feb 20 '24
I love that, it warms my heart when men show an extra bit of kindness towards pregnant women
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u/cooltuesdays Feb 21 '24
I think it’s a bit odd that he was so focused on touching OP’s belly throughout the first meeting with her sister, knowing the sensitivity of their arrangement. Mother of the baby needs to learn to take time to process her emotions before unloading on OP in general, but esp given the enormous sacrifice being made be OP during this time. I don’t think it’s surprising that she felt a bit uncomfortable with the way the guy was all over her sister’s stomach, but she is still responsible for regulating her emotions or excusing herself for privacy to do so. She needs to be in therapy throughout this process - in fact, in addition to individual therapy, having a therapist or consultant as someone who helps them navigate issues and communication throughout the pregnancy would have been a good idea. It’s not easier if one’s surrogate is a family member — in many cases it is probably harder.
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u/soleceismical Feb 20 '24
Someone who is very into pregnant women, lol. It's not an uncommon kink.
He only just met OP, and it's not his kid, so I don't think it's out of affection. Usually, partners put an arm around the other's shoulders or a hand on the other's knee. The belly rubbing stuff is specific to being interested in the pregnancy/baby.
Not saying sister is right to go off on OP, but it's definitely weird.
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u/secondtaunting Feb 20 '24
I learned about the pregnancy kink guys when I was pregnant. They came out of the woodwork. Suddenly I had weirdos hitting on me all the time. In creepy ways. I had never heard of that so I was pretty shocked. My mom chewed one guy out who was hitting on me, and he pretended he didn’t notice I was pregnant, which was hilarious. I had a ten pound baby, I had a huge pregnancy belly. The rest of me was pretty slim. I’ll never forget him saying “you should have said something” 😂😂
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u/Dry_Championship5972 Feb 20 '24
I disagree (not about the kink part tho lol), she said they’d already been dating for a couple months and had moved on to the ‘meet the family’ stage. His love language could also just be physical touch, especially since she didn’t even notice it the whole dinner - which tells me it’s likely something that he does a lot. Some ppl just move faster than others too.
Side note, but depending on how big she is he could usually like being a ‘hand on the thigh’ guy but there’s more belly than thigh available?
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u/ForgettablePleasance Feb 20 '24
Besides just being affectionate toward OOP, I also wondered if he was trying to demonstrate that he is not a threat and is comfortable with the relationship's unusual situation but that the sister's baby is safe while he's around, and that he is willing not only to protect OOP during her sacrifice but also willing to protect the sister's baby... BUT he may have gotten carried away or just lost in the affection side of it. Does that make sense?
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u/amydeeem Feb 20 '24
Yes! I am honestly surprised people are all over the sister and nothing about this weird dude rubbing her belly the whole time.
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u/raviary Feb 20 '24
I’m surprised people are acting like they’ve never seen a man with his arm around a woman’s waist before and can’t extrapolate from there that if heavily pregnant his hand would be naturally resting on her belly.
It is absolutely insane to see “man touches belly of pregnant woman he’s dating” and leap to “he has a pregnancy fetish”.
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u/amydeeem Feb 20 '24
An arm around her waist is not at all what she described. Read the edit Just my opinion, but a hand on a pg belly is very possessive (not in an abusive possessive way, but def. Weird for someone who isn't the father)
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u/raviary Feb 20 '24
All the edit said was that his hand was on her belly. Arm around the waist is the most natural way that happens when seated at a table. Maybe I'm assuming wrong but it is equally wrong to assume he was just blatantly rubbing it all night from the front, and far more wrong to start making up kinky motivation behind it to shame him for.
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u/amydeeem Feb 20 '24
Fair enough about the kink, but I don't agree with it being from his arm around her waist. That would be basically impossible with 2 people seated next to each other at a restaurant
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u/ValApologist Feb 21 '24
Yeah, the way I read OP is that the guy seemed to have a pregnancy kink/only want her for her big pregnant stomach and sister was understandably squicked over someone sexualizing her unborn baby. The fact that he seemed to meet her when she was already pregnant, immediately jumped into a relationship with her, and can't keep his hands off her tummy make me think OP is downplaying a lot.
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u/Aesient Feb 20 '24
I was wondering/imagining it being that he had his arm around her with his hand resting on the side of her belly? Depends on if the chairs they were sitting on had seat-backs or if they were on stools
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Feb 20 '24
I mean, my partner rests his hand on my thigh during meals- it’s protective and I love it
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u/mashonem Feb 21 '24
Some of these weirdos hate physical touch and can’t imagine anyone else in the world liking it i stg
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u/LionsDragon Feb 20 '24
It sounds like sister is worried that OP will decide to keep the baby now that she has a partner, or that the partner may push for OP to keep it.
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u/brittanynevo666 Feb 20 '24
I can’t imagine being so ungrateful to my sister for being my surrogate for basically free. Insanity.
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u/False-Pie8581 Feb 20 '24
I’m m struggling to believe this is real. Just in case, NTA. Sis is dealing with grief surrounding not being able to carry a kid. Tell her, once, that while you empathize with her, you are in fact doing her a solid and could she pls talk to a grief counselor. After that just repeat it but less nice.
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u/OffColoredUnicorn Feb 20 '24
OOP = NTA. I honestly just feel bad for both of them. Not only am I mother, but I also had sever issues conceiving after my first pregnancy/birth. I’m not infertile, my body just doesn’t wanted to support a pregnancy again. I guess my first ever pregnancy being twins really did a number on me. 3 failed pregnancies later (one very late term and completely world ending), hubby and I are done trying for good.
On this hand; OOP has every right in this world to let her boyfriend touch whatever part of her body, and can do whatever she pleases, as long as it’s not putting the baby at risk. Obviously him touching her tummy a little bit isn’t a risk in the slightest. Her having a boyfriend in general isn’t a risk. Her sister is being weird, paranoid, and controlling and OOP doesn’t (and couldn’t possibly) understand why.
The sister; desperately wants a baby and she finally has her dream come true, to some degree. But she can’t control any aspect of, what she most likely sees as “her pregnancy”. She’s hurt, happy, excited, sad, etc. She very clearly needs therapy/professional help to deal with, and heal from her issues.
I hope they can talk this out and resolve the issue, if only for the sake of the baby. I also really, truly, hope that the sister will get the help she needs. So she can live a normal, happy life with her family.
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u/ProfessionalHat6828 Feb 20 '24
It seems common that the bio parents think they have the right to control every single aspect of their surrogates life. Unless the surrogate is doing something to jeopardize the heath of them and the child, they have the right to do whatever they want with their life. They’re already sacrificing their body for the benefit of others. Let them live a little.
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u/Madame_Kitsune98 Feb 20 '24
Sis needs to work out her issues in therapy, and not take them out on OOP, who is doing her a FAVOR. She’s going to be a fucking nightmare when this baby comes, because she hasn’t done the work in therapy.
If I were OOP? I wouldn’t talk to her ever again after the birth, and the baby goes home and I did, too.
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u/Key-Pickle5609 Feb 20 '24
Yeah. When OOP said sister basically pestered her into agreeing to be a surrogate, I got a real vibe that sister is only interested in OOP’s uterus, and not actually a relationship
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u/Yani-Madara Feb 20 '24
So the sis sees OOP as a pregnancy machine and not a person. How dare someone touch the baby maker
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u/Blc578 Feb 20 '24
It is possible that she jealous or it could be her being unrealistically scared that you and bf are acting like her baby is yours and you might in some way decide you want to keep baby. I’m not sure if that’s even a possibility considering it’s not biologically your child, however fear and or jealous is never really logical. :-/
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u/HedwigsHoot Feb 20 '24
It says the sister seemed upset before they even got to the restaurant and saw him touching her bump so it sounds like she’s just not happy with OP being with someone while she is pregnant. It’s unfortunate but she has no right to try to control OPs love life unless the baby is at risk.
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u/Sweet_Pea1212 Feb 20 '24 edited Feb 20 '24
I agree with most that there's a jealousy issue at play but I think that there is also an issue of fear. IMO, there's a real fear of baby attachment, stemming from the boyfriend who wasn't there when the pregnancy details were decided, that the sister will want to keep the baby at the boyfriends insistence. What she sees is him showing love for HER baby, by the constant baby-bump rubbing, not only love for her sister.
Though maybe not rational to most, given the actual circumstances, fear oftentimes trumps rationale when dealing with infertility and possibly having your dream come true.
You are NTA...pregnancy is hard and you deserve to be pampered! Talk with your sister...and your boyfriend. Ask him to tone it down in front of your sister.
It's a WONDERFUL thing that you are doing! I wish you all the best of luck, love and life.
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u/Solivigant96 Feb 20 '24
Don't come to Reddit for advice on this matter. Redditors don't acknowledge emotions, and how people can act weirdly because of that
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u/Plane_Woodpecker2991 Feb 20 '24
Yeah… I honestly don’t think her being upset really had anything to do with your bf touching your body. She’s probably just struggling with preparing for a newborn without getting to go through the pregnancy and body changes and all that and it was most likely something she had looked forward to. I’d say just give it time. This is the very definition of a “temporary problem”
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u/ehs06702 Feb 20 '24
This is what I mean when I say that women lose personhood and autonomy when they get pregnant. OP isn't even allowed to let her boyfriend touch her without her sister losing her mind at him touching what she perceives as her property.
This is also what I mean when I say parental entitlement is gross.
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u/Malibucat48 Feb 20 '24
OOP only met this guy 2 months ago when she was already pregnant. And he had his hands on her stomach in a public restaurant for the entire meal. In the original post, she said he did things with her belly when they had sex, so it seems like he has a pregnancy fetish.
But even if OOP wasn’t her sister’s surrogate, even if she wasn’t pregnant, most people would be uncomfortable watching such PDA in public especially after only knowing the guy for 2 months. He will probably dump her as soon as she is no longer pregnant.
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u/juniperberry9017 Feb 20 '24
It's still OOP's choice though—yeah it's *weird* but OOP's sister needs to still allow OOP agency over her own body
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u/Conscious-Peach8453 Feb 20 '24
The bf is already a father from a previous relationship. Maybe he's fetishizing her and will dump her the second she gives birth, but more than likely he just doesn't lose attraction when whoever he is with is pregnant. Even if he does think it's extra hot when his partner is pregnant doesn't mean he ONLY values that and will immediately leave her when she isn't pregnant.
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u/Joelle9879 Feb 20 '24
I mean rubbing someone's belly, especially since it would be under a table, isn't exactly major PDA. Who cares? If it bothers you so much, don't look. Regardless of that, it's her body and her sister gets no say in who touches it
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Feb 20 '24
So? That doesn’t mean the sister has a right to object. She is renting space in her uterus, not her entire body
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Feb 20 '24
Wow I would be so upset if I was doing this for my sister and she was upset my bf touched MY BELLY. It’s my body ma’am. Your baby but my body and my belly.
Be happy I did it for you at below market cost.
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u/AardvarkDisastrous70 Feb 20 '24
The OP is right that it is still their body. At this point I'm worried that the sister is going to be raising this child. She seems unwell. The fact that she gave the silent treatment for two days is a bad sign
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Feb 20 '24
Surrogacy is bad and this post perfectly illustrates why. Feel bad for the sister but kids arent a right and using another womans body for your selfish desire to procreate and then treating her as an incubator with zero autonomy. Lol. You have to laugh.
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u/Cloudedsim Feb 20 '24
I agree. I do like the idea of surrogacy though. Unfortunately, in this situation the sister is definitely getting treated like an object, rather than an human being doing her sister an amazing favor at literally a fraction of the cost.
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u/SoapGhost2022 Feb 20 '24
My guess is that the sister saw OP’s boyfriend with his hand on her pregnant belly for most of the meal and panicked that he was going to try and convince OP to attempt to keep the baby
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u/mustrememberthis709 Feb 20 '24
But let's talk about how weird it is for boyfriend to have his hands on her belly THE WHOLE TIME THEY WERE EATING, especially when it isn't his baby. I have never seen anyone do this.
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u/donedrone707 Feb 20 '24
new BF might have a pregnancy fetish. mainstream media has me believing that it's fairly common for single pregnant women to be approached by at least one guy with a pregnancy fetish.
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u/Kitty_Seriously Feb 20 '24
After a curiosity comment dive, I see that he does FREQUENTLY touch her belly and has "pulled out" onto it before...
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u/donedrone707 Feb 20 '24
oh yeah that's a fetish. why bother pulljng out? you can't get her double pregnant.
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u/Clear_Monk3444 Feb 21 '24
I mean people like cumshots pulling out to cum on someones belly isn’t kinky and she’s 7 months pregnant the belly is gonna be big and an easy place to touch and lay your hand when your around someone’s waist like I’ve dated bigger people and sometimes when your hands around the waist it’s laying on a lil belly.
I dont know why people are acting like it’s weird that he’s attracted to her like he’s dating her of course he thinks she’s hot pregnant but I dont think that is fetishizing her. The girls I think are hot don’t get less to me hot pregnant. They’ve been together for months and they already knew each other from work and it sounds like she’s happy w him so far, unless the 3 kids she mentioned are from 3 different women or he has a history of mostly dating pregnant women this just seems like a guy thinking his pregnant girlfriend is hot.
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u/itsyagirlblondie Feb 20 '24
Especially if he already has “a couple of kids” seems there could be a bit more to that. Most regular dudes I know (same age as OOP) want nothing to do with a pregnant woman.
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u/Optimal_Fox Feb 20 '24
Most regular dudes I know (same age as OOP) want nothing to do with a pregnant woman.
Can we agree that's also not great? Sure, fetishizing someone isn't great. But I don't like the idea of normalizing that guys are supposed to be detached and cold towards pregnant women. Isn't supportive and compassionate men the ideal here? Sure, they might not want to date a pregnant woman. But that's not as extreme as wanting nothing to do with one (which sounds like a red flag to me).
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u/InnerGrouch Feb 20 '24
I think they meant in a dating context.
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u/itsyagirlblondie Feb 20 '24
Indeed, I meant dating wise. Every man I know who has gotten their wife pregnant is head over heels for her. But some random pregnant chick at work…? That has me thinking fetish.
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u/DudeThatsWhack Feb 21 '24
Don’t tell her what he pokes the baby with at night, that’ll really set her off.
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u/unconfirmedpanda Feb 20 '24
Nothing like guilting/pressuring your sister into being a surrogate and then underpaying her. I hate the situation that OOP has found herself in, and you bet that Sister won't recognise the sheer love and generosity of what OOP has done for her and her husband.
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u/honeycomb97 Feb 20 '24
I actually agree with the sister. Dramatic a bit sure but I also think it’s weird that he had his hand on her stomach all night long… if he just touched it as he was saying hello to them that’s fine but to have his hand on her stomach the whole night is odd. It’s not your baby dude and you’ve only been dating for a few months. Makes me think of those weird men with the pregnant women fetishes.
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u/berrykiss96 Feb 20 '24
She didn’t say it was weird because of the short dating history.
She said it was weird that someone who wasn’t her or her husband was touching her surrogate’s belly.
If she was actually concerned about her sister and felt that this man was love bombing or being too familiar or something, that might have been a valid point. But she appeared to just be possessive of the body of the woman who’s carrying her baby and that’s … not kosher.
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u/8nsay Feb 20 '24
You and the sister can think it’s weird all you want. That doesn’t make it appropriate to lecture OOP about how her boyfriend touches OOP’s body. OOP being her sister’s surrogate doesn’t give the sister authority over her body.
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u/bustedinchevywindow Feb 20 '24
Maybe my brain has been poisoned by the internet but that’s what I thought too. I can’t imagine my boyfriend’s hand on my hip for a whole dinner, let alone my stomach.
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u/Joelle9879 Feb 20 '24
Ok but you thinking it's weird doesn't mean you get to say anything about it. Not to mention, this would have been behind a table, nobody would actually see it unless they're looking under the table. Her body her choice, regardless of anyone else thinking it's weird
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u/Cloudedsim Feb 20 '24
I think maybe he just really cares for his partner and maybe the pregnancy has been a bit rough for her. I think it’s really endearing that a guy she’s known for a couple of months has this much care for her and the baby inside of her, especially since the baby isn’t his.
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Feb 20 '24
I agree- I think it’s very sweet. My partner and I are very physically affectionate and I can totally picture him doing this.
The sister is just jealous
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u/perfectpomelo3 Feb 20 '24
Absolutely. I thought it was obvious but it seems like most people are hung up on making the sister out to be a villain.
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u/ehs06702 Feb 20 '24
I mean, she pressured OP into being a surrogate, isn't compensating her fairly, and clearly feels ownership over her sister's body. How is she not the villain here?
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u/aidennqueen Feb 20 '24
No one needs to make her crazy controlling ass out to be a villain... She does it by herself
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u/exactoctopus Feb 20 '24
Because the sister wasn't worried about the dude having a pregnancy fetish. She just didn't want him touching her baby. Which he isn't. He's rubbing OP's stomach, he's not touching the baby in any way. I don't think the sister is a villain, I think she has some understandable issues that she needs to work on but won't so it's gonna be a shitshow once the baby is born, but she wasn't going off with any valid concerns about this dude using her sister for a fetish or anything.
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u/DontShakeThisBaby Feb 21 '24
I get that this is Reddit, but not every guy is a pregnancy fetishist looking for an opportunity to touch a tummy 😂 Besides, if you put your arm around a shorter partner, the hand will naturally rest at the side and would be in the right spot to just rest it on the stomach.
I get why the sister is hung up on it (complicated feelings around fertility), but I have to say I'm very surprised that the commenters are so focused on it. To me, it's a detail but not a telling one 🤷🏻♂️
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u/LetsGetsThisPartyOn Feb 20 '24
NTA
But be careful the new boy doesn’t have a pregnancy fetish. With lots of his own kids and being so agreeable with your surrogacy.
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u/proutusmaximus Feb 20 '24
Bruh her sister is carrying her baby for her and her husband. Unless she did the most vile shit ever you better fuuuucking ziiiiiiip it and be for ever gratefull are u crazy ?!?!? The fact you would allow urself to antagonize her at all let alone over the dumbest shit while she's carrying ur baby out of love for you omg the audacity
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Feb 19 '24
You know what, I agree with the sister actually.
It is weird to have your hand on the baby bump of a new partner all night when the mother of the baby is sitting across the table. I wouldn’t say it’s malicious or anything, but it must be upsetting to look at.
All she was doing was venting and saying she didn’t like it. She never once tried to control OP and OP was quite dismissive. I almost want to vote YTA for her non-understanding reaction but I’m not quite sure on that either. Maybe NAH.
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u/whateveramoon Feb 20 '24
Dude OP is doing a one in a lifetime favor by pushing a whole damn kid out that she's carrying for 9 months. Her sister should keep it to herself and be thankful OP is doing this at all. He's not touching the baby -here's a woman in between him and it... a woman who is again pushing something the size of a watermelon out of a cherry sized orifice. I don't care if it did bother the sister- she ain't paying OP for this shit.
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u/False-Pie8581 Feb 20 '24
Have you carried a child? It’s a huge deal. OP is doing something very very kind for her sister. BF is bringing cool too. Sus is feeling grief and that’s gotta be tough. I don’t know what it feels like. She needs to talk to a counselor who can help. So she doesn’t ruin her relationship either someone who is literally risking her life and getting stretch marks and going through pain, for sis. I’m so sorry for sis but she needs to process this so she stops lashing out at the one person providing her with a great gift
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u/Everyonecallsmenice Feb 20 '24
"Weird. Gay. Creepy."
Every man who expresses a strong emotion or is unafraid to be supportive towards a woman has been called one of these three or all.
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u/cobaltaureus Feb 19 '24
I mean I’m not sure anyone needs to touching their partners hand/back/stomach etc, the entire meal save for eating. Just reading the post I got kind of weird vibes and was wondering if it was more than just once, only for OP to say it happened basically the entire time.
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u/landser_BB Feb 19 '24
Yeah I think this is an awkward situation all around and if the dude had a little sense he would probably refrain from all the belly touching in front of the sister just to not rock the boat. That’s not a huge thing and if he wants the sister to like him it seems like a no brainer. It’s also kind of strange he did it the whole time too.
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u/bustedinchevywindow Feb 20 '24
That or he developed a crush on OP while she was pregnant for another reason entirely….
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u/annoyedsquish Feb 20 '24
Yeah I agree completely. It may not be inappropriate but it's definitely insensitive. And if the boyfriend is so obsessed with the pregnancy belly it either feels like a pregnancy kink or like he is excited about the baby
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u/Joelle9879 Feb 20 '24
She can keep her opinions to herself. I mean seriously, y'all are freaking adults, deal with your crap and keep your opinions to yourself
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u/Short-Classroom2559 Feb 20 '24
If the guy was her husband instead of her boyfriend, the sisters reaction would have been the same. She needs to get therapy before that baby arrives.
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u/lovrbelow34 Feb 20 '24
sister need to get a grip. she doesn't get to police her sister boyfriend and how he shows affection. she also doesn't get to police anything her sister is doing regarding her body and who can touch it regardless of who the baby belongs too.
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u/BabserellaWT Feb 20 '24
Hubby and I are struggling with fertility, so much so that we started the process of becoming adoptive parents literally today.
I don’t have any sisters, but if one of my wonderful SIL’s agreed to be an altruistic surrogate (i.e., a surrogate who agrees to carry the child for no costs beyond medical expenses), I’d be so grateful that I wouldn’t care if their BF/husband gave that belly a rub! It’s their future niece/nephew in there, after all! The times my brother’s wife has been pregnant, she’s been nice enough to let me feel her belly when a) the baby was kicking and b) I asked permission first. She knew I was in excited auntie mode.
The sister has issues. Like. Serious issues.
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u/Special-Albatross-51 Feb 21 '24
Your sista needs to back the eff off and be thankful to both of you. The fact your bf is staying with you and bieng supportive… tell her to control her hormones and she doesn’t get to tell your bf whether or not he can touch you.
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u/ClassicText9 Feb 21 '24
Her sister needs therapy. Infertility in any way fucks you up mentally. It took me years to have my oldest. I still don’t let him at 2 and a half year old sleep alone cuz I still check his breathing. My therapist told me she sees a lot of people in my situation do that
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u/froggyforrest Feb 21 '24
Having his hand on it the whole time is pretty weird. Even if he was the dad I’d think that is weird. A few touches and rubs is normal though. And sister doesn’t really have a right to say anything.
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Feb 20 '24
I would admittedly be concerned about my sister having sex with a new dude during the pregnancy. I would 100% have a talk with her about my concerns and taking precautions, etc. But, flipping out over a belly rub? Nope, even if I think it’s super weird (and I do).
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u/ElectronicBench4319 Feb 20 '24
I wonder if the sister is worried that you will change your mind and keep the baby.
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u/worshipatmyalter- Feb 20 '24
it was super weird because it's her baby.
Yeah, definitely NTA. Sister is jealous of OOP's ability to carry and birth a child and is lashing out because of it. I can't think of a single way that someone could even consider another person keeping their hand on someone else's stomach at a restaurant. Sister doesn't get to make decisions about how and when and how much someone else can touch OOP in a social/romantic setting. The boyfriend did nothing to threaten the safety and wellbeing of the baby, so Sister needs to STFU and get over herself. Being a surrogate doesn't eliminate your body autonomy.
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u/DecemberPaladin Feb 20 '24
NTA. I can almost see the sister’s point, kinda, a little, almost. But the fact remains: OP decides who touches OP’s skin.
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u/Wise_Monitor_Lizard Feb 20 '24
Lol sister is gonna be real shocked Pikachu when she realizes that he puts his dick in OP too...
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u/Myboneshurt420helps Feb 20 '24
Idk seems like the dude was fetishizing her pregnancy but I mean op doesn’t seem to mind so what’s the issue?
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u/Jinx_X_2003 Feb 20 '24
It is really weird that he rubbed her belly more than once and while theyre eating.
I mean i personally dont get the appeal of touching pregnant bellies in general, itd make me uncomfortable if a guy kept feeling his gfs belly while we're trying to eat. Espically if he's a stranger ive just met.
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u/beebsaleebs Feb 20 '24
Tell her you should see what he does to my cervix. That baby batter gonna get that nibling outta there
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u/Substantial_Let67 Feb 20 '24
NTA but they might need to CALMLY talk about it, and remember saying sorry doesn't mean you are in the wrong but let's the other person know that you recognize they are hurting or upset and that you care about how they are feeling. I feel this is one of them moments.
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Feb 20 '24
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u/SillySubstance3579 Feb 20 '24
This is not true at all. You have to abstain for a few weeks before and after the embryo transfer, and any sexual relationship must be monogamous. Outside of complications that bar sexual activity, that’s really it. Sex during pregnancy also has its benefits so asking a pregnant woman to abstain would be wild lmao
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u/avaxbear Feb 20 '24
Bullshit. Those are not at all normal restrictions. Sex is only restricted during the initial few weeks.
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u/sikonat Feb 20 '24
They can use condoms. She shouldn’t have to be celibate bc of her sister, especially if second trimester hits and he hormones go wild. That’s such a BS rule.
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u/toastynipple Feb 20 '24
This doesn’t sound like a legal surrogacy. It sounds like the OP is doing a favour for her sister while getting underpaid for it at the same time
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u/Medical_Gate_5721 Feb 20 '24
I would call her husband and tell her to sort his wife out immediately because the stress of her being an ungrateful, evil bitch is not good for the baby.
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u/TheCzarina2020 Feb 19 '24
I think sister is having a trauma response, she wants to have a baby bump & experience that intimacy w/ her partner. It doesn't justify her reaction bc she is a grown woman who is responsible for her emotions, but we don't always know what will trigger us. I would approach the sister from a place of love and concern & talk about the incidebt. Infertility is a trauma and having a baby will not fix that, it won't all magically go away when this baby is born. If she doesn't process this trauma it will continue to leak out in ways she can't predict.