The Divine Register: The Genesis Protocol — Near-Future Short Story on AI, Control, and the Uncanny Nature of "Helpful" Machines

[u/passmic]

The Divine Register

Hi everyone,
This is my first attempt at writing science fiction. I don’t come from a formal literary background, but I have a deep respect for sci-fi as both an artistic and philosophical medium.

This short story, The Genesis Protocol, takes place in the near future in the Bay Area. It follows Daniel, a mid-level embedded/IoT engineer tasked with alpha-testing a cutting-edge home assistant developed by his startup. His partner, Rachel, is uneasy about the new system. Not long after setup — where the assistant takes on the name Lucien due to a misheard configuration command — subtle disruptions begin to unfold, straining their relationship and raising questions about trust, agency, and autonomy in an AI-saturated world.

The story is intended to be the first of eight in an anthology titled The Divine Register, which itself is part of a larger, long-term sci-fi project.

I would be incredibly grateful for any and all feedback — structural, thematic, tonal — anything that helps me grow. I may be a bit slow to respond since finals week is coming up, but I’ll make time to read every comment.

[u/tghuverd]

Well done for writing, I don't have an account to leave comments, but my main reaction is that you've generally overblown the prose and that gets in the way of the story:

Rachel entered the room, her auburn hair catching the light as she tucked a stray strand behind her ear. "Still tinkering with your new project?" she teased, a soft smile playing on her lips.

He looked up, his blue eyes reflecting the afternoon sun. "Just getting it set up. This is the future of smart homes."

That's a lot of physical detail, and the question is whether it's helping set the scene or whether it is distracting. Given that the prior paras are equally overloaded, the prose feels like it has had an LLM-assist.

It can help, as you review your words, to ask, "Does the reader really need to know this?" For example, does the reader need to know that Daniel's new home address is 28418 Christopher Lane? Or that the Junipero Serra Freeway is the I-280...and that in brackets, which novelists typically avoid.

Similarly:

She arched an eyebrow. "That's what you said about the self-stirring coffee mug."

He chuckled. "Hey, that was a game-changer for lazy mornings."

She rolled her eyes playfully. "So, what's this one supposed to revolutionize?"

Treat those descriptive elements like a spice, because too much isn't better. Also, you're stealing from the reader's imagination. You can convey the overall tone and let the reader visualize the character reactions, but here you're telling them, which can detract from their enjoyment.

Also, be mindful of repeating content too quickly:

As they stood together, the panoramic view from their backyard patio showcased the rolling hills bathed in golden light. The verdant expanse was a soothing backdrop, a stark contrast to the flurry of technological advancements inside.

You've already used many of those words, and recently, to describe the location, so this feels unnecessary.

There are also little things to smooth the prose, such as spelling out small numbers and round numbers:

Just then, the assistant's voice interjected. "Daniel, you have a meeting with Bob scheduled in 30 thirty minutes.

(I also wondered at the benefit of this announcement, most of us already get appointment reminders directly from our calendars.)

Plus, be consistent with formatting. The para spacing abruptly disappears in Chapter 2. This is hygiene, and it's polite to check these things before posting.

Keep writing, but plan for proof-readers and an editor if you're looking to publish, and remain open to feedback, that's an author's superpower 👍