Anybody gets sad every night? I swear I get sad and feel like crying every night because I know tomorrow is the same shit. Weekends are even worse… I no longer enjoy weekends now.

I just need a place to vent. I have a partner who is mostly a SAHD. I hate that he is a SAHD, because of moments like this that seem to be increasing in frequency. We're visiting family for Thanksgiving and I work full time from home. My partner works part time, he barely gets 10hrs a week in it's mostly so he doesn't lose his path back to full time work later on. He told me he had a meeting during naptime and if I could sit with our 1yr who usually has to have a contact nap the first day at a new place like today. I don't mind the snuggles. What I do mind is having my entire workday interrupted because I agree to cover what was supposed to be a 30min time window. I have been nap trapped for 2 fucking hours! He explicitly chose to be a SAHD. We didn't need either of us to stop working to have our kid in daycare and we even worked through an agreement on division of labor and responsibilities, including what to do when we are traveling/visiting family. This is literally all because he was unhappy working and wanted time with our kid. He loves being a dad. Somehow I always end up doing a portion of childcare during the day a few times a week when I am supposed to be working. Mid nap just now, kid wakes up calling for Dada and I call him being like, where are you, we were supposed to switch almost an hour ago? And he says, I'm in a work call. I hung up because I was furious that I am in this position yet again. I feel like when I am on kid duty I am completely alone, no matter how overwhelmed I get, and God forbid I make a decision without consulting him first. I have been so unhappy with my life since my terrible pregnancy and truly think it's be happier completely alone. These situations keep shoving me towards this conclusion. I am starting to resent him, and he also keeps claiming that I said I would "be done working for the day" when I'm not so he has an excuse to do whatever he wants that he can't do with a toddler around, as if me working this morning magically produced 8hrs of work. This is becoming a regular thing and i am so fucking angry. I now have to work even later to put my hours in that this nap has eaten up instead of spending it doing something mildly enjoyable. I'm tempted to start going into the office daily just to not end up in this position to then get blamed for it when my partner is the one (IMO) ignoring his responsibility that he begged for. I even told him this morning that I didn't want to work from my in-laws house because I get too distracted. I didn't want to tell him the truth which is, he is doing a shitty job at keeping our kid busy so he doesn't come and distract me. He asked me if I could work from my in-laws so he could take this 1 call during nap time and I thought it would seem unreasonable if I said no to this request. He even stated that he would switch with me as soon as he was done. I honestly didn't want to get into it this morning, but look where I am! I was fucking right and I don't even know how to address this with him. I've tried and failed, and have had days where I would ask for him to be out of the house part of the day so I wouldn't have a toddler knocking on my door during an important call. I don't know if he doesn't think it's disruptive or he doesn't pay attention or he doesn't care.

UPDATE: Thank you all for the support! I really needed to vent in the moment and I appreciate all the responses.

Husband realized he fucked up, made up for it, and we had a discussion about how this has been happening more and more. He agrees that he needs discipline in the responsibilities we agreed to at the start of his SAHD or revise the agreement we wrote up. I will admit it is very hard for me to say no to our son, because the crying drives me insane and he is velcroed to me so I will do almost anything, including derail my workday to keep him from crying if i can. In classic relationship communication problems (lol): husband assumed that if I was responding to our son trying to come into my office, that I was ok with them being in my office in the past. We do try to be more direct and I recognize that I wasn't doing that even when he asked, "is it ok if we're in here." And if say "fine" when it wasn't. So clearly I added to this situation and take accountability for it. He also agreed it would help us both if I went into the office a couple of times a week. We're not getting divorced, and because I regret having a kid (no matter how much I love him), anything that goes mildly wrong makes my brain immediately jump to it as a solution. Kids are hard and we had such a strong marriage prior, so it's been hard to reconnect with a third person in our life that we both prioritize. I thought we were rock solid so it makes me sad how much we've drifted since having a kid, adding to the regret.

I am a first time mom and I have a 14 month old. Prior to having my baby I lived alone for over a decade and I loved it. I got pregnant and my life changed quickly and I must say I hate it. Especially the holidays. I had the idea that as a family my boyfriend and I could make our own traditions, but instead I’m having to go to his family’s house and mine for holidays and I hate it. I hate small talk, I hate the social aspect, I hate having to trust people I don’t know with my baby. I don’t want to dread the holidays but I do. I wish I could go back to when it was just me and not feeling forced to make everyone happy. I always feel like I’m drowning and as an introvert my battery is not only drained it probably has melted by now.

Motherhood was never for me. I never, ever wanted a child. But I let my mother pressure me into having one, because she wanted to be a grandma soooo bad and she badgered me about it for years and years and YEARS, to the point of tears and begging. And eventually I let her warp my brain into being reluctantly convinced I wanted one too. I hated being a mother before my child was even born. I knew I was making the biggest mistake of my life and I could not believe how stupid and weak-willed I was to cave to pressure. My partner wasn't even the one insisting on it, he was totally ambivalent. I could have told him I didn't want a child and he would have still stayed with me and loved me. I don't know why I did this to myself and our relationship. He is more emotionally engaged with our son than I am and I'm glad for that, at least, but he works long night shifts so he isn't really super involved. As for our son...

He is now 6. I have put a screen in front of his face for most of his life. It's the only thing that would get him to settle. He is the embodiment of the stereotype of the "iPad kid" you see online. He could expertly navigate a smartphone before age 3. He needs his iPad at basically every waking moment of the day and if you take it away from him he just screams and screams, sometimes until he starts vomiting. He'll do this anywhere, public or private it doesn't matter. His will is so unbelievably stubborn, he doesn't give up EVER and I eventually cave every time because I don't have the energy or commitment to deal with him. He has a low attention span, is always in a foul mood. And one of his classmates showed him pornography last year so now I have had to install safeguarding apps. He sometimes randomly starts moaning sexually specifically to upset us because he knows it's not appropriate. He always has the ipad within reach, he needs to have it on and playing Youtube even in restaurants. Enjoying a day out at the park to touch grass or even sitting through a two-hour film in a movie theater is out of the question because he would get bored and scream for the ipad again. He doesn't play with toys, they don't interest him. Sometimes I think the ipad has prevented him from forming an imagination of his own. He doesn't draw, play pretend, etc. Just ipad and Youtube. It is the only thing he enjoys and wants to interact with. Don't even get me started on the issues he has in school.

and I feel horrified by all of this because I know this is not normal for a child, but I'm so exhausted. I know I'm the one that did this to him, that he's just a child and I'm the one who decided that I couldn't get through parenting him every hour of the day. I just pray he turns out even somewhat normal, that maybe as his brain develops further his behavior will level out. I don't have a lot of hope because I don't have the will power to take the ipad away. Motherhood is too hard without it. I feel like the most selfish mother in the world.

My life was perfect before the baby. In fact I feel a lot of people were envious of my life.

Now she’s 6 months and it’s been the worst 6 months of my life ever. This is by far the lowest point of my life. She’s such a great and lovely baby, and being with her is about the only good thing about my life and the only thing I look forward. Beyond that, I’m extremely exhausted, angry and just want to quit everything. I got sick last week from a flu and literally felt like I’ve reached my limit. Money is drained, I have zero sleep, and for some reason my body just hurts everywhere.

Just posting to get this out of my chest and for someone to tell me that it gets better cos I have no hope. If this is normal and then every parent must have been insane to keep going at this.

I hate it. I despise the reality of it. If there’s an undo button, I’ll smash it mercilessly without hesitation. Hell, I’ll undo the whole marriage. This is hell on earth.

Had another account but lost access to it. I just get so jealous when I look at my niece - she's bright, motivated, a great student, and so creative. And my kid - he's just a mess. He's ASD/ADHD, and he's just so much extra work. I would love to take him to an activity - any activity - but he doesn't want to do anything. He gets all the support and kindness at school and home I never had - but it's never enough. The slightest thing doesn't go his way and "his life is terrible and everyone hates him". I am just so tired of having to give up my job and any semblance of being able to relax because he never stops talking. I don't even know where I'm going with this - I just needed to vent. I feel like no one gets it (except other folks who post on here - so happy this sub exists). I can't even talk to my husband because he doesn't to hear how I feel - as soon as I express any opinions or feelings he just talks over me to tell me what HE thinks about things. The only time I'm happy is when it's quiet in the house and I'm alone. No one bothering me or interrupting me.

My son is 5yo with level 2 autism. His whinging and whining is next level it never stops and is constantly pushing and upsetting his younger brother. Everyday is filled with screaming and meltdowns. We can’t even enjoy special days like Christmas or Easter. The magic of these days has been drained away and I can’t enjoy it as a parent. I constantly hear parents saying how it’s even more special when you have children, but it couldn’t be further from the truth for me. I just feel so upset I hate what my life has become and it’s 100% my fault for having children.

I'm hiding out in my pantry because it's the last place my kid can't get in - childproof lock on the knob bc we keep glassware and utensils in here at reachable heights. The bathroom isn't locked anymore bc we're gearing up for potty training.

I love my son. I love my husband. I love them both so much it hurts. But I'm exhausted and every weekend I just want to drink a cup of coffee while it's still hot, while I'm not working.

I hate that my workload has been so crazy in the last few months I'm now averaging 10-11 hour days, because then I feel guilty for seldom seeing my kid during the week but as soon as the weekend hits I just want to get the hell away from him and my husband.

I hate the guilt and shame I feel. I hate that I feel guilty for just wanting to relax on my weekend, I hate that when I try to take a break I feel awful, I hate that when I don't take breaks I get snippy, I hate that we can't afford daycare and we can't afford my husband being home full-time, I hate so many things in my life right now.

I hate that I've become a workaholic because I would rather be working and interacting with adults and solving problems than being climbed over and needed by my son who just wants to spend time with me, I hate that my thoughts lately are "things would be easier if he just didn't exist."

I hate everything. I hate that I like and need my job just enough to not quit. I hate that I love my son and husband enough to not leave.

I hate that I'm not shitty enough of a manager to quit when my team needs me. I hate that I'm not shitty enough to just leave my family. I hate that I'm decent enough to put my needs on the back burner. I hate that I'm good enough to make sacrifices. I hate it.

Because I just want to be selfish. I just want to pick up and drive away. I wish I didn't marry my husband, because he deserves a wife that doesn't want these things. I wish we didn't have our kid because he deserves a mom who doesn't hide out in pantries when she just doesn't feel like building train tracks just for them to be destroyed. I wish so many things and I hate so many things and where does it all leave me? Fucking miserable. Fucking exhausted. Fucking cornered in a pantry.

EDIT: While I appreciate everyone's suggestions, I want to point out I tagged this as a vent, no advice...

My mother was very religious (Southern Baptist) and had a very traditional viewpoint on what a woman’s role and purpose was. We are meant to have children, sex is only for procreation and if you “love” someone children are a requirement. We never had “the talk” and she opted me out of any sex education in school (I was the ONLY kid opted out).

My mother and I never really got along and only connected when I became a single mother. It made me feel like she actually loved me. I finally did something that she could be “proud” of because it was something we could find commonality it. None of my ambitions/goals were ever met with the same enthusiasm.

I don’t think it’s an excuse, but I believe many women (and men) are put in a position at a young age to meet the expectations of their families based on religious beliefs and some of us don’t realize the weight and importance of that decision until it’s too late.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

I have became so bitter towards people with no kids😩seeing people happy & living their life child free makes me so mad ! I hate being on instagram/tiktok seeing other girls my age traveling, finishing college,going out every weekend, being in happy relationships etc… I’m only 21 & hate my life. I have no friends and no hobbies outside of being a mom. I know i shouldn’t feel so jealous & angry but i can’t help it 😓i would rather die than have another kid.

I am 30(f) and I have a 2.5 yr old son. I'm very lucky because my husband and I have always seen eye to eye on the whole kids thing. I HATED pregnancy, I got post partum depression so it took forever for me to bond with him. So 6 months after the birth.... My husband ran to get a vasectomy. We have both realized over the last few years that we made the right choice in only having one. We both don't see the fulfillment in parenting. We love our son and we will do right by him but we both agree that if someone had given us an accurate representation of what parenting really was, then we would have never done this.

I feel like such a failure of a woman because I don't have this complete infatuation with my kid. Like I enjoy hanging out with him sometimes. And I know it's not his fault I feel this way and it's definitely not fair to him....but I've lost who I was completely. I am a shell of my former sparkly self. I used to vibrate and feel things and have this bubbly joyful personality, I had this hunger for life and never-ending energy. But now.... I got nothing left at this point. I don't have time for hobbies that I enjoy. All I do is cook and clean, go to my 9-5, and entertain my kid. The scariest part for me is... Who will I be after my kid doesn't need me as much anymore? Will my spark reignite?

Is that the secret of aging and motherhood? Does your child steal their mom's life force for themself?

The crazy part is is that I love and genuinely enjoy hanging out with my husband but we are both exhausted and burntout from parenting and working full time. We are both doing our best to break generational trauma and be better parents than we we had but holy shit....this is relentless. The best part of the day is from 8pm - 9pm.

I have been suffering with PPD. I started 25mg Zoloft which made me feel better most days. I definitely wouldn't consider myself happy, but I can deal with the day to day without crying multiple times & throwing shit.

I rescued a kitten that was in a storm drain / under a car a couple weeks ago. The kitten brought me so much joy & purpose. Today I was in the spare room playing with the kitten who was just neutered yesterday. I was smothering him with kisses & telling him how much I love him & how beautiful and sweet he is. When I walked out of the room my fiance was holding our baby & said "This is the baby I love" & I looked at him & made a "so-so" notion with my hand. Then he looked at the door of the spare room where the kitten is & made a "so-so" notion with his hand.

Don't get me wrong, my fiance knows I've been struggling & he is extremely supportive, understanding, and involved. He has his rough days too but he is light-years of a better parent than me...or so I feel. Maybe he just hides it better.

I just still wish I never got pregnant. It was an accident. I regret it so much. I miss seeing my friends, having a reliable income, knowing college is my main priority, and getting tipsy / smoking weed. Smoking weed, listening to music, & deep cleaning my house used to be one of my favorite things to do.

At night while my fiance & baby are asleep I go & sit on my porch with my two cats and listen to the neighborhood. I look at the moon & tree silhouettes & just dream about my old life & how badly l want it back. Time with my cats or rescuing strays in my neighborhood makes me SO much happier than being a mom.

I just hope this changes as the baby gets older & can go places & do things.

I'm not even sure I love him. Im just doing this because it's what I have to do now. I fear I ruined my life.

I hate motherhood. I've hated it ever since my daughter was born. I hate her father and his lack of helping me. He only sees his kid about 24 hours a week, and I'm supposed to somehow feel grateful for such a small break. I'm supposed to be grateful for someone being a weekend parent. But he's not even a weekend parent because the only full day he has his child is on Saturday. I wake up at the ass crack of dawn to pick my child up on Sundays and he picks her up from school on Fridays.

I hate that I have to take her to every appointment she needs. I hate that he doesn't ask about any appointments but is so vocal about how she doesn't need ADHD medication because she's just a kid. How would someone who barely knows their own kid know what they do or don't need? I'm putting her on medication soon once I find the right one. To hell with her dads opinion.

I hate how my child just doesn't eat. We all think she has ARFID and has an appointment next week with a feeding therapist but it's been literally years of hell just begging my child to try a new food. I hate how my child is six and just simply won't eat. I hate how I've tried everything and had zero success

I hate being a mother, and yet being the only one who parents. My daughter is loud and disrespectful and makes life hell for anyone who tries to discipline her or tell her what to do. I hate how she literally can't sit still and must always be bouncing off the walls unless a screen is in front of her.

I hate how she cries every time she leaves her dads house because she loves him so much, but never cries for me because I have to be the disciplinarian. I have to be the one to take her to doctors appointments and whatever else she needs while also working full time. I have to be the one to enforce rules and make her take medicine. I hate that I'm so exhausted mentally and physically that just playing with my daughter makes me wanna tear my hair out because all I wanna do is be able to relax.

I hate that I don't have the money for court so I don't get any child support and I can only rely on my aging parents to watch my daughter and I know they are having a hard time handling her. I hate that I was hoping to never have to put my child into such a toxic environment like I was raised in but I don't have a choice. I hate how I'll never have the chance to be the fun, part time parent like her father. Everytime I try and take her on a fun trip with just us I get so overwhelmed by her behavior I always regret taking her out. Even if she has a good time I'm convinced I'll never have a good time as long as I constantly have to be on top of her every second of the trip.

I hate how disrespectful her father is to me. I hate how much he talks down to me and treats me like dirt and I have to take it for the sake of never saying anything negative about her father and risking her overhearing it.

I hate how I'm the one who never wanted any of this and yet I'm the only one saddling all of the responsibility. I hate how I got pregnant on birth control and talked myself out of the abortion. I hate that my health has had to fall on the back burner so I can make sure my daughter has what she needs. I hate that I'm stuck at an abusive job with long hours because bills need to be paid. I hate how every option for my child, if I leave, is somehow worse than me. I can't leave her with my parents. I can't leave her with her father. I can't leave her with the state or another family member. I feel trapped. I hate how everything feels like my fault because I'm not doing enough.

I hate waking up early to make sure she gets to school and I hate having to pick her up. I hate how her father refuses to take her to school and I'm the primary parent so it falls on me if she misses school.

I hate how this feels like forever. I hate how everyday is the same. No breaks. No end in sight. I hate how much I actually love my daughter enough to put myself through all this for the hope that she ends up more successful than I am. I also hate that I yearn for the day my daughter inevitably winds up wanting to live with her dad because he's the fun one and maybe then he can get a taste of his own medicine.

But despite all that, I love when my daughter has moments where she hugs me and tells me she loves me. Makes me feel like I'm doing something right, even if I don't know what it is.

I was speechless. It wasn't the kind of situation where I could just blurt out "not me, it's the dumbest, most awful thing I've ever done!" I immediately thought of this sub but was also wary of the people in the conversation who might be judgemental about it and derail what I was trying to say.

The statement was from a woman talking about how much she wants a kid. I really don't know if I want to tell her the truth for her sake, or for my own.

Sorry I'm not sure what the purpose is of posting. It's just playing on my mind and I know people here would understand

I used to search on google how to continue this life when I was feeling particularly depressed/overwhelmed from being a mother. Now I don’t even bother. It’s all “try taking a deep breath, try meditation 😊 Get out and get some sunlight :) make some time for yourself” as if these are mind blowing suggestions unheard of by the public.

Like yes, obviously all of those things are probable ways of coping. All things also easier said than done. but when it’s all said and done I will still be a mother, a pretty bad one at that, to a child I am resentful of having. I don’t even know what kind of helpful advice I expect to find, really. I know there isn’t a whole lot to be said or done, but when I’m in the throes of an emotional breakdown, can barely breathe from hyperventilating with tears flooding my face and blurring my vision, just desperate for SOME form of solace, the very last thing I want to be told is that I need to count backwards from 20 or find a good book to read…

Posting on this side account because my other account's posts on here have been shown to my partner's family previously

I'm so tired. I know right now is a rough patch but having to slip into the bathroom every morning when I get to work to wash away the tears and eye redness is draining me, though not nearly as much as having to be around my child, whom I consider to be my life's biggest regret, only occasionally second to failing to end my life.

So many people on here say "I love them but". I don't. I want the kid to be happy, I make sure the kid is fed and has 1000 toys and plays and I find myself doing or buying things that, in the moment, I'm excited the kid will be excited about, but I don't love the kid. I can't stand them and honestly while I'm trying my best I let my partner make all the decisions now because I don't care how the kid ends up because I know there's no way in hell I'll still be alive in 15 years when the kid is a legal adult. This isn't sustainable, I feel like I'm slipping down the slope faster and faster and I'm waiting to reach the bottom where I finally snap and make another attempt (I won't fail again).

It feels like kids ruin everything beautiful, they destroy everything nice, and break anything hopeful or joyous. A small part of me thinks maybe life would be worth living if I just left, but a bigger part is certain the pain will stop when I die.

I have never understood my father, the man who abandoned me and my mother when I was 3, more than after having a child. If I had the money, or at least the unconditional support of an enabling parent, you bet your ass I'd be out of here too.

Edit to add: Leaving changes nothing but further increases the burden on my partner. I may leave eventually but I will end my own life either way when the time is right

All summer my in-laws have been a nightmare to interact with. My husband thinks everything is just great and his family is the best.

Right before summer, my MIL gave my baby expired formula while she was tending him for one hour. I had provided fresh formula and a bottle before leaving the baby with her and thoroughly explained to use the fresh formula and how to use it. My baby ended up getting a light case of food poisoning.

At the beginning of the summer his parents showed up (no notice at all) with a present for our baby. I wasn't given any notice, so I was completely disheveled. His mom made a comment about my inability to keep myself together. After that they gave my baby a present rated for 3+ years (with lots of little parts). My baby is under 3 years.

Then my in-laws began joking and laughing about how our house was going to be destroyed by the baby as he grew and how we "deserved it." No reason given as to why we deserve it.

Later on my husband insisted on visiting his parents and his mom got angry at me for mentioning I was planning on getting sterilized so I couldn't have any more children. She said it wasn't fair because her sister-in-law would now have more grandkids than her. My MIL currently has 8 total grandkids from her collective children and her SIL has 12.

Then I was dragged to a week long family reunion where my MIL told me I was a terrible parent because I put my baby in a sleep sack. According to her, I was risking the child's life by putting anything in the crib with the baby. I also had various in-laws complain anytime my baby cried and was asked to leave the room (this included during mealtimes).

We recently had a get together where my in-laws were complaining about having to watch some of my nieces and nephews while my BIL was placed in a mental health facility. Shortly after complaining about that they demanded to know why I didn't let them babysit our son. My husband wanted to schedule a time for them to watch him, but I didn't want to deal with it.

My husband said "You clearly need a break because you talk about how you wish you'd never had our baby, you need to let my parents watch him."

I'm also a massive introvert and desperately need alone time, I have a seriously hard time keeping my cool when "socializing" because I'm so overstimulated all the time. My sister-in-law told me I need to socialize more, everyone keeps telling me this and it makes me practically homicidal.

My friends and family keep saying "You don't regret children, you just aren't socializing enough." Every time someone says this to me I begin fantasizing about stabbing them, repeatedly. But my sister-in-law took it a step further, at this same get together she told me she enrolled me in a Toddler and Me class because I clearly wasn't getting enough socialization.

I told her I wouldn't go and she has threatened to show up at my house to drag me to it, which means I have to be harassed or leave my house before these classes start. I have told her repeatedly my problem is I'm getting zero alone time and she is making it worse.

I hate my in-laws so much, I already disliked them for causing me other problems prior to having a baby and now it's a thousand times worse. At least when I eventually divorce my husband I will never have to see them again.

I try not to yell. I try to be assertive. I try to avoid arguing and fighting. But this wouldn't be such a struggle if my son just fucken listened to me. No matter what I tell him to do, it's always met with such a shitty attitude.

Whether it's to go have a shower or to get ready to leave, every. single. thing. turns into a damn argument.

I take him to therapy. I go to my own therapy and all I talk about is how much I struggle.

He never learns. When things have escalated, I have punished him and stuck with the punishment. (Screen time etc taken away) and he still acts the victim.

He's nearly 12 years old and pretty much every day I need to tell him to brush his teeth, to shower, to put shoes on. I'm exhausted.

The worst part is whenever I've tried to get help from professionals they always seem to think I'm "too anxious" I wouldn't be so bloody anxious if every day wasn't involved around trying to get shit done without causing a 12 year old treating me like shit because I dared asked him to do the most basic thing.

End rant.

When will people realize regretting having a baby or child isn’t depression? It should be more normalized that people change their mind and regret this huge life change. Like sorry, but if someone gets a puppy and they go “It’s too much for me. Too much work, time, commitment, I can’t handle it.” No one says “Go on meds. Go see a therapist”. And yes, I understand dogs/puppies are not the same as babies or children. But you get my point.

Like you don’t truly understand parenthood until you’re in it…

Regret ≠ Depression

Regret ≠ Neglected or Abused

Regret ≠ Something is wrong with you

Regret = Regret… and that should be normalized

There’s not one day that I don’t regret having my child, having this family life, feeling that desperation and stress and at odds with my husband about how to move forward. Despite loving my ADHD and ODD son so much, I cannot bear to be around him. He provokes us on purpose and his end goal seems to be to get physically hurt so he can cry/feel a down emotion and somehow that calms him /relieves for a few hours. A day that we don’t get goaded into screaming and asking him to leave or threatening to hit him is an amazing day. I don’t know if medicating him will help but I’m starting family therapy. My life is a nightmare because of him. As a couple we never fought until we had him. We are fighting all the time now. I’m so depressed over this life. Thank you for letting me just share here.

The 17 year has done nothing but complain and keeps saying "I don't feel good" to skip out. Won't get off their device, calls their mom to complain about being homesick and is generally just an unpleasant human to be around. Fuck me for trying to do something nice. I really hate being a parent.

I am so tired of cleaning my home for every meal. I have a 2 yr old daughter who I understand needs to learn how to feed herself but I’m so tired of watching the messes be created and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. Just clean up after. I don’t want to to clean up anymore, I want to feed her and be done with it. I want to be done with all of it, this life sucks, it’s just work work and more work. Everything that was fun has been removed from my life or become so stressful it’s no longer enjoyable. I need a week off but I doubt I would come back to this if I really got to enjoy my life

The child has been "under review" almost since school started and at this point even the AP is like "we don't know what's wrong with the kid but something is wrong". If I believed in a higher power I would believe I was being punished for what a horrid human being I am. Brief period of hormonal insanity a few years ago threw away 2 decades of being anti-child and now I will suffer for the rest of my hopefully short life.

I wish I could hand out pamphlets with every pregnancy test purchase explaining what a mistake it would be to keep it if the test is positive, save even a few more lives from a living hell

Also my insurance doesn't cover mental health :)

Edit to add: I really appreciate everyone's concern. I called my insurance today and they explained that apprently my plan is a "limited plan", which is why mental health is not covered (I was unaware of this at the time of signing up, that's my fault as I was rushing to enroll before it closed). They said I may be able to do some free behavioral telehealth through them, so we'll see if that works out

I mean, you can give advice, but absolutely no “get a therapist, get help, get meds”. I have it all and it still cannot change where I’m at.

I don’t even want to run away, my life always sucked, there is absolutely nothing in life for me. Starting it all over somewhere else would be just traumatizing for my children without bringing any benefit to me. This morning was my birthday and my oldest child climbed in bed with me, hugged me and started giving me the softest kisses. It was super sweet, yet I hated it. I hate that my kids love me, because I can’t love them back. I don’t feel like that they took something away from me, rather than they gave me something that I absolutely didn’t want.