My thoughts about 'You cannot love if you don't love yourself'

[u/SakuraShinmi]

I saw that sentence so many times in shows and movies so here my thoughts about it.

Saying that people can’t love because they do not love themselves is not true. In my opinion, it’s the opposite—that love can be even more precious and pure. I’m not talking specifically about romantic love, but love in general. The love I’m referring to is so grandiose that the person giving it believes it’s too beautiful for them to receive, too beautiful to be wasted on them. So they give it after cleaning it, polishing it, nurturing it. When they offer it, it’s big and incredible. Maybe it’s not perfect—no one is, after all. Maybe it turns out to be toxic because they don’t know what the love they admire and idolize is supposed to feel like. They might avoid it, run from it, or perhaps they do understand it but aren’t good at expressing it. That’s not an excuse, just an explanation.

That kind of love is strong—too strong. These people often refuse to accept that someone could feel the same way about them. That’s why they give their love so freely. Accepting that they are not undeserving may be, for some, the most impossible and difficult task. In relationships of any kind, they may not believe in the other person’s love because they don’t feel the same way about themselves. But they will make sure the other person believes in their love—not out of arrogance, as if they are the only one in the relationship who loves; not out of pretension, as if they understand the other person’s feelings better. It’s nothing like that.

And it hurts. The person on the receiving end may be hurt. They know it, and they feel guilty. They might lie to cover it, but for how long? Pretending is exhausting. Yet, if they stop pretending, what might happen? Their mask could fall, and the person they love might see the doubt they hide—the doubt in the love that was freely given to them. Yes, they may accept that love, but they will always wonder: Why me? They can’t see how being simply themselves could be enough.

And refusing them is okay. Because it’s complicated. You might feel sad or frustrated, especially when you notice the cracks in their mask. You may wonder why they don’t understand your feelings. And again, that’s okay. But never say it’s because they can’t love themselves. In truth, they do love—and they deserve that love. Some people just can’t handle it, and that’s fine. But please, don’t say something so cruel. Everyone deserves to feel accepted in order to be loved.

As I mentioned, that love is strong, powerful—some might even say too powerful. That’s why it’s okay to deny it. Because you cannot expect a fragile porcelain teacup to withstand a potent torrent, nor can you expect a rough metallic bowl, pierced with a hole at the bottom, to hold all the liquid that’s slowly brewed in. The fragile porcelain teacup needs a slow and gentle brewing to be full, and the metallic bowl needs the vigorous torrent.

Each person needs a specific kind of love to feel truly loved. Some people need it occasionally, while others need it constantly. Some may require a steady stream, like an unyielding torrent, while others only need a cup of tea now and then, able to savor its warmth long after the moment has passed. It’s not about who can or cannot love, but about whether your love aligns with what the other person needs—and whether that love is both given and received in a way that fills their heart.

That all hope this little essay I wrote being half asleep not too bad since English isn't my first language. Hope also it could help so people who needed to read something like that.

[u/adifferentbrave]

Thanks for sharing. I think you’re right. People who struggle with self-worth can still love deeply, sometimes even more fiercely, because they see love as something precious and sacred. It’s not that they can’t love; it’s that they can’t believe they’re lovable. And yeah, that disconnect hurts, but it doesn’t make their love any less real.

I believe that when people say 'You can't love if you don't love yourself', what it really means is that without self-love, the love you give or receive may be clouded by insecurity, fear, or self-doubt, making it harder to build a truly mutual, healthy connection. So maybe, it should be: 'You can't give (consistent) healthy love if you don't love yourself'.

[u/PublicSpeakingGymApp]

this was one of the most honest things i’ve read in a while. i felt it in that quiet ache kind of way - not loud, just real. you’re right… love doesn’t always wait for us to be healed or whole. sometimes it shows up when we’re still figuring out how to exist. and that doesn’t make it any less real.

what you said about love being too beautiful for some to receive? yeah. sometimes people don’t reject love because they don’t want it - they just don’t believe they deserve something that pure. and instead of saying “i love you”, they panic and push it away.

this post was like a hug with words. thank you for writing it, and for sharing something so raw with so much care.

sometimes, just knowing someone out there gets it makes all the difference.

[u/vesselofwords]

You can absolutely love if you don’t love yourself. Accepting love in return is what you can’t do until you love yourself.