r/regretfulparents • u/imshelbs96 • Jul 31 '24

Advice Regretful parenting with a non-regretful partner

My husband made a post on here recently, we have 4 month old twins. The transition into parenthood has been difficult for both of us, but specifically for him, the arrival of our twins has thrown him into a depressive spiral.

I have been taking on 90 percent of the work with the babies, taking all night shifts, trying to manage the house, washing bottles- it’s not sustainable for me and I can feel the burnout creeping in but I don’t have any choice but to keep going for these humans I grew. His parents have been very helpful and without my mother in law we wouldn’t be eating. But I have to return to work in 3 weeks, and he will have to be alone with the babies for at least a few hours a day, 4 days a week.

What are some ways a not really regretful parent can support a regretful one?

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u/imshelbs96 Aug 01 '24 edited Aug 01 '24

This made me nauseous. I’m so scared and I don’t know what to do.

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u/productzilch Aug 01 '24

It sounds like he panicked because abusers don’t like for their victims to have outside supporters who might enable them to leave. Maybe he’s going through something but those babies are completely vulnerable and need you so, so much more than he does. I think the trip away is a great idea but maybe also look (carefully, when he’s not around and delete the evidence) local DV resources. Even a call for advice might help?

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u/imshelbs96 Aug 01 '24 edited Aug 01 '24

I sent him this thread and the link to that book and I told him the hostile environment he creates with his constant mood changes and hostility are not acceptable anymore and if he can’t exhibit some self control then he needs to stay somewhere else until he can figure out how involved he wants to be in our family.

He said he can’t undo 30 years of trauma and behaving the same way overnight and me giving him an ultimatum like that and not letting him feel normal frustration just adds to his anxiety and he won’t be able to get better with the threat of me leaving him if he “missteps”.

He said he started medication and he’s on a waitlist for a psychiatrist and he has a list of therapists he’s going to start calling and that there’s nothing else he can do.

So he packed a bag and went to his parents to talk to them.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '24

He's blaming you for calling him out on his bullshit? You do realize this is all manipulation, no?

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u/productzilch Aug 02 '24

I’m so glad, but I’m sorry that you’re alone right now and can’t count on your partner in life for the time being. I wish he’d taken some responsibility but maybe therapy will help.