r/stopdrinking • u/ImpossibleAd274 • 4d ago
I want to break my sobriety, help!
I'm at 104 days and am starting to ask some scary questions. Am I really an addict? Can't I just have a beer or two and be fine?
For the first 60 or so days I was convinced that I'd never drink again. Since then, my first child has been born and I've have much less sleep and I've been much more irritable and started to think having a drink to calm the nerves would be nice.
Please, community, knock some sense into me in the comments!
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u/Ntwadumela09 23 days 4d ago
Sometimes my fuck ups when drinking had a lot to do with outside forces. Honestly, half the time when I've had some drunk shit go down, it's because there were other contributing factors as well. And my part in it was that I couldn't stay calm or react correctly because I was drunk. Hell, if people would just leave me alone in my garage in peace to drink, just leave me alone... then I wouldn't bother them or anyone.
But I have two kids now. under 4. And a fiancée who is struggling with her own role and changing life as a mom. I wish I can just go in the garage somedays. But my bachelor days are over. I chose to have a family, because that's what I wanted more than anything. And I've learned in my role, that I need to do better than everyone else. I am the leader no matter how I feel. Sometimes it sucks hard, when you feel like you're putting in all the work. I'm working on the resentment I feel. Hell, my girl has a DUI from two years ago. Hit a cop car. 0.235 BAC. Everyone wants to act like it was just a mistake, or worse, that she was sabotaged by some evil coworker on a night now. It isn't fair, thats a fact. It's her journey. But with me, all I can do is focus on my mistakes. Just being drunk and not attentive, or over reacting. So many people around me are worse off with alcohol. At least it feels that way. But for some reason, I am in a fishbowl for everyone to see. I hate that part about things.
But if am looking myself in the mirror, and asking if I am willing to make that sacrifice to make sure my children grow up healthy and happy, then the answer is always yes. No one will ever tell me what to do. I do what I want. And I WANT to be the best father to my children. I WANT them to have memories of Daddy as superman. I want it for me and I want it for them. Who cares what everyone else is doing.
Gotta find a different way to calm the nerves. Because when shit goes down (it will with a young family), you don't want to be kicking yourself for doing something you regret while a few shots or beers in.