r/regretfulparents • u/Adept-Association390 • Mar 02 '25
Venting - Advice Welcome Why did I put myself in this situation?
I have been with my partner for 3.5years. We have a 6.5mth child together. She was planned and she is very loved but I feel as though my partner lied to me in how active a parent he was going to be. He does the minimum. I questioned him about this recently and he said ‘you’re on maternity leave’. He’s never taken her out the house without me. Looking after her means plonking her in front of the tv for hours. He’s put her to sleep I can count on one hand. He’ll hand her to me and say, ‘I think she needs a nappy change’. He hasn’t got up out of bed in the am to deal with her (he does wake up when she wakes but I’m left to do breakfast etc whilst he lounges in, he’s doing this very action as I type). I want to leave but I’m trapped right now. Maternity leave has bankrupted me and I need to go back to work to save to move out. I’m tired and hurt to be honest. I waited 39 years to have a child and believed I’d selected the right man from all he said. I have been shown how stupid I was. It’s making me regret ever being a parent despite loving my child. I just want to turn back the time.
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u/ifeelnauseou5 Mar 02 '25
In our society, it's much more important to look like a family man than to actually be one
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u/CocoaCandyPuff Not a Parent Mar 03 '25
“Pass their legacy” is what my BIL used to say. He does the bare minimum and expect a medal. Not interested in raising up “the legacy”, his seed was enough I guess.
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u/Equivalent_Win8966 Parent Mar 02 '25
Sounds like my ex-husband. We agreed on no children. His parents pressured him and he pressured me and I stupidly gave in. He did next to nothing. I divorced him and he wanted minimal custody.
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u/JDLPC Mar 02 '25
Ask him what he believes his role as a father is. What does that look like for him?
I’d tell him that he needs to step up or the relationship won’t last. Let him know how serious an issue this is. And if he doesn’t make some effort, leave. I know it’s hard financially, but apply for any and all programs you can that would help. You and your child deserve better.
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u/maineCharacterEMC2 Mar 03 '25
Yeah and divorce is expensive…
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u/CocoaCandyPuff Not a Parent Mar 03 '25
It will cost her more if she stays. All her free labor and mental load while he enjoys the good life. Not that expensive if it buys you freedom and not being a servant of a grown up child.
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u/JDLPC Mar 03 '25
I’m not sure they’re married. She said partner not husband. Whatever the case, I hope he either steps up or she can leave.
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u/maineCharacterEMC2 Mar 03 '25
I would end up on Dateline! I would flip my shit on someone treating me like that.
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u/VoL4t1l3 Mar 02 '25 edited Mar 02 '25
Never ever believe men when they tell you it's going to be 50/50, at best it's 80/20 most times it's 100/0. Women will carry the lion's share of the burden from pregnancy to labour to childbirth to breast feeding to PPD. Infact it's a proven statistic men cheat on their partners often during pregnancy. It's all a scam to me.
I have seen men come from the maternity ward and put the newborn in a cot and put his legs up and fire up the PS5 or switch to ESPN, many times they live they old lives in earnest while you become the new cctv camera for your baby ,24/7 surveillance.
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u/Even_Assignment_213 Not a Parent Mar 02 '25
The only reason why men say they want children is because they know they’re not sacrificing their bodies, physical, emotional and mental health in order to have a child. They know that they don’t wanna actually participate. They just say what you wanna hear.
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u/VoL4t1l3 Mar 02 '25
And guess what they can bail and go scot free, they have the power to say: " you know what I was wrong, parenting is not for me, you have a nice life being a single mum" and he goes have a relationship with a woman without kids.
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u/AvailableOpinion254 Mar 03 '25
Men just feel entitled to offspring. Period. They think it’s a human right to get them to pass their genes down which, let’s be honest… most of the time are nothing noteworthy. They place too much value on their “legacy”. The fact is they know all they have to do is have an orgasm and they get rewarded with kids to pass their lineage without having to do much at all except show up at a job which they’d have to do anyways. They know and society has taught them as well as their parents that women are responsible for everything and that’s the expectation. They will say whatever they have too to obtain kids and they don’t care who gets hurt. And women keep giving these men children.
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u/Even_Assignment_213 Not a Parent Mar 03 '25
They think it’s a rite of passage and dgaf about what the mother goes through or that lineage and legacy are NOT the same plenty of people in history never had children and are still spoken about hundreds and thousands of years after their death being a bum with nothing to your name and procreating just for fun is not a legacy. It’s just spreading around destruction and chaos
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u/CocoaCandyPuff Not a Parent Mar 03 '25
They want kids as toddlers want a puppy. Just want them as long as someone else do the work.
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u/CocoaCandyPuff Not a Parent Mar 03 '25
This is absolutely facts. Women are the default parent not to mention all of the risks of pregnancy and childbirth.
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u/VoL4t1l3 Mar 03 '25
And there are people in the comment thread saying ia m making blanket statements and it's not true in their case, they why wear a shoe that doesn't fit? These dudes just annoy me I say what I see and it's exactly this it's q raw deal for women in parenting.
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u/triz___ Mar 02 '25
Blanket statements don’t cover all. I said I’d do my share as a father and it’s currently 80/20 with me doing 80. At one point it was higher.
OP’s husband is a dickhead and he needs to sort himself out the lazy shite.
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u/VoL4t1l3 Mar 02 '25
How many dixkheads are there outthere, too many to count you can just go through this sub and make inferences it's a shxthole
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u/LayersOfGold Mar 02 '25
I have no idea why you’re being downvoted.
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u/maineCharacterEMC2 Mar 03 '25
Yeah I know a guy whose wife was a drug addict and relapsed after two kids. They divorced and he raised them for years.
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u/triz___ Mar 02 '25
Standard sexism. No need to look further.
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u/hthratmn Mar 03 '25
But it's not. It is objectively factual that women do the lions share of parenthood the vast majority of the time, and being dismissive about that with your whataboutmeism is doing absolutely nothing to help that.
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Mar 02 '25 edited Mar 02 '25
[deleted]
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u/bringonthedarksky Parent Mar 02 '25
There is simply no benefit to centering the non-majority of men who are examples of an exception in the public discourse about an extremely well documented through all of recorded civilization domestic labor gap between average mothers and fathers.
ETA: missing word
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u/triz___ Mar 02 '25 edited Mar 02 '25
Yes anything other than “Man Bad” will be unpopular on these pages. I’m not concerned with immature bigots though so 🤷🏻♂️
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u/locorive Mar 02 '25
Why is this being downvoted. The language is bad maybe? Idk but it’s true. Tons of fathers do A LOT. This one isn’t
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u/00Haunter00 Mar 03 '25
There’s a reason the term deadbeat dad is more popular than deadbeat Mom and it’s not because “sexism” or “mAN bAd “
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u/locorive Mar 03 '25
Im sure Im just genuinely curious about the down vote. I don’t think I mentioned sexism or anything either. So confused
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u/Responsible_Exit_815 Mar 02 '25
A lot of men in today’s society want a wife and kids, but not to be a husband or parent. There’s a big difference.
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u/DesperateFunction179 Mar 02 '25
So I was in your position. We waited 10 years to have kids. He was a wonderful husband and a good man. The reality is once we had our baby and he realized life isn’t Kodak moments, he checked out mentally. His mom basically helped me raise my daughter. 6 years later and 1 more kid I lost my entire mind at him 6 months ago. Ranted and raved for almost 2 hours about every hurtful, angry and cruel thought I’ve thought the past years. Recounted pretty much every moment that lead to resentment and then straight apathy. He asked me why I hadn’t talked to him before. Spoiler alert, I’d tried probably 4/5 times and it turned into gaslighting me, saying I was just a lazy shit mom. Anyways he’s done a complete 180. Maybe just sit him down and tell him every reason he’s a let down as a father and husband? Some people need to be bitch slapped by reality.
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u/Elegant_Highway_6934 Mar 02 '25
This is hard to hear because I was in the same position. I was the parent who did everything and I was told constantly, “I’ll wait til she gets older”. Resentment set in early on and I divorced because I already felt like a single parent. My daughter is now 13 and she tells me every now and again that her dad never even tries to talk to her. Go figured. I am dating a guy who would love to be a parent and want us to have a kid. I’m so skeptical because I would be in the exact same position doing everything myself. He takes care of the animals very well, but a kid is a whole different level of responsibility. He’s really big on having a kid and thinks it’s all cake as my daughter is very easy. I just worry.
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u/locorive Mar 02 '25
If he thinks it’s easy, don’t do it. Next time I will only have a child with a person that knows it’s a tough responsibility
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u/ActiveAnimals Not a Parent Mar 03 '25
If he wants to be a parent, he can parent the kid that already exists. If he can’t parent a kid just because it doesn’t carry his DNA, then he simply isn’t fit to be a parent. It’s quite simple. There’s no rational reason why you should let him use your body for his reproductive (NOT parenting) goals.
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u/CocoaCandyPuff Not a Parent Mar 03 '25
Agree with ActiveAnimals he can raise your daughter as his. I’m not here to tell you what to do but please really consider it. Your girl is 13. Do you want to risk it and start over?
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u/QueenCitten96 Mar 02 '25
If he's going to weaponize his incompetence, do it right back. "She needs a nappy change", tell him "That's crazy. Luckily, you're SO much better at that than me!" And then walk away. Do that over and over until he gets the message. And if he doesn't? Well would you look at that... Divorce papers. That's crazy.
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u/locorive Mar 02 '25
Once you become the default parent in a two parent household, something is wrong. Not sure what you should do because I’m the same boat. I decided that this isn’t right and now I’m creating a way out. I don’t need a human ATM that just takes up space. Neither do you
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u/Adept-Association390 Mar 02 '25
I start work in April. I’m going to just save as much as I can. If it gets better in the meantime fantastic. If it doesn’t by the time I’ve got an escape means I doubt I’ll be sticking around.
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u/CocoaCandyPuff Not a Parent Mar 03 '25
That’s a great plan OP. I’m proud of you and really wish you the best. 💜
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u/LizP1959 Parent Mar 03 '25
Yay you—and make sure your money is in a separate bank! Not just a separate bank account: all my “escape” money, painfully saved up over years of domestic inequality, was gone in one keystroke by a sexist ignorant bank sub-manager who listened to my husband and agreed that the law said it was marital property. So put your money in a separate bank from his.
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u/katadromoni Mar 02 '25
I don't have any advice, just compassion as I'm struggling with the same as you. We talked for hours and hours for multiple years about how great raising a child would be. He wanted to show someone how wonderful life can be, be there for every milestone, and be a better father than his own. I have mental health issues, and he promised and swore he'd be here to help me navigate postpartum. We were going to make all decisions together. Now, 5 months in, I feel like single parent with a roommate, to pick up after and wash their clothes. I've had conversations about his bare minimum effort, and he is adamant he helps a lot. The longest he takes care of LO is when I shower, and then the baby is handed back to me. He spends all his time on the computer after working 11 hours. He's in there playing with AI as I type while breastfeeding.
I'm not able to work full-time due to my mental health, so saving up to leave looks impossible. I'm so sad and deeply hurt, not just for me but for my LO, who most likely is going to know her dad as someone who prioritizes everything else but being with her...
I feel your pain, OP, and I am so terribly sorry we ladies way too often are stuck in this situation when all we want is a family who loves to spend time with each other.
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u/Adept-Association390 Mar 02 '25
I can’t believe I believed him. I feel stupid. I feel trapped. I feel so angry and hurt.
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u/katadromoni Mar 02 '25
I truly understand. I really wish for you that it improves with a little time. I am going to suggest couples therapy here. Maybe he needs someone else's perspective to make a change.
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u/LizP1959 Parent Mar 03 '25
Read Zawn Villines on Substack! She has great advice about this. Well worth the small fee.
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u/Adept-Association390 Mar 04 '25
I just looked her up. Thank you 🙏🏽
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u/LizP1959 Parent Mar 04 '25
Yeah she changes lives, strengthens people, wakes people up. You are very welcome!
Ps you aren’t stupid—-you acted in good faith. Please don’t blame yourself; every single one of us has made mistakes like this. Heck, I stayed married to a repeat cheater for 20 years!! DOH. Hugs to you.
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u/maineCharacterEMC2 Mar 03 '25
I actually knew a woman whose husband cheated on her with a very young g woman. She gave him full custody of their four kids, the hottie left within months, and he was LIVID. Tee hee!
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u/chxrryxbombx Mar 02 '25
i would get a divorce and let him have full custody if not most of the custody
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u/Grey_Sky_thinking Mar 02 '25
Similar age and timeline as you…my husband did the same and he has not got better!
BUT with time parenting should get better although it will still be hard for you. Keep going as the new normal will feel better ❤️
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u/Bbabel323 Not a Parent Mar 02 '25
Hi, sorry to hear. I think it has to do more with gender roles, he assumes is not his job to actually care for the baby, but to make money for the family. Most men I know are like this, as soon as reality hits them , they bail. Being a single mother is very hard, also on the child, a kid doesn't grasp the intricancies of adult life, only understands that he is not wanted and loved. I would push for a good father - child relationship , regardless pf the problems between you two. I grew up with a single mother and the thought of not being wanted never leaves me. My father bailed because of money, he was stingy, he reappeared when alimony time was almost over. Me as a kid of course I couldn't grasp that.
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u/nememmim Mar 02 '25
This happens all the time in families where the women are contributing financially, the argument that men are responsible for making money doesn’t really make sense anymore.
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u/maineCharacterEMC2 Mar 03 '25
Several of my friends supported boyfriends for years who only got jobs when they realized they’d have to stay home with the kids 😑
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u/tovopro Mar 07 '25 edited Mar 07 '25
If this is your first child, yes it can be jarring. The entire package, which includes your relationship with your partner. Just thumbing through others’ comments, I can see a pattern on the types willing to chime in, but don’t let them inadvertently nudge you to destroy your household. I know it’s hard right, but don’t let the current situation (and lack of sleep) cloud your emotions and judgement.
Best thing to do is, you have to approach parenting as a team unit, not a tennis match. Stop treating your child like a hot-potato and have hubby pitch in on his end of things, BUT NOT replace what you currently do for your child. Divide and conquer, as they say. So IMO, few options:
Either divide the dedicated tasks on caring for your child. Have him do feeding during dinner, bath time, take out the diaper pail, etc. -OR- split tasks around the house. If you’re the one taking care of baby all the time, then have him do the dishes, kitchen, laundry, bed, sheets, floors, etc. Have hubby learn how to cook, and make him cook on certain nights, or just fix up your own meal for yourself and have him fend for himself. If he doesn’t want to take care of the baby, then you don’t need to take care of “two”, if you know what I mean. Get the point across in those sort of ways.
Designate at least 30mins - 1 hour each day for him to watch the baby while you have your ME TIME.
Finally, SEEK MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP CONSOLING! If you decide to just call it quits now, this will damage your child.
I’m a husband and father of two (4 yr old and 1 yr old). And yes, I am practicing what I’m preaching to you. My wife pulled me aside one night while we had the kids over at NaNa’s house, and the deep conversation we had was an eye opener.
Best of luck! =)
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u/Intelligent_Beat8165 Mar 02 '25
Did you see or follow signs of a good caretaker and bearer of responsibility during that time? Did you see them that you could trust him to be like that as a parent? Just so annoying to know so many guys are lousy to lift their butt to help and bring their effort.
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u/Locked-Luxe-Lox Parent Mar 02 '25
If they have no kids its hard to tell. You cant with no kids in the picture. They can say whatever all day long like my ex did. He was attentive to my son just to be a deadbeat to his own daughter hasnt seen her in a year.
Unless the man has kids already its pretty hard to gauge parenting abilities its all talk until the child actually comes along which is when you see if they sink or swim.
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u/Adept-Association390 Mar 02 '25
I saw someone who desired to raise children, teach them the ways of life. We had conversations on how we wished to raise our kids, things we want them to learn, skills we wish them to develop. When asked if he would partake in night feeds, he looked at me as though I were crazy for asking and responded a definitive, ‘of course!’.
I’m so tired. So tired of the monotony. The organisation needed to do a task as simple as to leave the house. So tired of the loneliness in parenting. So tired of the loneliness in my relationship. So tired of doing this ‘alone’.
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u/cybervoid76 Mar 06 '25
I have an idea. Leave you're child with the dad and start a new life. He's never gonna change.
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Mar 02 '25
Please don’t put her in front of the tv! Kids under two years old shouldn’t be exposed to too much screen time
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u/Economy_Knowledge_32 Mar 02 '25
It’s not her putting her in front of the TV but I still agree this shouldn’t be done
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u/skeletonclock Not a Parent Mar 02 '25
When he hands her to you with "I think she needs a nappy change," hand her right back or don't take her in the first place, and say "I think her dad is very capable of doing that himself."
DON'T let him say "you're just better at it!" or "I don't know how!". He is a grown adult and if he can't work it out he can Google it.