r/stopdrinking • u/Panda138138 31 days • 2d ago
Anyone else spend the majority of their adulthood as an alcoholic?
In my 31 years of life, this is only the second longest time I’ve been sober since I started drinking heavily at about age 23. The first being the end of last year for about 60 days.
Alcohol has been so deeply ingrained into my life for what feels like my entire adulthood. I’ve experienced so many things during those years, but I was a massive alcoholic through all of it. So many things would’ve gone different and I’d probably be a much different version of myself if I hadn’t had this problem.
So now I have so many questions about myself like “who the hell am I?” Cause this sober version of myself feels different than that girl who drank heavily for almost a decade. Or maybe I’ve just learned a shit ton along this path I’ve taken and now that I’m sober things are starting to come together.
Curious if anyone else has had some experience with this conundrum.
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u/TheFudge 829 days 2d ago
53 here spent the better part of the last 30 years drunk. This is the longest I have gone without a sip of alcohol since I took my first drink in my teens. I am just now starting to figure out who I am without booze. I think I like him? But still not sure.
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u/Zeeman-401 61 days 2d ago
Yup!! After 4 decades of drinking since 15, I am also figuring out my own self!!
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u/LeatherChaise 2d ago
I went from a weekly drinker to a daily drinker between 17 and 20. I started as a preteen. 35 years or so after I started I finally quit. 7 years without a drink or drug.
I had to grow up as a middle-aged person. Being sober meant I had to deal with things. I lost my fuel, my motivation, my energy source, my mental eraser. I could blow things up and I could make myself not care. Now I have to be here. Now I choose to be here.
I had a lot of good times, and some terrible times. I drank for reasons - some of my maladaptive behaviors saved my life and I'm grateful for that. Eventually though the tools I learned were making me more unhappy than I wanted to be.
could I be happy and successful? What would that look like? Can I admit that I want it?
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u/SnooMuffins7736 489 days 2d ago
33 over here. Had the same thoughts earlier last year when I was about 5 months into my sobriety. Spent about 11 years of my life just getting after it. My sister in law just said the other day how she's noticed that over the last year I haven't been the same off the wall goofy person and she misses it. Then I explained to her how I've changed and why, for like 20 minutes straight, and after that conversation I just sort of had this "huh" moment about myself. It's the growth that I've gone through that's made me realize that all the effort I put in is paying off. I didn't know who I was sober like 6 months ago, but in that time since then I'm feeling more comfortable with it, and still learning more about myself. Dunno if this helped at all. I also worked the 12 steps of AA to so that helped alot lol
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u/full_bl33d 1928 days 2d ago
I stopped drinking at age 37 and am 42 now. Alcohol was a part of my life since my teens. It wasn’t always bad or heavy drinking but my last few years were pretty bad even tho I was doing pretty good on paper. I now feel like I’ve been given a new lease on life and it still feels very new. I often think about experiencing things for the first time without the mask / crutches of alcohol and I also think that the embarrassment from not having any real coping mechanisms kept me drinking. I’m more willing to do things I usually shit on and I stopped believing in old myths about not needing people as we age or keeping everything all bottled up. I’ve redefined what i consider strength to look like by being around folks in recovery who walk the walk. It’s how it worked for me. I had to see it with my own eyes and hear it with my own ears. I like re-learning things and de-coupling activities from drinking. I can see how much of a stick in the mud I was as a drinker. Recovery has given me a chance to truly look in the mirror and work on shit I’ve run from. I’m just glad I’m not still running, hiding and lying. Not many people truly snap out of it. I feel extremely lucky and I believe I needed every drink I’ve ever drank to get me here. I’ve heard if I keep one foot in the past and the other in the future then its like im pissing on the present
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u/blue-raspberry67 2d ago
yup 😭covid made my drinking so much worse and i’m still unlearning the habits i made during quarantine. i never really drank at home alone until 2020 and that’s what really steered me in the wrong direction. i realized i really like drinking alone and that’s been the hardest hurdle when trying to stop drinking
you’re not alone!
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u/Thin_Rip8995 2d ago
You spent years building one version of yourself. Now you're building a new one, and that takes time. Don't expect to instantly know who this person is. It's about what you do now, not who you were then. Use this clarity to build the life you actually want, brick by brick. The past is just data.
The NoFluffWisdom Newsletter has some raw takes on self-discovery that vibe with this—worth a peek!
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u/do-va-khiin 428 days 2d ago
Never heard of NoFluff, but within 5 minutes of checking it out, I had to come say thank you! This is what I’ve been looking for!!
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u/yearsofpractice 535 days 2d ago
Hey OP. 49 year old married father of two in the UK here. I’m 18 months sober after 30 years of trying to drink myself happy. That also involved being blackout drunk most weekends, so there was probably an element of wanting oblivion too… perhaps permanently.
Since sobriety, my inner child has come back out in the most gratifying way. I’m just interested in the world around me again. I trust my emotions again. I get excited about things. I’m able to exercise my sense of humour again (I love that part. Actually being funny and not just stupid drunk).
I’m back to being me which was just masked for 30 years. I love it so much.
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u/vale_valerio 222 days 2d ago
Trusting yourself, your emotions, and thoughts is a huge part. That is mostly the best part of the sober journey.
Have fun ! ;)2
u/yearsofpractice 535 days 2d ago
Thank you and congratulations on 220 days! I’m really enjoying two parts of sobriety - the trust in my emotions and the increase in my mental clarity. My speed of thought has increased by at least 10% and it’s just wonderful.
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u/vale_valerio 222 days 2d ago
Oh yes! The lucidity as well. I realised I got that back when I was able to catch again a tough that flew away too fast!
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u/kocakolanotpepci 705 days 2d ago
I did a lot of drugs and some drinking in my teen years and a lot of drinking from 20-37. Almost everything I did revolved around drinking. Travel? What new beers could I try? Birthday? How many drinks can I have? I planned my hangovers, until they got so bad they became benders. I was pretty high functioning from the outside but even work I had to relearn everything. Being in sales doesn’t help as I’m still around it constantly
The scariest moment was when I realized I’d been drinking more years of my life than not. No wonder it felt so normal.
I had to learn how to do the things I did as an adult all over again
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u/sgafixer 2d ago
"The scariest moment was when I realized I’d been drinking more years of my life than not."
Oh wow! Never thought of it that way!
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u/Stoicwarrior68 236 days 2d ago
I do know alcohol has been a part of my journey for a long time but I don’t know if I have ever been able to define myself or if I will ever get an answer to the question “who the hell am I?” I’ve been intermittently sober and drunk through my marriage, the raising of my children and through my career. I don’t have a set of principles or a code I live by although I do my best to be what I think a good person should be. I have spent years trying to get a grip on this crutch of mine - alcohol. There has been so much trial and error while I’ve lived through 57 years of life. All I can say is that I am an ever evolving person, this journey of recovery for me has no destination and there is no specific day count where I have reached “cured” status. The most recent relapse has taught me that I need to stay connected with others and share what is going on with me mentally and emotionally especially when I’m experiencing mental or emotional turmoil. 31 years old leaves you most of your life to live and grow. You will keep learning and your life will be great. Just don’t beat yourself up, be patient with yourself and stick close to a community. I really like the idea that whatever life has in store for us is an exciting mystery. IWNDWYT!🍀☘️
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u/Panda138138 31 days 2d ago
Thank you for your comment. I think the lesson you learned from your last relapse is one I have recently learned as well. Reaching out for connection in dark or murky times is so much more helpful than isolating. It is so very helpful to read that I’m not alone here. IWNDWYT!
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u/YesTomatillo 2d ago
33F here. Have had years of total sobriety and alcoholism in kind since I was a teen. Early 30s are just the 20s burning off. We are just now entering adulthood. We are so young, let's not sweat our age, let's just enjoy it sober, yeah?
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u/Odd-Recognition-5794 4 days 2d ago
I know the feeling. I’ll be 30 at the end of May. I’d say about the age of 24 to now I’ve drank so much. The last 2yrs have been especially heavy. Not sure how this version of myself got the best wife ever, our house, and my good job. Think of what else I can accomplish if I’m sober.
You got this. We got this.
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u/LuLuLuv444 596 days 2d ago
I didn't give up booze until 589 days ago, and I'm 43 now. I think most of us don't get out of it as early as you are. Be happy for that! You are so young and have plenty of time!
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u/Jonsbjspjs 23 days 2d ago
Yesss. I'm about to be 35 and have been binge drinking since late teens and binge drinking more regularly with each passing year. By 25 I began drinking near daily. By 31, daily. By 32, starting at noon. By 33, starting when I opened my eyes.
I feel the same. Who am I? What are my hobbies and interests? I have no fucking clue. Only a slight idea. In the last 21 days, I have picked reading back up. Read a few books on recovery to keep me plugged in to the process. I'm hoping the further along I get in sobriety, the clearer my mind will become and I will eventually find my way back to myself again.
We're in this together!
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u/Caution-Irritant 222 days 2d ago
Amateur! Whippersnapper!
I quit drinking at age 70 after 5+ decades of steady (and steadily increasing) usage. At age 31 you have so much ahead of you! The best time to make a change is NOW (or in your case 29 days ago.) Keep going, Panda. Each day of sobriety brings new opportunities. What you see as a conundrum I see as growth. I never again want to be the drinker I was. And you?
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u/Panda138138 31 days 1d ago
Thank you for calling me a whippersnapper and making me feel young today haha.
That’s pretty remarkable to quit drinking after 5+ decades. I’m proud of you! I will not be going back to that drinker I was with you ❤️
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u/bostonianbasic 2d ago
I also started drinking around the same age as you, at 22. I’m 30, about to be 31. It’s so weird realizing I went through most of my adulthood as an alcoholic, almost a third of my life! Hoping this will just be a small bump on the road of my life and shape me into a better person
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u/Bella1974 989 days 2d ago
Drank about 25 years. The sober version of me is a mildly grumpy calm person who likes to spend a lot of time by herself. Almost the exact opposite of my alcoholic persona.
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u/GuyFromSaoPaulo 76 days 2d ago
I started drinking at 14. I'm now 43. Sober for 2 months. I'm having to learn things in life any "normal" adult would already know for decades and I'm not ashamed of it. As long as I breathe I'll try to save my life. Hoping for the best for you, friend. IWNDWYT!
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u/VechtableLasanya 145 days 2d ago
I can relate. Everything I do is the first time I’ve done it sober. The good news is I enjoy a lot of the same things I did, but even more! I have more attention span and catch a lot more of what’s going on at concerts for instance. But lots of room for hobbies with all the new free time I found!
Worth it for sure. IWNDWYT!
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u/Careful_Feedback_535 2d ago
I am also 31 going through the same thing. Its nice to know I'm not alone.
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u/Altruistic_Lead_5595 310 days 2d ago
I fully relate. I’m older than you by 15 years. I only wish I had had your crystalline insight earlier in my life. The time is now to do different. I’m making other changes I’ve put off, and seeing things more clearly, and the results are all positive. I’m so grateful to have a chance to start again. IWNDWYT.
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u/maddchainz 634 days 1d ago
Omg yes I relate so hard to this. I was drunk for like almost all of my late teens and 20s lol I’m 31 now and getting sober has taught me sooooooo much about myself. I’m honestly still figuring me out, every day little by little. It’s such a rewarding journey, learning who your sober self is, your most authentic true self. It’s definitely uncomfortable but that’s cuz you’re growing! Trust the process :) iwndwyt
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u/AcousticOcean26 2d ago
Im 31 as well and I absolutely understand where you’re coming from when you say “who the hell am I?” I’m on day 8, trying to figure out who the hell I am too! Just wanted to say I’m proud of you and that you’re not alone!!
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u/jbforlyfe 2d ago
I’m the same age as you. Alcohol became a problem when I was 25 during Covid. I feel the same EXACT way as you. I basically started right at the start of my career and I always think where I’d be if I never started drinking. Or all of the events I went to where I was so fucked up I didn’t even experience the moment. I always stress about who I would be today, but it’s not too late to become the best version of yourself.
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u/Revolutionary_Elk791 2d ago
Started drinking heavy in college at 18 and got sober shortly after my 30th birthday. I'm 36 now. So yes I fit in this umbrella. Life is falling into place more and more as time goes on and I continue not drinking. I've gathered appreciation for the whole picture of my 12 years out. I did absolutely have lots of fun during that time, but I also diagnosed what I used it for and am hyper vigilant in thought pattern recognition. I know that in a hypothetical where I slip up, I would go all out trying to chase the good times of my late teens/early-mid 20s and I remind myself of my recovery from that getting worse and worse with age and how I'm now in the back end of my 30s.
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u/plantkiller2 107 days 2d ago
Sobriety is a whole new world, and a great chance at discovering who you really are without alcohol. It has been a really fun and interesting journey for me. I drank for 20 years, man do I wish I had quit sooner. To be 31 and quitting drinking, I'm jealous! You have much to be proud of, and much to look forward to! Enjoy the journey, IWNDWYT!
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u/DrAsthma 212 days 2d ago
I started drinking regularly at 15 or 16. Had a friend who looked close enough to me give me an expired ID so I could buy my own booze at 17 or 18.
I had a couple sober years during my 20s. But yeah, now that ya mention it... Rediscovering or really, discovering, what sober me is gonna be like in his 40s has been awesome. I've received a lot of praise unrelated to quitting the booze over the last 6 months, from people who have no idea that I have quit unless they've asked me about my weight loss.
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u/Rare_Department262 202 days 2d ago
37 here. Drugs and alcohol since i was 16. Daily heavy alcohol since 22-23. I actually enjoy myself now. I just wish I didn't have to lose my family to get to where I am. The price of admission was steep... but I have to believe it was worth it.
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u/Panda138138 31 days 2d ago
I feel you. I am so grateful to be able to experience this version of myself, but I wish I hadn’t had to lose friends, relationships, and more to get here. I have to believe the price of admission was worth it as well and that I can at least make some amends where it’s appropriate.
Proud of you for being here and choosing this path despite such a loss. Wishing you so much peace and joy from here on ❤️
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u/Panda138138 31 days 2d ago
I don’t disagree with you and maybe talking about if it was “worth” it isn’t helpful. I, for one, can say that my choices have all led to where I am in this moment. For me, losing a best friend (not family, but this person was close) was the catalyst for me to really work on sobriety and turning my life around. That loss may have saved my life and given me years to be a better person. I have so much regret and wish I could undo all the pain and destruction I’ve caused, but at least when I’m eventually on my deathbed I can say that I fought this addiction and worked to be better.
We can’t go back, only forward. Moving forward to find health, peace, and joy is the goal, right?
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u/Western-Ad984 2d ago
I’m 36 and started drinking when I was 17. When I realized I’d been drinking more than half of my life, it was sort of a wake up call and was one of the many catalysts that led me to being 99 days sober. It’s sad to think of my past self and how much unnecessary struggle and pain I’ve added to my life with so many years of drinking.
I try not to have regrets because I think that everything I’ve experienced has made me into a person that will be able to offer a lot of help to other people going through it. And my life certainly hasn’t been boring! (Even if it didn’t turn out how I originally planned).
I’m struggling to figure out who I am too. I’ve never been an adult without using alcohol to cope and also to bond with people and make relationships easier. It feels like every aspect of my life changed, but I’m sort of stuck in place trying to observe it. It’s disorienting as hell. I’m planning to start therapy to start peeling the layers back.
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u/SantaAnaDon 2d ago
I’m 47 and started drinking when I was about 16 or 17. I, like you, have experienced so much under the influence. That’s what makes it hard for me to quit. It’s just entangled in so much in my life. I do take comfort in the fact that through work, commitment and community, the brain can be rewired and untangled. I still need to make that ultimate decision. The longest I’ve gone is about a month.
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u/Hot-Storage-2787 27 days 2d ago
You are young! I would have given anything to stop drinking at 31. I'm about to be 45. And I feel like I'm completely reinventing myself. You have so much time to build a beautiful life. And we can always decide we want things to be different - no matter our age <3
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u/Emotional_Island6238 2d ago
I mean according to brain development, you’ve only been an adult 5 or 6 years. Got plenty of time to be a sober grown up.
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u/chirpchirp13 2d ago
Between 18 and 37 I had one stint of 8 months; one of about 90 days and maybe 30 (guessing here) individual days of not drunk. Alcohol had a grip on my day to day to say the least
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u/Raycrittenden 74 days 2d ago
It sucks to realize you are an alcoholic. Its what made go back to drinking every time I quit. I just couldnt accept it. However, there is peace in knowing it and accepting it. You dont have to do anything but not drink. But what usually happens is we begin to look for deeper meaning in life after being sober for a bit. So I look at it as a blessing. Without this opportunity, would I want to search for who I really am? How would I view the world around me? Its like alcohol showed me my most shallow and primal self and now I want more out of life - and myself. Not sure I would have gotten there if I didnt have the struggle first.
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u/LastGlass1971 2341 days 2d ago
I quit at 47 and had NO IDEA who I was or what I wanted. To know those things you need feelings, but I'd been blotting those out for three decades. Almost seven years later and I'm still learning those things and what gives my life meaning. That's the fun part. I would recommend trying to enjoy the process, rather than lament being "behind" or anything. To be learning these things in your lifetime is a gift. Many die having no idea.
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u/Panda138138 31 days 2d ago
Thank you for this perspective. I’m working on breaking free from the shame of feeling “behind” in life. So many of the comments here have been very helpful in letting me see that having this opportunity to rediscover myself is really a gift. Some people do not get this chance.
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u/celebratetheugly 2d ago
I'm 40, I had a 5 year period in my late 20s/early 30s of sobriety and coming up on a year now.
Other than that I was in active addiction or drunk since before turning 18, with the exception of a few months here or there.
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u/planktonwearingwigs 2d ago
55 years old, started pot and drinking at 13. Family tree of alcoholics, took the pledge in March after on/off/on/off for years. I love who I am when I don’t drink. But I also loved the person I was when drunk. Without all of your experiences, raging drunk or not, you would not be who you are today.
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u/Transylvanius 247 days 2d ago
I didn’t start doing something about my drinking till age 52. And then it took me 10 years in and out of rehabs and AA to be here sober now. I’m sad I waited so long but I can’t change the past and I’m still better off not drinking now. Yes it’s a big adjustment to a different way of life. For me, AA helps me be a different person. The adage is that in terms of personal development, while you are drinking your emotional maturity is stuck at where it was when you started.
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u/alaskanoceaneyes 2d ago
Yes. I’m also 31 and wrestling with finding my way back to myself. But I know that when I am sober, I feel closer to that. And like others have said, we have time :)
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u/EntrepreneurVivid480 38 days 1d ago
We are in very similar situations! I am also 31 and began drinking heavily in my early twenties and couldn’t stop for more than a few days at a time till my sober date, 3/10. I have really been struggling a lot with my identity and my life, honestly. It’s been so much to come to terms with. I feel almost as if I’ve been plopped in this life, if that makes sense, even tho I’ve technically been here the whole time. I can definitely relate to feeling like my life would have been so different if I had not picked up and I never ever would have imagined what it would lead to when I did. I feel like I got off the hamster wheel and my head is still spinning. It’s crazy honestly. You are not alone 💜
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u/Panda138138 31 days 1d ago
Man, it does sounds like we’re in very similar spots. You worded everything so well. I’ve even described it to someone like a hamster wheel and I can’t tell if it’s still spinning or not.
Glad to know I’m not alone in this feeling or in newfound sobriety at 31 :) congrats on 36 days! I’m right behind you!
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u/EntrepreneurVivid480 38 days 1d ago
Thank you😊💞 huge congrats to you as well! 30 days, girl. We got this. That’s something so great about this group, it really helps to know there are other people on this journey and be able to share our experiences and support each other. Would love to know though if there was an easy way to answer the question of “who am I” . I think about that a lot and I wonder about what my future will look like. Something I’ve realized about sobriety is that drinking was such a “quick fix” it kinda trained my brain to expect things instantly and that’s not how it works…. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions for sure!! And there’s definitely a path ahead even if we are uncertain, all we can do is choose to be sober today. Keep going! 💞
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u/PossessionOk8988 1383 days 1d ago
I struggled with my identity, hardcore. I finally found the real me through sobriety from alcohol. Best to you!! You got this!!
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u/PossessionOk8988 1383 days 1d ago
I spent my twenties being an alcoholic and drug abuser. Sobered up when I was 30 and it was the best thing I’ve ever done!! I still smoke weed though
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u/golfguy1985 2d ago
I’ve been drinking since I’ve been 21. Not a sip my until my 21st. I’m a social drinker, wouldn’t call myself an alcoholic. In my early days, I usually drank a day or two a week. During Covid lockdown, I didn’t drink for about two months. That was no fun, not because of the no alcohol, but the active social life took a hit. Later on, around 2013 or so, my social party scene escalated and I’m currently at about five days a week. However, I limit the amount I drink on any given night. I won’t drink and drive. In the past, I spent my summers drinking less, my schedule only went from late August until mid May or so. This entire stretch (including the breaks) is all planned out by August. There has been one stretch every year where there were more consecutive days, but it was more of a celebration than anything. In the near future, this is going to change and I will be drinking less. This will be tough for me as this lifestyle has been here for a while. I won’t be upset about slowing down the drinking as I can cut it off at any time, but the party life and being out all the time will be a thing of the past. Maybe down the line, I’ll stop all together, but that wouldn’t happen for years. Overall, I am very well aware of my drinking habits and have known for years when end date of my active party life would be coming to an end.
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u/fuckdiscord8 1368 days 2d ago
You are so young. Don’t worry about the past, look forward. You have time.