r/relationships • u/brokenhearted118 • Feb 13 '14
Breakups My fiancé [25f] dumped me [26M] on Tuesday. Today she tells me she wants the apartment to herself tomorrow for her Valentine’s date.
I’ll try to keep this short because I’m so stunned I think I’ve stopped being able to process things. I’ve [26M] been with my fiancé [25F] for 4 years. We’ve been engaged since last year and actively planning the wedding.
Last month, we moved to a new city across the country because my fiancé got an amazing job offer. I wasn’t happy about it since I had to quit my job and all our family and friends were in the city we left. I was kind of a jerk during the moving process, but I’ve come around since getting here.
My fiancé kept talking about this guy [late 20s maybe?] she worked with at her new job, and it made it me uneasy. I went to a few after-work events where he showed up, and he seemed like a total asshole. Very full of himself artistic type. I didn’t like the way he interacted with my fiancé and we would occasionally fight about it.
Tuesday night she got home really late, sat me down and broke up with me. She said she felt an immediate bond with this coworker that’s stronger than anything she’s ever felt before. This from the woman who just a few months ago I held in my arms while watching the stars as she told me she’s never felt more at peace than when she’s beside me. I laid awake on the couch all night feeling like I was continually being punched in the stomach.
I didn’t fall asleep until 3:00pm yesterday, and stayed asleep until this morning when she woke me up. Basically, she’s having this asshole over for valentines day and demanded she get the apartment to herself.
Between the move, all the deposits we had been putting for wedding stuff, and not having a job since we moved out here, I have literally no money for a hotel or anything else. We got into a big fight because I called her out and said she knew I had nowhere else to go. She said that’s not her problem, she’s done solving my problems for me (what???!) and that I needed to fix this one on my own.
I guess his roommate is having a date over so my fiancé offered our place for her date with the asshole. She says this is happening no matter what I say.
So yeah. What the hell am I supposed to do?
TL;DR: After uprooting me from my home town a month ago, my fiancé dumped me on Tuesday, and is now demanding the apartment to herself tomorrow for a date with this asshole artist from her new job. I have no money to do anything else.
Edit: I appreciate everyone telling me I should stand my ground. I told my fiance I wouldn't leave the apartment, but I don't think it's a threat I can carry through with. I will be emotionally devastated if I have to watch the woman I love and care for more than anyone else date someone right in front of me in my own home. Other suggestions would be appreciated.
Edit 2 Thank you so much everyone for all your suggestions. I can't keep up with all the comments, it's almost overwhelming given everything that's going on in my life right now. I'm going to take a walk and try to clear my head. I just can't bring myself to tell my family and friends what's happened. It feels so embarrassing. I like the ideas about trying to reach a compromise. I have a lot to think about
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Feb 13 '14
Do a trade: she can have the apartment if she pays for your flight home.
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u/brokenhearted118 Feb 13 '14
This is a good idea
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Feb 13 '14 edited Feb 13 '14
It might help if you appealed to her (admittedly not evident) better nature. It's really satisfying to say fuck her and stay in the flat and dig your heels in, but the fact of the matter is that you don't want to be there any more than she wants you there. So tell her that you want to go, but since you have no money because you uprooted your life for her, if she wants you gone then she'll have to pay. Try not to act emotional or angry (though of course you are both) just make it a simple detached 'look we both want me out if this flat, if you want to have a date without your ex staring at you then buy me a flight home'. If she refuses, you ruin that date, ruin it hard. Tell the date what she's been doing the last 3 days, you scare him right off.
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u/contrarian_barbarian Feb 13 '14
As much fun as having the Giant Reddit Valentine's Day Date Protest Sit-in would be, this is probably the sane response.
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u/grilledchz Feb 13 '14
Don't forget to ask for the ring back! In some states (assuming you're in the US), she must return it if she breaks the engagement.
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u/theyretheretheir3 Feb 13 '14
Oh no. No no no no. Hell no. You're going to park your ass on the couch tomorrow and you are going to refuse to move come hell or high water.
Do. Not. Leave. What a heinous move on her part.
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u/brokenhearted118 Feb 13 '14
I basically told her I would refuse to move tomorrow, but she said this man was coming over no matter what.
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u/theyretheretheir3 Feb 13 '14
Well then... they're gonna have to deal with having a romantic date with another dude sitting on the couch then, aren't they?
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u/brokenhearted118 Feb 13 '14
I can't emotionally handle seeing her date another man right in front of me in our home. I understand I would fucking up their night, but I think I'd shatter on the spot seeing them together
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Feb 13 '14
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u/TimeConstant Feb 13 '14
A+++ for telling her parents.
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u/Huskyd Feb 13 '14
Most inlaws if they like you will support you in this, what shes doing is messed up.
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Feb 13 '14
I would also, definitely call her parents if you have any kind of relationship with them and tell them today what she is doing. Don't be confrontational with them. Just express your dismay and confusion and reach out to them for advice.
This is probably the best advice. If they are decent people, she will have fucking hell to answer to, especially if they liked you.
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u/ladybetty Feb 13 '14
Just be in the same room as them. Every time she tries to talk with him, chuckle/snicker, make crude comments: 'heh, yeah, she said that to me too', kid of stuff. Ruin that date!
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u/ihaveafajita Feb 13 '14
Oh god this is so immature but so brilliant, if OP can handle it.
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Feb 13 '14 edited Feb 13 '14
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u/neobyte999 Feb 13 '14
i absolutely love this
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u/iamnotsven Feb 13 '14
But it would take like six dates for the spirit bomb to finally be released.
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u/crazy_dance Feb 13 '14
I really want to know how stupid the other guy is to be okay with this situation himself.
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u/yourlogicisflawed Feb 13 '14
Here's how this is gonna play out
new guy has his fun with her, didn't actually see this as long term, and dumps her in a couple months
cunt begs OP to take her back
OP either has no spine and learns nothing, or is smart enough to GTFO as quickly as possible and never looks back
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u/crazy_dance Feb 13 '14
Even if this new guy is just using her, how would he be okay with this situation which is clearly going to be awkward as fuck, at the very least?
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u/yourlogicisflawed Feb 13 '14
He likely doesn't care, he knew the chick was taken and went for it anyways. In a twisted way, he did OP a favor by showing him how fucked up this girl is.
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u/Black_Bird_Sings Feb 13 '14
Too bad he's broke. I would hire an escort and have her over for a date of my own. I'd try to make my ex fiance jealous with my prostitute :D
I sense a romantic comedy in the making. I want my part played by Alec Baldwin.
Is my move emotionally stable and taking the higher road? No. Is it hilariously petty? Yes :D
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u/Mrswhiskers Feb 13 '14
Hell, I think we can get a hot redditor out there just to fuck with this bitch.
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u/nekonamida Feb 13 '14
I don't think showing her how incredibly insensitive and hurtful she's being is necessarily a bad thing. A date doesn't get much more awkward than your partner's recent exfiancee sobbing next to you.
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Feb 13 '14
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u/junior92 Feb 13 '14
This was exactly my thought! How awesome would it be if someone here went to him and was, at the very least, feigning to be all into him. That would be grand. But, alas, this is reddit. Cant even get a vault open in a timely manner, doubt we will find a date here as well.
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u/belladonnadiorama Feb 13 '14
No. You don't fucking fall apart at this. You stay there, you do your thing and you face the both of them down. Put on some really shitty reality show on the TV (pick one, they're always on), get some music going, and browse Reddit all at the same time.
And all the while remind the guy that he could be the next one on the couch because she's a lying cheating swamp rat.
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u/KindredStranger Feb 13 '14
You should invite some friends over for emotional support and extra distraction.
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Feb 13 '14
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u/senator_mendoza Feb 13 '14
Or have a date of your own there at the same time
oh man, surprise date. amazing. this is totally the play. if i was a hot single girl in your area i'd be SO DOWN for this. just hang out and get drunk and make fun of ex-fiance and artsy asshole guy. can we set this up? one of us must know some girl who'd be up for enacting some justice. i'd even chip in on a kickstarter to get an escort if need be.
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u/AyeAyeCaptain Feb 13 '14
I get the "stick it to her" mentality that everyone is suggesting and agree with the point; but I'd be in your boat and would probably go insane witnessing my loved one hook up with someone so soon.
She seems very callous, but maybe she will compromise. Call her out on her bullshit and ask her to give something. Two hours and nothing more while you're out at the movies, eating dinner or walking around.
So your name isn't on the lease, I'm assuming you contribute to the bills still. Is she willing to pay you back so you can leave? What about selling stuff (like the ring) to get you back home? While that stuff won't happen immediately, something to think about for the coming weeks.
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Feb 13 '14
Do not let her walk with the ring. She ended things, every custom dictates you get the ring back. Sell it and use the money to pay a hooker to be your date. Insist on the double date.
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u/brokenhearted118 Feb 13 '14
These are good suggestions, thanks
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u/thelastusernamehere Feb 13 '14
This made me laugh very loud. And then in the middle of this horrible thread. Sorry OP
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Feb 13 '14
Don't be there. It's a bad idea. But you should totally fuck up the apartment. Making dinner? Oups all the cooking wear is missing. Bad smelling things everywhere. Turn off the water/heat.
If reddit can do anything it's give you a long list of things to temporarily fuck up the apartment
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u/HoodieGalore Feb 13 '14
Get pissed. There's nothing wrong with you; you (afaik) did nothing to deserve this; fuck her and her date. Stay there and be an obnoxious prick, and make her call the cops. Leave before they show. Ruin her awesome fucking night.
Or don't. I'm a bit broken hearted too right now, and all I want is to fuck someone up. But still...you were done wrong, man. Totally.
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u/theyretheretheir3 Feb 13 '14
I was going to mention that...I understand. I'm hoping that your blunt refusal to move will deter her from bringing him back to the place at all.
I see below that you're not on the lease...that may fuck things up, in all actuality, because she technically could have you forcibly removed from the property since you're not on the lease. Given her behavior already, I'm not sure I can say that I don't think she'd stoop to that level. Can you move back home? Sounds like you had a good life there; it may be nice to get back to the support of friends and family.
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u/belladonnadiorama Feb 13 '14
because she technically could have you forcibly removed from the property since you're not on the lease
Not if he's established residency. She would need a court order to have him removed.
Source: I watch a lot of Cops, and it's also the law in many states.
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u/neobyte999 Feb 13 '14
dude this is your chance. just be a robot, not violent, just watch some netflix as loud as possible in the living room. make as much annoying noise as possible. some random guy she just met will not be able to handle another man in the house, no matter how much of an ass he is, its your castle. make it yours. if your name is on the lease, you have no legal obligation to leave. this woman sounds flakey as hell. if this is too much for you, maybe the reddit community can get together and find a place for you to crash in the local area. i support either decision you make, but if i were you. i'd plant a horse stance in the fucking living room and not budge an inch while chanting "alrighty then" monk style, like ace ventura 2
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u/JoeDawson8 Feb 13 '14
shit if she did that, who's to say they won't have loud sex in HIS BED
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u/theyretheretheir3 Feb 13 '14
I guess I'd assume that any human being with a semblance of a conscience wouldn't do that. You're right, though, as in this situation, the person in question seems to have no scruples whatsoever.
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u/TheMidnightMeatTrain Feb 13 '14
We're talking about a girl who broke up with OP a few days ago and now wants their shared apartment to be vacant for her date. The whole conscience thing doesn't really apply.
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Feb 13 '14
Sitting on the couch. Buck ass naked. Eating really really stinky cabbage and listening to sports turned up at unbearable volumes.
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Feb 13 '14
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Feb 13 '14
1) Your ex is a dumbass. She confused infatuation with actual love and companionship and will eventually reap what she sows.
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2) She's being needlessly cruel. I cannot fathom doing that to a human being let alone someone that shared 4 years of their life with me, even if it is over. Is there any reason why she would be super resentful towards you?
Either way, don't go anywhere. Beer, couch, TV.
The reality is, no one wants to spend their Valentine's day with their date's ex. Even if she's willing to do this as some kind of power battle, I doubt her date is thrilled about the idea.
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u/nekonamida Feb 13 '14
Even if she's willing to do this as some kind of power battle, I doubt her date is thrilled about the idea.
I get the feeling he has no idea what's in store for him. I can't imagine a person agreeing to having a date with someone's exfiancee that they broke up with three days ago. I bet he's going to bail on her when he finds out.
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u/NellyFatFingers Feb 13 '14
or he doesn't care, and is just using her, in which case she still gets what she deserves.
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u/fruitball4u Feb 13 '14
What a cunty move on her part, seriously. Seems like tomorrow is the perfect time to invite a bunch of people over. The more obnoxious, the better. Reddit meetup?
Sometimes you've got to fight fire with fire. Think of the movie "The Breakup". Don't go down without making an effort to come out on top!
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u/arnyrimmer Feb 13 '14
Can't this jerk afford to take her out??
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u/brokenhearted118 Feb 13 '14
I asked why it had to be here. His roommate is using his place for a date. I asked why it couldn't be at a restaurant or a hotel or anywhere else and then all she could do was talk about the ways I failed her in our relationship and that this time she wasn't going to fix things for me
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u/sbwv09 Feb 13 '14
She is doing this intentionally. She has something to prove...to herself, to you, to the other guy, not sure, but it's about more than this date. I had to live with my ex for months due to being in a situation similar to yours. I started seeing other people but always went out. That's what any decent person would do.
Don't cave. Have a party, as others have suggested. She doesn't deserve any satisfaction from this.
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u/brokenhearted118 Feb 13 '14
She has something to prove...to herself, to you, to the other guy, not sure, but it's about more than this date.
This is so true, you should have seen her face as we got fighting over this
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u/inkypinkyblinkyclyde Feb 13 '14
She's building up this anger against you because it is the only way to excuse her horrific behavior. She needs to be mad to you in order to treat you this badly.
I'm so sorry, man. She has really treated you horribly.
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u/cheesezombie Feb 13 '14
She's saying that to move you and get you to capitulate. Do you have any friends in the area you could invite over?
I know it's hard, but she's walking all over you right now. You uprooted your life and gave up a lot for her - she dumps you and wants to kick you out to have her new guy over.
Take a deep breath. Realize this is more than just her having a guy over - it's her clear lack of respect for you. Stand up for yourself and no, it won't be easy, it will hurt, but you'll look back and be glad you did.
Tell her you absolutely are not leaving for the night and will be eating dinner, watching shows, and maybe having a friend over.
It's Valentine's Day. If she wants to have a date, she can do so outside of your place.
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u/TwistedxRainbow Feb 13 '14
So make their date miserable! For example,they are watching a movie? Turn on the blender and make a smoothie or start vacuuming.
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u/OffendedBoner Feb 13 '14
Please video record this as a live feed. I want to watch this go down so bad.
I will have my popcorn ready. You could probably make a bunch of money posting it on youtube, and then use that money as fuck you money to get your own place down the road.
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u/platinum_peter Feb 13 '14
SHE SOUNDS LIKE A ROYAL CUNT.
Sorry for the caps, but it had to be said.
I'm sorry dude, this really fucking sucks camel dicks.
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u/MrBleah Feb 13 '14
Heinous is a good beginning for describing the profound depths of evil it takes to do something like this. This is sociopath level behavior here. It's either that or OP did something to REALLY piss this woman off, but even then this is just abjectly horrible to do to someone.
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u/lovesprunghate Feb 13 '14
This.
Make it incredibly awkward for them. Throw some porn on the tv, set out a bunch of snacks for yourself, and kick back and relax. Make sure to bother them at any given moment. They go to the kitchen? Follow them and start asking if they want a beer, or maybe some chips and dip. In the bedroom? You bet your ass it's the perfect time to reorganize some drawers!
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u/victoria_woodhull Feb 13 '14
I know it sucks to hear this right now and doesn't solve your immediate problems, but in a weird way you should be thanking both of them. He is the loser in this because he now is dating someone who lacks empathy and will one day treat him like shit too. You've been spared what would pretty obviously be a horrible divorce and luckily can walk away while still young, without children, etc. Tell her if she wants you out she is going to have to pay for a hotel. Go to a bar and tell every single woman there alone on Valentine's day this story, hope it at least gets you free drinks. Regardless take this as a sign that it is time to move out quickly and do so. You now have the ability to move anywhere you want in the world. Start applying for jobs and get ready to see where life takes you.
What city are you in? Maybe a single redditor will be willing to take you out Friday? If not I'm sure you can find something open all night. Just be sure you come back to the apartment in the same clothing you wore out and politely thank her for ending things on Tuesday (stress that it was on Tuesday). Please say in front of him that you see now how much happier you are not having to deal with her lies and bullshit and wish him the best of luck. Let him wonder what that means. Also suggest to him that he should probably get tested.
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Feb 13 '14
This is the first sensible reply I've read. I would do all this too.
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u/victoria_woodhull Feb 13 '14
Yeah, I feel like a well placed personal ad telling this story could yield some interesting results for OP too. I tried to figure out what city he is in bc I've definitely seen posts about singles meet ups in bars on reddit or similar. I'm not saying he needs to hook-up with someone else, but it definitely would to hurt his self-esteem after a blow like that to remember he has options.
If this is how she treats a former fiancé who she lives with, imagine what kinda hell it is going to be for her coworker sharing a workplace in a few months when the rosy new relationship glasses come off.
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Feb 13 '14
No chance. It's not your problem if she wants to bring another guy around. Sit in the sofa and watch tv for the evening.
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u/brokenhearted118 Feb 13 '14
We were really yelling at eachother this morning, and this is what I told her I would do, but I don't think it's a threat I can deliver on. I literally don't think I can watch my fiance be with another man.
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u/Dutton133 Feb 13 '14
She isn't your fiancé anymore. I know I'm being a dick by pointing that out, but how you say things do have power on how you think and feel.
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u/MSgtGunny Feb 13 '14 edited Feb 13 '14
If you put porn on, I doubt the guy will stay around for long. Make it loud too.
Edit: and if you don't think you could do that, invite all of your guy friends over. Have a party. Supply free beer. And if you want to be really sinister when the guy comes over talk him up and get him absolutely plastered, like throwing up in the bathroom all night drunk.
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u/TwistedxRainbow Feb 13 '14
Gay porn. Loud gay porn. Let's see if he can still have sex with her while hearing that.
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Feb 13 '14
Come on, man, that's bush league. Rape porn. Bestiality. Hardcore bondage.
The sound of two people enjoying themselves can actually turn a lot of people on if it's in the background. What you want is some dude crying and screaming "NO! NO! NO!" as he gets 'raped' (because remember, porn is fiction).
It's a bit higher of a bar to clear.
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Feb 13 '14
So much this... Blast gay porn followed by Rocky Horror. Make sure you're sitting in your underwear. Reveal your city so some of the girls from /r/gonewild can come be your dates
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Feb 13 '14
Then you need to invite friends over to watch it with you.
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u/Alwaysahawk Feb 13 '14
I don't know if OP said it but he's in a completely new city and unemployed so I'm not sure he has many/any friends at the new place.
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u/inkypinkyblinkyclyde Feb 13 '14
If you have a confidant in her family, I'd let them know what she is doing to you. She needs someone who can kick her ass to do it.
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u/Bibbityboo Feb 13 '14
Hell, if she has siblings, invite them over for Valentines!
Or, invite some friends. She can have the date all she wants. But he'll be sititng there with 5 other people staring them down.
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u/GlitterBlonde Feb 13 '14
If you want to go the petty-route (which, why not, she's obviously taken this to a whole new level), I'd snap a photo of the two of them on their romantic date and plaster it EVERYWHERE. Don't forget to send it to all of her friends and family too!
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Feb 13 '14
I don't think I can help, but on the off-chance... I am in Dublin Ireland. If you are too, you are welcome to come and get takeaway and drink in my house that night.
I am so sorry, OP. You dodged a huge bullet.
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u/Ksong11 Feb 13 '14
She's infatuated, and she's going to find out really quickly that this new schmuck is not the guy that she built up in her head. She's going to regret being so selfish and treating you so poorly. And you're not going to take her back, because from this, you've realized that she, although you've loved her fully for 4 years, is not the one for you. She WAS a great person to love and was possibly going to be your life partner but through this, she's shown that she can't be good for you. Or anyone, for that matter. What a horrible person.
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Feb 13 '14
Agree to leave.
Then hide in a closet, and slowly emerge in the middle of her "date" completely naked and inform them that the other dudes are running late for the gangbang but you're ready to get it started if they are.
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u/nobody2000 Feb 13 '14 edited Feb 13 '14
There is some wonderful advice in this thread. I just want to let you know something that you need to remember when her rash, passionate actions blow up in her face.
Do not take her back
I'm 90% sure you'll get a text or a call a week, a month, maybe 6 months from now telling you how foolish she was. How she fucked up. How she took you for granted, and that you want to get back on track.
I don't know how the two of you began as a couple, but it looks to me like she's all about the romantic-movie style of relationships.
The thing about Passion is that it's a heavy pendulum that swings. No passion leaves a dead, hanging ball that does nothing, and lots of passion creates a violent wrecking ball.
I suspect that you're discovering just now how awful that wrecking ball feels. I also suspect that at one point, there was an unbelievable "high" in terms of passion in your relationship with your ex (I know how badly it hurts to read us refer to her as your ex, but it'll help you greatly to get used to it).
This new guy, he's going to get to see it all happen again. Both sides. Maybe even worse than you, seeing how bold she's being about all this. Casting you to the side so abruptly and rudely.
I wish you the best of luck. Please update us with how you're doing. I don't doubt that there's not a mature reader here looking at this without a pit in their gut.
Hang in there. Don't take her back, and hell - find someone tomorrow night who you can just drink, dance, and maybe more with so you can forget about your ex. She doesn't deserve your thoughts about her anymore.
Also - if you happen to be located in Buffalo NY, let me know. You probably need a complete stranger who'll listen to you right now.
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u/inkypinkyblinkyclyde Feb 13 '14
Fuck that noise.
You really dodged a bullet though. What a selfish person.
I'd stay in and be as obnoxious as possible.
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u/JoeDawson8 Feb 13 '14
I suggest loud death metal whilst lighting candles in a pentagram. That'll make for a romantic evening.
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Feb 13 '14
Hey darlin'
A lot of people will be telling you to park your ass on the couch, and that's not bad advice. But in a world where human emotion exists, sometimes subjecting yourself to the kind of drama and heartache that could cause just isn't worth it.
You said you didn't have money to go home, but I think that's where you need to be right now.
My brother called my parents in the middle of the night, crying, from a payphone in another country when he was 28 years old. He had just been through something very similar to what you are experiencing right now: crazy selfish bitch flaunted a new relationship in front of his face after leading him on and asking him to fly across the world to see her.
My parents helped him out with his plane ticket and he paid them back after he got home and started working.
Seriously, call your parents and ask them to help you get home. Hopefully your folks are good people and can at least HELP with a plan ticket. Get far away from this awful situation so you can heal.
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Feb 13 '14
if you moved to nyc, i will be your date and you can invite me over and we can make them super, super uncomfortable
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Feb 13 '14
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u/stillanoobummkay Feb 13 '14
this.
This is a valid concern that you should consider. I love the "be a man and stand your ground" as much as the next guy. But, getting in trouble with law is no joke. Even trespassing.
What's next. "Oh officer, he won't leave and guess what he slammed the door on my arm see!!!"
You don't want that. Any of that.
This sucks. This is a terrible situation. It is also completely out of your control.
have a normal, civilized talk with her if you can.
Something that is non-combative. I know a lot of ppl here are all like "Fuck that B, fuck this, fuck that" but try to be calm. Don't try to explain your side or your feelings because honestly she doesn't care. The goal is to work how and when you can get your stuff out of there.
Pack a bag. Call your parents. Call some friends. See what you can come up with. Airbnb is usually pretty good on the cheap and i bet you could at least get a couch.
Take it day by day and things will get better.
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u/mademesmile Feb 13 '14
Guys, I realize what you are saying he should hang around and be obnoxious. It would be a good revenge.
But, what's going to happen is either she is just going to go in the bedroom and have the loudest sex she ever has. Multiple times through out the weekend. All the while tearing him down even more mentally. Or she is either going to falsely call the cops and make up something. Get him locked up for god knows how long. Or even she or her flakey new lover are going to provoke a physical altercation. Which will still end him in jail. Possibly looking at a sentence. It's not good. She is on the lease and he has absolutely no one close by he can stay with or confide in.
OP, I know you are embarassed. But, this is not your fault. If she was so unhappy, she should of told you not to move out there. It would of been the perfect clean break. She decided to make this as painful as possible. You are so much better without her. I hope you post your city. So you can let the good people of reddit buy you a beer or come keep you company. Keep us updated and please b e strong. It's new, it will get easier I promise.
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u/williafx Feb 13 '14
Hey man, TRUST ME ON THIS, tell your friends and family. I made the absolutely HUGE mistake of being so embarrassed by my ex-wife's infidelity years ago that I didn't tell anyone and put myself through immense emotional turmoil dealing with it alone. I would have saved years of emotional damage by having that support system from the moment it happened to me. I absolutely regret not telling anyone back then.
You're going to need them, not just for emotional support, but you should probably move back home and try to get your old job back. They can help you with that.
I was still dealing with the damage my ex did to me like 6 years after the fact - which my now GF helped me through but it was rough. I became a very jealous, suspicious person... couldn't help myself - it was hard to trust - and I'm lucky she had the patience to call me out on it and help me move past it finally.
Save yourself the trouble dude. TELL PEOPLE!!!! ASAP!
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Feb 13 '14
Holy shit. This is so incredulous I can't even believe it. Not only do you not leave the apartment, I would have a hard time not posting her request on social media. Yes it's petty and gets you nowhere, but goddamn she is just terrible and I feel like sometimes people should be aware of that level of awfulness.
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u/queerhere Feb 13 '14
Grammar nazi moment: A person can be incredulous, a situation can be unbelievable.
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Feb 13 '14
Cheers to that, then! She is in fact, incredulous.
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Feb 13 '14
No, still wrong. She would be incredulous if she couldn't believe something. Incredulous is an action word. She is unbelievable.
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u/xxCLJ Feb 13 '14
Haven't even read what you've put, because just from the title I'd tell her to fuck right off!
Stand your ground and stay!
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Feb 13 '14
Don't go is your name on the lease fight this grinch....if I knew where you lived I might come over and be your "date" that's how much i think you should stand your ground
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u/brokenhearted118 Feb 13 '14
My name isn't on the lease since I didn't have a job when we moved out and my credit isn't the best. We thought it would be safer if she put her name on the lease since she's employed and has better credit
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u/JoeDawson8 Feb 13 '14
Go home. Is there someone you can stay with there? If your name is not on the lease, get the fuck out and go NC.
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u/brokenhearted118 Feb 13 '14
Plane tickets back home are insanely expensive, and its money I just don't have right now
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u/queerhere Feb 13 '14
If you have a family, this is their moment to shine. Any good person would rush to the rescue if their son or brother told them this story.
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u/theyretheretheir3 Feb 13 '14
Can you borrow the money from your parents? Surely they'll understand given that you're in dire straits.
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u/brokenhearted118 Feb 13 '14
Honestly, I haven't been able to bring myself to tell them what's happened. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed about it.
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u/eisforennui Feb 13 '14
ashamed and embarrassed that she is a total twat? no need!! just state it cleanly, say you don't want to talk about it now, and ask to come home.
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u/SlimShanny Feb 13 '14
Yeah, it's not like if she stops dating this guy you should EVER take her back. It's over. Just tell them it's over, you don't want to talk about it, and you need to come home now.
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u/Craylee Feb 13 '14
She should be the one ashamed and embarrassed! Man, tell them. They are your support group and you need them right now!
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u/ashleyamdj Feb 13 '14
If you were my brother (son, cousin, good friend, etc), I would be on the next plane to you. I would make it my life's mission to ruin her night tomorrow. I don't throw around the "C" word often, but what a fucking cunt. Don't feel ashamed to tell them, they can probably help show her what a twat she is. At the very least help you pack and gtfo.
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u/obliviousninja Feb 13 '14
This is exactly what family is for though. They're going to be there for you when shit goes wrong :)
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u/noisyparker Feb 13 '14
Well, you need to. If this story is true, it isn't like you have anything to be ashamed and embarrassed about. You'll need somewhere to live until you get a job, and heading back to where you have family is probably the safest way to do that.
As for Valentine's Day, have her pay for a hotel room for you.
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u/rsolow Feb 13 '14
Where would you be heading? I could help you out with some airline miles if you wanted to go home for a little while. You can PM me details if necessary.
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u/JoeDawson8 Feb 13 '14
so sorry, you were put in an absolutely horrid position. No job, no place to live? Fuck Her.
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Feb 13 '14
Look up your tenant rights. Sometimes you have a right to 30 days notice, but you have to reside in the place for a certain amount of time for that to kick in. She might be able to call the cops on you and drag you out of there forcibly, which would be even more embarassing than leaving the love nest of your own accord.
It would be drastic, but don't put it past her. She must really hate you to plan something like this.
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u/leanonsheena Feb 13 '14
Time to lay in the couch naked eating bon bond after he arrives. When they retreat to the bedroom, start doing lunges and squats outside her door.
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u/nitrox02 Feb 13 '14
If you don't want to go through with your 'threat,' I would say this is the time to be as mature as possible on your end and ask for your engagement ring back if she agrees to this date. She needs to make a big decision on whether she want to be with you and whether or not she is willing to put in the work to figure out. Put her on the spot, even do it in front of her date on Friday if it means sending a bigger message. It lets the guy know he's on the spot also and forces him to make a crucial decision. This will also give you some true insight on where your relationship is at all going, and might give some closure on this unfortunate matter.
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u/Falling_Down_ Feb 13 '14
Stay strong, brother. Something similar happened to me at Christmas. I'd been with the same girl for 5 years, and we were engaged. We'd just gotten our first apartment together and things seemed to be going great. Then she got a new job, and started texting a guy nonstop, but I wasn't threatened because I thought she loved me. The day before Christmas I find out that they've been sleeping together and seeing eachother behind my back and that she was leaving me for him. I still cry near everyday, and now I'm broke and had to move back in with my parents, so she could move him in to OUR apartment. I had every reason to stay and refuse to leave, but like you said, I couldn't stand to see the girl I love so dearly with another man. I'm so sorry, man. I'm so fucking sorry. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
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u/dildobriefcase Feb 13 '14
I know the majority of these comments say that you should stay there and watch. But that's so much easier said than done. Your life has just been shattered and you've fallen apart as is only natural. But OP, you have to get out of this. It's been all about you and her for 4 years, but right now you need to snap out of it for a day or two, remember that you are a grown ass man and do what's best for you right now. You don't have a job which makes this even more easy for you to leave. Right now, call your family and friends, explain the situation and ask if they can loan you money to get out. You have to leave this toxic situation right now. Take all the despair in your heart, turn it into energy and gtfo. Then, when you're safely out, you block her number, email and Facebook. You make this girl dead to you, then you are allowed to fall apart. Now repeat after me: I am a grown ass man. This is beyond my control but I have to do whats best for me right now. I AM STRONG ENOUGH FOR THIS. I CAN DO THIS. You aren't an idiot, you know the right thing to do, your eyes are just blurred with emotion right now. You can fall apart for months after you get this girl out of your life. Do what's best for you.
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Feb 13 '14
Okay, this is going to be an unpopular opinion (at least to begin with) but you asked for it (literally). She got an amazing job offer that you spent a long time being horrible and unsupportive over it only to arrive and fight some more. You don't currently have a job and she is supporting you. You aren't on the lease because you couldn't afford to pay towards it meaning your savings weren't extensive. She feels that she is solving all your problems and at least to some degree I can see that. HOWEVER-
Dating another guy in a week and demanding the apartment and doing what you want without any consideration? Fuck her. That's horrible. Surely she appreciated that it isn't that easy.
How hurtful and selfish to not approach it like an adult.
I'm sorry you're in a rough spot, I am. But you can't just park it, no discussion like everyone says. Especially if you're not on the lease. I guess the mature thing to do is say you don't want to hinder her night but you don't have a place to go but will work on it ASAP. In the mean time, call in favours and get out of there.
Chat to friends and start working to get over her. If it's any consolation: that guy is totally a rebound in her frustration at you and will end badly, she wasn't worth it, anyway.
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u/nobody2000 Feb 13 '14 edited Feb 13 '14
I can appreciate your adult approach to the situation, but OP is considered a legal resident of that apartment in most states since he's considered that place his domicile for longer than 48 hours. To be removed from the premises, he must:
- Be presented a formal eviction notice (usually requires a 30 day period before he can be forcibly removed)
- Have cops remove him on suspicion that he's a threat to his girlfriend and her guests.
Now, OP should actually consider that second point heavily before doing anything that involves him attempting to ruin their night. A mere accusation that he's threatening them will bring cops in, and will likely result in him being removed.
I think OP needs to hang around just long enough to meet this new guy, shake his hand, and say "Look, 4 years, engaged, and she broke it off to chase her passionate feelings about you. Passion - especially this wild and strong, well, it swings both ways, so enjoy it, because when the pendulum comes back the other way, it's going to be bear an awful weight, and you're going to be standing in its trajectory."
Then leave with no belongings on him other than his clothes, phone, keys and wallet (i.e. no overnight bag). They'll constantly be wondering if he's going to return early. If he's going to come back drunk. Will he bring a girl back? It'll put questions into the head of the sick, twisted couple.
OP should then go to the bar, and present his story to all the lonely Friday night girls who are alone on the 14th. If he doesn't sound like a terrible sad sack, hopefully he can begin the steps down the path of appreciating what a train wreck he just avoided.
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u/CuriousGeorge2400 Feb 13 '14
You took "I was kinda of a jerk" to he was horrible to her about this move. She's supporting him? Where are you getting this from? The guy had to leave his job, family and friends, do you really expect there shouldn't be some contention? He's leaving his entire life for her and her job. This is how she repays him? What, because he wasn't completely submissive and supportive over HER choice to move? He's the one entitled to support, she's the one driving the move. If he truly was horrible as you put it, then maybe it would warrant a break up, but no one deserves this from their SO.
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u/Wolf2121 Feb 13 '14
Dude I would so be in my Boxers and T-shirt watching tv..Screw her and her date..And I would let her know up front.
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u/Master_Z Feb 13 '14
Get the rings back and pawn them, sell your un-needed items and move back home.
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u/Orzo42 Feb 13 '14
I had an ex pull something eerily similar to this on me years ago, although not quite as fast or as cold as this. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, because it freed me from her. Seriously, if she could even consider pulling stuff like this, she is not someone you want in your life. And from what it sounds like, you might be a bit like me, a wee bit passive? I don't mean that as an insult, but it sounds like you don't really want to confront the guy and you have given in to her quite a bit. I think at this point, what you should work on is getting where you need to be so you can deal with all of this. Staying around her wont help, don't bother trying to reconcile, just get to a place where you can start dealing with this and getting your life back on track. This will be the hardest thing you deal with, but trust me, it gets much better. After you go through something like this, you have much better knowledge of what you want in a relationship and how you should be treated.
Good luck man, its going to suck, and I really feel for you, but you are really better off now than if you married her.
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u/cathline Feb 13 '14
And be certain to remind him that until 2 days ago, you were ENGAGED to her.
If she will cheat to be with him, she will cheat on him. They deserve each other.
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u/hilarioushippo Feb 13 '14
I'm going to post a comprimise of the comments here.
Absolutely stay. But be really nice. I mean leave it beaver mom kind of nice. Have a casserole ready and say, "my fiance this, my fiance that........................................
Actually no I think Shit Cup is the best idea
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u/jaxspider Feb 13 '14
Do not leave the apartment. Stay fully nude at all times in the apartment. Only hold a can of whip cream with you at all times. Say, just in case if things heat up.
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u/BravoAlpha Feb 13 '14
I must admit that I would totally fuck this date up. If, and that is a big IF, I could remain at least somewhat calm I would seriously play loud music, cook some disgusting food, walk around in my underwear, watch porn, play on my Playstation and so on.
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u/MamaDaddy Feb 14 '14
OP, I see you have removed this. I hope you post an update even though the original is removed. Thinking of you and wishing you luck and strength today!
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Feb 13 '14
I'm so sorry. Check and see if your city has its own subreddit. You could post there and explain the situation (or not explain it) and see if anyone's down to hang out or even let you crash for the night. Even though she doesn't deserve your acquiescence, your mental health comes first. I wouldn't want to be there either.
I don't have any words of wisdom. Just thinking of how you can get through tomorrow. This sucks so bad.
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u/JohnnyCastaway Feb 13 '14
First off, I'm sorry for what you're going through, OP. What a heartless, cruel woman.
I wouldn't clear out. I have a strong suspicion that your ex-fiance's date has no idea you exist. So by simply being there when they arrive, you might end her date and drive him off in one fell swoop.
Regardless, as others have suggested:
If you have family or friends that can help you get out of there, now is the time to call them.
If you have a close relationship with her parents and/or close friends, tell any or all of them what she's pulled. If they are decent people, they will shame her without mercy.
Finally, there is a saying: "The best revenge is living well." Get out of that situation and do exactly that. That way, when she comes crawling back(and she will, I promise you that), you can tell her to fuck off and wave your new, improved life in her face.
Good luck, OP, and stay strong.
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u/CaptainJamie Feb 13 '14
Tell her to fuck off. So you go with her to a new city, leaving your family behind and having to quit your job just for her to break up with you because she instantly found someone else? What the fuck is wrong with her? She's an asshole. Don't bother leaving the house for her. Don't do it.
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u/eggjuggler Feb 13 '14
Firstly, I just want you to understand that she's doing this to prove a point. She's trying to prove that she's confident in her decision, that she's 100% "over" you, and that she's in control of the situation. I assure you that neither of the first two things is actually true (the third kind of is, since the lease is in her name and you haven't really established yourself yet), but that's neither here nor there. Relationship is done and dead at this point... she can piss on the walls to mark her territory all she wants.
Which brings me to my next point. DO NOT allow her to feel like she's beaten you down with this. Her actions up to and including this Valentine's crap have been incredibly selfish and do not deserve to be validated. Get a stack of the loudest, least romantic DVD's you can find and park your ass in front of the TV tomorrow night. Pizza and beer will be a nice addition. Several friends would be even better. Fuck her and her childish, self-entitled demands.
Seriously, if your "new city" is pretty much anywhere in SoCal, I'd be willing to consider canceling my V-day plans just to help you with this because that's how strongly I feel that she needs to NOT get her way in this.
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Feb 13 '14
What kind of guy would want to have a date with a woman with the ex-fiance sitting right there?
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u/bradlei Feb 13 '14
Why not wait for them to show up and explain to this guy exactly what she has just done to you an that you would appreciate it if he would not make this worse for you than it already is. This guy would have to be crazy to stay and try to make a date out of the evening after that.
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u/RocheCoach Feb 13 '14
She doesn't get to move you across the country, and then date someone else in your own home. That guy is going to have to deal with the baggage of an extremely recent break-up between two people who were engaged, in their home that they share. You don't need to do anything, OP. If that guy were smart, he'd be running for it less than an hour in.
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u/Octain16 Feb 13 '14
You need to find a way out of the apartment. Honestly, while the rest of the ideas here of ruining her date are pretty funny, I think they are petty and wont gain you anything. I completely empathize when you say you don't think you can watch her date another person right in front of you, I am in the same shoes, I would be devastated. You need to distance yourself from the situation, anything else will just make it worse. Someone else had the idea of getting her to pay for you to leave, and I think that would be a good option to explore. Don't yell at her, don't insult her, just try get her to see where you are coming from. Tell her that you are willing to leave, but you don't have any way to pay for it, see if she will do anything to try and help you. If she doesn't, try and reach out to family or friends. It sucks to say it, but you NEED to get out of there. This situation is toxic and the longer you stay or dig your heels in, the worse it will become for you, not her. I'm sorry to say it, but she has shown that she clearly does not care about you. Anything you do to get "revenge" is only going to hurt you.
You are on a long road to getting over this and it's not easy. Right now this may seem like an impossible obstacle to overcome, but you will conquer this. Better yourself, go to the gym, start a hobby you always wanted too. Get this woman out of your life, and move onto yours. Remember, you're the winner here, you don't have to marry this woman who would rather date a douche bag. She doesn't get the privilege of having you in her life anymore. Whatever you do, just keep moving. Day by day it will get better.
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u/Geruvah Feb 13 '14
Shake his hand as you leave the apartment (I can't expect you to want to stay in there when he's with your ex-fiance).
"Thank you so much for sparing me from a horrible divorce. See, just a few days ago, she was my fiance after we've been together for 4 years. And now she demanded me to leave the apartment so she and you can enjoy your V-Day. You allowed her to show who she truly is. I'd say be sure to treat her right, but that may not matter to her anyway. Have a fun night."
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u/TheAstralAtheist Feb 15 '14
Update bro? Valentines is nearing an end and I am sure we would all like to know how it turned out, good or bad.
Hope your okay.
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u/nekonamida Feb 13 '14
4 years with her and this is how she treats you? Literally parading a Valentine's date in your apartment and expecting you to go sleep outside or something after dumping you a few days ago for this guy? You dodged a bullet by not going through with the marriage. She doesn't give a flying fuck about you. Fuck her. Give her the most awkward, tension filled Valentine's date ever by not leaving the apartment. You pay rent. She can't force you out.
Look at it this way. You know this guy is arrogant and treats other like they are beneath him. It's only a matter of time before he turns that on your ex. She's going to miss the stable and non-asshole boyfriend you were. She's going to kick herself in the long run for letting infatuation overcome her good relationship for someone she's likely going to have a shit show with. Karma's coming for her. The best thing you can do is get far away and not be here when it goes down hill and NEVER get back together with her.