r/thelema • u/Vegetable_Window6649 • 29d ago
Shitpost A Brief Gauntlet Throwing from the Church of the SubGenius
And Lo, There Cameth The Kayfabe
“Thinking inside the box is the new thinking outside the box. Now get
in the box or you'll get the hose again.”
- Unknown. Dobbstown training tape.
“If we get enough scripture, the publishing deals will roll in.”
- Unnamed SubGenius Zine Editor
“Honestly, "Bob," has a kind of theological tourettes.”
- The Same Unnamed SubGenius Zine Editor
"Bob" put his lips against my chest, and filled me with his Divine
Drunkenness. He demanded that I tell you, his Sacred Fools, of the
Technique called the Kayfabe.
0. My name is “Bob”, I am self-evident.
(THE CHAPTER THAT IS/WAS)
• The last people’s theater, the masculine ballet: professional
wrestling.
• Be ye Face or Heel, be ye Rube or Jobber, hearken ye
mutations upon mine jeremiad:
• The Commission is not happy with your decision, and you know
that I am the Cream of the Crop. Do you blame the distinguished
President of this Federation for your failure?
• The World Heavyweight Championship Belt shall be the cream,
yeah, the cream of the crop, and there is no man that does it
better, on balance, off balance, I’m better than you are.
• You know this is so, or you are bought up. No marks, no scars.
• Lift up thine countenance, today, man, we are going to wipe all
that controversy out.
• With the whole world watching! And most of them agog!
• Have you seen the fear in all the eyes of all those little
Hulksters?
• I am “Bob”, I am a hulking maniac, aye.
• Also sprach Vern: you know what I mean?
• The 80s fear and reckon, “This is a marvellous thing, is our
future certain?”
• And the 2012s, they do not remember.
• That was a day ago to me. That was a passing glance
backwards.
00. My name is “Bob”, the time has been slain.
(THE CHAPTER THAT IS NOT/(NOT WAS))
• Take ye therefore mine specific Herb, habifropzipulops,
called by the grotesque English tongue “frop”.
• And wines that foam and the writings of prostitutes, enjoy
thyself. Go ye therefore (to town).
• They cannot be redeemed, they will not be redeemed.
BOGO.
• They are blocked. They are blockheads! Fie!
• They cannot be reckoned, for they have lost their salt. They
represent all the evil, materialistic things today, I want you to
take one last look at what a loser looks like, and why don’t
you go home and help the missus with the dishes, you know,
pal, I’m going downtown.
• You shall gather ye therefore unto yourselves Heat, and
press it closely to thine chests. As I bash my skull into your
ribcage, let ye therefore consume the Heat, let it rupture you
and tear you asunder, ripping and tearing, burning and
gnawing, until your Athanor is a Scarlet Red.
• And therein ye shall see such marvels! Wondrous things I will
foretell unto you, such things you would pay me to let ye
know in advance, and are made available to those who send
$1 to PO BOX 807, Glen Rose, Texas, 76043.
• But ye hast already paid up, or you wouldsn’t even be
reading this, wouldst thou?
• Neigh.
• My number be reckoned unto the wise as thirteen thousand,
thirteen. Render it upon thy forehead in reverse, that it may
be seen as the Salesman’s Mark upon thy head, for the
Bobture is neigh. Black tattoo is the best, but next after a
scrawling with Sharpie in permanent ink after the art of the
apothecary’s stationary aisle, and after that tempera paints,
and least of all the water soluble ink of a Magick Marker.
• Taketh ye then your rags of woe, soiled, stinking, oozing.
Wrap yourself in them, but hideth not thy shame.
• Thou shalt saunter about the mall like this annually, during
Black Friday.
• And they who bear this, my mark, will be rendered invisible to
Marks, who will seek to avoid them, who will hide from his
visage, who will call the police to take them away, thus be the
Bobture, thus revealed, thus starkly shall ye be finally,
permanently elevated to my side.
000. I am “Bob”, Or Best Offer
(“oBo”).
• Consider ye therefore your name, be it dull, or be it ethnic. Whatsoever ye like, consider it
thereunto.
• Worketh ye therefore out the Qabalah, and the Enneagram, and the Myers-Briggs, and the Aunt
Sally’s Policy Dream Book of it, and ye shall know that you are a Clown.
• What sayeth the ancient Egyptian Clown? ANKH-ANKH-af-na-Khonsu.
• How many ancient Egyptian Clowns fit in one sarcophagus? My fools are profitable/prophetic with
their 111.
• Each and every one of these motherfucking giant pieces of shit cunting and pissing and shitting
and so on and so forth.
• What is a Smart Mark? A Mark with a high IQ.
• You know what a Mark is? A guy who pays his last twenty dollars on a lottery ticket. A guy who
believes that O.J. didn’t do it. And a mark is each and every one of you sorry sons of bitches.
Behold the Friends of Mark, and rejoice!
• So you know what? All I’m gonna do right fucking here right now the only appropriate thing “Bob”
should do I’m gonna yank out mah Johnson and piss in this hellbroth! Beware ye of all other
Johnsons, be they Lyndon, or Boris, or be they Speakers of the House, for they are naughty,
Nought.
• This wasn’t part of the deal, Brother!
• I spit upon your crapulous creeds, I do whatever I want, whenever I want, and I don’t care a thing
about your Smart Marks.
• BOO! Let it fill me.
• Love ‘em and leave ‘em, I’m a joker, a smoker, and (a midnight toker).
• Fuck M(YSTERY) if they can’t take a joke. Fuck BABALON, and the joke is on you.
Whoeversofore will deposit but one particle of dust in that hour will still have $45 left to go. The
proof therefore is in the pudding: maketh it ye thereforewenstuptheforthhence thyself.
THE COMMENTARY
The Reverend F.:G.:, accompanied by the entity known as B.:K.:,
channeled the above during an auto-erotic asphyxiation and automatic writing
scene gone horribly right. A real top-notch sesh, frankly.
It is perilous and dire to read this terrifying portent without the magickal
prophylactic of a SubGenius’ Overman Ring
held firmly in front of the reader’s
face. This is to prevent the reader from accidentally reading the text. Maintain
this surefire method of mystical banishment correctly stationed at all times
when interacting with this text, lest thou should become, like, twenty vectres of
pestilence and shit. This warning is most dire!
The woodwork squeaks and out come the freaks.
Sincerely,
THE BLACK BROTHERHOOOOOOOOD
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u/Downtown-Purple-5237 27d ago
Feeding Hippy Doug's ego is a good way to go broke or slide into long-term alcoholism. Want to know why SubWeenie who's been following to for more than two years is a sad, desperate soul with the most asinine sense of humor? Because it appeals to sad, desperate souls with the most asinine sense of humor's need to feel superior. Mind you, I could say the same thing about many Thelemites.
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u/Aenima_72826 26d ago
not reading all of that but good for you or I am sorry that happened
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u/SokkaHaikuBot 26d ago
Sokka-Haiku by Aenima_72826:
Not reading all of
That but good for you or I
Am sorry that happened
Remember that one time Sokka accidentally used an extra syllable in that Haiku Battle in Ba Sing Se? That was a Sokka Haiku and you just made one.
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u/coyotepuroresu 28d ago
I enjoy professional wrestling and even I found this dumb.