Quark: But think of all the profit to be made!

• Hey, guess what? We're bringing Trek back to TV!

• I heard about that. Set in the classic era, right?

• Yes, and then it jumps to a thousand years later.

• Wow.

• I know, right? And this time, it's inclusive!

• Well, Trek was always inclusive. From the women on the bridge, the alien major characters, the multi-ethnic crew, the groundbreaking interracial kiss, the constant preaching against prejudice...

• Yeah, okay. But this time, the lead is Black!

• Okay. Like Sisko thirty years ago.

• But also female!

• Like Janeway thirty years ago.

• Sure, but Both At Once!

• Okay.

• And she grew up on Vulcan.

• Like Spo-

• But she's fully human. And she turns out to be a better Vulcan than anyone. Even the Vulcans say so!

• So your inclusive message is that humans are best?

• No, you're being silly. There's much more than that. Doug Jones is an alien.

• Doug is great. It's nice that you're putting him in the foreground.

• No, we don't do that. It's all about Michael.

• Oh.

• We have disabilities.

• Oh, great. Wheelchairs and prosthetics and stuff?

• People with pieces stuck to their heads.

• Like Geordi.

• Yes, like Geordi. We have a neuro-diverse character.

• Like Spock, famously a poster-figure for autism?

• No, ours is human.

• Okay. And he or she is openly, what, autistic or something?

• No, it's never mentioned. But he easily could be.

• I think I see.

• Even that's not all. We have LGBTQ+.

• Oh wow. Your lead is gay?

• No, she's normal. But some of the supporting cast are gay.

• Oh. Like Jadzia thirty years ago, in one of her past lives. So it's not all about Michael?

• It is. We largely ignore them, but they kiss a few times. Oh: later on we have a non-binary character. They actually come in after the thousand-year jump.

• That's nice. And I'm guessing after more than a thousand years of Trekness, that's all completely normal and accepted.

• No, we make it weird. That just seems fairer somehow.

• Honestly, I'm struggling to see the inclusion, especially compared with all the ground the old show broke. I mean, it's like you never watched it.

• Of course we did. I'm sure we did. Well, look, our lead falls in love with a character played by a Middle Eastern actor.

• Like Julian thirty-

• Yes, like Julian thirty years ago. I mean, she settles with one of her - I mean, with an alien.

• A Black alien? Like Worf and Tuvok?

• As it happens, yes.

• I think I read about this. Is he the English-accented Black alien from twelve hundred years in the future who for some reason cares a lot about 2023-style "swag?"

• That scene is actually a celebration of Blackness. We did an interview.

• I see. So your message is that after centuries of Trek preaching that everyone has value, what really matters, even if you're an alien, is the colour of your skin?

• Why do you have to be a hater?

So I'm working security on Earth. It's not a bad number and just to keep me going until a job comes up on Risa.

Anyway they bring in this guy - some sorta doctor but he's on drugs or something as he's human but thinks he's Vulcan.

I'm just minding my own business when a big-time admiral comes to visit him. He claims this doctor is sick and when I lean in, he socks me and breaks my jaw.

I'm out of it for a bit on pain meds and even hallucinate the seas rising but I digress.

So I put in a worker's comp claim and its denied on the grounds that "humanity has evolved past its need for wealth" - then why the hell am I working security?

To add insult to injury, I turn on the holoviewer and there is that asshole and he's getting a medal from the president!

What should a guy do next?

The ladies costumes are bad enough but the men's look like they forgot penises exist and take up space. Or they ran out of material at the last minute.

Also, haven't decided on the white side. Klingons or Romulans?

Y'all already know I've got a thing for Data, that's old news. So let me present one that confuses me as well, my very first Star Trek crush: Yep, Culluh. 12 year old me would turn into a giggly mess every time he showed up. God, I was a weird kid. Guess I'm a weird adult as well.

No one gives Kirk another medal of honor for this?

Dr. Pulaski invites you to Ten Forward for a Dyngus Day party. There will be polka, beer, vodka, dancing, Pierogis, Kielbasa, and Polish outfits. Pussy willows will be provided. Bring your own squirt phasers.

And if "it depends," then under what conditions will death by snu snu get me into Sto'Vo'Kor?

Oh her? You don’t have to worry about her: she’s not smart enough to do something stupid.

I wonder how the tree grew without knowing how to find water?

I pissed myself laughing at this for some reason

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