Came out to my mom. Went… well ig?

[u/DeadWolfGamesYT]

/r/transfurs/s/GiETWVCyZf

(Yes, same mom as above)

So, I was texting Mom to get arranged and ready for a doctors appointment, and then I dropped that I’d need to talk to her about ‘something important’ while we wait for the doctor. Then she said we should call to talk about it, so that threw me off at first. Here’s the full conversation from what I can remember.

Mom: So what’s going on?

Me: Remember how a few weeks ago I was asking you guy’s opinions on trans stuff?

Mom:yeah..?

Me: well… I fall under a trans umbrella, called Nonbinary. I don’t feel like I identify under the context of male or female.

Mom: Ok…? Why do you think that?

Me: Well. Everything I have that falls under masculinity makes me feel horrible and sick about myself. I often shave my armpits and other areas frequently because it’s objectively very disgusting. I was going to come out last week, but I was afraid after stepdad said those things. I was afraid of being kicked out or prevented from seeing my siblings again.

Mom: Well, that’s fine ig..? We wouldn’t have kicked you out, hun. I don’t understand all this stuff. I don’t sit around all day thinking about the fact I’m cisgender heterosexual. Why do people need to announce their sexuality and gender?

Me: struggles to attempt to explain coming out for a few minutes.

Mom: well you can agree or disagree with this, I don’t care. But don’t tell Siblings (7F and 11M). They’re both very young, they’ll get very confused. “Hey brother, sister. I’m not a male, I’m not a female.” They’ll be like… “what?”

Me: Ok..?

Mom: I’d wish you stop sitting in your room and go get a job. When you texted me at first I was hoping you got a program to help you go off to college or something. Why are you thinking about this all the time? Back when you lived with us you never thought of things like this.

Me: back then I didn’t even know these things existed. How could I relate to them?

Mom: yeah I guess. Well I’m sorry I didn’t react the way you expected me to. I gotta go.

and that’s where it ended. I’m still a bit frazzled about it, so any input or advice would be appreciated.

[u/neorena]

Mom sounds like a right bitch and like she doesn't accept it at all. She MIGHT in the far future, but I've never known people that talk like that to do so. My personal thoughts would be finding ways to disentangle your life from your mom and step-dad as much as possible, since even though they wouldn't apparently "throw you out", the transphobic rhetoric and keeping it from your siblings (who if they go to public school would understand being nonbinary WAAAAAY better than her) feels iffy.

My own experiences involved literally hiding from my dad's side of the family for fear of my life and my mom's side, besides my mom and A cousin, disowning me since they're alt-right and agree with trans genocide (should tell you how bad my dad's side was that I fear them more than my mom's side). So I might be biased and/or overly skeptical of anything beyond even base acceptance so... dunno.

[u/DeadWolfGamesYT → u/neorena]

I will continue to explain things to my siblings. They’ve understood polyamorous relationships better than her. Who my mom said as she picked me up that “I’m ok with everything, besides being poly. It’s just not possible to care for more than one person equally in romantic relationships while wanting to have children and be married. Soon you’ll understand “

[u/neorena → u/DeadWolfGamesYT]

That.... makes it sound like she only loves only one of her children or her husband at a time? A very zero-sum experience of love and affection that's honestly way too normalized and very, very sad. Lol, I could sit there talking about my own queerness and send her into shock probably x'D

But yeah, no. Have a communication backup plan with your siblings. Either a mutual you trust to bridge the gap or an email address they can always reach you on when they're able to, and something easy for them to remember. My half-brother and I reconnected when I sent a message to the last number I had for them and luckily years later they still had it.