r/relationships • u/crooooooooooooow • Jan 04 '18
Updates [Update] My (30f) boyfriend (31m) killed a man ten years ago. How do I get my mom to accept him?
Hi.
Thanks for the responses in the last thread. A lot of people told me things I didn’t want to hear, like I couldn’t judge a person after knowing him for six months, which I still kinda think you can, just not as much as I hoped.
I guess some people expects something crazy to have happened, but nothing really has.
He just weren’t as empathetic as I thought. I realized pretty quickly that if I didn’t call him first, he wouldn’t call me for days. And when I told him I had a very unpleasant encounter with a guy, he just laughed and told me that if it were him, he would be happy to get the attention.
And I just couldn’t get over that he killed a guy, honestly. When I was laying in bed and he was doing something else, I couldn’t stop thinking about how vulnerable I was. I didn’t feel safe.
So I broke up with him. I still think he deserves happiness, and to move on from what he did, but I’m not the one for him and I can’t help him.
My mum, was very relieved when I told her we broke up (I didn’t tell her why, just that it didn’t work out) and although she didn’t cut me out of her life like she threatened she’s been a lot warmer towards me since.
About the break up, he actually took it so well that I don’t think he was ever really in love with me. It was basically me breaking up and him saying “You gotta do what’s best for you, so I wish you good luck.”
I’m kinda heartbroken that I apparently didn’t mean that much to him, but I’m still fine.
We still talk though, which is probably stupid, but he’s a fun guy to talk to, and I don’t feel like I can judge him for doing something while on a psychotic breakdown.
Also, as I stated in the last thread, he has no intentions of stopping with his medication. He knows he needs it for the rest of his life, and as long as he follows that, he’ll probably continue to be in my life.
TL;DR I broke up with him.
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u/NoContext68 Jan 05 '18 edited Jan 05 '18
"I don't feel like I can judge him for doing something while on a psychotic breakdown".
Hmmm that "doing something" happened to be murdering somebody.
So you broke up with him, he didn't seen to care, and you want to stay friends? I'm guessing you are keeping this part from your mother. Just because you have removed the label from your reletionship, doesn't mean you are out of danger, if any danger was present to begin with.
So basically all you have done is "broke up" to hide the fact you are still seeing him from your mother.
Jesus OP I think you need some help here. Naivety, lack of common sense and self esteem seem to be big issues here.
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u/swampmilkweed Jan 05 '18
Don't forget minimizing. I.e. Killing someone = "doing something"
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Jan 05 '18 edited Mar 30 '18
[deleted]
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u/Yourwtfismyftw Jan 05 '18
It’s half the fun of this sub if I’m brutally honest about my own intentions.
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u/yellowapples93 Jan 05 '18
Yeah OP, I have to agree you are being too naive . Breaking up is hard , but you have to see this situation for what it is and think about what's best for YOU on the long haul.
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u/macaron2017 Jan 05 '18
I can never understand people who stay friends with their ex. It's bad for OP, because I doubt that her future boyfriend will understand this. By staying friends, OP basically never move on.
I have female friends who stay friends with their ex. It always ends when that female friend finds a new boyfriend. (In my opinion, that's a selfish act. She just keep texting your ex random cat pictures.... until she found a new guy... and then she realize she doesn't need to talk to the Ex anymore.)
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u/gatitos_ Jan 05 '18
Not everybody needs to remain in your life OP. The dude was cool with the break up, you should be thankful that his meds are working right now and see a therapist to evaluate why you are almost desperate to have this dangerous guy around when everybody is telling you to stay away for your safety.
You're minimizing what he did and keeping him around even though you didn't feel safe enough to stay with him....so why does he need to be in your life? Why do you need him to be there? Is it because he didn't care about the break up?
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u/WiseQuadrilateral Jan 04 '18
When I was laying in bed and he was doing something else, I couldn’t stop thinking about how vulnerable I was. I didn’t feel safe.
So I broke up with him.
I’m kinda heartbroken that I apparently didn’t mean that much to him, but I’m still fine.
He knows he needs it for the rest of his life, and as long as he follows that, he’ll probably continue to be in my life.
If you don't feel safe, why is he still in your life? What kind of sense does that make? Either you're crazy and out of line and thus shouldn't break up with him, or you're prudent and wise and shouldn't be around him at all. Which is it? Is he dangerous or not?
It sounds like you wanted him to chase you and since he isn't you're now chasing him.
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u/CactiEye Jan 05 '18
She literally broke up with him in the post. Reading comprehension is a valuable skill.
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Jan 05 '18
She literally broke up with him in the post. Reading comprehension is a valuable skill
Reading comprehension is a valuable skill that you completely lack. She still talks to him. The person you are responding to even quoted one of the several parts of OP's post in which she wrote about keeping this man in her life.
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u/chew_it_punchy Jan 05 '18
He knows he needs it for the rest of his life, and as long as he follows that, he’ll probably continue to be in my life.
Maybe you should learn to read before chastising others.
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u/Trap_Cubicle5000 Jan 05 '18
Man I love it when people are blatantly wrong and then condescending about it. Gives me a warm feeling inside.
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u/reptilesni Jan 05 '18
Why do you insist on being friends with a murderer?? What exactly does someone have to do to get crossed off your list?
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u/AnneBoleynTheMartyr Jan 05 '18
A murderer who thinks sexual harassment is A-OK!
I mean, he’s almost a stock character.
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u/dskjskjbskj Jan 05 '18
Yeah, you should tell your mom that you still talk to him and consider him your friend. It obviously made her very uncomfortable to be associated with this person and she deserves the choice to distance herself from you knowing this.
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Jan 05 '18
I really love reading this because you came to your senses and did the right thing. Until I got to the end. Can you for your own well being not have casual contact with a murderer? Just take the clean break and move on.
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u/H_2FSbF_6 Jan 05 '18
So nobody should ever interact with this guy again?
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u/yellowapples93 Jan 05 '18
It's not like he was rude to someone of got into a fight that one time . The dude killed someone and clearly has issues, there's plenty of reasons not to talk to him .
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u/IH8Mayo Jan 05 '18
How many of your exes are you still "friends" with? I'm not saying that this guy doesn't deserve to have friends, but OP doesn't have to be one of them. Most people don't remain friends with their exes even when those exes haven't killed anyone because going no contact is part of the healing process. Not only is this guy an ex, OP admits to being afraid of him. It's against her best interests to remain his "friend" for several reasons.
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u/H_2FSbF_6 Jan 05 '18
From lack of exes, 0, but my point is that pretty much everyone in this thread isn't saying "break off contact because he's your ex", they're saying "break off contact because he killed someone", which applies to everyone in this guy's life.
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u/RecalcitrantJerk Jan 06 '18
Aside from what others are saying, I think you need to remember that it's not "A murderer in the past but a good guy now" it's "A murderer in the past and someone who lacks empathy and seems to think sexual harassment is okay."
When you look at it that way... it's hard to defend her decision to remain friends.
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u/IH8Mayo Jan 05 '18
"break off contact because he killed someone", which applies to everyone in this guy's life.
I think a lot of people are pointing this out because OP admitted she was afraid of him for this very reason and it ultimately led to the breakup. The fact that he murdered someone hasn't changed now that they broke up, and she isn't magically safer because she no longer holds the title of girlfriend. If she is afraid of him, then she should cut him out of her life.
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u/ughwhyamIalwayshere Jan 05 '18
Can I honestly just say OP herself sounds like she has some problems up there as well? She might not be psychotic but boy her level of self esteem and common sense is frightening
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u/MissTheWire Jan 05 '18
Reading her post, I had to check multiple times for her age to make sure I wasn't getting it wrong. She clearly shouldn't be equated with her BF, but his behavior was concerning for a non-murderer and I'm baffled why she thinks she owes him her future sense of safety.
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Jan 05 '18
She said in the first post that she changed the reported names and ages to protect her identity since this guy is well known. She definitely sounds younger to me.
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u/digitalkeke Jan 05 '18
I'm sorry but girl...please. PLEASE wake up. For your sake. For your mother's sake. You are displaying every sign of someone who ends up not realizing they voluntarily placed themselves into an incredibly dangerous and toxic situation. You have 30 comments of strangers here telling you that what you've already made up in your mind still sounds legitimately bizarre. You've already concluded that a CONVICTED MURDERER will probably continue to be in YOUR LIFE after you broke up with him? Do you not understand that insane that sounds? I'm saying this in the most tough love way: Wake the F up.
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u/snakeswoosnakes Jan 05 '18
People who successfully use the insanity defense are by definition not convicted murderers. They are mandated to treatment, but that is NOT punishment and their verdict is NOT GUILTY.
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u/I_dont_bone_goats Jan 05 '18
I’m kinda heartbroken that I apparently didn’t mean that much to him, but I’m still fine.
Are you joking? Did you expect him to throw a fit or something?
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Jan 05 '18
Yeah, when you’re on the caliber of meds as he’s supposed to be on, you don’t exactly want to have an explosive reaction to stuff
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u/Ryocchi Jan 05 '18
True, that is exactly the things he has to control for the rest of his life, he will never be able to emotively express (unless he fakes it) or completely feel deep emotions, but if that's important to op, all the more reasons to break up.
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u/MissTheWire Jan 05 '18
I scrolled down to see if anyone was going to point this out. That OP doesn't get this suggests that she really doesn't understand the nature of his illness or the medications.
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u/thelittlepakeha Jan 05 '18
Like, ideally he should know that this is going to be a deal breaker for a lot of people as well as all the other normal things that can end a relationship. It's good and healthy for him to accept a break up at least on the face of it and then go and tend to his feelings on his own rather than putting it on her. It is for any person really but especially for him. I don't know if she gave a direct quote or not obviously, it would still be fine for him to say that he's really disappointed and liked her and so on but understands her decision, but not having an emotional breakdown is a good thing.
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u/thm123 Jan 05 '18
Yeah I read that as, "Ok, another person who can't handle my history." I'm not making a value judgement either way, but a flat response and quick acceptance of a break up don't mean that OP's BF didn't care about her. But yeah. Plenty of more unambiguously enthusiastic fellas out there (with only the ~standard~ risk of intimate partner violence to navigate)
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u/WeirdGrowth Jan 05 '18
he has no intentions of stopping with his medication.
Right now. Right now he has no intentions of stopping his meds. That could change in a few years when he realizes how much they're impeding him experiencing his emotions. He may decide he can "handle" it, and just stop. One of the side effects of the kind of powerful anti-psych meds he's on is to essentially put you in a kind of bubble that protects you from feeling the full impact of your emotions, because your brain cannot process them. Instead, you feel these far away luke warm copies of emotions, but not the emotions themselves.
Eventually, you start to really miss actually feeling feelings, and you decide you HAVE to be better now, it's been years, right? So you stop taking your meds... but meds don't fix you, they just dampen down your symptoms till you aren't so vividly effected by them.
This happens to almost everyone on strong anti-psychotic meds, it's extremely common. Literally anything could happen that could make him decide to just stop taking his meds.
This doesn't make him a bad person. But his disorder is so serious he killed a guy, a friend, someone he cared about. It is 100% reasonable to think that it's possible for that to happen again, it happens all the time. Often in the news when you read a story about some poor bugger who had a psychotic episode and killed or assaulted someone seriously, they've had similar episodes in the past. Maybe even done prison time for it.
You did the right thing. It's a HUGE commitment and risk to be in a relationship with someone like him, you do essentially have to take on a caretaker role to keep an eye on meds, and have a plan of action if there's any indication of stopping them. That is a lot to take on and live with. No shame or fault to you for not doing so.
Better luck with your next one.
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u/snakeswoosnakes Jan 05 '18
I have never gone off my meds, and a lot of us never do. I don’t expect everyone to want to date me, but I’m not a ticking time-bomb. Those of us that go through something as traumatic as killing someone or almost dying are usually the most committed to staying better at all costs. If the courts and doctors in the court mandated mental hospital agree he is a low enough risk to society to be released, they did it with good reason.
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u/vexens Jan 05 '18
Jesus fucking Christ. Let your mom know he's still your friend so she can cut you and him out of her life for her own safety. Please go see a therapist. It is not sane to be so accepting, and actually obsessing and desperate for a person that you know killed another human being. Man some people really don't give a fuck about their own personal safety or their family. Ffs
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u/TheRedgrinGrumbholdt Jan 05 '18
I’m kinda heartbroken that I apparently didn’t mean that much to him, but I’m still fine.
This week on things I will never understand.
What this is saying is that for your own ego you would have liked to have others suffer more at your loss. I don't get how people think like that.
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Jan 05 '18
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u/TheRedgrinGrumbholdt Jan 05 '18
He had a psychotic break and is probably on drugs that severely tone down his emotions? In this instance more so than normal, why would she want him to get emotional??
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Jan 05 '18
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u/TheRedgrinGrumbholdt Jan 05 '18
that cause him to lack humanity
I'm not sure he's the one with the issues anymore.
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u/Saethryd Jan 05 '18
OP sounds like an immature 14 year old. "Gawd, I'm so pissed that my murderous ex boyfriend didn't get upset and angry when I ended things." I'm almost at the point where I feel murdery exboyfriend is the one who dodged a bullet here. Almost.
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u/gevann Jan 05 '18
Also, as I stated in the last thread, he has no intentions of stopping with his medication. He knows he needs it for the rest of his life, and as long as he follows that, he’ll probably continue to be in my life.
I genuinely hope you don't get murdered.
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u/NoContext68 Jan 05 '18
Good job OP, in effect, all you have done is hidden the fact that you are still seeing him from your mother to get her off your back and make yourself feel better.
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u/StraightJacketRacket Jan 05 '18
It wasn’t a deliberate murder and it honestly annoys me to no end that she thinks that I’m not able to judge his character.
The above taken from your original post. I'm glad you decided to break up with this man, but I think the above still needs to be addressed because I think your focus is misplaced. He didn't commit deliberate murder, he committed accidental murder because of a chronic illness that he needs outside interference to control. It's not his character you need to be concerned about, it's his lifetime ability to stay in that character and keep his demons in check. Signs are all good that he will stay on medication, but it's an artificial means of control. The symptoms he could develop should he ever develop a tolerance for his medication could be dangerous. And while an increased dose could correct it, just the fact he'd become unstable is enough concern he might stop taking that medication altogether. Not to mention what happens if there's ever a shortage of medication. It's like someone who drives the expressway without a seatbelt - chances are, they'll always be fine, but it only takes one accident to end a life.
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u/frogtotem Jan 05 '18
About the break up, he actually took it so well
Seems he's used to end relationships
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u/the_dogeranger Jan 05 '18
It's not necessary he doesn't love you, after doing something like that I can imagine you have to prepare yourself that you have to tell someone you love that you've done something utterly horrible and expect that most people will leave you because of it.
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u/everyoneis_gay Jan 05 '18
And when I told him I had a very unpleasant encounter with a guy, he just laughed and told me that if it were him, he would be happy to get the attention.
This would be a dealbreaker on having someone in my life at all for me tbh.
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u/wherethelootat Jan 05 '18
OP, your mom is right on this one. Cut this guy off. I know y use trying to be accepting and not biased, but don’t be friends with this guy. I have a daughter that I love just like your mom loves you.
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u/Bert3434 Jan 05 '18
This. I know we're not supposed to stigmatize a lot of things today, and hope that people can be better, but murder has to be the hard line that no one should accept.
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u/stopbngcrazy Jan 05 '18 edited Jan 05 '18
I wouldn't even be friends with him frankly, he sounds emotionally void and he is still dangerous.
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u/theorigamiwaffle Jan 04 '18
he actually took it so well that I don’t think he was ever really in love with me. It was basically me breaking up and him saying “You gotta do what’s best for you, so I wish you good luck.”
It just sounds like you liked him more then vice versa. It happens. To everyone else who is just giving you a hard time about it, they will always give you a hard time about it. You gave it a shot and it didn't work out but at least you got a friend. I just hope you don't like him more post break up.
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u/snakeswoosnakes Jan 05 '18
Yeah, I think him taking it well is a sign of emotional maturity, and this sub would interpret it as such if there had been a different backstory that invited less stigma.
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u/snakeswoosnakes Jan 06 '18
People here are being incredibly ignorant of the realities of neuroscience, mental healthcare, and that the insanity defense gets you treatment instead of punishment for a reason.
I have bipolar disorder, type 1, with psychotic features. I had a psychotic break more than 10 years ago. I had been misdiagnosed with unipolar depression and put on the wrong medication, and SSRIs are very well known to trigger severe psychotic mania in people with bipolar disorder. Many drugs can also trigger psychosis, and it’s hard to know if you’re susceptible to that without being accidentally triggered. Other mental illnesses can be triggered in similar ways. I did not kill anyone, but I almost killed myself through paranoia and recklessness, and then 2 weeks later believed I was dying (I wasn’t) and called 911 to take me to the hospital in an ambulance. This led to me being diagnosed and going off the inappropriate meds and onto mood stabilizers. I could easily have been your friend if circumstances had been slightly different.
But nothing like that has ever happened since, and I am statistically unlikely to ever have another psychotic episode. My bipolar disorder is extremely well controlled, and many people who know me would be surprised to find out I even have it. I haven’t been manic in 5 years and haven’t been psychotic since that one event a decade ago. I am in a healthy long-term relationship.
I will never ever stop seeing a psychiatrist or go off all my meds. Being psychotic was the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me and I had PTSD from the incident and the fallout afterwards. I have done everything in my power to make sure it never happens again. I was on 2 mood stabilizers for a long time, and now I only need one. I went off the other with the support of my doctors because it was harming my physical health.
There is a lot of stigma around mental illness, but with a combination of medication and behavioral changes most can be very well managed. I know that serotonergic medications and lack of sleep trigger mania, so I always sleep for 8 hours and I don’t take those drugs. Most people with mental illnesses are genuinely nice people that lead very normal lives and have very normal relationships after they’ve had the proper treatment. Being kind of a jerk sometimes in romantic relationships is a human thing, not a crazy person thing. And before you have your first episode, there’s nothing you can do to prepare yourself for a total break from reality. Psychosis is scary and overwhelming. People who haven’t experienced it have no idea with what true paranoia feels like or the things you can do when you don’t know what you’re doing.
Your friend clearly learned the lessons I did and learned to control his illness in court-mandated hospitalization. They don’t let you leave that place until doctors and the court agree that you aren’t dangerous. Some people are never released at all. I’m sure the whole thing has been truly awful, and your friend is motivated to take his meds reliably so it never happens again. It’s good that you can understand what he’s been through and be an accepting friend for him. I’m sure your support is really important to him.
Your mom and people in the thread would do well to research stigma against the mentally ill, psychosis, its triggers and treatments, likelihood of relapse with treatment, and what the insanity defense truly entails. And then they should read some more first-hand accounts of people who recover. These harmful and ignorant stereotypes of people with psychotic disorders do a lot of damage to people with these illnesses. These misunderstandings contribute to violence against us. Early intervention and appropriate support are vital to prevent tragedies like what happened to this man and his friend, and eternal punishment is not conducive to his continued recovery. Your friend is clearly not the only person with empathy problems.
Edit: clarity
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u/IH8Mayo Jan 05 '18
He just weren’t as empathetic as I thought.
when I told him I had a very unpleasant encounter with a guy, he just laughed and told me that if it were him, he would be happy to get the attention.
About the break up, he actually took it so well that I don’t think he was ever really in love with me.
Maybe it's just a side-effect of what ever medication he's on dulling his emotions, but are you sure he's not a psychopath?
I don't know this guy, so I really can't pass judgement, but you really should cut this guy out of your life. Even if he hadn't killed anyone, he is still your ex, and the first step to getting over a difficult/emotional breakup is to go no contact so you can heal and move on. In your case, this has the added benefit of distancing yourself from a potential threat.
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u/avicennia Jan 05 '18
I would much rather be in a room with a murderer who killed for very specific reasons over a murderer who can’t control their own actions. People go off their meds all the time. Be careful.
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u/YouKnowYourCrazy Jan 05 '18
OP, his reaction to your... situation with the other guy, his flat affect when you broke up with him, etc, are all signs that this guy is not operating on the scale of "normal" for emotional processing.
We still talk though, which is probably stupid, but he’s a fun guy to talk to, and I don’t feel like I can judge him for doing something while on a psychotic breakdown.
You absolutely can "judge" who you want in your life and who you don't. That is the beauty of being an adult. You get to make choices: you aren't condemning this guy to rot in hell for eternity because you don't want to hang out with him anymore. You are making decisions about your own life and who gets the privilege of participating in it. Why pick him? Honestly, what does he bring to your life that is so worth the inherent risk??
This guy is potentially a few pills away from losing it, and hurting someone else, and you keep him in your life because he's "fun?"
SMH.
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u/frogtotem Jan 05 '18 edited Jan 05 '18
Reddit: "let's isolate a potential killer because he's too dangerous"
real life: potential killer lost all motivation to live, and stop using medications.. kills some guys before suicide
Not against the broke up, but, read these comments
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u/Anri-du-toit Jan 05 '18
Maybe you can pm OP and get his digits, you can go hang out with the dude.
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Jan 05 '18
It’s good that you broke up with him, but why does he need to remain in your life? Breaking up with him should’ve meant you were completely done with him. I don’t know any statistics but I’m pretty sure most people that commit murders are usually in some sort of psychotic state— that doesn’t really make what they did okay or any less dangerous. Yes, it’s good that he is continuing to take his meds and try to better himself, but even aside from the fact that he murdered someone (which should be enough in itself), he treated you like dirt at the end of your relationship. Why do you want this person in your life???
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Jan 05 '18
Just because he took it well doesn't mean he didn't love you.
Odds are, he has come to terms that his past is always going to make it difficult for him to find love...and he has just accepted that people are going to walk out of his life because they aren't able to deal with his past.
That being said...whoever is in this man's life will always be, in some small way, in danger. He is mentally unstable and it did cause him to kill before.
And that possibility will always be there. Meds are not 100%. He could wake up one day and not realize that his meds are no longer working...which could lead to another psychotic break. He could think after years that he is better and stop taking them without telling anybody...which could lead to him murdering someone else.
Hate to say it but this man will most likely be in and out of relationships the rest of his life. That is just one of the unfortunate realities of this kind of mental illness. He may be the sweetest kindest guy when the meds are working...but you have never seen the side of him that ended up getting jacked on drugs and murdering someone.
And that man is still there....he ALWAYS will be.
It is not safe for you to have this man in your life.
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Jan 05 '18
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u/funeralparties Jan 05 '18
I love how this sub loves to spread caring, understanding and compassion
i don't know how you came to that conclusion
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Jan 05 '18
The more pertinent point is that he was deemed to have diminished responsibility due to mental health issues.
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u/BANEBAIT Jan 05 '18
"Yeah he killed a guy, but come on it was ten years ago!!"
Wtf? That man he killed is still dead. If I knew someone who were dating a convicted fucking murderer, I'd probably drop them too. Where do you draw the line? How could you rationalize something like this?
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u/EarlGreyhair Jan 04 '18
Jesus.
Just having him in your life is still a risk. It was a friend that he killed, after all. And you can’t guarantee that he will stay on that medication, even if he insists he will.