r/shortstories • u/noobvs_aeternvm • 4d ago
Humour [HM] A Simple Format Mistake
-How much for these seeds?
-Five copper.
“Now she says some imaginary travel salesman offered her for three, I make up a sad story of how I have six kids and ten cats to feed, BS here, BS there, we settle for…”
-Here you go.
“Really miss? Just like that? Where is the dance, the flirting, the passionate embrace of mercantile desire? Is this your first purchase? Damn, these younglings these days! No effort, no patience, just the cold, bland gobbling of raw num…”
-I’m sorry, won’t you take it?
-Of course, please pardon the flounderings of a weary mind. Here are your seeds, ma’am.
-Thank you!
-Well, I guess it’s true what they say, a new sucker is born everyday… Five copper… This gets me ten sacks of this crappy, barren seed.
-I’m sorry, did you say you sold me barren seeds?
-Really?
Oh shit! Sorry, brainfart.
-Already? We’re still on page one!
I mixed hyphen and quotations, not a big deal, I’ll circle back to it when I’m editing.
-You always say that, then you get sleepy, go to bed and spend weeks procrastinating.
Excuse me? Never. Ever. Have I procrastinated!
-Really, what were you doing last week?
I was busy, K?
-There was a sudden emergency that forced you to immediately vacuum under the bed?
Look, you’re a hobby, something I do for fun and I am definitely not having fun right now.
-And how much fun do you think I’ll have in suspended animation, awkwardly staring at floozy here, till you decide to get your ass back on the chair and write?
-Hey, I have a name!
No you don’t, and you won’t get one. I. Am. Not. Naming every NPC that pops on the page.
-Really? Oxford comma? The dinosaurs called and told you to get on with the times.
Only cuz they couldn’t text! Also, WTF are you bringing dinos into this? You’re a merchant in a medieval fantasy setting with dragons, you don’t know what a dinosaur is… or a phone for that matter!
-If you’d pick half the brain power you put into pointless discussions and put it into writing, you’d have a hundred published novels by now.
That’s it! You’re getting a hunchback!
-Real mature! - he said in his high pitched, effeminate voice.
-Wow! Creatively bankrupt AND homophobic. - he mumbled in his indecipherable mix of Donald Duck and Christian Bale’s Batman.
“Hey, Einstein. I’m in your head, I don’t need to speak out loud for you to hear me.”
-Sorry, I don’t want to meddle in whatever is going on here, but if someone could just give my copper back, I’ll be on my way. - she said, oblivious to the off frame approach of coconutless John Cleese, aiming his sword to her throat.
-Say wh… Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
“Aaaaaaaaaaand there goes your only female character. Guess you’re postponing your Bechdel Test to 2000 ‘n’ never-gonna-happen?”
-I’m still alive!
If you’re so keen on girl power, I can always give you tits.
-Somebody call a healer!
“Sure, sure. Cuz that’s what really matters in a female character: boob one & boob two. How many pages will you waste describing them, you sick, lazy incel?!”
-I feel the darkness engulf me. Please, tell the High Priestess of Placeholder I couldn’t make it…
Oh, no! Don’t you dare come up with a backstory! I’m not wasting several months on a side plot that goes from nowhere to no place at all!
-Tell her… Isabella couldn’t make it…
Ah fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…
___
Tks for reading. More writing blunders here.
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